Ouchmytoe.com

By Dave Barry

Dave Barry is a humor columnist. For 25 years he was a syndicated columnist whose work appeared in more than 500 newspapers in the United States and abroad. In 1988 he won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. Many people are still trying to figure out how this happened. I wonder how many of Ouchmytoe.com readers will like this Dave Barry column (written in 1994) because unlike Ouchmytoe, this calls for a bit of intelligence too.

Back in 1954, when the Russians were evil and I was a first-grader at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., the school authorities regularly conducted emergency drills wherein we students practiced protecting ourselves from nuclear attack by crouching under our desks. We’d hunker down there until Mrs. Hart gave us the word that the nuclear war was over, then we’d crawl back out and resume reading about the fascinating adventures of Dick and Jane. (”Ha!” said Dick. ”Ha ha!” said Jane. ”Ha ha ha!” said Dick. ”Ha ha ha ha” … etc.)

I understand this drill was conducted in many schools in the ’50s. Apparently the desks used in classrooms back then were made of an exceptionally missile-resistant variety of wood. During the Cold War years, I often wondered why it never occurred to our defense planners to protect the entire nation from nuclear attack by simply covering it, from sea to shining sea, with a huge Strategic Classroom Desk. More

Other Interesting Reads

Sonia and Manmohan caught on tape
Oh No! Not Gandhi Jayanthi again
Bush vs Musharraf
Non-Resident Indians

By Melvin Durai

Melvin Durai is an India-born, North America-based humorist, writer and occasional stand-up comedian. His humor columns, acclaimed for being both funny and thought-provoking, are carried regularly by dozens of newspapers, magazines and websites in several countries, including the United States, India and Zambia. Melvin doesn’t know this yet, but he is a regular reader of Ouchmytoe.com.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for flying British Airways Flight 324 nonstop from London to New York. We are still awaiting our security clearance from U.S. authorities, but it’s safe to assume that we’ll land in New York sometime in the next month or so.

If you look to your left, you will see a landmark that attracts more than one million tourists every year. It’s called Heathrow Airport. Yes, we haven’t yet taken off, as a few astute passengers have noticed. Needless to say, we would rather wait on the ground than in the air — it’s so much easier to get a refill. You won’t believe how fast we go through our liquor cart. More

Other Interesting Reads

My first Interview
My trip to Vishakhapatnam – Part 1
My trip to Vishakhapatnam – Part 2
Exploiting Taj Residency, Vishakhapatnam

The two kids you will see in the video are Tristan and Nic Puehse – fraternal twins born on December 8, 1997. They began skating just after their 6th birthday. Their natural athletic ability and toughness, combined with a “no-fear” attitude have made them serious competitors. More about them at www.skateboardingtwins.com

And no…this is not an advertisement. The video was exciting enough for Ouchmytoe.com.

Yesterday I took my grandmother to a hospital nearby. She had been coughing the whole night and I thought if I could fix her a meeting with the 65-year-old general physician nearby, she would be happy.

My grandma had a ball of a time. The doctor held her hand (he said he was checking the pulse, but I don`t believe him) which made me turn my head away. When he continued his small talk beyond the customary ten minutes I had to excuse myself from the room.

While waiting outside, I realized the biggest truth of our times. Medicines are really costly and beyond the reach of the average IT professional who earns only INR 75,000 per month. I didn`t believe when my friends said drugs were costly but now I believe them.

Talking of drugs, I once tried sniffing coke. It managed it well for a while but couldn`t do anything once the straw stuck in my nose. Guess sniffing coke is no longer fashionable. But there was a time….a time when the world was normal and people took drugs to make it weird. Unfortunately, now the world is weird but people take anti-depressants to make it normal.

Coming back to drugs…I remember Art Buchwald writing in one of his columns that medicines in US were so costly that people had started storing them in their bank lockers.

While my thoughts were racing across the Atlantic ocean, I saw an investment banker walk into the pharmacy and ask: “What is the costliest tablet you have?”

