Author: Jamshed V Rajan

ibibo`s top management (which surprisingly also includes me) was in Leh, Ladakh for five days recently.

Half of the time was spent closeted inside a conference room defining future strategies and the rest was spent in the wilderness.

On our third day, we went for picnic…outdoors food, a walk down the river bed (I forget the name of the river)…and pre and post lunch entertainment sessions.

As part of the pre-lunch entertainment, I ended up dancing like a Ladakh artist. But not before, I had collected Rs 141 from my company`s top brains – even my Chief Financial Officer gave me Rs 10! Here is the video –

In 1985 my father was posted in Akhnoor, Jammu (a border area) and thus couldn`t take his family along. Back then, I was 10 years old and was studying in the fifth standard. Every month, my father would send Rs 1500 to my mother, who would then manage the four-member family (me, my two sisters and herself) very comfortably. There never was a thing that we wanted and didn`t get.

I will be honest – there were some restriction on purchases. Big Fun (I don`t know how many of you actually went on to score runs, pick up wickets and win the prizes!) could be bought daily and Gold Spot could be bought weekly once. Éclairs chocolates were costly and hence were substituted by Parle`s orange candy. T-Series cassettes were Rs 11, and hence beyond the range – maybe that`s why even today, nobody in my family listens to music.

Today, Rekha and I end up spending Rs 1500 for a single dinner itself. Especially if it is a marriage reception and the person getting married is a Vice President in your company and thus holds the key to your success. Life today sure is costly than what it was earlier.

A week back I read in the papers that the petrol prices have gone up. But this hasn`t changed what I put in my petrol tank. I might have discovered that Gripe water costs less per liter…but haven`t started using that to fuel my car, yet.

Initially, I did worry about the increase in petrol prices but when I sat down to calculate I found out that a litre of Coke costs Rs 100, a litre of the Vim liquid Rekha uses to wash the dishes costs Rs 150 and a litre of the Rose water that my girl friend uses to wash her face before she goes to bed costs Rs 1000. So why complain?

Well…I did manage to convince myself that there was nothing to worry.

That`s when my mother called me and said that there was a 5000 square feet of land near our house which was available for Rs 20 lakhs.

“Didn`t father buy the land our house today rests on, for Rs 60,000 only?” I asked.

“Son, that was in 1995. This is 2008.”

As always, my mother was right. I didn`t continue the discussion further…though I wondered why in spite of so many farmers committing suicide and so many of their helpless wives selling lands to feed their children….the land prices were going up.

When I am depressed my only solace is the internet so I logged on to GTalk and waited for a prey to arrive. Ajay Shroff, who stays in Canada and runs a popular website called http://reelninja.com/ came online.

“So, do you also use petrol for your car, in Canada?” I asked him on chat.

“NO!”

“Lucky you. So you must be saving a lot of money?”

“Not really.”

“How come?”

“I use diesel. And its price is also related to the price of petrol, if that`s what you wanted to know.”

“Ohh…I didn`t realize. So is the cost of living high in Canada?”

“Of course yes. This is a developed country remember…everything is costly.”

“Lets compare then….how much is a coffee there?” I was keen to prove him that India was a costly place to live in.

“Hmmm…around Rs 70.”

“India wins hands down. We spend Rs 90 a cup of coffee.” I said with an air of triumph.

“Rs 90? Where do you have your coffee?

“At Barista. Or Coffee Day. And I am not even including the car parking charges.”

Ajay Shroff lost the contest…game, set and match. And India won.

Surprise Quiz: Name three products you buy knowing fully well that it is going down the drain?

Toilet paper

Condoms

A diamond ring for the lady in your life

Other Funny Reads

On why I hate this 12-month-old girl
Shopping for my baby daughter
I have arrived. At the airport
Cutting costs at home
Marriage & Olympics…

In the last 14 months, my baby daughter has taught me many lessons and I have tried to capture them in this blog post. If you have a baby of your own and think I have missed out a good lesson, please let us all know. Chances are I slept through some of the classes.

The crying baby gets the milk
If you want a corner office (Indians should read it as ‘the glass cabin`) or the small laptop that your CEO has, or the US visit that the guy in the next cubicle is going on, ask for it. “Go get it!” as Sachin Tendulkar says in the Visa advertisement. If you don`t ask for what you want…you will never get it. If at all you asked and got it, just make sure the glass cabin has good vastu – else you might end up moving away from your CEO.

When in deep shit, turn to the right person for help
My daughter taught me this valuable lesson when she was just four months old. Though not a good ‘shitter` back then (babies on breast milk don`t shit as much as adults on junk food) Rhea demonstrated that a quick wail in front of the person who had the powers to clean up your shit helped. Even when I stood next to her, she turned towards her mother and started wailing. Needless to say, the diaper would be cleaned right away. The lesson is, if you in trouble (or deep shit, as they say) let the person who could/would help, know.

Don`t walk till you can crawl fast
This is one lesson that I knew but had forgotten in my rush to keep up with the Joneses. Most girl babies start walking when all of 8 months old…but in spite of being 14 months old, my daughter still doesn`t walk on the floor. She waited till she could crawl real fast (her record is: the distance between the sofa and the center table…crossed in 7 seconds). Now that she can crawl fast, she has started to walk on the bed. I am expecting in the next one month, she would start walking on the floor too. Makes immense sense…why would you want to do something that you don`t know how and get hurt?

Eat whatever you can
If you are looking to build your health, you should learn this lesson from my daughter. She eats whatever she can lay her hands on. I know people – and some in my office itself – who crib a lot about food. Like me my baby girl also has no dislikes for Brinjal, Karela etc. What would it take for you to learn this lesson from Rhea? Besides, people who leave go out for lunch because the one being offered in office wasn`t good need to know that ‘tasty food` is a concern only till you have a choice.

Get jealous of YOUR people
My daughter besides getting jealous of her toys (when we have visitors) also gets jealous of her mother and father. I expect her to become a little more giving ‘with her toys` as she grows up but would want her to be jealous about HER people. It shows that she loves us. Don`t believe me? Ask my girl friend from Mumbai, whom I keep doubting under the pretext of jealousy!

This post is a comment exchange between a Ouchmytoe reader called Funky Pants, here. Here are the comments:

Posted by Funky Pants | June 9, 2008, 1:32 pm

It seems to me that you are heavily into stereotypes.
That, men are untidy and women are the cleaners.
That, men generally don`t care if their food touches bottom wipers (toilet paper, I mean).
That, as per stereotypes, men do not indulge in housework.
That, women hit cars from behind.
Dude, let`s not forget that the days that women stayed inside, doing housework is over. And I`m sure you know that very well.
You know, I`ve been following your blog for a long while, even though this is the first time I`m commenting. But seriously, either my taste sucks, or our sense of humour just does not match.

Posted by Jamshed V Rajan | June 9, 2008, 7:01 pm

Funky pants….would be keen to know why you keep coming back if you think our sense of humor doesn`t match? 😉

Posted by Funky Pants | June 11, 2008, 9:33 pm

Right you are man!
Why do I do that?
I don`t know, maybe when I run out of things to read, I read your blog. Or maybe, it`s good for a read because you keep your posts short.
Seriously man, that`s good. Always, always, always keep your blog posts short.
Also, you have a cute daughter!
The first time I came across you blog, you`d written about her and it was a funny read. I come back in hopes of getting another such a read.

Other Funny Reads

# Bathing a baby girl
# Is my daughter a super hero?
# Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
# Childhood & teething Issues
# The tonsuring & ear piercing ceremony

I have been thinking of buying a Flip Mino (Know more about Flip Mino here), but nobody ships them to India – including the manufacturer Pure Digital Technologies.

I am on the look out for somebody in the US of A, who trusts me and thus is willing to help me lay my hands on one Flip Mino. Just in case you didn`t know, Flip Mino is a revolutionary gadget that allows you to shoot videos, transfer them onto your desktop/laptop and share with your friends.

I want to buy a Flip Mino & a Flip tripod (Here are Amazon`s links to both the items: Flip Mino | Flip Tripod) and I need somebody in US of A to buy it for me. I can transfer the money to his/her Indian friend`s/relative`s account (don`t know if I will be able to transfer money to a foreign bank account!). Once bought, the buyer will be expected to courier it to me here. Let me know, if you can help or know somebody who can.

The total cost of these two items is $ 200 or Rs 8000 (approx).

What do you get:
I will credit & thank you personally in the first episode of the ‘Jammy`s Funny Video Show` that I am planning.

Interested? Mail me at jv.rajan@gmail.com

——–I didn’t write this———–

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What`s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

I have a doubt that I am a woman. I don`t have much proof for this – for example, I don`t get 1000+ scraps a day on Orkut and ibibo. Neither do men stare at my chest while I talk to them nor do they open the door for me and look at my ass while I leave the room….but I do have a feeling that I might be more of a woman than a man.

Everything was fine in my World, till last Sunday, when we went to Reliance Super for shopping – it was our 1762nd visit since the day it opened four months back.

We planned to buy a new dining set to replace the one gifted by three bachelor friends, on our marriage. One can only imagine how good a dinning set can three, always-in-the-debt, bachelor friends gift. Anyway, that`s a different story.

A tired man – wouldn`t you be tired if you had to choose between a 17 piece, 22 piece and a 31 piece dinning set and you only had 90 minutes on hand? Wouldn`t the expectation be taxing? That`s exactly what happened to me and I wilted. While on the border of unconsciousness and consciousness, the woman in me came out…and it stayed on for the next two days – that`s till today evening.

I couldn`t write a post while the man in me was suppressed because every time I sat down in front of my desktop, I started cleaning it.

As I was saying, after the 90 minutes in front of the dinner sets…I refused to push the shopping cart. Wasn`t that a man`s job? I even started arranging the items (eggs, aerated drinks, watermelon, toilet paper etc) inside the shopping cart. I realized that when I am a woman, I hate eggs touching the toilet paper.

There are three things men do in shopping malls – push the shopping cart, reach out for the shampoos in the top counter (husbands of tall women don`t get this privilege) and stare at other men`s girl friends. I realized I wasn`t doing any of these.

On my way back, I hit a car from behind. He slowed down, and meant to say something to me. Since his window was up…I could only lip read. This is what I could manage: “You mo_ _er _ _ _ ker, why are y_ u drivi_g l_ke a lady?”

Once inside the house, I couldn`t relax till I had arranged all the edibles inside the fridge and the other items in the kitchen cabinets.

Later in the evening, I opened a Fosters beer but didn`t like its taste. Was I not drinking beer because I would get a tummy? Or was I just behaving like a lady? I don`t know.

I told my wife that I would like to take breakfast to office on Monday. She did ask me about my sudden change of heart…but I didn`t have an explanation.
I didn`t tell her that I had this huge urge to join the ladies in my office for their 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. breakfast where everything from diaper rashes to school fees was discussed and digested.

Somehow, Saturday`s frozen pizza in the fridge seemed less appealing, and I had salad for dinner.

Around 9.30 p.m., I went to bed complaining of headache.

Note: If you are a lady, you probably understand the symptoms better – can you tell me the truth…am I turning into a woman? If yes, I would like to know your thoughts on same gender sex?

Other Funny Reads

# Is my daughter a super hero?
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# Being a celebrity is difficult…
# Why are only women used to sell products?
# Buying a pram for my daughter

————I didn`t write this————–

Boss says to secretary: For a week we will be going abroad, so make arrangements.

Secretary calls up Husband: “For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you will have to look after yourself.”

Husband makes a call to his secret lover: “My wife is going abroad for a week, so let us spend the week together.”

Secret lover calls up a small boy who attends her private tution: “I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.”

Small boy calls up his grandfather: “Grandpa, for a week I don’t have tuitions ‘coz my teacher is busy. Let us spend the week together.”

Grandpa (the 1st boss) calls up his secretary: “This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.”

