Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.
[This is a quick, late night post. Remember, I warned you!]
People who grew up reading ‘The Hindu` will remember a Tennis writer called Nirmal Shekar. He once, while describing one of the many Leander Paes` wins in Davis Cup wrote: “When miracles happen too often, they cease to be miracles.” Very profound, I thought. Maybe that`s why….after writing four continuous Happy Birthday post for a blog reader called Himani Sahni (spread over the last four years!), I decided NOT to write one this time. It has nothing to do with the fact that now she is married. I promise.
As they say, old habits die hard. And here I go again with a fifth Happy Birthday post for her.
Rekha, if you are reading this…I know you have started swearing by now. Let me assure you that I amuse the women readers more often only because they are the ones that mail me and ask for such favors. Men seem to hate me.
Since Himani has just entered her second year of marriage, I thought it made sense if I gave her some birthday advice on what to expect in the second year of marriage. After the wedding album has been resigned to a dusty fate inside the cupboard (and visitors are spared the torture of going thro` 1000s of photos) ….and the couple has discussing EMIs, Bills, Work Loads, In-laws etc.
When Chetan Bhagat (this is how you spell the guy…right?) was crying fowl over credits…or the lack of it in 3 Idiots…I thought he was being a kid. Today I saw 3 idiots and I am very upset. I waited till all the credits had rolled and the guard asked me to leave….but “Our special thanks to Mr Jamshed V Rajan” never rolled out.
Here is why I expected thanks from Aamir and his company.
FlashBack
When I couldn`t even open my eyes, I was named Jamshed V Rajan. When I could barely say ‘ichh cdeam` I was sent to kindergarten. When I couldn`t even tie my laces I was in class 1. And by the time I hadn`t even started liking girls, I was in the tenth standard (I was kind of a late starter).
The moment I stepped into Class Ten, World War 3 broke out in my house. My father wanted me to join the Indian Army and serve the nation but my mother wanted me to become a doctor and open up a once-a-week clinic in our village called Maangudi (Maan = Deer. Gudi = Abode).
When in 10th standard, Tom Clancy and Franklin W Dixon (who wrote Hardy Boys) were my role models and becoming a doctor or an Army man wasn`t in my plan. But my parents had plans laid out for me.
Mother: Why do you want my son to become an Army man like you? Aren`t you satisfied with what you have done to yourself?
Father: Why? What wrong did I do? And why should he become a doctor…to mint money? If patriotic people like us don`t send their kids to Army, who will?
Mother: I want him to do good for the people in our village. If he becomes an Armyman, at the most he will take a 60 day long leave and give the village`s watch man a break. But if he becomes a doctor, he can treat them every week.
Father: Do you understand watchmen and Armymen aren`t the same.
Mother: Well, if we Indians are one big family…can`t I say India is one big house. That makes the Armymen, security gaurds at the entrance. What say?
Father: If we fight….our son might end up doing something else. Why don`t we reach a compromise….how about pushing him to join Armed Forces Medical College? He can be a doctor and an Armyman too?
Mother: What about the weekly clinics at our village?
Father: He can settle down in our village after retirement and start a clinic. What say?
Mother: Deal.
Father: Deal. No more discussions. AFMC it is.
The next day, I was enrolled in Brilliant Tutorials` 2-year Medical Coaching Program. Over the next two years I received a lot of communication (including study material) from them. Wake me up from my grave 50 years later and I will still be able to recite their address: 12, Masilamani Street, T. Nagar, Chennai 600 017.
I gave it my best but failed Armed Forces Medical College Entrance exam and also the All India Pre-Medical & Pre-Dental Exam.
Gosh…wasn`t I even good enough to pull teeth? Since I was responsible for the weekly cleaning of the toilet bowl….I believed I could have made a natural dentist. Ignore the stink, close your eyes to avoid the stark visuals and get on with the task at hand…I could do that easily.
Surprisingly, my parents didn`t mind my failing the exam much. They asked if I was comfortable enrolling in Brilliant Tutorials` 1-year Medical Coaching Program and try the AFMC next year.
“Hmm…I don`t know if that`s such a good idea. I have got BA Economics & BA English in an Arts college….I would rather go ahead and study.”
My father didn`t seem happy with the thought but he didn`t show it. He said: “You have still got fifty years ahead of you and wasting one year shouldn`t be that big a problem.” My mother nodded.
Convincing me to do nothing is easy. So I stayed at home and study materials started coming in from 12, Masilamani Street, T. Nagar, Chennai 600 017.
One year later, nothing much had changed. I failed AFMC again – this year they only need 12 students to complete the batch. But as luck would have it, I passed the All India PMPD Exam and got a seat in Stanley Medical College in Chennai – an old Medical College with a chequered history. Check their history here.
Let me be frank here….one of the reasons I tried hard to get into a medical college even though I wanted to do creative writing for a living, was because of what T Arun told me.
He said: “Girls in Medical Colleges know everything about sex. So they aren`t scared to have a little fun on the side.”
I would have brushed it aside, but the naughty smile on his face made me ask him. “What kind of fun-on-the-side are you talking about?”
That`s when Siddharth shared with me what he called ‘Siddharth`s Know-all Do-all Theory`. According to this theory, girls aren`t as adventurous as boys when it comes to pre-marital sex because they aren`t sure of the physical, biological and mental consequences of sex. If they were fully aware of everything (as a medical girl student is expected to be) they will throw caution to the winds and start behaving like boys (or men).