While a confused Jammy looked at the investment banker, the pharmacist as a matter of fact replied: “You can either buy InvestiPill which costs INR 78,000 per tablet or go for CeleSave which costs INR 81,499.99 per tablet.”

I had never known that such pills existed. The tablets I ever bought – and I wonder whom I should thank for that …God because he ensured I wouldn`t need costly pills or our family doctor who never prescribed them – were Saridon, Anacin, Dart or at the max Strepcils. Mind you, they are very cheap pills costing INR 1 each.

I moved closer to the pharmacy counter and asked: “Sir, the gentleman who just paid you INR 2,34,000 and bought three Investipills never showed you a prescription.”

“Looks like you don`t invest,” the pharmacist said.

“No I don`t. In fact, that is one of the reasons why my wife and I fight over the morning coffee.” I shot back.

“Are you saying you are not aware of the increasing drug prices?”

I replied in the negative.

At my second consecutive reply in the negative the pharmacist didn`t reply. Perhaps he didn`t want to talk to me.

Even as I was leaving, I saw an old man walk towards the pharmacy. He had snow like white hair and was using a walking stick to balance himself. I took a step towards him and asked: “Sir, do you remember the good old times when medicines used to be cheaper?”

“I am sorry…I don`t know what you are talking about. BTW, does this pharmacy have tablets for Alzheimers?”

Other Must Reads

On why I hate old men in post offices with a postcard in their hand
Tale of a dead towel
I drink, therefore I am
Kissing – how it all began
On why I hate Nursery Rhymes

An indicator based on the theory that a consumer turns to less-expensive indulgences, such as lipstick, when she (or he) feels less than confident about the future. Therefore, lipstick sales tend to increase during times of economic uncertainty or a recession.

This term was coined by Leonard Lauder (chairman of Estee Lauder), who consistently found that during tough economic times, his lipstick sales went up. Believe it or not, the indicator has been quite a reliable signal of consumer attitudes over the years. For example, in the months following the Sept 11 terrorist attacks, lipstick sales doubled.

If this is too much for you to handle, check out the Skirt Length Theory

Last evening I left Mumbai by the 7.50 p.m. Jet Airways flight and reached Chennai.

I want to share with mere mortals like you, a small encounter I had with a petite air-hostess called Celina and me. If you also know her, I would want you to press my case. Not my suitcase!

She had just finished serving me a vegetarian dinner – with the same care and compassion my wife Rekha used to show while serving me dinner in the early days of our marriage.

Perhaps she had been following my habits, for immediately after dinner Celina walked the aisle, passing many other passengers on the way, and stopped right in front of me.

She asked: “Tea, sir?”

I gave my 100 million cents smile. She repeated: “Sir, would you want T?”

With my 100 million cents smile intact, I relied: “I don`t want T. If it is the alphabet that you are asking about, I would want U!”

She did pour the T for me. Just that by mistake she spilled it all over my fluorescent lime colored Arrow shirt and Indian Terrain Kakhis.

Other Must Reads
Why should you marry the girl you love?
A married man`s guide to safe and sound staring
Ten reasons why you need a girl friend…
A conversation overheard

Indu Balachandran, a real comedy writer (like me), has come up with an amazing article on dinning out. Please don’t miss it for the World. Like me…Indu is also an Economics student.

Unlike me, she has won a Gold medal in journalism, worked in an ad agency, bungee-jumped at Bali, white-water-rafted in the Ganga, danced like Zorba the Greek in Crete, stood speechless inside the Pyramid at Egypt…blah blah blah.

Whine and dine

BEFORE marriage, the three best words a couple loves to hear from each other are “I Love You”. Later, the three best words are probably “Let’s Eat Out”.

