I am an environmentalist with blood on my hands

You have probably doubted my honestly while reading one of the articles on Ouchmytoe.com and wondered…I have read this joke somewhere. Chances are you did read it or saw it somewhere! For I love to re-cycle. Did I tell you I am an environmentalist?

So much so, I wanted to marry a lady who was married before. If you have also had that urge let me tell you that women are once bitten twice shy…they don’t go for second marriages.

You got to trust me when I say I am an environmentalist. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be going around in my 10kms/liter Suzuki Swift and asking the anti-environmentalists living in huts on the roadside to cut down on wood-burning. What a sham it is….they don’t even know about carbon emissions.

What do these hut-dwellers know about partying? At the rate ice has been melting from the glaciers…we will be running out of ice for our scotch. And these people don’t even care. This irresponsibility is what I don’t like in these poor people.

There are some rich people that I hate too – authors for example. Some authors are like me….hoping to make some money via the book royalties. But most others are rich, who wouldn’t mind felling a tree to write a book, that will be published in thousands, bought by 100s and read by 10s. Anti environmentalists, all.

I am poor, and am writing a book so that I could become rich. But once I am rich and can manage air conditioners in my bedroom, drawing room, dining room, study, and puja room, I promise to not leave it on full blast. Whenever I am leaving the room….I will put my air conditioner to medium.

When I am rich, I might also opt for solar energy to power the appliances in my house. But when I think that sun will be away 50% of the times…I really wonder if it is such a good idea. When it comes to being without working appliances & being called an environmentalist….I guess, I will prefer working appliances. Let me re-think the solar energy plan.

I would have gone for wind power as well….but imagine blocking the scenery for all my rich neighbours by building a 40 feet windmill. No, let me re-think the wind energy plan too.

I know with no solar & wind energy to supplement my energy requirements, there will be a lot of demand for petrol & diesel. But I am not really worried. The moment, the cost of petrol goes up to Rs 120/litre….I will start FedEx-ing my car to my destination and save on Petrol costs. It will work out cheaper if I have a corporate account with FedEx.

With no private transport, I will have the option of walking. A fine sight it will be – all those who didn’t kill themselves because of the money they owe to the Petrol/Diesel Bunk owners will be walking. And getting healthier.

With most of the people walking, and most tired in life because they were not used to walking….the morale of the junta will be very low. But do not worry, for I have a great plan to improve the morale of the people all over the World – start selling fuel in barrel sizes that are smaller…so that common folks get the feel that fuel is aplenty. The side benefit: The cost per barrel of the fuel prices will come down. There will be good will all over.

Such drastic steps like reducing the barrel size becomes imperative because very soon we are heading for the time when Reality Shows will stop gifting cars to the winners and instead gift “one tank full of petrol.”

They say, cut down on the household fuel consumption and the city ends up cutting down its consumption…and when lots of cities cut down consumption…the whole country cuts down on its fuel consumption. Great thought. But did anybody think of skipping the households and cutting down the consumption in the city itself? No!

Just in case you didn’t know…in India, Mumbai is the biggest consumer of everything. That’s the whole bloody irony of life. If Global Warming continues as it is going currently….by 2050, half of Mumbai will be under water. Did you just ask, “so whats the bad news?”

Well the bad news is that the other half will still be above water.

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

2 replies on “I am an environmentalist with blood on my hands”

Hi Jammy
This is my first reading and quite a good read it is. Excited about other blogs of urs.
Thanks for sharing.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *