Do all married men need mistresses?

Even for one moment, I don`t want you to believe that the Vacancy Available advertisement I gave in The Hindu dated September 30, had any sexual intension.

Here is what the advertisement said:

A handsome young man (I am 31 years old) is looking for an understanding, compassionate lady partner to be his mistress. The applicant should understand English and should be well-versed in Internet (I travel quite a bit and for six months in a year will be in touch only thro` mails). I believe that looks don`t maketh a man (or a woman) and hence a 28-32-28 structure (or should it be 32-28-32?) is definitely an advantage. While prior experience can be an advantage, such candidates may please excuse. To get in touch with the applicant, log onto Yahoo! and add  as your friend.

The advertisement was an instant hit. I was added as a friend by 1738 applicants and I have face-to-face meeting scheduled till Oct 19, 2008.

You probably think I am an evil incarnate. Why would anybody have such a pretty wife and look elsewhere? (Fine! I know that you know that my wife Rekha visits this blog) Well, here is the answer.

On 24th of September, Rekha and I went to a restaurant for dinner. Both of us sat down at the most prominent table available. One of the many habits I have inculcated in Rekha is – never sit on the same side of the table. In the initial days of our courtship, we did …but it didn`t take me long to realize that ogling at girls becomes a difficult task when both of us sat on the same side. Soon we started facing opposite directions. Wonder why Rekha immediately agreed!

Anyway, we were enjoying our dinner when our waiter walked up to Rekha and said: “I don`t think you should be doing this.”

Both of us were perplexed. I stood up, looked at the waiter straight in the eye (only to find out that he was squint-eyed) and asked: “What do you mean?”

“Sir, you keep out of this. You are young and innocent. It is the lady`s fault.” The waiter was brushing me aside.

Having gotten used to this treatment after marriage, I didn`t retaliate and settled down.

The waiter looked at Rekha again and said: “You shouldn`t be doing this madam!”

“But what am I doing?” Rekha asked. I could feel the restaurant reverberate as she spoke.

When my wife speaks, everybody listens (including me) but this waiter was proving to be a tough nut to crack.

“Madam, you shouldn`t be coming out on dates with your students. That`s against the morals of our society.”

“Who is my student here?” Rekha shouted back.

“This young lad sitting across the table.”

“We don`t understand you,” Rekha exclaimed. It is a practice Rekha has perfected…whenever in danger of losing the conversation, include your husband.

“Let me explain. Looking at you, I would put your age at 32-33…this gentleman sitting across seems 24-25. From the mangalsutra and the kumkum I can see that you are married. Finally, from the way you laugh at every joke the gentleman cracks, I can tell you that you are not married to him.”

I can`t reveal what all happened at the restaurant after that. The money we have to pay for the broken dishes alone comes to Rs 16,981/-.

Now-a-days, immediately after getting up in the morning Rekha asks: “Do I look old today?” I lie every day (that too early in the morning), “No way!”

Now you know why I have advertised for a mistress – to accompany me to restaurants. We can always pack food for Rekha!

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

37 replies on “Do all married men need mistresses?”

Amit Agarwal: Hey bhai, kya haal hai? Thats bit of a risk one has to take. Afterall, happiness is not the only thing in life. And anyway between Rekha and her father – it is Rekha who is more dangerous….
Heard the saying “FROM THE Frying pan to the fire?”

Congratulations jammy. The site looks gud except that I liked the picture u had before better.

And lucky u for u at times can be really rude to ur wife on ur blogs but she still leaves u able ngh to write the next blog (for the sake of us readers who totally depend on u for our daily lughter dose).

Now tats a sweet lady who knws how to digest a gud joke. Here’s to rekha who takes it all in to her stride.

Ravi: Thanks mate…all credit to Rekha for letting me sit at the comp for 30 hours in three days (Sat, Sun & Monday – the long weekend).

Nina: Well….I guess, women could also have a mister. You know who the most appropriate mister can be? A sensitive, gay friend who can accompany the lady for shopping, outings etc…in short all the outings undertaken by the wife which require the husband to be a mere spectator… 🙂

Bhavya: I totally agree…Rekha is tops. Without her there would be no, and I am not saying this because she paid for the domain name 😉

to accompany me to restaurants does not sound like the real reason Jammy:-)but it is certainly very creative:-) LOL…

Your new blog design looks fabulous! couple of Usability issues, but i wont bore you with that here..


Masood Nasser: Thanks buddy. Believe me…I need a mistress for just that – take her to the restaurant! Wonder what your naughty (and evil) mind is thinking…
Why can’t this World let a innocent man reveal his plans without soiling his reputation?

BTW…do mail me the usability issues you spoted. Will try and solve those.

Oh jammy, I thought you wanted her for color coordinating your clothes.. now what did your evil mind think and assume that my (supposedly) evil mind was thinking….

And second your thought on the innocent mans reputation being soiled. Whenever an innocent man like me says something, am pushed in a gutter or a mud pool..and thus not only my reputation, but my clothes get soiled too. But on the plus part, I get to say that I am a “son of the soil”.

Hey Jammy,
the site looks awesome man.. you r on you peak… God only save rekha… nice of her to take everything in a jolly stride…
BTW … if your posts take a delay.. dont tell us that u were tooooooo busy with those who have applied!?!

Hey Jammy.. The new site looks cool…One small sugestion.. Rekha has been sportiv in uploading a photo with you also in the pic, in her movie blog.. u shud reciprocate by having her photo also on the homepage of ouchmytoe… the main purpose..the reading public has to see for themselves.. who looks older 😉

Hey Jammy.. The new site looks cool…One small sugestion.. Rekha has been sportiv in uploading a photo with you also in the pic, in her movie blog.. u shud reciprocate by having her photo also on the homepage of ouchmytoe… the main purpose..the reading public needs to judge for themselves as to who looks older 😉

Masood Nasser: I cn’t really take this discussion to the next level coz we would then be washing dirty lenin, undies, kerchiefs etc in public. Something that I dont have permission from my wife yet.
But I do agree with you about this “Son of the soil” funda…in my case its a little different…it is “Sun or the Soil”.

Uma: Our sincere thanks for the compliment.
And yes, Rekha does take everything in her stride…dragging me behind. If your posts take a delay it needn’t always mean that I have been beaten up by Rekha. Have you heard of something called a Husband’s Block? Another name for a Husband’s Block is Wife!

Arun: thanks mate. Agree…we need to display Rekha’s photograph on this blog.

Till now the thought never came to her..but after reading your comment she is blaming me for not making her famous yet! Thanks for making my life peaceful :-0

From the scolding I got today, I think the reading public will soon see a doctored image of Rekha up on the site.

Jammy.. when i spoke about delay I meant your words …
“The advertisement was an instant hit. I was added as a friend by 1738 applicants and I have face-to-face meeting scheduled till Oct 19, 2008.” …

Uma: Ha ha ha ha…why are you calling Rekha? And yes, I did understand why you spoke about “the delay”. I was just pretending not to understand coz my wife memorizes all the comments in the morning and asks about them in the evening!

keep on uRuttifying rekha’s head. one of these days you will find yours on a platter… offered to all the chicks that you ogle through virtual space 🙂

[…] # 1. About Jamshed Velayuda Rajan # 2. Rekha is pregnant and happy # 3. The Kingfisher Class – Part 1 # 4. A visit to Fan India, Chennai # 5. Married men need mistresses # 6. Getting to know sex thro’ Fashion TV # 7. Different types of fathers in law # 8. When the baby and the mother bond and forget the father # 9. The initial months of pregnancy # 10. Accepting gifts from relatives # 11. # 12. Once inside the Jet Airways # 13. Can somebody tell me what women want # 14. Inviting friends over # 15. Why should you marry the girl you love # 16. Sexual escapades of a married man # 17. Our visit to a gynecologist # 18. Trained Romance # 19. Making full use of the bath tub # 20. The art of swearing unnoticed # 21. Mother in law vs daughter in law # 22. When Rekha and I visited Mocha, Chennai # 23. A married man’s guide to safe and sound staring # 24. Am I a lesbian? # 25. Sex on television # 26. The origin and art of kissing # 27. Why do men always pee in the wrong place? # 28. I think I am pregnant # 29. Ten sentences you will never hear your wife say # 30. Much married, much harried # 31. A fat chance – never call your wife fat # 32. Valentine’s day is over. Phew! # 33. Ten reasons why you need a girl friend # 34. My world is suddenly crowded # 35. The conversation between Osama and Batman […]

He he he he he he he, hope your wife does read this blog and beat you up with whatever dishes remain at home. In case, she’s already done that, gimme your address, and I ll courier across some more dishes for her to break over your head.


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