I loved his theory and asked him: “Are you sure? Coz I hate the bleach, formalin and cold steel smell that one gets in the hospital. If at all I join a medical college, it will be because of my increased chances.”
“Kill me if you don`t get laid within the first month,” he assured me.
The day before I was to leave for Chennai to join Stanley Medical College, my mother called me and said: “Son, promise me after you get out of the college you will go to our village and serve the people?”
I assured her.
Before my mother and I could part ways, my father saw us. He waited till my mother was away and told me: “By the way, there is a parallel entry for doctors in the Army. They obviously can`t do with just 12 doctors from AFMC every year. Let us discuss once you get your medical degree.”
I assured him.
Two months in the medical college, I called up Siddharth to tell him that his Know-all Do-all theory wasn`t working. He assured me that Chennai girls being conservative might take a while.
When he asked me if there were any Punjabi or Gujarati girls in my batch, I reminded him that I was short and dark and there was no chance in hell to land a Punjabi or a Gujarati girl….even if they were not as conservative. He didn`t take the topic further.
By the eighth month I had started hating the place. I couldn`t live with pain & death all around me. I looked around for distractions but there were none.
That`s when I met Rohit….our colleges` watch man`s son. His father was always comparing him to the medical students he watched over and this young boy of 17 was completely broken.
After we had known each other for 2 months, we decided to run away to some peace.
Thank God I didn`t jump from the Stanley Medical College building for I would have surely died (I wasn`t in a movie, remember?).
Rohit was from Gujarat and we decided to run away to a small village in Nadiad district. To cut the long story short….we stayed in a village hut. For the next three months the open fields were my toilet room and the handpump 250 meters away was my bathroom. I worked as a munshi (accountant) in a brick kiln and Rohit made bricks in the same kiln. We lived peacefully till I exhausted my Rs 2000.
When my money ran out, I called my parents. This time around, they were happy to just have me back. They didn`t want me to join the Army or become a Doctor.
Three days later, my father was in Nadiad and we went back to Madurai together. Rohit decided to stay back because his father was still upset with him.
I went on to study BA Economics at The American College and successfully managed to stop my parents from forcing me to do an MBA. I didn`t go on to become a successful writer as I had wanted…but I do have a blog where readers sometimes leave encouraging comments.
———-X———X——–
Now tell me…don`t I deserve a credit at the end of 3 Idiots? Did it have to be an Engineering College? Isn`t a Medical College good enough?
India has recorded a GDP Growth of 7.9 per cent – proof that we Indians have managed the economic crisis/recession a lot better than others. Meanwhile, Abu Dhabi has offered Dubai a bailout plan of 10 billion U.S. dollars…which means my Malayali wife`s relatives won`t be coming back from Dubai, jobless. In short, the biggest economic depression since America`s depression of 1930 is over. Companies have now started hiring and jobs are now available.
Economic Depressions can be overcome if we are smart
I know this article is at least one year late, but what the hell….you can always pass on these ‘how to survive an economic crisis` tips to your children/grand children when the next depression hits them. Here is Jammy`s four point plan to survive an economic crisis.
Keep your job for as long as possible
Your job helps bring home the bacon (even if you are a vegetarian)….so in order to eat daily, you need to keep your job. The best approach would be what I call the ‘Top-Down Paralysis Approach.` For laymen like you I have given this approach another name…the ‘Vegetable Approach`. Though it isn`t easy…you need to become a vegetable in the office. Nobody should see you getting in, and nobody should see you getting out. Don`t be caught standing next to your CEO at the coffee corner, don`t get caught in front of a meeting room, don`t get caught doing nothing when they are looking for somebody to do some work. In short, you should turn into a Brinjal with stealth capabilities.
To ensure you don`t get mentioned even in casual discussions among your colleagues, bath daily (if you smell bad, you will be discussed), wear mild perfume, wear earthy colors (colors that match your office`s wall panels would be best) blah blah. While crossing potentially dangerous colleagues pick up your phone and start talking. Some of the sentences you could utter into your phone are: “No way! I can`t betray my company by signing the agreement at those prices,” “For your incompetence, I could fire you. But I want to give you a second chance,” or “Listen wifey dearie…got lots to do in office today. Will come in by 11.30 p.m. or so.”
The more you do, the more the mistakes that will be committed. So why volunteer?
Mend fences with your wife & avoid a divorce
If you are a lady, and are reading this blog post…let me assure you…you needn`t be scared. If your husband was having a mistress before the recession, he will start being loyal to you.
All you men out there can ask Tiger Woods if you don`t believe me. Divorce costs money…especially if it happens during recession. Not because your wife understands economics….but because the lawyer representing you understands it.
Since the trigger for divorce can be anything from sleeping with ten women (like Tiger Woods did) to not picking up the soiled diaper…I suggest you shouldn`t leave any diaper…oops…stone unturned.
There is a school of thought propounded by Salman Rushdie, who has had many successful marriages. He suggests, “Don`t be home much and your marriage would be rocking.” Not on the rocks, mind you.
When we got in touch with Billy Bob Thornton, another gentleman with successful marriages – five at last count – he suggested that his approach to save a marriage works best. He said: “I generally do everything possible to keep the marriage intact…we slept in different bedrooms, we built different kitchens, we took separate vacations.” Just in case you didn`t know Billy Bob Thornton was married to Angelina Jolie for few years and before divorcing her in 2003.
While on the subject, I thought I should share with you a recent status update I saw on Priya Koshy`s ibibo profile. It was: “Lions don`t cheat on their wives but a Tiger Wood.”
Cost cut is money earned. I don`t need to tell you all the obvious ways of cutting costs…for example the one where you can switch off all lights in the house (thus saving electricity) and remove all your clothes (thus saving detergent costs) and sit silently (thus not becoming thirsty & saving on water bills). Look at all the non obvious ways of saving money. For example, if you are to meet somebody far away, call exactly 1 hour before and cancel it saying something urgent came up.
Float a ‘sick grand mother story` among all colleagues and friends…so that when you get invited for marriages and parties where gifts are expected…you can always pull what I call a ‘Recall Trick`. You can say: “Remember, I had told you about that sick grand mother of mine? The doctors have advised a surgery on her, exactly on the same day. What pity….we can`t attend.”
One warning…don`t utter the granny surgery story before seeing the marriage/party invitation. What if it had the line, “Gifts won`t be accepted”?
Another means to cut cost is to ride piggy back. Call up your colleagues every alternate day and tell them your car got a flat tire or wouldn`t start and ask them to pick you up. Make a schedule of the colleagues you called, the reasons you gave etc…so that you don`t raise suspicions by giving the same excuse very often. If your colleagues start getting suspicious play what I call the ‘Push Me Hard Trick.` In this trick, you are expected to switch off your car as soon as you see more than 3-4 young men idling (knowing India, you will find them every 100 meters). With a little prodding, these idle men will start pushing your car…but you shouldn`t start it till the men are really tired and they have put in their best efforts. After you have been pushed 300-400 meters, start the engine, wave a thank you at them and move 500 meters on your own fuel. The moment you see another set of 3-4 idle men, stop your car again. You might end up 30 minutes late to work…but you would have saved at least Rs 200. At this rate it would be at least Rs 5000 saved per month.
You can also start cleaning your own car and save Rs 300-400 that you give the cleaner.
Introduce alternate revenue streams for the family
In times of recession, a single revenue stream for your family isn`t a great idea. Introduce more ways in which money would flow into your house. For starters, start pestering your wife to get some money from her father. If your wife has a younger sister, have a drink with your father-in-law and tell him that you can marry his younger daughter too…at just half the dowry he gave for his elder daughter.
Cutting cost can also sometimes lead to interesting alternate streams of revenue. For example, if you have a Prem Chopra like mole in your make up kit…I would suggest cleaning the cars of your neighbours and getting Rs 400/month/car. Just make sure you wear that Prem Chopra like mole when you go on the 31st of every month to get paid.
If your colleagues come to your desk often, just because a pretty girl sits next to you…and then talk loudly, just so she can hear…you should start charging them. You could start with Rs 2 per visit. And if the business picks up, give a share of the Rs 2 to the admin guy and get him to place all the pretty girls in the office around you. Post this migration you will be able to increase your rates to Rs 10 per visit to your desk.
This blog post is inspired by another blog called “Our Delhi Struggle” (Click here to check it out), where Dave & Jenny chronicle their ‘struggles` in Delhi. Guess what, Harper Collins has offered them a book deal (and when is my turn?). Their blog posts are keen insights into what people like you and me take for granted here in Delhi (and India). A must read, if you can laugh at yourself and your countrymen. Unlike Rohinton Mistry, who makes loads of money by selling India`s suffering…Dave & Jenny`s ‘struggles` always seem to have a positive side.
After reading their blog inside out (and NOT leaving a comment), I thought why not come up with an India guide for foreigner in typical Ouchmytoe ishtyle. I have opted for the question & answer format. Here goes…
Guide those that don't know.
I will be traveling to India next week. Is it safe?
– Albert Sutherland, London
Dear Albert, India isn`t safe. We have 2000+ languages and 10+ top religions which result in a lot of misunderstanding & confusion. I wouldn`t advice you to take this extreme step right away. I would suggest, you participate in the British version of ‘Fear Factor‘, win it and then try a visit to India. Sometimes we even torture the moderator who comes in to solve our problems. Heard what happened to the UN Envoy who came in to solve India`s problems with Pakistan? Our President gifted him a starkly pungent lemon pickle, and he is now suffering it daily in Berlin. Three times a day.
After getting down at the airport what do I do?
– Margery Blair, California
Dear Margery, While getting down from the plane, feel the earth under you before keeping your foot down. Thanks to India`s enemies all over the World – Pakistan, Afghanistan, US, Sri Lanka, Russia, Osama Land etc – every step in India is a landmine. We haven`t invested in mine removers because our Government`s population control programs are anyway doing badly. But don`t you worry…Jaipur, the capital of Rajasthan specializes in False foot.
Once you get down and escape the landmines head straight for the baggage pick up area. An airlines executive who is already hand in glove with the auto rickshaw drivers & the hotels will guide you to what is best for you.
Are auto rickshaws in India safe for human beings to travel?
– Ronald Brown, New York
Dear Ronald, auto Rickshaws aren`t safe for human beings. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins (if you guys can call us dark skinned?!). The Indian Government has tried to curb their menace many a times but they always escape convincing the court that they are in the business of taking people for a ride. Here is a tip I can give you: Look out for a religious autorickshaw driver, because they are less likely to cheat. You can identify religious autorickshaw driver by the red (or yellow or orange depending on the sub caste he belongs to) tikka on his forehead, at least 2-3 Tulsi necklaces etc.
