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Do all married men need mistresses?

Even for one moment, I don`t want you to believe that the Vacancy Available advertisement I gave in The Hindu dated September 30, had any sexual intension.

Here is what the advertisement said:

A handsome young man (I am 31 years old) is looking for an understanding, compassionate lady partner to be his mistress. The applicant should understand English and should be well-versed in Internet (I travel quite a bit and for six months in a year will be in touch only thro` mails). I believe that looks don`t maketh a man (or a woman) and hence a 28-32-28 structure (or should it be 32-28-32?) is definitely an advantage. While prior experience can be an advantage, such candidates may please excuse. To get in touch with the applicant, log onto Yahoo! and add SeeHeaven_1975@Yahoo.com  as your friend.

The advertisement was an instant hit. I was added as a friend by 1738 applicants and I have face-to-face meeting scheduled till Oct 19, 2008.

You probably think I am an evil incarnate. Why would anybody have such a pretty wife and look elsewhere? (Fine! I know that you know that my wife Rekha visits this blog) Well, here is the answer.

On 24th of September, Rekha and I went to a restaurant for dinner. Both of us sat down at the most prominent table available. One of the many habits I have inculcated in Rekha is – never sit on the same side of the table. In the initial days of our courtship, we did …but it didn`t take me long to realize that ogling at girls becomes a difficult task when both of us sat on the same side. Soon we started facing opposite directions. Wonder why Rekha immediately agreed!

Anyway, we were enjoying our dinner when our waiter walked up to Rekha and said: “I don`t think you should be doing this.”

Both of us were perplexed. I stood up, looked at the waiter straight in the eye (only to find out that he was squint-eyed) and asked: “What do you mean?”

“Sir, you keep out of this. You are young and innocent. It is the lady`s fault.” The waiter was brushing me aside.

Having gotten used to this treatment after marriage, I didn`t retaliate and settled down.

The waiter looked at Rekha again and said: “You shouldn`t be doing this madam!”

“But what am I doing?” Rekha asked. I could feel the restaurant reverberate as she spoke.

When my wife speaks, everybody listens (including me) but this waiter was proving to be a tough nut to crack.

“Madam, you shouldn`t be coming out on dates with your students. That`s against the morals of our society.”

“Who is my student here?” Rekha shouted back.

“This young lad sitting across the table.”

“We don`t understand you,” Rekha exclaimed. It is a practice Rekha has perfected…whenever in danger of losing the conversation, include your husband.

“Let me explain. Looking at you, I would put your age at 32-33…this gentleman sitting across seems 24-25. From the mangalsutra and the kumkum I can see that you are married. Finally, from the way you laugh at every joke the gentleman cracks, I can tell you that you are not married to him.”

I can`t reveal what all happened at the restaurant after that. The money we have to pay for the broken dishes alone comes to Rs 16,981/-.

Now-a-days, immediately after getting up in the morning Rekha asks: “Do I look old today?” I lie every day (that too early in the morning), “No way!”

Now you know why I have advertised for a mistress – to accompany me to restaurants. We can always pack food for Rekha!

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