Categories
Family

The frog in my father in law’s house

There are eighteen types of people who shouldn`t be reading this article and one of them are: Those who get nightmares in which huge frogs with wet, spotted backs chase them down the street even as they slip on the road while running for safety. OK….enough of the disclaimer.

This article is about a frog that lived in my father in law`s house for three continuous days while we were visiting them for Vishu celebrations. He was my constant companion these three days. I meant the frog, not my father in law. This piece was written sitting in the verandah of my in-laws house. As of today, the house in question wears a desolate look, a stark reminder that it is people that make a home. My father in law passed away a few years back, and now my mother in law lives alone in this house.

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The Story

My wife and I were travelling to Kerala for Vishu. We boarded a Jet Airways flight at Mumbai and reached Calicut. We then took a three hours drive to Kannur in an old Ambassador to reach my father in law`s house.

Before you proceed any further you should go through the map of my father in law`s house.

Blueprint of father in laws house showing the frog
This pic is to give you a fair idea of how my in-laws house was designed and where exactly the frog in question was located.

Notice, that the frog lived in one of the bathrooms. Also, notice that there is a forest zone in my father in law`s house which makes life all the more difficult for a son in law whose only interaction with nature was watching ‘natural` Brooke Shields in the Hollywood movie titled Blue Lagoon many times over.

It all began when we reached ‘Kedaram’, my father in law`s brilliantly named house. Kedaram is a raga in music (or so I am told).

Since I am suffering from what in medical parlance is also known as the King`s Urinary Bladder Syndrome (OK, I made that one up!)….I had to pee like a race horse when we reached home. After dumping my bags on the verandah, I rushed in. My mother in law was blocking the way, ‘Where are you going she asked?”

“If I were going for a cup of tea, would I be so hurried?” I asked.

“No.”

“How about coffee?”

“No!”

After 24 such questions, my mother in law guessed that I had to use the loo. That`s when she turned towards my father in law and asked him: “Do you want to tell him now?”

This triggered a pensive look on my father in law`s face. And when that expression didn`t break after three mins, I broke it for him: “Do you mind? I have been holding back diluted urea for the last three hours. What is it guys?”

At this my mother in law intervened and broke the news: “There is a frog in your favourite bathroom!”

“So?” I was indignant. “I can always take a broom and push the guy out. Or maybe pour some water and slip him out of the washroom.”

It was my father who gave me the bad news: “Rajan, we have tried that many times over in the last six months. This guy doesn`t go.”

“What are you saying? Where in the washroom is he?”

“He lives in the water closet.” My mother in law added.

Just in case you were wondering, ‘water closet’ is the white contraption inside your washroom, which is also referred to as the pot, pot seat, throne etc.

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Ever since that fateful day when this frog dude flew in from the window and lodged himself (or herself – I am yet to see the frog`s gender) my in laws house I haven`t used my favourite washroom. Many attempts have been made to retrieve the lost land but to no gain. So much so, the territory occupied by the frog has been codenamed ‘Tiger Hills` so that it doesn`t understand my in law`s plans when they are discussed. Pity actually, for I found a major disconnect in the codename why name it after a hill, when the territory in question is a shallow spot?

For a casual reader, the answer to my predicament seems simple. “Use the other bathroom!” But the answer to this problem isn’t that simple. For the bathroom with the frog wasn’t always my favourite bathroom. It had become my favourite bathroom after a small snake had started living in the water closet of bathroom one.

Now you know why Kerala is God`s own country – because man and animal live as one.

Categories
Family

Bed-wetting runs in our family like a nice little stream

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It all started very early one day – 2 am on 18 May 2009, to be precise. Rhea, our three-year-old daughter, who used to sleep between my wife and me sat up on the bed and started crying. If you have a kid, you know how scary these things look when they cry in the dark.

A three-year-old Rhea crying in her sleep at 2 am was definitely scary. The fact that I could feel thick blood on the bed sheet was scarier. Rushes of the movie “Evil Dead” appeared before my eyes. As I peered through the darkness to get a better glimpse of my daughter’s crying face, I noticed that my wife was also trying to do the same.

“Why is she crying? Did you kick her in your sleep?” My wife asked nonchalantly.

Before I could answer, she turned towards my three-year-old daughter and shouted, “Shut up, Rhea!”

“No, I didn’t do anything! I can feel blood on the bed sheet.” I managed to blurt out.

