Stealing the show

Girl to her class teacher: “My daddy just got a new car!”
“That`s nice,” says the teacher. “So is he all excited?”
The girl replies: “Of course yes. He spent the whole night re-painting and changing the number plates.”

As always, today also somebody broke into somebody else`s house in Chennai. This has been happening regularly.

What are these enterprising men and women called? Thieves, robbers, burglars, dacoits, bandits…why do we need so many names for them? No wonder, the policemen have such trouble finding out the culprits. Ironically, I know only two synonyms for God – almighty and the American President.

I myself used to be a kleptomaniac once. For a long time I was taking something for it. But then realized, that when the doctor advised me to take something to cure kleptomania…he didn`t mean Priya`s fountain pen or Sudip`s 500 rupees or Satish`s 512 Mb Thumb drive.

This kleptomaniac tendency of mine even forced me to rob a bank. It was neither a sperm bank nor a blood bank. I am talking of a real money bank. I can`t reveal the bank`s name here because I am currently working on a tunnel from that bank`s safe vault and I don`t want them to smarten up. Anyways, I covered my face with a black mask…and took along a gun (the costly black ones you get during Diwali). The good thing about bank employees is that they are paranoid their whole working life – practicing the theft procedure to be followed in case of emergency. Thus, when the actual test comes…they fumble.

Like I said, I entered the bank and ordered all customers to lie on their tummies and keep their hands behind their heads. One guy got down on the floor and started telling me about the time when he met Julia Roberts and she proposed to him and all. When I asked him to shut up…he reminded me that I had only asked him to ‘lie` on his stomach. I had to then clarify my request and all customers went down to the floor and kept quite.

I then moved towards the cashier and asked him to show me the money vault. He smiled, and pointed at a big screen on the wall. It was a huge map of the Bank and somebody was blinking a message to me…it said “You are Here”.

I couldn`t believe this! I had just entered the bank and the police already knew where in the bank I stood. Having seen numerous Hollywood movies, I knew that by now, I would be in a sniper`s cross hair (that`s the cross used to aim, while using a rifle).

I had to surrender. Two years later, when in jail I would come to know that such screens are known as “You Are Here Charts” and are supposed to assist a newcomer to the premises.

I won`t reveal how many years I spent in the Jail. If you are really particular, here is a hint: when Amitabh Bachchan movie ‘Coolie` was being shot inside a jail in 1983 (remember the jahan hum khade hotein hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hai, dialogue?) I was watching it from my cell.

Now you know why this Blog is biographical. Don`t all jailbirds write biographies?

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *