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Author: Jamshed V Rajan
Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.
Men have this incurable habit of staring at girls. It is an inborn talent and is hard to leave behind once you get committed. This guide is aimed at helping out all hose men (and boys) who get caught by their wives and girl friends …and other girls on whom enough has been invested.
Many ask me how I manage to stare in spite of being a happily married man. I have a five-word answer for them all. Be Smart and involve your wife.
If you are married or have a girl friend, chances are you have stopped staring. If you haven`t stopped yet…chances are you are getting caught daily. If you haven`t got caught yet…chances are your wife/girl friend doesn`t care because she has some other love interest.
Or you are smart. Like me. Whatever your reasons are, it makes immense sense for you to continue reading because the staring is like Information Technology – you got to keep yourself updated with the latest or you lose your job. In this case, your wife, girl friend or …whatever.
Girls (and women) like to be complimented. And it is common knowledge. What many men don`t know is…they love to hear ‘bad things` about other girls. And it is this weakness that we men have to use to our advantage.
Here is one recent conversation between my wife and me.
Situation: We are waiting in front of Satyam Complex, a theatre in Chennai and I spot a very pretty girl. A real stunner. In short, she was to girls what I am to men.
“Rekha, check out that girl. Do you think she is color blind…look at her clothes.”
“Why they are not so bad,” a suspicious Rekha retorts.
The trick lies in sounding as honest as possible.
“I mean, why would anybody want to wear purple with black?” I argue. All this while I am staring right at her..and with full knowledge of my wife.
“That`s not purple..that is sky-blue.” She looks at me.
For a brief moment, I look at Rekha …stare right into her eyes and say…”Look at you..the beige goes so well with your brown trousers. That is what I would call a killer combo.”
“Well…yeah…” Rekha doesn`t complete the sentence.
By now the girl`s boyfriend has come and they have left the scene. I am also done.
The whole idea is to spot the girl first and then discuss about her with your wife/girl friend. That will give you enough time to stare.
Incase your girl spots a pretty girl first…just let go. React only if you spot the girl first. I say this because…as soon as our wives and girl friends spot a pretty girl…they invariably turn towards us (without our knowledge of course) and see if we are staring. This is the time for you to build/gain her confidence. If this is repeated a few times…you will gain her confidence…and life will take a turn for the better.
One word of caution is never let down your wife/girl friend. Your wife could be one sack-ful of rice…but never bring that up.
Also while talking of the target, don`t go overboard with statements like “She is not pretty at all,” or “I hate her dress” or “Look at her hairstyle..it sucks.” I warn you because…girls know when we are lying and when we don`t. Keep your comments straight and simple.
Here are a few statements you should not use to attract your wife/girl friend`s attention to the pretty girl you want to stare at –
– You think she should get a better tailor? Her churidhaar is too tight.
– Nice heels..makes her look good from behind.
– Where did she get that tight T-shirt from?
– Do you think she is taller that I am?
– What do you think would be her mobile number?
– Would you want me to get her mobile number for you?
– Wonder where she stays.
– You think your marriage saree would suit her?
Even after practicing these tips…if you still end up getting caught…get back to me.
Today, Ice creams are not a rare commodity….thus turning the life of husbands (and in some cases boy friends) a torture.
Not so long back, they were a rare commodity. Back then, kulfis were the big thing. Not to mention the ‘noodles` ice stick (it would have semiya embedded). Some say, that was the beginning of the embedded technology.
Last night I was forced to take my wife Rekha out at 10.30 p.m.. She had this sudden urge to eat an ice-cream. I think I was asleep in front of the TV when she had this urge…and as a result I was pulled out of my shorts and T-shirt and dumped into my shirt and trousers and locked out of my house. I had no other option but to follow her to the Baskin and Robbins …some five kilometers away.
Once inside, we got the menu. It had the names of the combinations – very posh names….followed by a brief description of what it was. It took Rekha half an hour to decide what she wanted to have. All the while I was looking at the descriptions…to me they looked totally different…..like this….
Nutty Affair
A dash of ice-cream with all the nuts in the world. Exclusively prepared for rest of the nuts in the world.
Belly Dance
If you going to have this one, nothing can stop you gain a nice big belly which would dance to your tunes…as and when you want.
Roller Coaster
Want to feel like how you felt when you last went on a roller coaster? This ice-cream is just the right concoction you were looking for. It will make you nauseated.
Ice Berg
What you will see in your bowl is just 10% of what we are billing you for. After all…only 10% of any ice-berg is visible above the water surface. Got you!
Fruity Fantasy
Even as you are in the Fantasy world, we will strip you naked by filling your bowl with cheap seasonal fruits that we get at a still cheaper rate because we buy in wholesale.