Rekha jumped out of the bed at a speed which only a concerned mother can achieve, switched on the lights (and by mistake switched off the fan, which angered me…but more on that later) and stared at the bed sheet for what seemed like ages. I was still gathering my wits.

If you are a man, you do understand that being the breadwinner isn’t an easy job. I mean, my wife does a lot of work being a home maker. But gossip, politics, backbiting, slandering and meddling in office can also be extremely tiring. It isn’t without reason that corporate firms have five-day weeks and home makers have to work on all seven days.

“This is not blood, it is piss. You almost gave me a heart attack!” My wife shouted back at me.

If there is one thing I hate about my wife, it is the fact that she keeps giving false hopes. “Heart attack, my foot,” I whispered to myself. She was going to be alive a very long time and my dreams of marrying a bewitching, young siren was going to be on my wishlist forever.

“Looks like she wet the bed.” I suggested eagerly.

As a kid I used to be a famed bed-wetter. So much so, my nickname in the neighborhoods was “LAP” – Little Adorable Pisser. Looked like Rhea had inherited this enviable quality from me. I looked down and my shorts was indeed wet at the right place. But I was almost sure it wasn’t me. As a child, wetting the bed is bad but as an adult, wetting a child’s bed and putting the blame on her was worse.

My wife broke my thoughts with her, “Yes, that’s more like it.” Now nothing could change. The jury had spoken. The culprit was indeed Rhea. By now, Rhea had stopped crying and was tugging at her shorts. Nobody likes their shorts to be wet, especially when it is 2 am and your parents are staring you down.

I thanked my stars for not falling for the beautiful salesgirl’s pitch at Home Center and buying the electric blanket. If I had, by now the three of us would have been history – the alkaline piss and the electric blanket would have been a fatal combination.

“Rhea, you are now a big girl. You shouldn’t be wetting the bed,” Rekha said.

“Mom, I am sorry, I won’t do it again.”

“You better not,” Rekha can be very persistent when required.

Being her daughter, Rhea is no less. She asked, “Mom, from tomorrow can I sleep with grandma?” I knew how Rhea’s mind was working. Now the question was, will my wife be able to spot how the little devil’s sharp mind was on overdrive?

Alas! Nobody escapes my wife. My wife replied: “If you think you can pin your piss on grandma, forget about it!” It took me time to gather the courage to say, “That’s alright, Rekha.” I was waiting for Rekha to stare at me with those pointy eyes which can burn a hole in anybody.

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Luckily, that wasn’t the case. Rekha was busy getting Rhea changed into a new set of clothes. After which, she started replacing the bedspread with a fresh set. As I watched her in action, I wondered for how long I will be able to keep my bed wetting a secret. How long can I keep the secret that I used to wet the bed till I was in fifth standard – yes, till I was 11 years old. Maybe not for long, but I was going to give it my best shot.

With time I have realized that bed-wetting is a bit like falling in love. It starts off with a nice dream and in the dream you are in this nice place. Once you start peeing, it is nice, warm and feels good. With time it becomes cold and messy. You want to get out of the mess but can’t because it requires a lot of effort so you just lie there for it to be morning.

Categories
Family

The tonsuring & ear piercing ceremony

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Sometime back I had traveled 5000 kilometers and spent Rs 20,000 for a 24-hour visit to Madurai.

Before you start thinking that I have arrived in life (for not every Tom, Beep & Harry can afford to spend Rs 20,000 for 24 hours) let me remind you that I am still not the Shah Rukh Khan of Anjam. For those of you who have forgotten this 1994 movie, let me remind you…in the Hindi movie Anjam SRK chases Madhuri Dixit, an air hostess, and in the process buys airline tickets whenever he feels like. In my case there was no air hostess but the occasion demanded that I be in Madurai. The occasion was my daughter`s tonsure and ear piercing ceremony for which I had applied for leave and got two days. Yes, two days – it had taken me longer to write the leave application!

For all those Americans, Germans, French and Japanese who read this blog, tonsure and ear-piercing ceremonies are a religious crime practiced by every family on every BABY in the family. On the level of criminal-ness, it comes second only to the act of naming a baby when he/she is sleeping. One such victim is yours sincerely, named Jamshed Velayuda Rajan.

If you are a new parent you should wait till your kid is at least five years, consult with him or her and then come up with a name. For your information, I was named ‘Jamshed Velayuda Rajan Will Singh` when I was two months old and sleeping…25 years later I would cut down the ‘Singh` part because of the way people pronounced my name. Well, I hate that Hyderabadi colleague who announced my name and asked me to come on stage …post which I took the mike and said: “Well, I can`t really sing(h)…but if you want me to…I can give it a shot. I am now going to sing(h) a song called ‘Papa Kehte Hain` from Qyamat Se Qyamat Tak.”

For those of us who are slow, here is a hint: Remember, I was christened ‘Jamshed Velayuda Rajan Will Singh.`

Oh…shucks! Weren`t we on the subject of my daughter`s tonsure (also known as mundan ceremony) and ear piercing? Getting back to it, when I reached home by the Air Deccan flight (no, my house doesn`t have an air strip yet!) a maroon colored Qualis was waiting for me at the airport. The Qualis van had some relatives who wanted to save the bus fare to the venue, some who wouldn`t have come if there was no pick up and drop and some who didn`t care but liked a break from the daily routine.

The van carrying 20 of my close relatives reached Alagar Kovil, Madurai (a hill temple full of monkeys) at 10.00 a.m.. Relatives who could afford bus fares of up to Rs 8 came to the venue by themselves, which was a good sight. I say ‘good sight` because most of my relatives take bath when they have to get out of the house.

I don`t know if it happens when your family gets together …but when mine does, there are at least 2 murders and 10 attempts to murder. After 1 hour of discussion, 1 murder and 6 attempts to murder, it was decided to have the tonsure ceremony first and then the ear piercing.

For those who don`t know, tonsure is the act of sacrificing the hair on a new born baby`s head (babies don`t have hair anywhere else), to the Gods. Hair has been sacrificed since ages because it has always grown back again. I am still looking for a man or woman who sacrificed his or her left arm or right thumb to God.

Like every religious act, I am sure this one too grew out of the need to be hygienic. Babies float around in their mother`s amniotic fluid for nine months (unless they are test tube babies, in which case they float around in the piss of angry lab assistants) and thus are exposed to all kinds of dirt. The docs of yesteryears resorted to “Sacrifice for Gods” as an excuse to goad people to be hygienic. And it is said that the a baby should be tonsured only after 7 months or so – my understanding is that`s how long it took the babies of yesteryears to be strong enough to face the crude hair removing tools.

While on the subject of hair removal, let me tell you that the waxing of legs amongst women became popular in the early 20th century because of two reasons –

Reason 1:
The razor companies wanting to double their sales, started tapping a virgin market – women – and asked them to start shaving their legs. Thus they doubled their sales.
Reason 2:
Thanks to the World Wars (esp the first) most of the Nylon being manufactured was used in making parachutes. Thus the women`s clothes got shorter and more legs got exposed…thus crying for shaving (which has today evolved into the fine art called Waxing).

Again…next time…please tell me if I go off topic.

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As I was saying, ear Piercing, is another criminal act which all parents and their new born have to undergo (predominantly in South India) within one year of the child birth. Once the ‘Asari` (a goldsmith) finishes the monster`s job of piercing a baby`s ear…the maternal uncle gifts her earrings.

I just have two questions – why pierce ears at such an early age? Is it because then maternal uncle only has to buy a small earring (approx 1 gram)? Or is it because the girls could reject the earnings for lack of style, if they were older?

Note: After what she went thro` on 21st November, I don`t think I would really
mind if on the day my daughter turns 21, she gets drunk, tattoos herself, gets her navel pierced and comes home.

Categories
Family

Happy Valentine’s Day poem for my wife of ten years

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This poem has been written for Rekha, my wife of 10 years. All those girlfriends who read this poem and fall in love with me again thinking it was written for them…I am really sorry. I wish this Happy Valentine’s Day poem was for you. My Valentine this year is my wife.

So here goes the Happy Valentine’s Day poem for my wife of ten years –

Happy Valentine’s Day my dear wife

Rekha, even as you sleep,
I sit before the comp,
Feeling my heart beep.

It has been ages I wrote a poem,
But I guess, the time has come,
To write one for my chum.

If I had the time and money,
I would have showered you with gifts,
And not delivered these ‘wordly` lifts.

Remember, you have my wallet,
And I only have Rs fifty.
Your father, by the way, is also thrifty.

Had it not been for your father`s thrift,
I would have bought you a little gift,
I hope you get the drift.