With new speciality restaurants popping up like mushrooms — in fact, I heard one opened last week called Mushroom Mania — there are so many new exciting ways to eat, without having a pile of dishes to wash up later. And eating out can be enjoyed in such fine combinations of activity these days — buy books and eat, watch a play and eat, enjoy a movie and eat, go bowling and eat…

But, I must say one combination seemed a bit suspicious to me. This was a petrol station with a restaurant attached. A board outside announced, “You can eat here, and get gas”. Read More

[This post has too much of Morse Code. Proceed at your own peril]

Rekha is learning Morse code. For those who don`t know what Morse code is, it is a language which uses only two states – on or off – of a light bulb for example…to communicate. Audible Morse code would sound like – Dit, Dit, Da, Da….with ‘Dit` for dots and ‘Da` for dashes…and a combination of both forming each alphabet.

Confused? Read about Morse code in WIKIPEDIA before proceeding further. If you want to continue reading this post, thank your stars that you were born intelligent and click here.

– – – X- – –

“I am going to learn Morse code,” my wife said even as I closed Art Buchwald`s We will laugh again.

I was amused. Not because like me Art Buchwald is an amazing satirist but because I didn`t expect my wife to know about Morse code. I didn`t remember telling her about the times when my father and I communicated in Morse code so that my mother (and my father`s wife) didn`t know of our plans. We would blink our eyes and communicate messages.

My mother would sometimes get out of the trenches (read kitchen) and ask, “What was that?”

My Army man father, so used to making excuses to his superiors, would shout back, “Just a bit of remorse, madam.”

When my mother wasn`t listening, my father would elbow me and ask: “What does one get when Morse code is conveyed in reverse?

“What papa?” The innocent Jammy – those were the days – would ask.

“Remorse code!”

As if the humiliation wasn`t enough he would then ask me his favorite second question: “Now tell me what does one get when Reverse is conveyed in Morse Code?”

Since I never knew the answer, he would thrust this (see pic on left) Morse Code board into my face.

Cutting back to the present, Rekha is now learning Morse code. She revealed the secret when we were getting out of the gynecologist`s clinic.

“Let me guess…some office politics?” I responded.

“No…why?” Rekha had a confused look on her face.

“What else would you learn Morse code for? The biggest benefit of Morse code is that… after conveying the message you leave no evidence of it – no paper, no emails, no tapes, no nothing.”

“Ok … so?”

“Don`t all these features make Morse code the right vehicle to discuss office gossip?”

“Shame on you Rajan. How could you even think of your wife like that? When I saw Pratima kiss Balu in the cafeteria…I told only four people. If Radhika had seen them, she would have immediately created a Yahoo! Group on the scandal and given the URL to 16 other colleagues.”

“What are you trying to say, Rekha?”

“I am trying to tell you that unlike Shobha De and Stardust…I don`t live on gossip.”

I couldn`t believe my wife. Since when did gossip become second in the list of must-haves? I remember when we got married, gossip was 1.5 points more than diamond in the list of must haves.

“Then pray tell me why you learning Morse code,” I insisted.

She gave me a look which when translated in a rush meant: you-pig-of-a-man-why-did-I-even-marry-you-in-the-first-place. When translated at leisure it meant: If-not-for-the-kid-I-am-carrying-I-would-have-killed-you.

“Do you know that I am carrying your baby?”

“I know.”

‘Do you know that the baby is almost fourteen inches long and kicks me once in a while – which gives me a ticklish feeling?”

“I know.”

“Do you remember the many times I have asked you to place your hand on my stomach when the baby is kicking?”

“I remember.”

“Do you remember the many times the baby stopped moving as soon as I called your name. Probably because you still don`t exist for our baby.”

“I remember.”

“Do you remember the many times you said you wanted to feel the baby`s kicks so that you are not left out on the big pleasures of fatherhood?”

“I remember.”

“Good…I will be using Morse code to call you when the baby starts kicking.”

I stared into her eyes and I knew that for once she meant no harm. Just when I was about to start trusting my wife again, she said: “You might want to brush up your Morse code!”
From The Archives

St. Valentine, I am looking for ya!
Sonia and Manmohan caught on tape
National Animal – a national concern
Kid Story: How Onion got its clothes