Brown Sugar
This is the one we sell for the true-blue addicts. Just to make sure you come back yearning for more we add a dash of real-time brown sugar to this one. When you get your stomach cramps and start sweating…you know where to head!
Fig & Honey
Did you read it as Fig? Sorry that`s a misprint…it should have been Pig. This ice-cream borrows its origin from the Serbian practice of dipping the pig in honey before roasting it at the altar of hunger.
Calorie Shock
Think the bill that follows this offer would be biggest shock? You would be surprised when you clutch your heart and rush to the doctor only hours after having this ice-cream. Don`t tell we did not warn you!
Spanish Delight
It is all brown, and it is not chocolate. If you a Spanish, you probably recognize the dung that is collected from within the arena after each bull-fight. But then, this is Chennai and we don`t expect any Spanish to visit us. Did we just give away our secret recipe?
Royal Yatch
This is where we really take you for a ride. Not different from any other plain vanilla (pun intended) ice-cream…all we do here is strategically place a wafer on top. That too only half…and we don`t do that to cut costs. Doesn`t half of a wafer look like a sail?
Mad Rush
We have this reserved for all those who come, take four chairs each to sit and hang around for hours together…thus spoiling our business. Once you have this…you will have this mad rush to visit the nearest loo. By the way, we don`t have a loo around here.
Knock Out
Even Mike Tyson had a black out when he saw our bill for this offering. Better watch out…this one sure packs a punch.
Categories
Hard work and what not
I generally don`t work hard. I was even known as the hardly working journalist when I was with The New Indian Express. Now don`t ask me what is so new about that newspaper. Haven`t you heard of that joke wherein somebody said: “It took an illiterate man to build the Rs 99000-crore business empire called Reliance and it took an MBA from the Wharton and another from Harvard to divide it.”
Same was the case with the Indian Express family. On second thoughts…I think we should have never named the Leander-Bhupathi duo, Indian Express….they also parted ways. The difference is – Mahesh Bhupathi doesn`t call himself The New Leander Paes.
Not funny? You got to excuse me because I am not used to hard work. And today I have worked hard. Well, at least I walked around gripping a few sheets of white paper, my two arms hanging by my side like the two peels of banana skin that hangs on the side while you nibble at the fruit.
My hair is all disheveled. I also make it a point to not comb the hair on my ears. My grandfather once said it was lucky to have hair on your ears. I tried to argue that he was consoling me…but he stuck to his views. Till the day he died, he maintained that hair on the ears was a lucky thing. I still don`t believe him because he never left me anything in his will. Guess it is not lucky after all.
Anybody who saw me today would have known that I worked. I even made it a point to pour ink on my shirt. Since I don`t use ink…I had to ask the office boy to buy ink from a nearby shop.
Guess, it is the hard work showing. Or is it the jogging that I went for in the morning?
While on hard work…how about two very good quotes on the concept…
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
– Edgar Bergen
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’
– Don Marquis
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. – Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)
My birthday made me wonder….
Giving birth is quite a phenomenon. We men are never told about it, and are left to fend for ourselves. The smart men (and there are very few) find out early about this whole birth thingie…the rest of us…. depend on movies to teach us the nuances of life.
I think I was somewhere between the smart and the not-so-smart for when I was in class six I found out that birth was quite a natural phenomenon. All a man and a woman had to do was get married and naturally the child followed. For long I wondered how the child knew that his/her parents were married and it was time for him to come …
It took me two years to realize that it was the kiss that was instrumental in the birth of a child. So whenever I saw a small baby, I would look at his/her parents…and wonder why they weren`t shy. They ought to be shy….they had kissed…and now that the baby was born…everybody had come to know that they kissed.
I think it was my biology madam Geeta Kumari madam… that`s what we would call her…who taught us the whole birth cycle.
She was quite a not-so-bold lady and openly announced in the class that after marriage it generally took 10-12 months for the baby to be born. We were supposed to take the hint. But one young lad, who would have otherwise sat down staring at his Big Fun stickers (remember the ‘collect runs/wickets and take home a cricket bat` offer?) jumped up at Geeta Kumari madam`s wrong lessons.
“No…a baby is not born immediately after the marriage!” he shouted.
The madam was visibly perplexed…but that day we had failed to notice it.
“Shombit Chatterjee, I did not ask you to talk,” the teacher censured the young lad.
This really put down the kid. He never got such opportunities to showcase his street-smart ways – the whole class looked silent and confused – but he knew something about it. And he wanted to share it.
“What you are saying is wrong. The child is not born after marriage,” Shombit said.
Even as he said this, he turned towards me and egged me on. But I held on to my nerves and my seat.