If only I had a million,
You wouldn’t be riding pillion,
You would have got a Ferrari.

If only they had a market,
Where they sold a child,
I bet you would have smiled.

In office,
By the time you read this verse,
I would have man-handled your purse.

Thus, a Valentine`s Day gift is assured.
Rekha, I love you…
The poem is over. Phew!

Happy Valentine’s Day, dear wife!

Categories
Family

eMail conversation between husband and wife

Here is an actual email conversation that happened between my wife and me.

Please understand that to make it an interesting read I have included a few fight scenes, a few romance scenes and a few song and dance sequences.

Do note, this is not a sex conversation between a husband and wife. To be honest, we are married, and hence this is anything but a sex chat. 😉

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.00 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Late?

Are you going to be late today too?

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.09 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Late?

Yes sweetheart. What about you? You are late too? 😉

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.15 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Late?

Yes sweetheart.

BTW, hope you have dropped the cheque, sorted out the water heater, and taken the Demand Draft in my father’s name?

*Didn’t like the sarcasm in your mail.

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.29 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Late?

I was not at all sarcastic. Was just enquiring…for our daughter Rhea will be home alone till we reach.

*Yes, taken a DD for your father.

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.15 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

I didn’t like the way you reduced the DD for my father to a mere footnote.

BTW, I wanted to know what time you will be reaching coz I want you to have a word with our 3-year-old daughter tonight.

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.34 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

A word with our three-year-old daughter? What? She has come home with a tattoo? Or did someone in leather jackets and a Harley drop her home last evening? What happened?

*Nope! I didn’t reduce the DD for your father to a mere footnote. Trust me, I didn’t swear when I was withdrawing the Rs 25,000 for the DD.

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.45 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

Your daughter has changed her boy friend again – for the third time in the last five months. I want her to behave like a good family girl – not be some flower-power girl from the 70s. And definitely not like her father.

I will be late today, but can you catch her attention before she hits the bed today and have a word with her?

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.34 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

Will do. But what do I tell her? I have no idea how a woman decides on her boyfriends. If I couldn’t read you in 15 years, how do you expect to read my daughter in 3 years?

*Will try anyway. Will update later.

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.25 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Thought I might as well change the subject

Any updates? Sorry was tied up…couldn’t check on your talk with the daughter earlier.

*What time did you come in last night? And when did you leave?

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.03 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

The talk went well. She argued back – said something that sounded like “blubber blubber clutter putter.” Whatever she said made sense.

*Came in at 1 am and left home again at 6.30 a.m. By the way, I noticed somebody well-built sleeping with you in our Queen-sized bed. Who was it?

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.37 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

That’s somebody I love, but you have no idea about it. I am not surprised. You know so little about me anyway.

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.14 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

What? When did you plan to break the news to me? What about our daughter – I definitely would want custody of her.

Where does he work anyway? Does he make more money than I do?

*Remember, Demand Drafts for your father won’t be part of the alimony

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.37 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Stupid! That was your mother, and my mother-in-law. And how easily divorce-talk comes to you. Are you seeing anybody? Is it that Mansi girl in your office?

*And yes, thanks to the Demand Drafts we send your mother, she is well built.

Regards,
Rekha
———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.14 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Ohh! That was my mother?! When did she land up?

And I agree, we now-a-days only speak thro’ emails. How about a call?

*Mansi quit. Aditi now manages our Social Media.

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.45 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Yeah…call is good. How about 9 p.m.? Will be in my car, on my way back then.

*And is this Aditi also pretty?

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 7.04 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

9 pm works for me too. Will be in my car heading for a business dinner with some investors.

Sending you a meeting invite & the conference call details now.

*Aditi is pretty. But she is married and has a kid as well.

Cheers,
Jammy

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 7.45 pm IST
From: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]
To: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Marriage and Kids have never stopped you from flirting before. Why do I have this feeling that you might upload this conversation onto the Internet?

*Been ages since I visited your website. Stopped being a regular visitor once the quality of the articles started going down.

Regards,
Rekha

———X——–X———

Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 8.16 pm IST
From: Jammy [jv.rajan@gmail.com]
To: Rekha [Rekha@filmyworld.com]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Please accept the meeting invite I just sent. You are right about this going onto the Internet. Don’t visit my website it till I tell you that a good article has been uploaded.

Now-a-days, we don’t talk often, so let us be punctual for the call.

*Darn! This Aditi wears such revealing clothes!

Cheers,
Jammy

Note: If you came here thinking this was going to be a sex chat between a couple, I am sure you are pretty disappointed. But hey, you lasted this long. Maybe you do have a funny bone after all. Check out our other funny articles.

Categories
Family

My wife forces me to lie, when I am lying down

Marriage is a great institution. I mean, really. I have huge respect for it. While I got to agree that the driving institute where I learnt my driving does give a tight fight…the institution of marriage comes a definite first.

I will do anything to keep my, my wife’s and people’s faith in this institution called marriage. Even lie to my wife.

You perhaps just let out a gasp: “Lie to wife?” If you did…you are probably a woman. Or an unmarried man. If you just let out a smirk, and uttered: “Don’t we all?,” you are the scheming, plotting husband who doesn’t need a lesson in safe-guarding the institution of marriage.

But you know…really, I am not to be blamed. What is a self-respecting, handsome, 35-year-old man expected to do when he is surprised at 10.30 pm with a question such as: “If I die, will you re-marry?”

Let me break it up for you.

Last Sunday….after trying our best for an hour, we finally managed to make our daughter sleep at 9.30 pm. She yielded to the Mayawati-aunty-will-come-and-take-you-away threat. Just in case you didn’t know…all that Gabbar jazz doesn’t work anymore.

From 9.30 pm to 9.45 pm, we lay in bed, in a dark room, facing the ceiling…and to top it all our daughter slept like Jesus (arms extended) in between. It was a battle of the sexes. Finally, I had to speak up. I asked: “”Slept?

“Nope!” Rekha said. My wife doesn’t generally speak loudly….but when its night, and the room is dark…her voice can sometimes ring in the ears for up to 90 seconds.

After 90 seconds, I uttered: “Hmmm…”

“What hmmm…?” That was Rekha again.

Can somebody tell me…why is it that only the man should initiate? Why not the woman?

Since now the onus of replying to Rekha’s question “What hmmm…?” was on me, I replied: “Simply hmmm…”

Rekha quickly responded: “Better be simply hmmm…”

Another 5 minutes of silence followed. If you thought waiting outside a public toilet to take a dump, when somebody was inside is torture….let me tell you, waiting for the right moment when you are lying down in bed with your wife is a bigger torture. In the former you know the guy inside is going to come out sometime or the other….but in my case…there was this good chance that Rekha would sleep off.

After five minutes, I said: “Very silent huh?”

“Obviously. Its 10.15 pm and everybody is trying to sleep.”

“You are also trying to sleep?” I expressed my shock.

“Obviously. Tomorrow is Monday, and we need to start early.”

“Hmm…I was thinking, maybe we can play some golf?” I don’t know if I have told you earlier, but we Rajans are very persistent. We don’t give up till we get what we want.

“Rajan, I am too tired. BTW, what do you plan to do with your iPhone once you buy HTC Desire HD?”

“Well, I was planning to give it to my mother. She has been wanting to change her mobile.”

Considering the situation, it was the wrong answer. I should have said: “You can use it if you want.” But I had already spoken to my mother and told her that I would be passing on the iPhone to her.

“iPhone for a 55 year old lady? What if I take it and we give the mobile I am using to you mother?”

I wasn’t new to this. Many a times, just before tee-off time Rekha had asked for what she wanted and got it. This was no different.

“Sure, Rekha.”

I knew I couldn’t live without Golf, but my mother could manage without an iPhone.

“So, Golf now?” I asked confidently.

“One more thing…if I die, will you marry somebody else?”

In the dark, I could see Rekha turning towards me…trying to catch my expressions. I tried to hold back a smile…but couldn’t….so turned the other way.

“No Rekha. How can I even think of sharing my life with another woman?”

I don’t know if Rekha knows that these are all lies, and a lot will depend on the circumstances. I don’t know if she actually saw me smile, and ignored it for good. I don’t know why she even asks such questions. But the fact is, she forces me to lie, while lying down.

I wouldn’t go into the details of the excellent Golfing session. But at about 12 midnight, while staring at the ceiling in a dark room, I said: “Actually Rekha…I have been thinking. I don’t really know what I will do if you are no longer there. A lot will depend on the circumstances.”

There was no response. It has been a week now, and there have been no repercussions…so I would guess, she had slept by the time I decided to tell her the truth.

