Month: July 2005

I generally like to travel by second class. To tell you the truth we travel first class only when Rekha is with me. I know, all this while I have maintained that I preferred the lively atmosphere of the 2nd class to the deafening silence in a 1st class compartment of a train. But that`s not true. Rekha doesn`t give me money for such small luxuries.

Last time I asked her she said: “Why do you spend money on unnecessary things like tickets?”

When I pointed out that the TTE didn`t consider it unnecessary, she stumped me. “Can you please tell me what you did with the ticket to Madurai you bought last time? Isn`t it useless now?”

Even as I begged, she quoted her father. It seems her father would say: “Tickets are like fire extinguishers – a waste of hard earned money….once bought never to be used…till they lose their expiry dates.” Her father`s job required that he travel a lot. She has also told me that for around three months, he had been to Saudi. Perhaps, the TTE had caught him….after all the punishment for ticket-less travel is three months.

As I was saying…and I promise I am saying it from the heart…I love traveling by second class. Today at 6.30 p.m. I will be leaving for Madurai to spend a day with my father….and I will be back with stories on the guy who lost his chappals under the berth, the guy who knocked himself down in the upper berth because he was too tall, the guy who could not sleep on the side-upper berth because he had a huge tummy, the guy who chained his suitcases to the berth… but lost his keys, the guy who bought packed chicken for dinner and spilled it on the berth, and the guy who dropped his mobile in the train loo (that`s me!).

Guys (and gals) brace up for a real second-class article!

To show-off
I know most of you men out there will agree that girl friends are a little difficult to walk with. I am not referring to their slow gait in tight trousers ..but figuratively. Not many of us actually like to walk on a busy road with a girl friend in tow? But we are forced to do that because of peer pressure. As a 24-year-old gentleman I spoke to last night put it: “Ritesh has one, Prakash has one and even that dud Sunil has one. Won`t I be considered a loser if I don`t have a girl friend?”

To increase bank balance
Rekha would agree to this. Had it not been for Rekha, I wouldn`t have had such a nice bank balance (Rs 107.56 paise) when I got married. I agree that once the marriage is fixed girls don`t contribute much …but before that they come quite handy. To pay credit cards when the bankers come chasing, to pay phone bills when the connections are cut, to pay the rent when the landlord threatens….we all need girl friends. But are these girls doing it for us? No way…instead for their own selfish needs. If the credit card is blocked…she won`t be taken to the restaurant, if the phone connection stays pulled…no late night romantic calls…and if there is no house to go back to…what about those private moments?

To feel wanted on birthdays
If I had no Rekha, I might as well have forgotten my birthdays. For the last five years she is the first person to wish me. But she is also the first person to ask for a treat…and to top it…she has even managed to make my birthday treats two-people affairs. When was the last time I had merry on my birthday evening? I don`t remember. We get birthday cards, gifts, mugs…et all. The thumb rule of birthdays spent with a girl friend is: “The total cost of the gifts will always be less than the cost of the evening dinner.” But having been used to women pampering us all our lives…we don`t mind the cost. What we mind is the settling down and having kids and naming him/her….Akaash/Arpita… so that he/she could be first in the attendance register…kind of talk. Especially on happy days like birthdays.

For emergency back-up
The thing about emergencies is…if they start happening too often they cease to be emergencies. Many a times we men need liquid cash for important things like a can of beer or a movie ticket. We need moral support because the girl we approach happened to be the daughter of the local dada. Or we need to be dropped at the railway station because we have given our bike/car for servicing. If you ask me, we men need to credit the ladies for unstinted support they provide us when we are in trouble. Elders say: Don`t trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. But in this case the trouble itself comes forward to help us.

For use as a digital diary
We men don`t have a good memory. Perhaps that is why we invest so much on our mobile phones. And perhaps, that is why we have no hassles investing in a live digital diary -a girl friend. I am sure there have been many occasions when she has alerted you at the right time. Like when you have to go to wake up and get ready for the interview. Or maybe a medical check-up…or maybe catching a train on Friday evening. A woman`s memory is a yet-to-be-tapped resource. Try it and I am sure you won`t be disappointed. Mind you…memory is a good thing only till marriage….after which good memory for the lady means Saturn-hovering-over-the-head for the gent.

Eyecandy: To add glamour to life
Who doesn`t love to have a lady nearby? I do. The formula one guys do. Sania Mirza`s supporters do. This wouldn`t have been a problem if the ladies didn`t know the secret. Now that it is out in the open we can`t do much about it. Knowing our weakness for glamour…the ladies have started presenting themselves as show pieces. So much so… last survey showed that the number of feminists in India was coming down. Ladies have realized they can get the men to do a whole lot more if they are Eyecandy.

To book tickets
Rekha has done this for me. And I am sure your girl friend has also done this for you. Be it movie, train, bus, theatre, or restaurants….they have booked at all places. Perhaps because the people picking up the phones are more accommodative to a lady`s voice. The good thing about getting your girl friend to book tickets for you is…she finds it cheap to ask for the money…hence uses her own. 😉

Everybody needs a gossip machine
Agreed we men are not gossip machines. But it doesn`t hurt to get a dose of this and that once in a while. Especially, if it is about the escapades of our girl`s pretty friend. It gives us an idea of what chance we stand. The one problem with this requirement is…the phones always run with high bills and are without charge.

As the first-level shock absorber
According to the ladies, men don`t have an eye for colours. I guess…we should start wearing more of beige and pink and peach. But then, without these ladies we would have gone out to the World looking stupid. Without them who will tell us that our zip is not up, our face has an extra dash of Cuticura talcum powder, our shirt goes well with the trouser but has a stain on the wrong hand….

