My wife is selfish

“Why don`t Oysters donate? Because they are shellfish!”

* * * * *

I would have never known this but for my NCC friend Jayachandran`s decision to marry. I am glad his marriage opened my eyes to the ways of my wife. The connection? Read on.

Being a working day, we had to leave office early on Thursday to reach the marriage/reception hall by 7.30 p.m.. Since I was not dressed up to Rekha`s tastes, it was unanimously decided by Rekha that I get down at our house and change while she visits the nearby Archie`s showroom and buy a gift.

I remember seeing a glint in her eyes, when we parted. The glint could have easily meant: “Wow, I just managed to save Rs 500.”

Anyway, as were the orders, I went up to my house…took Rekha`s favorite shirt and changed. Some times she insists I wear shirts that match her churidhaar but I was glad this was not one of those occasions. When I opened the door I realized that I hadn`t worn a trouser. Rekha had never mentioned it…

For a brief while I wondered if I could wear a trouser. Would Rekha be upset? She hadn`t said anything about it. I dared to take the chance and wore a black trouser. But the story here is not about me wearing or not wearing a trouser.

When I reached Archie`s showroom in 20 minutes, they were packing the gift.

“What did you buy?”

“A nice little gift.” She said.

“I know you bought a gift, but what is it? Jayachandran is a good friend and this is not one of those…have-to-be-there-so-we-are-going type of marriage.” At times, I can get really rude.

“I bought ceramic cups worth Rs 300,” she replied with all the anger she could show in front of the packing girl. I even noticed her toes curl in anger.

If you are married, you might want to take a look at your wife`s toes when she is angry. Most of them curl…and those that don`t would have lost their toes to freshers out of the College of Pedicure, Mumbai. Just make sure you don`t go under the bed-sheet to take a look at your wife`s toes.

“I think the gift`s worth could have been the same as it was for your friend Deepa Christopher.” I still remember feeling my tears roll down my cheeks when Rekha gifted her a make-up kit worth Rs 1000 for her birthday.

“But Deepa is a very close friend of mine.” My wife replied.

“So is Jayachandran. In fact, he is a 10-year old friend.” I curled my toes inside my shoes. Pity Rekha couldn`t see them.

“I didn`t know you had friends who were 10-year olds? Wouldn`t that make this child marriage?”

That really upset me. I decided not to speak to Rekha till she apologized. We didn`t speak in the car, at the marriage, during dinner, before going to bed, on Friday, today….

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

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