Categories
Family

Taj Mahal – the untold story

Sucking up to your boss can take you places. But it can`t take your mom places too…so when my mother wanted to see the Taj Mahal, I had to plan the trip myself.

Ever since my father fell to Cancer in 2005, my mother has lived a lonely existence. She keeps visiting her three children but goes back to the nest that her husband built for her with his post-retirement funds. So, when she is with us and wants anything done…no questions asked…it gets done.

“Son, I would like to visit Agra,” It was my mom talking.

“Why?” I enquired.

“Haven`t you heard of Taj Mahal? It is in Agra.” It was my mom talking, again.

Categories
Family

How babies come into this World

Rhea is now 20 months old and it has been a long journey. If I were to draw a parallel, it has been like crossing the Niagara Falls on a tight walk rope. That`s why in the last 20 months, while playing with Rhea I have always sat down on the floor.

I still remember that fateful day when my wife asked me to come home early. Like the good husband, I didn`t stop by at my friend`s place for a beer and reached home in time.

“We have been married for two years now.” Rekha said.

“Two years? That`s it? Are you sure?” It did seem like ten years to me.

“We got married on 8th Sept, 2004…remember?” My wife reminded me.

I knew the year of marriage. Being a man, the date didn`t matter. But I nodded.

“Do you think we should expand our family now? I mean…how long will it be just the two of us?” Rekha was closer now. She always did this when she wanted something from me. Especially….money.

I knew what she was saying. When you work 24 hours a day, you need somebody at home…to care for you…to cook & clean for you…somebody who would ask how your day was when you were back from office. I knew what exactly to say.

“Rekha, you are right. Why don`t we call my mother and ask her if she wants to stay with us?” For the first time, my wife had shown some amount of love towards her mother-in-law and I was glad things were working out between them.

“You mother? I wasn`t referring to her. Somebody younger…think hard…” There was a bit of anger in Rekha`s voice.

My brain started processing…somebody younger…that had to be my sister….but then, Rekha isn`t too cool with my sister either…why would she want my sister at home? Perhaps, for all those girl talk that I wasn`t good at. One can never understand women…

“Sure Rekha. If you wish, I can call up Sumathy and ask her if she can come to Chennai and stay with us.” God, my whole family was getting back again….marriage wasn`t the family-breaker that I had started to think it was.

“Sumathy? Why would I want your sister in this house? She is my sister-in-law for God`s sake!”

Having lost the war of wits, I asked my wife up straight: “So, whom do you want to bring home?”

At this my wife let out which till then was the longest sentence she has ever used in front of me: “And I thought I should have attempted something as subtle as that Tea advertisement where the lady model while serving tea for her husband also keeps a small tea cup, depicting a baby…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …..”

I don`t remember most of the sentence, but I can assure you that it was the longest sentence I had heard from her in two years of marriage. Mind you, the record has since been broken many times over – when it comes to long sentences, she is the pole-vaulter Sergi Bubka!

Anyway, to cut the long story short…Rekha was asking me if we could have a baby.

That`s something that I hate about Rekha. Even when she wanted to buy a TVS Scooty for herself, the first person she wanted to check with was me: “Should, I buy a TVS Scooty?”

Once I agreed, there was another question: “What color do you think I should go for?”

Once I had suggested black, there was the other question: “Should I go for a loan or downright payment?”

This time around, I wasn`t letting this happen…I told her: “Listen Rekha, now that I have agreed we can and should have a baby…I don`t want you to waste your time asking questions…just go out there and get one. Be done with it.”

Rekha had a flustered expression on her face, which I didn`t see when we were discussing her TVS Scooty.

“What happened?” I inquired.

She looked long and hard at me, and I think I detected pity in her eyes and then she said: “Fifteen years from now…your kid will ask you how children come into this World. See if you can figure this thing out by then.”

Before long she was in the kitchen to make the evening tea. Surprisingly, she didn`t keep that subtle ‘small cup` on the table while serving me the tea.

Here are some photos of Rhea, snapped when she was having the fun of her life in the still uncorrupt environs of Kannur (in Kerala) & Madurai (in Tamil Nadu).


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Post Script:

It has been three years since we had this discussion, and our sweet little daughter Rhea is now 20 months old. Like Elizabeth Stone once said, deciding to have a child is like deciding to let your heart get out of your body & go out walking every day. Considering the import of her statement, wonder if it was Elizabeth Stone or Elizabeth was Stoned?

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