If I am in India for a week, where can I stay?
– Adele Becker, Berlin
Dear Adele, staying under the bridge is definitely not a good idea though you will see 10% of India living there. Staying with an Indian friend would be the best idea. Unlike many other countries where a guest needs to call up and arrive and also mention the time by when he/she will leave…in India, guests are God. Remember, this doesn`t mean that you will get to smoke and drink inside the house….especially, in front of the women. If you plan to stay for the night, you might end up sleeping with a newly married couple, two grand parents and three grand children…in a single room. It doesn`t always happen but generally by 3 a.m. the room starts smelling of Dal Makhni (pulses!).
How do I find an address in India?
– Allen Solly, Switzerland
If you have the luxury of hiring a driver, that would be the best way. But if you don`t have that luxury, the best way to find an address in India would be to get it written down on a piece of paper in Hindi or the regional language of the area (one of the 2000+ languages that`s spoken in the country) before setting out. The right people to ask for directions would be people sitting under trees, people having chai at the tea stall, people smoking at the bus stop or people just standing opposite Girls high schools & colleges. The instructions are always ‘go straight and turn right` because we Indians always believe in what is right. I would recommend confirming the directions given by Person 1 by asking a Person 2, for sometimes…we Indians consider every foreigner to be British and thus try to punish him/her for their atrocities on us for 400 years by sending them in the opposite direction.
Does India have electricity?
– Pappe Singh, Canada
Dear Pappe…no, we don`t have electricity. All those stories of India`s Information Technology Enabled Services sector worth 40 billion annually is hog wash. Our computers run on Gobar gas. The electricity is retrieved from the dung of millions of cows, and transferred to a central repository in a city called Patna (in Bihar) via thin wires attached to the rear end of every cow. If you have already visited India and didn`t spot these wires, let me assure you that these are invisible to the untrained eye. As for our bulbs & fans, we run them on what is known as Man gas, which is extracted using the same technology but the wires are fixed to the rear end of 40+ Indian men bred daily on pulses. I am surprised your parents & grand parents didn`t tell you about the bad India they left behind while escaping on horse back.
Does India have mobile phones?
– Anthony Clark, Australia
Dear Anthony…no, we don`t have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum mean the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t get stolen and sold in the chor market, you can use it to check time and date.
Do they accept credit cards in India or should I carry cash?
– Maria Carter, Los Angeles
In land locked regions, it is best to carry sea shells. For instance, shop keepers in Delhi will give you anything in exchange for 10 sea shells. In coastal regions, where lifestyle is a bit more relaxed and sea shells isn`t in demand, it is best to use shiny silk cloth, cigarettes, lighters, rum bottles etc to trade. As you would have guessed by now, no…we don`t use cash…leave alone credit card. The Indian Government is trying hard to introduce currency system in the country but is unable to decide whose photograph has to be used in the notes (and the coins). As of now the country is split into two – our supporting our biggest movie star Amitabh Bacchan and the other wanting our best cricketer Sachin Tendulkar to decorate our currency.
If I don`t know the local language, what can I do?
– David Miller, New Zealand
If you don`t know the language, the best bet is to keep mum. See if you can dye your hair, apply soot on your face & hands and become one of us – dark skinned, that is. If you have already come to India with a lot of Melanin, you stand a good chance of learning our language. If you didn`t already know, we Indians offer best business opportunities to people who come in to perpetuate the 419 Nigerian scam. There is another way around…if you are a girl and are pretty, you can join a Reality Show program on television. Since you are a girl, every man on the show will come to your rescue and teach you Hindi.
Will I find medicines in India? Or should I pack everything from here itself?
– Barbara Young, Norway
Nope, we don`t have medicines. Since all our doctors are in US, UK, Canada and Gulf…we are being forced to live our life without doctors. Not that we care, we just walk up the mountain whenever we are suffering from fever, pluck the purple flowers, walk back in the heat, grind it to a paste and then eat it to cure ourselves of the viral fever. Just in case you are curious…for Typhoid, we dive deep in the sea for a particular type of Oyster. We claim to have eradicated chicken pox and polio, but it is very common to see poultry hopping around on one leg. One of the reasons why we never bothered about getting medicines into the country is because Britishers taught us to write ‘sick letters` before they left: “Dear sir/madam, Since I am suffering from fever I won`t be able to attend classes today. Please grant me one day leave. Yours obediently, XXX”
Do wild animals roam around the streets of India. I have heard India have cows…?
– Vivian Campbell, Trinidad & Tobago
Yes! Wild animals are everywhere in India. That`s why we don`t go outdoors after 6 p.m.. You should know that our wild animals have different weekday & weekend timings. On weekdays, they hunt from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. and on weekdays they retire early at around 12 midnight. The Indian Government has worked out a three pronged strategy for improving our living conditions. Our leaders have advised us to light a fire in front of our houses every evening – first it keeps the wild animals away, second it keeps us warm and third it provides light for our children to study. On the subject of cows, yes BBC is right…we do have lots of cows in India.
MN Devarajan was a nice fellow. Just that he always managed to put me in trouble. Back then, my father had a Bajaj Chetak scooter…and Devarajan sowed the seeds of inferiority complex in me by saying that his father went to office in a helicopter.
I continued to feel bad about this for a long time…till, another classmate came up to me and said, “My father is starting on a new job tomorrow. He is going to work on moon.”