The teacher did not know how to react. Shombit carried on.
And then he dropped the bombshell: “The parents need to kiss each other for the baby to be born!” Even before he finished, he threw a glance across the class…a glance that meant he was superior.
Shombit and I had discussed this earlier. I had told him that the parents need to kiss for the baby to be born. But since then, I had learnt that a lot more than just a kiss would be required to come up with the most beautiful creation in the world – a baby. Unfortunately, I had not updated my uncouth friend.
As soon as Shombit finished, most of the class (especially the girls) and the teacher let out a sigh of relief. Not to mention…all that laughter that followed. All the guys were silent…and confused…..
That day I realized that girls ARE fast. Ever since, I have left the women in my life lead me like a little boy. I have also known that it is neither marriage nor a kiss that results in a child…but a very happy wife. At least that`s what Rekha tells me.
Taking a cue from Kiruba, I also decided to jot down the 43 things that I want to do in life. It was fun.
Why don`t you give it a shot? I am sure…you would be left wondering as to what you want to do in life….
Great work ‘A.` You guessed it right…Rekha gifted me a beer mug for my birthday.
I wonder why she did it. As soon as I opened the gift I shouted in excitement: “Hey! It`s a beer mug!”
Rekha censured me: “Now, don`t you get too excited. You are not getting any extra beer than you have been having till now.” (And that`s a measly one bottle a month).
“Can I at least have a beer today?” I ask.
“You can open a beer bottle today…have half of it and you can have the other half next Saturday, on my mother`s birthday. I am planning on a small celebration.”
I did not tell Rekha that in one week`s time beer would turn to donkey`s piss.
“If I can`t drink beer, why did you gift me a beer mug?” I ask. I am terribly upset…but if I show any emotion she would realize that I did not like the gift and get upset and then cry (which doesn`t bother me)…and then not make dinner (which bothers me). So, I maintain my cool.
“Sheela, my colleague, accompanied me to the ceramic exhibition in Temple Towers – the place from where I got you this beer mug.”
“Ok, so….” I prompt her.
“While we were searching for a gift, Sheela said her husband maintained a mini-bar at their house,” Rekha said.
“Ok so….”
“How could I let her know that we don`t have a mini-bar at home? So I also let out a hint that you were also a true connoisseur and maintained a mini-bar at home.”
“Ok so….”
“Then she suggested that I get a peg-measure…you know the small container like thing that the really finicky drinkers use to measure their drinks…that one….”
“Ok so…” I was losing my patience…but who has ever lost it in front of his wife?
“The peg-measure was just too small…and I knew it would be of no use to both you and me. In order not to make her suspicious I bought a beer mug.”
Rekha gave me that triumphant smile of hers. The one I had found cute, before marriage.
“But won`t we be wasting it if I don`t take beer regularly?” I ask with a glint of hope in my eyes. I knew I had cornered her…she just had to give in.
“No…I have already decided to keep pepper in one of the beer mugs and dry fruits in the other.” She said.
Before I could say anything she added: “And yes…can you help me set up a mini bar at home….just a temporary one will do….Sheela is coming this weekend.”
God….these women!
Birthday was good. Have bought a DVD player but am struggling to connect it to my TV. Spent close to two hours with the manual and am yet to figure it out. Guess, I am plain funny!
Remember…I am the same guy who had once inserted two ends of two steel wires into the socket and immersed the other two ends inside my steel tiffin box filled with water….all this in an attempt to invent a water heater. I did not know somebody had beaten me to the post by a clear 40 years.
Rekha`s gift was good. Here is a real challenge…. you all know Rekha better than I do. I know …I am her wife and all that…oops…husband and all that but still… for the last eight months you have been reading about her.
Can you guess the gift she gave me? And in the first attempt?
1) Shirt
2) Beer Mug
3) Coffee Mug
4) Helmet
5) Key-chain
6) An Erma Bombeck Book
7) A warm hug
8) Greeting card
9) Year-long subscription of Deccan Chronicle
10) Year long supply of tea/coffee in my bed
11) A Reebok Cap
12) A mobile
13) A deadly virus in my computer
14) An apron
15) A pair of gloves for use in the kitchen
16) 2 Kgs of grapes
17) Rs 120 worth landmark gift coupon (that was remaining after she bought that costly golden brown hair dye)
18) One big packet of Mentos for me to get rid of my smoker`s stench
19) One gmail account
20) An appointment with her family dentist (and this dentist`s father happens to be a miner)
21) Two-way tickets to Kannur, Kerala – her native place
22) One evening with her best friend (?!)
23) Last five year`s issue of Champak and Chacha Chowdhrey
24) ‘Odonil` to hang in my washroom
25) A hammer, for the house work