Traffic update from my wife

Wonder if there were traffic policewomen 40 years back. Coz, if they were …I can be sure that in her previous birth Rekha was a traffic policewoman.

From the moment she sits on my Yamaha at 8.30 a.m. till the time I drop her (at 8.50 a.m.) at her office, she gives live commentary on the prevailing traffic. And this commentary of hers changes each day of the week. There is no pattern and no logic.

Here is the yapping reproduced as I get it from her, with my comments in italics.

Monday:
Looks like everybody has had a good weekend and now wants to get back to work. That is why as early as 8.30 a.m. you can see so much traffic. I am sure most of these people have something pending from the previous week…which they want to get over with before their bosses enter the office.

I have this feeling that Rekha`s boss needs to speak to her about managing tasks. Leaving previous week`s tasks undone is not a healthy habit.

Tuesday:
Do you notice that the road is full of two-wheelers and not many cars at 8.30 a.m. I am sure the seniors are taking it easy after initiating the work-flow on Monday itself.

Since Rekha and I are the lift-woman and tea-boy in our respective offices, we go to office on a Yamaha.

Wednesday:
It is 8.30 a.m. and there are too few vehicles on the road. Do you think we are late? Actually, I think everybody is going through a mid-week crisis. Why would anybody want to be in office at 9.00 a.m. on a Wednesday? The composition of the traffic, in terms of cars and bikes, is as expected…so one can safely assume that this mid-week crisis affects all levels of executives.

I still wonder how she is able to see the composition of the traffic, sitting on my Yamaha, which is at its tallest place only 76 cms tall.

Thursday:
It is just 8.30 a.m. and the whole road is clogged. Guess, everybody wants to finish their pending assignments today itself, so that they can enjoy their Friday…. perhaps, even leave early. Today there are more of cars and less of bikes. Naturally so, because the bosses want to be in office so that they can finish delegating and leave for weekend trips on Thursday evening itself.

My guess is, Rekha`s boss leaves on Thursday and returns only on Monday. My other guess is, in her company they don`t work on Fridays but just hang around in the office. But what the heck…hanging around in office is always better (esp. in summer) because we don`t have air conditioning in our house.

Friday:
Why is the road so full? Doesn`t anybody realize that it is Friday? Don`t tell me they failed to organize their work on Thursday itself. I can see very few cars…guess the bosses are off. If they want to just hang around the office on Fridays…can`t these people go late? Or do you think they have limited parking space in their office building and hence everybody wants to be there early?

Rekha thinks everybody in Chennai (and everywhere else in the World) work in MNCs.

Saturday:
Rajan, I was thinking there are too many cars on the road for a Saturday ….ho shucks…I am in an auto…..

Thank God for small mercies…on Saturdays I stay at home and Rekha brings back the daily bread.

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What is in a name

Shakespeare said it. And we have lived with it. But there is a lot in a name. Shakespeare who in one of his theatre production (think Romeo & Juliet) said “What is in a name. A rose by any name will smell the same.”

I disagree. If that were so, why is Shah Rukh Khan always named ‘Rahul` in his movies? And why was Amitabh always named ‘Vijay` in his movies?
Why were these two men never named Ramaswamy (incidentally, that is my father`s name) or ChandraShekaran (coincidentally that is my father-in-law`s name)?

While on the topic of names in movies…we cannot ignore the fact that all male servants are named ‘Ramu`. Watchmen are always ‘Bahadur`.

One small Trivia: In the movies made in 1940s and 50s Ramu used to be the hero`s name.

When on the subject matter of watchmen…how can we forget the criminals? Those that are always named Peter, Tony and Robert. Ever wondered why the henchmen are always Christians? Some day I want to catch a movie-maker by his collar bone and question him on why they never name the henchmen…Shivnarain, Narayanamurthy or for that matter Balasubramanian.

Talking of Christian names in movies…when it is a Father in a church, he is always addressed as Father Francis. Sisters are always Sister Mary. Think about it…have you ever heard sisters being addressed as – Sister Miranda, Sister Teresa, Sister Meganalia or for that matter home grown Sister Kamala.

