Gimme Red!

It was Christmas Eve, and I was looking for some wine. I needed (more than wanted) to gift a bottle of alcoholic wine to one of my friend.

Of late, I have got a liking for wine, for various reasons. One, it forms a nice costly gift, and two…after gifting it, I can casually remark at the dining table that it was a new brand, and hadn’t tasted it yet. And the host would invariably place it in front of me at the dining table. That is, unless the host also happens to be like me – a domesticated criminal.

Anyways, here I was looking for a bottle of wine as a Christmas gift.

My first stop were the liqour stores manned by Ms Jayalalitha’s men. For the uninitiated, Tamil Nadu Govt has taken over liqour distribution. The surprisingly polite salesman told me that the wine consignment was yet to reach them. Checking with several other shops revealed the same. Ironically, all these shops are called `Wine shops.`

I turned towards fresh hunting grounds – fancy shops that sell imported edible items. The one that came first to mind – not mine, but ThomasKutty’s – was a shop in the first floor of Spencers Plaza.

Spencers is not my kind of a place. Too expensive and too happening for a country bumpkin like me. But still, I went there. Finding a place to park my bike ate up 20 minutes. Finding the shop ate up another 20 minutes. But as lady lucky preffered, there was no wine for sale.

There is something I hate about Plazas. All the women look alike – they wear a tight fitting trouser/bottom, and a contrasting top. On their left shoulder all carry a black/brown handbag, and in their right hand they display a fancy mobile. They all reek of perfume.

Pray, Chennai gets rid of its water problem…else these girls will always have an excuse for using strong perfumes. In fact, the scent is so strong one wonders if it is supposed to attract or repell the testosterone laced.

Anyways, coming back to why I am writing this…my next stop was an Anglo-Indian friend’s house. On enquiry, I was told they make what they ding….oops sorry, drink. And they take a lot of wine during the Christmas season. Sometimes, it is also a nice money-making venture. Unfortunately, this friend had decided to Play Grinch, and had left for Bangalore.

Christmas was nearing…I even remember seeing three wise men asking for directions. With no other option left, I thought some home made, non-alcoholic wine should do and ended up at a Bakery. And those buggers, the bakers that they are, baked a big story on why I should buy a gift pack worth Rs 200, which was supposed to have 200ml of the sought after red liquid. I refused to oblige, and was on the road again.

Within minutes of giving up the hunt, I was in her house. There was no wine, but she said my lips were intoxicating enough. The rest, as they say, is biology!

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

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