Back then, my desk was my store house for used chewing gum…whenever I didn`t have money to buy new ones, I would pluck one from under my desk and start chewing. One day, when I was selecting one of the dry chewing gums stuck under my desk, Devarajan asked me: “Have you ever been scared of secret agents?”
“I have seen them in movies….never really been scared of them. Why?” I asked.
Only the previous day, my father had told me that Issac Newton was an intelligent man because he asked a lot of questions. Since then, I had asked 1024 questions. But unlike all others till now, Deverajan didn`t answer my question. Instead, he pulled me closer and whispered into my ears: “Can you keep a secret?”
After studying for six years – from 1994 to 2000, my wife Rekha joined Sify as the Product Manager for their Entertainment Channel.
Back then, I used to work for Sify as Product Manager for their Sports Channel. That`s when she met me and fell head over heels for me. Despite my continuous refusals she continued to chase me and finally managed to wear me down. I agreed to marry her, disappointing many other girls who were in the queue.
Pity we have to do jobs to survive
The day we got married, we decided that only one of us will work for Sify. For obvious reasons, of course. How was I supposed to oogle at girls, if my wife was around to watch me?
Being the braver of the two, she decided to quit the job she loved and join Sify`s E-Learning team (which sat in a different building/office). While at Sify`s E-Learning team, she worked on projects for GE, Hyperion, Caterpillar, Northrop Grumman Defence Systems etc.
Within a year, her fame spread amongst the Instructional Designers of Chennai (at least that`s what she made me believe!) and got a call from Congnizant Technologies…which she readily accepted.
After spending two years with Cognizant Technologies and working with clients such as Pfizer and PeopleSoft….something nice happened….Rhea, our daughter was born.
If Rekha had continued to work, she would have had a glittering career now. Maybe, better than mine….but she didn`t. She gave up all that without even an iota of second thoughts because she wanted to be around for Rhea & her learnings.
It has been two and a half years since…and Rhea has turned out to be a smart girl. She joined Play School two months back and got promoted to nursery a week back. Even though she is just two and a half years old…Rhea is a almost a complete woman…she covers her mouth when she coughs, and says ‘Sorry` afterwards, she reads books, knows all the rhymes, dances to music, can play a drum, doesn`t watch TV, says ‘namaste` to elders…the list can go on. All thanks to Rekha. All that I ever did was buy Rhea a chocolate on an odd weekend.
Having done her bit for her daughter, Rekha now wants to get back to work. She wants that adrenalin rush that she used to experience when a call was due with an angry client, in the next five minutes. In short, she is looking for a job.
At this stage, she wants something that she can do from home. After a year or so, she will start exploring opportunities that require her to be in office.
If you think you have something she can work on, you can download her resume here (60 Kb, Doc File) >> Downloaded times <<
This blog post has been inspired by a book called ‘E` written by Matt Beaumont, a talented writer. The book is set in an Ad Agency called Miller Shanks in London and is written as a series of mails. Just mails exchanged between the colleagues and nothing else. So, here is my attempt in copying that style. Buy the Book Here
As much as possible, avoid eMail exchanges. Call instead.
The five characters in this story are:
JV Rajan: A 34 year old male internet addict working with ibibo.com
Rekha TP: Rajan`s wife, who has mothered a two and a half year old baby called Rhea with Rajan and has just now entered the 6th year of marriage.
Priyanka Chopra: Rajan`s love interest. A 29 year old Delhi girl who also loves Rajan
Biju Anand: Rekha`s love interest. He first proposed to Rekha when they were in standard 10 together. Is still unmarried and hopes for the thunder to wipe out Rajan.
Rakesh Jha: Priyanka`s full time boyfriend. An engineering student who has been looking for a job for the last two years
This set of emails begin on October 20, when Rajan comes to know that he has to go to Cape Town, South Africa for a few days.
Hey Love, I will have to catch a flight for Cape Town on 25th Oct. And am back only on 30th. Can`t make it this weekend. Save yourself for me (also save the pink one for the weekend after). So what do you want from Cape Town?
Love,
R
– – – X – – –
20 October, 2009 | 4.03 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Official Travel
I will be off for a few days to South Africa. Pack my green trolley. Dress code: Casual.
That`s so sweet love. I will so …so…so…miss you. I will save the pink for you. Did I tell you about the new black one? Promise me we will meet the next weekend…can`t wait to pounce on you. By the way, I have also bought tiger & rabbit paint. Now decide soon what you want to become when we meet – tiger or rabbit?
What will you bring me? Something real small, and needless to say expensive.
Your dearie,
PC
– – – X – – –
20 October, 2009 | 8.53 p.m.
From: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
To: jv.rajan@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Official Travel
I have packed your stuff. Though, you could have also done it at leisure – it is five more days to your travel. Rhea will miss you.
And are you traveling alone or with colleagues? Are the travel dates fixed? Or are you expecting a change?
When are you reaching home? Food is ready….should I heat it now?
Your wifey,
Rekha
– – – X – – –
20 October, 2009 | 9.13 p.m.
From: Rekha.tp@gmail.com To:
CC: biju-anand@live.com
BCC:
Subject: We can meet again!
Sweetheart, I have some good news and bad news. My husband is traveling again. The bad news is, he is out of the country only for five days- from 26th to 30th of this month. You think you can make it to Gurgaon?
I know…all the cocaine has left your wallet empty. But I can buy you tickets, if you promise to wake up when Gurgaon arrives? With so much security, can`t risk air travel with you can we?
Can`t use my credit card…so will have to go to the railway booking center…so you need to tell me in advance.
Your true love,
Rekha
– – – X – – –
20 October, 2009 | 9.10 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Official Travel
I am leaving in another five minutes. Keep food warm. Am tired, so will hit the bed right after dinner.
The start date of the travel is fixed. But might get extended to the weekend…and we might be forced to see the South African Safari. Apparently, there is a Tiger-Rabbit chase that is nice to watch.
Cheers
– – – X – – –
20 October, 2009 | 7.13 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: priyanka-chopra@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Traveling
My apple pie…I am trying to tell my wife that my stay in South Africa might get extended. We can then spend the whole weekend together. Will your neighbors turn suspicious? Though, I wonder how they can get suspicious if we spend all the time inside your bedroom.
Between the Tiger and the Rabbit…eat me! You know how much I love it when you hunt me down, pin me to the wall and eat me. Let`s not change the roles please.
Black then, if I manage to extend SA trip unofficially and spend the weekend with you.
My boring house wife is waiting for me to reach home early and have our dinner while watching Big Boss Season 3. Pity Me.
Love,
R
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 3.13 a.m.
From: biju-anand@live.com
To: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: We can meet again!
I would so love to visit Gurgaon when your husband is away. When you courier me the tickets also send in at least Rs 5000 in cash. I need money to spend on my way – it is at least 2 days by train.
What do you want from here in Kerala?
Your true love,
Biju Baby
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 10.45 a.m.
From: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
To: jv.rajan@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Meeting a Girl Friend
I won`t be home from 12 noon to 4 p.m.. I am meeting an ex-colleague of mine. Don`t surprise yourself by coming home for lunch…I won`t be there.
How is work? I hope all preparations are on for your SA trip. I know how much you want to go to South Africa – I hope the trip is on and there are no last minute cancellations.
Wifey,
Rekha
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 11.05 a.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Meeting a Girl Friend
No sweat. I will be busy at work as well. Carry on. Pass on my love to this girl friend of yours. Have I seen her?
Yours sincerely,
Rajan
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 7.13 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: priyanka-chopra@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Excitement
I am so thrilled thinking of spending the whole weekend together. Why didn`t you respond to my question on neighbours?
Was held up with work sweetheart. I am also really thrilled…been a long while since we did some role playing. Spending the weekend is fine.
Have told my neighbours already that my brother will be visiting me next weekend.
You haven`t responded to my question on the gift. I heard South Africa is good with diamonds? Apparently, they have lots of diamond mines. Check this Wikipedia link if you don`t believe me – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mining_industry_of_South_Africa
Your apple pie in black,
P
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 7.25 p.m.
From: priyanka-chopra@gmail.com
To: rakesh.jha@hotmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: My apologies
Dear Rakesh,
Looks like we have to change our plans for the next weekend. I might have to go to Chandigargh for a research. My boss will be traveling with me so will be inaccessible by phone as well.
Will buzz you the moment I am back in Gurgaon. Most likely Sunday evening.
Don`t worry, will save both the pink and black for you. I have bought Tiger paint and rabbit paint….waiting to see you wear the tiger paint and pounce on me.
Your lovey-dovey,
Priyanka
– – – X – – –
21 October, 2009 | 8.26 p.m.
From: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
To: biju-anand@live.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Re: We can meet again!
Just couriered you your railway tickets. Had Rs 4000 in hand…have couriered that too.
Don`t carry too much cocaine…sometimes there are police in the trains as well. And don`t snort before you hit the bed in the train…Gurgaon station isn`t the last station and don`t want to waste time driving to Jaipur to pick you up.
Remember, you did this when Rajan last went to South Africa?
Travel light…you can use Rajan`s clothes.
All I want from Kerala, is the true love that I saw in your eyes when I was in class ten.
I get the hint lady. To get a diamond, I might have to use the credit card which could mean trouble (the statement comes home, you see).
Will try and get something real nice for you – something that`s small but not necessarily as costly as a diamond.
Wish we could go together…would have been awesome. The weather is also cold and windy…we could have stayed indoors the whole trip. But unfortunately, this is an official trip.
Your brown bunny,
Rajan
– – – X – – –
22 October, 2009 | 4.51 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Gift
So, what do you want from Cape Town? Ask for something that a young girl like you would want…something that`s small and yet not as costly as a diamond. You know that with the EMIs we have to pay, I won`t be able to afford a diamond for you.
Your hubby,
Rajan
– – – X – – –
22 October, 2009 | 7.53 p.m.
From: rekha.tp@gmail.com
To: jv.rajan@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Gift
I will tell you what I want from Cape Town, after we finish watching Big Boss Season 3. Hope that`s fine.
But why the sudden affection?
Your wifey,
Rekha
– – – X – – –
22 October, 2009 | 8.15 p.m.
From: rakesh.jha@hotmail.com
To: priyanka-chopra@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: My apologies
Priyanka,
Hope your boss and you are booked in different rooms. Remember, I have friends in Chandigarh who can come and check on you if I suspect anything.
What are you getting for me from Chandigarh?
Your dude,
Rakesh
– – – X – – –
23 October, 2009 | 4.15 p.m.
From: biju-anand@live.com
To: Rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Re: Re: We can meet again!
Got the tickets and the money. You are a sweetheart.
I have already started practicing kissing in front of the mirror, so that I don`t disappoint when we meet.
