Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide

Don`t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There`s one marked “Brightness” but it doesn`t work.
– Gallagher

Today (29th May), my daughter is two months old. This also means that it has been five months since my wife Rekha left me stranded in Chennai so that she can deliver the baby in her town (village, actually).

In the last five months, my only companion has been our 29 inch, gray colored Samsung. We have now become good friends.

Between 10-hours of work and 8-hours of sleep, I have been able to squeeze in 7-8 hours of television time. Speaks volumes of my ability to put my shoulder to the wheel and grind away. Some argue that it`s the comfortable bean bag I sit on.

I have been in front of a television for so long, that I even spotted two of my friends. Selva Bhoopathy rode his Yamaha across the screen when the Sun TV camera man was focusing on the accident spot and Ranjith Nair was getting down from a bus in a documentary on the crowded Chennai busses.

While on the subject of appearing on television…if I were given a choice between an orgasm and appearing on television, I would prefer the latter. After all, appearing on television depends on the program producer`s mood…while an orgasm is in my own hands.

As I was saying, I have been having 8-hour sessions in front of the television. And I have realized that watching television can be made easier if you are near your snacks (place the air-tight, snack container next to your bean bag) and the television is in a room with attached washroom (stop! You can`t place that next to your bean bag).

Thanks to my television marathons, we now even have furniture in our house. The other day I was watching popular American sitcom ‘Friends` and Joey Tribbiani blurted out: “What? You don`t own a TV? What`s all your furniture pointing out at?”

Joey had made me realize that I was living my life all ulta, so I bought new furniture and placed all of them facing the television.

One drawback of watching too much television is the loss of friends. I now have lesser friends than I had five months back (though, Rekha would translate that as ‘less money spent`).

Back in the good old days, I used to have a lot of friends because I never watched TV…instead I read a lot of books. My friends would address me as a well-read gentleman (ok, I am lying about the gentleman bit). But now, nobody addresses me as ‘well-read`. I tried to argue saying the latest headlines ticker running at the bottom qualifies as text, but my friends wouldn`t believe me.

One of my favourite television channels is the TV18 Group owned Home Shopping Network … AWAAZ. It is the only channel which attempts to solve the shopping problems of India`s helpless, stuck-at-home TV viewers like me.

On my first day with AWAAZ, I hated its salespeople. They were having multiple orgasms while I was stuck in front of the television. The next day, I realized that the programs were recorded and they were only trying to act excited and sell products like –

  • Bulwark (which would help me build Arnold-like muscles)
  • Lean Belt (which would help me get a stomach as flat as that of Sharon Stone)
  • The Ultimate Mixer (which could make a mash of anything under the sun, except the Single Rudraksha Beads the AWAAZ sold)
  • Single Rudraksha Beads (beads the AWAAZ TV CEO inherited from the Himalayan sages and which help in multiplying the wearer`s confidence ten-folds)

    Next in my list of favorites comes God Television for its rock music and Reality Television for its program called Cheaters (This is a very civilized program…I request all self-respecting individuals who has ever loved somebody, to visit their site and see what the program is all about. Pathetic!)

    My least favorite television channel is Discovery because I think it is too adult in content to be aired freely. Even now, they are showing a duck, which as Lenny Bruce says is 75% obscene!

    Funny, Funnier, Funniest

    # Sex on television
    # Getting to know sex thro` Fashion TV
    # The debate: Pre-marital sex
    # Marriage & Olympics…are the same
    # Different strokes for different folks
    # Inviting friends over to your house

  • By Jamshed V Rajan

    Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

    13 replies on “Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide”

    If you are watching Home Shopping and Rekha isnt around, the TV,i am sure,has become some part of you ( better half or quarter half..)

    There are many a channel whose viewing i would suggest. Sun TV’s news for understanding how to have the best facial expression and voice modulation to ensure the message does not reach the audience

    Aaj Tak news, a very good entertainment program, especially the news. They have forever breaking news. ” Billi bolta hai” was a breaking news some days back.

    You may also want to consider viewing the Music channels, esp sun music. Invariably each caller goes ” I have been trying to get to reach you for three years / four years / finally i got you / i am sooo excited../ i have arrived in life. I would suggest, you can watch it to understand human perserverance…

    And if you endure them all, i would like to understand the secret of your perserverance..!

    TV is man’s best friend…My sis has her pre-med exams and there is some unwritten rule in my house tht says no Tv atleast 6 mths before any exam…So no cable for me for the last 6 mths…

    I miss you my dear TV….signed Arshat.

    Watch all the TV you can now, Jammy. Once your kid discovers the wonders of cartoon network, you will never hold the remote in your hands again. Then you will really be free to do other things with them.

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