The Tenth Reason
I leave this to you. After all Rekha and Rajan are not the only lady and gent in this World. But knowing the men…. I know what this tenth reason would be!

In my 30-year-old stay in India, I have hosted many foreigners. And on all occasions, I have been tempted to tell stories …ones not true but …ones that make interesting listening. Stories like those narrated to the foreigners by the pan-chewing guides at the gates of Taj Mahal. Or closer still…Mahabalipuram.

As with most things spoken about in this Blog…the tourists are also of two types. There are the tourists from US of A and tourists from the other countries. For a not-so-trained eye all would be the same. But for somebody like me…who has spent his life observing people and their backs (in this case back-packs)…there is a major difference between the two.

For the non-US guy…everything Indian is great and is to be appreciated…but for the US tourist everything Indian is to be seen and laughed at from a distance. We might have exceptions on both sides. My apologies if you don`t agree with me.

Here is a bunch of stories I told a very curious and stiff upper lip American tourist I met in Mahabalipuram. I promise I did not start the conversation…

“Hi There! I am Jack Nicklaus.”

“Hi, I am Jamshed Velayuda Rajan.”

“Nice place this Maamalapuram. Back in our country we have stone carvings…but that is on a huge mountain. We call it Mount Rushmore.”

“I have heard of it. But I don`t think Mount Rushmore is a traditional site. It doesn`t have the magnetism attachéd to Mahabalipuram.”

“What do you mean?” asked the US tourist.

“I mean, each of these stone carvings in Mahabalipuram depicts a story. But Mount Rushmore is just a mountain, where the busts of four Presidents have been carved out.”

“Are you serious? I don`t believe it.” The adamant US tourist burst out.

“Yes sire. We in India have a story behind everything we do. Unlike your country where everything is driven by logic…and hence is a boring.”

“If that is so true pray tell me why the ladies sprinkle water in front of the house everyday? I bet there is no story good enough to justify the hard work, so early in the morning.”

I had to think hard. I needed a story that would sound exciting and yet…believable by US standards.

“You won`t believe this, but hundreds of years back Indians were very peace loving people. They won`t take up arms even against their worst enemies. Because of this non-violence, there emerged another way to express displeasure. Whenever Mr X was upset or angry with Mr Y, Mr X would get up late in the night (around 1-2 a.m.) and walk up to Mr Y`s house…and piss in the front courtyard.”

“You mean piss as in urinating?” The US tourist butted in.

“Yes. The idea was to let Mr Y know that there was some displeasure over his actions. And over a period of time…everybody was pissing on everybody`s courtyard.”

“Must have been quite messy?”

“Yes. But it does feel bad to see your courtyard full piss-marks early in the morning. It is an indicator of the number of people who hate you. Eventually, the ladies in the house decided to sprinkle the whole courtyard with water first thing in the morning…more to cover-up the traces that for anything else. Thus saving some respect for the family.”

“Do you guys still go around pissing in each other`s courtyard?”

“Nope we don`t. All that was stopped the moment we took up arms. But the ladies still sprinkle water in front of their houses…early in the morning.”

“Why?”

I wanted to say, “That`s Indian tradition for you,” but could not, even as I walked away into the sunset.

Yesterday was Rekha`s birthday. Phew! Am glad it is over – was on my toes the whole day.

As part of the winding up process, I was forced to have dinner at the Wang`s Kitchen (in Velachery). Chinese has never been my cup of tea, though I have heard they serve the best tea.

An Indian opened the door for me. He was dark and had a huge mustache. He did not look Chinese to me. Since when did the Chinese start wearing tika on their forehead?

“Rekha, are we at the right restaurant?”

“Yeah, I have checked. But why do you ask?”

“Just wanted to be sure before we entered. Coz this guy doesn`t seem like a Chinese to me,” I clarified.

She nodded. In my eight months of marriage I have realized that it means she is in the snob mode.

Once inside, we saw some red danglers hanging from the roof and some red, intricately designed dragon free-falls hanging from the walls. I knew this was Oriental, thanks to my taste for Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies. Besides that, there was nothing else.

“What is so Chinese about this place?” I ask Rekha.

“Didn`t you read the name outside? Didn`t it say ‘Wang`s Kitchen – Delightfully Chinese`.”

I did not say another word and we took our table. The problem with these restaurant guys is, the moment they see Rekha and I enter they think we will want to spend the next two hours coochi-cooing in a corner. And invariably, all the guys give us a two-seater in the corner. They don`t realize that when you come out with your wife…you just want to finish your dinner and get the hell out of there.

The menu arrived. I was a little scared. I did not know Chinese…and I knew Rekha did not either. How were we going to converse? Maybe..we could point at the item on the Menu. And take our thumb to our lips, whenever we wanted water. What about napkins? How would we indicate that we wanted new plates? Spoon? …it was a crucible out there.

“Sir, what will you have?”

I looked at Rekha, “That`s not Chinese!”

Rekha pointed at the front page of the Menu and said: “Check it out here…it says ‘Wang`s Kitchen – Delightfully Chinese`.”

I looked around, and realized all the waiters from either from Kerala or Tamil Nadu. As if somebody had warned the Restaurant Administration and a Kerala-Tamil Nadu couple would be coming in to dine. I knew I was being fooled.

I turned away upset and left Rekha to deal with the impersonator. Shortly, our food arrived. I am quite a foodie, but when the whole World gangs up and tries to fool you …there is little you can eat.

If you thought I turned away some good quality Chinese food…I tell you the food they gave us could have been from any of these countries – Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Mangolia, Taiwan, Laos, Philipines, Vietnam – but not from China.

BTW, Rekha had a gala time. And that is what mattered to her.