I promise not to fill the slot I have created on my shoe`s sole for cocaine. I will only fill it half….because I love you and respect your concerns.
Do Gurgaon police accept bribe? I have lost weight since we last met, so Rajan`s clothes won`t fit me…and it won`t look nice if we go out. But then, do we have plans to go outdoors? I would rather we stayed at home. What say?
OK fine I forgive you. Don`t get me something that`s small and costly. If it isn`t a diamond, I want something that`s big and also costly.
You can take cash from India, you know…if you want to avoid the credit card.
By what time do you think we will wind up on Sunday evening? I wanted to know because I have to make a couple of office related calls on Sunday evening.
Your apple pie (now in sky blue),
P
– – – X – – –
23 October, 2009 | 6.48 p.m.
From: jv.rajan@gmail.com
To: rekha.tp@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Gift – Change of mind
I have changed my mind on what to get you from Cape Town. Now, I want it to be something that`s big and also costly. What would it be? Anything in particular that comes to your mind? Give me couple of options.
And don`t mail back saying you will tell me after watching Big Boss Season 3….you always sleep off by the time it ends.
Your hubby,
Rajan
– – – X – – –
23 October, 2009 | 7.28 p.m.
From: rekha.tp@gmail.com
To: jv.rajan@gmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Re: Gift – Change of mind
Frankly, I only want you to come back safely. Always keep me informed on what you are doing and where you are….that is all I ask. Nothing else.
Your hubby,
Rajan
October 24 & 25 were Saturday and Sunday….and nobody checked or responded to mails. And Rajan, left for Cape Town on Sunday evening.
Hey my crispy finger chips,
Have reached Cape Town. The flight took off on time and had good company during the flight. The air hostess were nothing when compared against you….where do these airlines recruit from anyway? Jharkhand Hinterland?
My room has excellent view and wish you were here. We could have just wrapped the soft, white blankets and stood next to the huge windows and watched the yatchs though out the day.
There is a huge bath tub as well, where we could have played a Pomfret and a Piranha game as well. I miss you.
The conference begins only tomorrow…and nothing to do now besides staring at the sea from my room. Catch you when you come online.
Both Rhea and I miss you. Got late in replying because had gone to pick up a girl friend of mine from the railway station. Her first time in Gurgaon…no actually second time….and she needed a place to stay. I have asked her to stay with us.
Focus on the conference. Don`t need to call…I can understand. Just drop in a mail whenever you have time and I will respond
Wish I was there too. You are making me yearn for you….now I have that tingling sensation that I have whenever I think of you.
I will try and see if there is a Pomfret and a Piranha paint that`s available in the market. Maybe not in a bath tub…but we could at least play that game under the shower. Should I ask for water proof colors?
I will always be in your thoughts. And listen…you don`t need to waste your money on international calls…just drop in mails whenever possible and I will respond. OK?
Nothing here too,
Priyanka
– – – X – – –
26 October, 2009 | 9.28 p.m.
From: prinyanka-chopra@gmail.com
To: rakesh.jha@hotmail.com
CC:
BCC:
Subject: Can you come?
Hey Rakesh,
Tried your mobile couple of times…it is switched off. Can you come now? I have that tingling sensation that comes up whenever I feel like meeting you?
Thought, if we can`t meet the coming weekend why not meet now itself?
Your spice girl,
P
The mails & the relationships continued well into the future…
This post isn`t funny because I have been spending all of my time between ibibo.com and my daughter Rhea. Without that creative time slot to think and plan a blog post…coming up with a funny piece is difficult. So here goes an autobiographical piece.
This article is about Fame, Faith & Failure…the three things that keeps any man going.
Two years back, when I went to Madurai, the city where I grew up, I bumped into a friend whom I used to play cricket with when I was in school & college.
Mani, the all-rounder I was scared to ball to…and frightened to face is today a bus conductor and works for Rs 6300. Here is what happened.
“Aren`t you Rajan?”
That`s how he knew me…Rajan. Jammy, the fancier name caught on later. There was no way, I was going to recognize him…he had become a man. A man hardened by fate, deeds & hard luck. A face, I wouldn`t recognize.
“Heyyyy…..hmmm….hmmm…how are you?” I just couldn`t place him. But being the good guy out of the two, he was more forthright.
“Looks like you didn`t recognize me. Remember me? Mani? The fast bowler?”
“Ohh shucks! Mani…it is you?”
“How have you been, Rajan. You are working with Indian Express aren`t you?” I could see that Mani wanted to hug me….but I didn`t. He was oily and smelled of bidis. I could see his khaki shirt was wet with sweat and salt formation where the sweat had dried, stood out like Google Maps. Though, I did think that his eyes were moist.
I didn`t tell Mani that I was with Indian Express ten years back, and had changed seven jobs since then. He kept on asking questions.
“Are you married?” “Where is the girl from?” “Is she pretty? Huh? Huh? “Love marriage or arranged marriage?” “Have any kids?” “Boy or a girl?” “Started going to school?”
He was genuine. I was the faker of the two. I answered in mono syllables. I didn`t ask him about his family, friends, job…nothing.
After getting bored of my mono syllables, he started looking at me up and down.
“You must be a rich man now. Aren`t you?”
“Well, not really. I don`t run my own business…I still wait for my monthly salary on the first of every month.”
Back in my town, asking somebody for their salary is an accepted norm. There is nothing to hide, especially if you are friends. And what I was dreading happened.
“That`s ok. I recently got a hike after completing two years and my salary now is Rs 6300. How much is yours?”
I could have been honest with him. But something inside didn`t allow me. I didn`t tell him that I was with Yahoo – one of the top Internet companies – and to make it worse, I cut down my package and said: “Well, my salary is double that.”
“I told you, didn`t I? You are rich. For me to get Rs 15,000 every month, I will have to work for another ten years.”
Mani was immediately on another subject. He told me that he met most of our cricketing friends at least once a week – they all boarded his bus and bought tickets from him. He also told me that some of our cricketing friends were richer now and HAD their own bikes.
“So, what do you do when you meet our cricket friends?” I asked Mani.
“Well, remember Rajesh…that sloppy fielder? He called me home last weekend…and introduced me to his parents as the best fast bowler he has ever faced.”
“Wow…thats nice.”
“Yeah. And remember, Suresh…that left hand bastman? He met me one day in the bus and we got talking. Now, I teach his young cousin brother the fine art of bowling….and Suresh pays me Rs 200 every month. I didn`t accept it at first….but you know Suresh…he always has it his way.”
“Wow…thats nice too.”
The people Mani was referring to had been an integral part of my life twelve years back and now I didn`t even know them…leave alone caring. Some shop keepers, some LIC agents, some sales executives….Mani, sure was famous among them.
“We talk about you…you know. I keep telling my wife that you are with a newspaper and we won`t have any trouble in finding a good school for our children, when we can afford to take them out of the Government School.”
“Hmm….” I didn`t commit anything to him and changed the subject. “So, how long will you be working as a conductor?”
“I have it clearly charted out. Two more years as a conductor. By then the small property that I have will be worth at least 2 lakhs…I will buy a second hand, white Ambassador car and become a Tourist Taxi driver.”
“Good money there?”
“Yeah. And once I understand the Taxi business, I will appoint a driver to drive my Ambassador as a Tourist Taxi…and I will get a good Gujarati family and drive their family car.”
At this point, he smiled…and added: “Double income, you see.”
Mani threw his beedi down on the ground and ordered the shop keeper for a Halls candy. Then he turned towards me and asked: “One for you?”
He wouldn`t let me pay for my cigarette too. After finishing with the shop keeper, he said he wanted to visit my home and see Rekha and Rhea and have a word with them.
I don`t know why…I lied to him that they weren`t home. He was very disappointed. I had just turned down the guy, I once wanted to impress. Back then, he was my hero…and I wanted him to be my best friend….so that he would take me in his team when the cricket teams were divided every day at 4.30 p.m., so that he would ask me to open the innings if I were in his team. How time changes.
I saw him returning the Halls candy and getting his fifty paisa back.
“Why what happened?” I asked.
“I didn`t want to be smelling of beedi, while meeting my sister-in-law…that`s your wife. Now, I don`t need it.”
Not for a moment did Mani suspect that I could be lying.
“So, what is your mobile number. I will give you missed calls…I can`t spend money in calling STD….you understand that….don`t you? You will have to call me back.”
After taking down my number, he gave me a missed call and asked me to save his number. I didn`t.
After parting ways and promising to be in touch in future, I started walking back home.
For Mani it was a monumental meeting with a friend from the happiest times of his life, and for me it was another update on Twitter, Orkut & Facebook: “Just met an old friend…”
Funny, meeting Mani didn`t even give me the excitement that I get when I see ‘1 Friend Request` message on Facebook or ibibo. Requests from people, I don`t know. From people I don`t share any memory with.
Two days later, when I was back in Gurgaon I realized….Mani had all going for him. He might only be drawing Rs 7300 but he definitely has been a more successful person than I have been.
Class stays, they say…once an all rounder, always an all rounder. Maybe, that`s why when we had met….I was scared to face him.
Since this incident two years back, I have made seven trips to Madurai and during my stay there…. every day at the same time I go to that shop for a smoke. I always hope to see Mani, so that I invite him home and introduce to Rekha & Rhea as the best bowler I have faced and the best batsman I have bowled to. But, I haven`t yet been given a second chance.
Maybe, the second hand, white Ambassador is keeping him busy.
Your job helps 
All you men out there can ask Tiger Woods if you don`t believe me. Divorce costs money…especially if it happens during recession. Not because your wife understands economics….but because the lawyer representing you understands it. 
Dear Ronald, auto Rickshaws aren`t safe for human beings. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins (if you guys can call us dark skinned?!). The Indian Government has tried to curb their menace many a times but they always escape convincing the court that they are in the business of taking people for a ride. Here is a tip I can give you: Look out for a religious autorickshaw driver, because they are less likely to cheat. You can identify religious autorickshaw driver by the red (or yellow or orange depending on the sub caste he belongs to) tikka on his forehead, at least 2-3 
Dear Anthony…no, we don`t have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum mean the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t get stolen and sold in the chor market, you can use it to check time and date.
Yes! Wild animals are everywhere in India. That`s why we don`t go outdoors after 6 p.m.. You should know that our wild animals have different weekday & weekend timings. On weekdays, they hunt from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. and on weekdays they retire early at around 12 midnight. The Indian Government has worked out a three pronged strategy for improving our living conditions. Our leaders have advised us to light a fire in front of our houses every evening – first it keeps the wild animals away, second it keeps us warm and third it provides light for our children to study. On the subject of cows, yes BBC is right…we do have lots of cows in India. 