Our movies have always been masala items. A Hindi movie is ready if it has one romance, one item number, one villain, one comedian and one murder.

Talking of murder…the police inspectors are always Inspector Pandeys. The one movie that had a different name for an inspector was when Nana Patekar played Sadhu Agashe in Ab Tak Chhappan. The funny thing about that movie was…just because Nana Patekar`s name was not ‘Pandey` everybody went around saying that the movie was a lot different from the usual police flicks. They even called it Experimental.

The last time I heard an Indian heroine say her role in her yet-to-release movie was experimental, I asked her: “What is so special?”

She said: “I cut my hair short for the movie.”

Ever since, I have stopped watching her moves, leave alone movies.

Getting back to the whats-its-name….yeah…the whole naming business…I still wonder why all the Anglo-Indians in Hindi movies are called Gonzalves. And why are all poor Goan fishermen called Barganza?

This logical conclusion that names are important and there is more to them than mere smell …makes us wonder if Shakespeare was a fool. No…not the Hindi fool, the English fool!

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Bus travel – bus ho gaya

Did you know the intra-city bus service in Chennai is considered one of the best in India? If you didn`t …chances are don`t read the magazine I have subscribed for.

On Saturday, I traveled by bus from Velachery (in Chennai) to the Central station. It was quite an experience.

While talking of bus travel, I cannot but narrate what happened when I traveled from Delhi to Jaipur in a bus. It was way back in 1995…and I was traveling with a gang of young boys willing to take on the world. I still believe at least two of the advertisements we see on TV are inspired by this bus service – first would be the Fevicol advertisement in which 100+ people are stuck to the outside of the bus, and second would be the car advertisement wherein the catch line is ‘because we like to carry our world with us`. I think it is for the Indigo car.

In that bus, all had forgotten to travel light. Besides, half of them were always asking for a light to light their beedis. Thanks to the beedis, the inside of the bus looked like a dream sequence. The only thing missing was a heroine to dance to our tunes and her coterie.

Some of the travelers were transporting hens & other birds in cages, some had sacks of vegetables, many others had bundles of crackers, few others were sophisticated…they were carrying suitcases. It seemed everybody in that bus to Jaipur was shifting his or her house.

My Saturday travel was quite different. The 11E bus goes to Central station, but when the 25B came and stopped right in front of me…I realized it doesn`t take long to be pushed into the wrong bus by strong people. It is only a matter of timing. Having got into 25B, going in the opposite direction, I had to get down and walk my way to the bus stand.

Eventually, I got 11E. Sometime back I had read that per-square feet rates were going up in Chennai. That seems to be truer in the case of busses. Try getting a space of your own in a bus at 8 a.m. on a weekday.

As soon as I got in, I heard the conductor saying: “Everybody out there…get in. I want nobody on the footboard.”

Nobody else but I moved. Guess, I am just too obedient. Marriage has changed everything.

While trying to get in, I brushed against a lady in the crowd. Not intentionally of course. The lady turned back angrily but when she realized that it was I – a young handsome man – who had by mistake brushed her, she cooled down and turned away. My guess is…if only I had not been handsome; she would have created a scene.

Inside the bus, I smelt onion, garlic, molasses, rum, hooch, Domex, Savlon, Liril, Rasna, lemon rice and rotten eggs. Not to mention all the other smells that I could not identify.

As I gasped for air and looked out of the bus, the outside world seemed good. More comfortable. Many things that work outside of the bus don`t work inside it. For example.. your credit card, which the conductor won`t accept.

I hung from the top rails as the bus meandered through the early-morning traffic. Some around me were standing yet sleeping. Perhaps, that is why I managed to rush to a vacated seat and yet get it. The moment I sat on the rickety seat, I regretted. Three pretty school girls – I think they were in their 12th grade – smiled at me and said: “Uncle, can you please hold our school bags?”

Before, I could get over the shock of being called an uncle; I had three bags on my lap. First had a leaking water bottle, second a lunch box that had opened and the third had a frog in a glass bottle – perhaps for the practical.

I had to get down at the Central station. I signaled the girls to take back their bags. As I got up, I offered one of them the seat….but they refused. I wondered why, because when I was 20-year-old, girls would rush in to sit where I had once sat.

As I was leaving, one of the girls said: “Thank you uncle.” That hurt.

My Great Escape

A few weeks back I watched this movie called – The Great Escape. Amazing movie.

It is based on a true story – the largest Allied escape attempt from a German POW camp during the Second World War. Stuck in an escape-proof prison, the allied escape artists orchestrate a master plan that works. Though all the prisoners don`t escape…70 do manage to breathe free.

Ever since I have been planning my own ‘Great Escape’ from my house. The allied soldiers have inspired my escape attempt. I am taking it slow…and not taking any risks…lest I jeopardize my long-term plans.

As you are aware, I have been married for the last 9 months…and now I am yearning for some fresh air. I need to escape from the early morning wake-up alarms, the get-ready for office shouts, the report for breakfast bell, the aren`t you coming for dinner shout from the kitchen and the get into the bed and sleep tight shout after the roll-call.

I have already started digging a tunnel under my bed. Rekha cannot spot it because she runs the house from the drawing room.

Under my pillow I have two forks, and a knife, which will stand me in good stead till the tunnel digging is completed. I also have a Canary (it is a bird miners use to detect the Methane levels). No, the Canary is not under my pillow.

Digging is slow and painful….because it is concrete. Sometimes, I have to wait up to 3 a.m. to start digging. I cannot afford to take risks.

If you were me, and I were you….I am sure you would appreciate my slow progress. It is not easy to dig a tunnel under a bed, when your wife is sleeping on it. The summer is slowing down the progress further. If only we had bought a cot with some more height…I would not be suffering with severe back spasms.

One issue remains….we stay in the 1st floor. Wonder how the ground floor occupant will react when he sees me getting down from his roof.

As an alternative I am also working on a Tarzan swing (a long, strong rope that can be used to swing over an obstacle) from our French window. Once the swing is ready, I can steal way from Rekha`s eyes, swing over our apartment`s surrounding wall and breathe some independence. I have heard independence is good…….some free American friends have said so.

I am using the bed-sheets in my bedroom to form the swing. Keep it to yourself, but everyday I have been taking 2-3 threads from the bed sheet and tying them together so that in two month`s time I will have a strong enough rope. Since, it is gradual progress…Rekha will never notice it.

The only worry is….will winter set in before I finish work on the rope? Coz, in winter…my wife will want to use the bed sheet. Or should I change the date on our Television set and her mobile, so that she doesn`t know when winter sets in? I am confused. But I guess…freedom comes with a price (and some bruises here and there).

Will I manage to escape? Or will I be caught and tried at Rekha`s court? Watch this space. Hope you can keep a secret.

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Two interesting things

Here are two things I came across today.

1) When you rearrange the letters in ‘MOTHER-IN-LAW` you get ‘WOMAN HITLER.` Why am I not surprised?

2) Today (20th May) something amazing is going to happen…something that doesn`t happen every other day. At 8.05 pm today the time and date will be: 2005 2005 2005 (20:05 20/05/2005). Now, thats something huh?

Some thought-provoking quotes

On Divorce

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
– Robin Williams

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
– Woody Allen

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.
– Elinor Glyn

In our family we don’t divorce our men. We bury them.
– Ruth Gordon

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.
– John Kenneth Galbraith

Divorces are made in heaven.
– Oscar Wilde

On Marriage

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
– Mae West

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
– Clint Eastwood

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
– Rita Rudner

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
– Voltaire

Wonder why I could find only four nice quotes on marriage but had plenty to choose from on divorce!!

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The real professional hazards

Have you ever tried having a conversation with somebody from the Finance department in your office? Chances are you hated the conversation. If you liked the conversation, chances are you also work for the Finance department. They always end up talking of money.

The Finance people are only slightly better than LIC agents. Robinson and I were very good friends till the time he turned a LIC agent. Now, I hide when I see him approaching. Sometimes he manages to catch up (he used to be a 100m runner in school while I was more of a marathoner) and makes me stare at death in close quarters. When last heard, his wife left him because he always spoke of accidents, theft in houses, burning of shops, losing a limb, losing a job….nothing positive.