Secretary makes a call to her husband: “This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.”

Husband makes a call to his secret lover: “We cannot spend this week together; my wife has canceled her trip.”

Secret lover calls the small boy whom she is tutoring: “This week we will have class as usual.”

Small boy calls up his grandfather: “Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can’t give you company.”

Grandpa calls up his secretary: “Don’t worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements.”
And it goes on…

A month back Rekha gifted her father a mobile and asked him to start using it right away. He had always depended on a landline that would stop working because of something as trivial as a neighbor`s fart (lose connections can happen when walls of the house shake!).

Rekha did mention to me that she had gifted her father a mobile phone but I didn`t pursue the case any further.

Today, when I called up my father in law, he started complaining that I wasn`t calling him up as frequently as I used to.

“But father, I did try calling you a couple of times….you weren`t home.” I tried to reason out. Why fight with somebody who holds the remote control of the person who holds your remote?

“Ohh come on. Stop lying. If I wasn`t home….why didn`t you call me on my mobile?”

“Your mobile? How stupid of me…I never asked for your mobile number. So what is it?”

“What do you mean ‘what is it`…weren`t you guys the ones to gift me the mobile? Wouldn`t you know the number?”

“Are you using the mobile that Rekha gifted you?” I inquired.

Did You Know? (instructions as given on Pacific States Telephone & Telegraph Company directory in year 1906 A.D.) How to Answer a Telephone Call Remove the hand telephone from the hook and say “Here is Main 297” (or whatever your number may be). The party calling should say “Here is main 298,” (or whatever the number may be). Much friction and annoyance will be avoided if this simple plan is carried out.

“Yes. I charge it daily and always carry it with me.” I couldn`t doubt my father in law. He never lies to me, except that one time when he said his daughter was a good girl (I think this was before our marriage).

I thought for a while. In situations like this, it is the ability of Rajans (by this I refer to all generations before me) to think like Dell Computers Call center executives that has got us out unscathed.

“Father, let us start from the beginning.”

“Sure.” I loved the cockiness in my father in law`s tone. Perhaps, I will have it on the day I control the happiness of the person I am speaking to.

“Did Rekha gift you a mobile?”

“She sure did.” If my father in law participated in one of these quiz programs on TV, I am sure he would have won the buzzer round.

“Did you accept it?”

“I sure did.”

“Did you then charge it for one whole day, as is expected of the buyer when one buys a new mobile?”

“I sure did. Though I didn`t buy it but my daughter did.”

“That`s not a problem. And have you been using it reggggguuuuulllllllarly?” I stretched a bit so that he got my impatience.

“I sure do. I carry it with me everywhere I go.” He failed to get my hint.

“Ok…have you made any calls from this mobile?” My impatience grew but I didn`t stretch any word this time because couldn`t decide on the right word.

“No son. For all my calls I use my landline. I am using this mobile only for incoming calls.”

“Ok…so are you getting incoming calls on this mobile?”

“No son…I haven`t got a single call on this mobile, yet. Is it because I didn`t give the number to anybody?”

“Yes father! Why don`t you distribute it?” How much I wish I could tell him that writing his mobile number on the toilet walls of Cochin`s bus stand could get him a lot of incoming calls.

“But I don`t have it son. Your wife never gave me the number. She just gave me the mobile and asked me to start using it.” Smart chap….when a complaint is being lodged she is ‘your wife` and when she does anything good it is ‘my daughter`.

After twenty more minutes I figured out that my father in law hadn`t got a mobile connection – and was just charging the phone daily and carrying it with him expecting incoming calls.

I didn`t tell him there was something wrong with him – instead have told him that something was wrong with the mobile. Now, a friend of mine will collect it from him, sort it out and then give it back to him after a while. The only issue: The mobile bills will come to my Malayali friend`s house and I will have to transfer the money every month. But hey, my father in law is worth it.

Other Funny Reads

# Getting my hair cut under a tree
# Now I have a ‘study` of my own…
# How to get into a conversation with a girl
# Communicating a baby`s birth to the World