While talking of negative things, people working in the Quality Department (QC) are the worst. Throughout their lives they find fault with the work others have done. And they end up doing the same once they go back home.

A typical Quality person while entering his house always say: “And why is this chair in the middle of the house?”

Or perhaps: “Why didn`t anybody plug the gap created by somebody leaving the door ajar?” Didn`t understand? Don`t worry nobody understands QC people.

If there any bunch of professionals who can give the QC people a run for their money…. They are the proof readers. I have worked in newspapers and I can tell you from experience. Employed by the newspaper publishers to spot errors in the articles written by the newspaper`s editorial..just before it goes to print…these men…know how to be picky. Typos, extra full stops and even that occasional extra space do not escape these men.

They carry it to their families, who care too hoots about being spic and span. I still remember a proof reader I worked with when in Indian Express. Legend has it that Balu (as he was affectionately called) sat down and corrected all the mistakes in his son`s answer sheet even though he had scored 100/100. But 100 marks is not the issue here…the issue is…it was a mathematics answer sheet.

There are some other professions equally dangerous –
1) Engine drivers, who have this habit of hooting in the middle of a conversation to attract your attention
2) The Zoo keepers, who have this habit of maintaining an arms distance while conversing.
3) The photographers who try to focus really hard and turn the conversation boring.
4) The dentists, who by the time you finish the conversation leave you with a few teeth less.
5) Gynecologists, who converse with the wives and ask the husbands for money
6) Mathematicians, for whom the art of conversation is one big problem.

Fashion Television and its impact

It is not easy being in showbiz. You got to be a show off, and you got to have something to show off. Like for example long, never-ending legs. Or a figure of 32, 28, 32. I am just close…34, 34, 34.

Isn`t that the ‘size` of every other model that walks the ramp on fashion Television? No, I was not referring to 34, 34, 34.

Yesterday, I had Monday blues. As a result I was left in the house…all alone with nothing to do. Rekha works…in the office.

At 9.30 a.m. I switched on our Television and started surfing. By chance…and only by chance…I landed at Fashion TV. Quite a channel.

As I sat there looking at the models walk the ramp, I was reminded of what my Grand Mother once said. “Why don`t they give these people a chair to sit? They must be tired after all that walking.” she had enquired innocently.

For the not-so-good-with-the-women-folks…all the models look alike. Some in my village even think they are advanced versions of the mechanized dolls kept outside of the shop to say Namaste. Their walk, their standard grin, and the way they turn and leave…only to smile during their second trip on the ramp with their Fashion designer…. is so mechanical.

So aptly named models. Here are some synonyms to the word Model: clone, copy, copycat, dead ringer, ditto, dummy, duplicate and effigy.

Not just the models, but also the Fashion designers are mechanized. They always have standard lines to say. Here is a conversation I heard on TV. The Fashion designer was speaking to a media person –

“You just finished a successful fashion show. What was the key to success?” the media man asked.

“These designs are from my heart. The man that I am…my whole self…I just tried to put them in the form of clothes.”

(Yeah Right. What about stupidity? We never noticed them on the clothes.)

“Ho..nice. So what would you recommend for today`s men?”

“I think today`s man knows what he wants. But still I would suggest a lot of earthy color.”

(Boss…for how long have you been suggesting earthy colors? If you are to be believed earthy Colors have been in vogue since the release of the Hindi movie Mother India).

The Media person is perplexed. Yet asks the next question: “What do you suggest the ladies?”

“I would say…stick to the essence of India. Bring out the bride in you. Let the World know what you are.”

(I know you said the same thing in your previous interview to India Today. And all yoru fellow mates in the industry also sound so similar)

The media person holds back a chuckle and keeps working. Looks like he also hates his job. After all, he has to put up with A%$##les each day.

The media person`s parting question: “Anything for the FTV viewers?”

“Yes…I watch FTV six hours a day, and it is an amazing channel for kids and elders alike.”

(Just make sure you kids and elders don`t watch it together)