Categories
Family

Guess what we bought this weekend

My great grand father used to roam around the grass lands of Tamil Nadu with his 1000+ goats and sheep – exactly like the protagonist in Paulo Coelho`s book ‘The Alchemist`. I am not making this up.

The only difference between The Alchemist`s protagonist and my great grand father was that ….my old man traveled in a huge group of his family and relatives.

Times were good…back then the air was clean and sex was dirty (did George Burns say this?). Being a roamer, my great grand father and his family would sleep in a ‘Kudil`. In Tamil ‘Kudil` is the term given to a semi-circular contraption that you carry around to live in. Since there was no pollution and the biggest threat in the grass lands were snakes…life was a breeze for my great grand father and his family.

This is how a Kudil looks:

His son (that`s my grand father) didn`t like the traveling job and decided to settle down in a then prosperous village called ‘Maangudi`. ‘Maangudi` when broken up meant ‘an abode of deers`. Though, now the village is dry and its inhabitants are suffering due to lack of rains…back then it was a lush green village.

My grand father built a 300 square feet house first. It had mud walls, and low doors. Narrow wooden poles held up the thatched roof. Most of the time was spent outside the house – both the afternoon siesta and the night sleep was on the verandah. My guess is…the 300 square meters was used only for the intimate moments – which anyway lasted only 60 seconds. After all, men have been known to pull a fast one on the women for ages. If you know what I mean.

In effect, they enjoyed the benefits of nature and never felt the need for…what Rekha and I bought this weekend.

My father, who quit farming as a youngster, took wings in 1969. He joined the Indian Army and in the 32 years of his service (can you believe that he kept a single job for 32 years? I will have at least 20 jobs in that many years!) rraveled to different parts of the country. Just that he wasn`t herding goats & sheep as he traveled.

He was given huge houses to stay in. Since I was a kid back then……I would say the houses allotted to my father were at least 20,000 square feet big…it took me half a day to crawl from one wall to another.

There always would be a garden, and a few trees in each house allotted…which meant summers were spent in the shade. When we had to stay inside the house…the Engineer in my father would come up with an idea, which was left to us to implement.

Most Sundays were spent with the family of five bundled in one cot…with a thin, wet bed sheet on top of the mosquito net railings. This ensured a cool breeze from the fan. The only problem: Being the eldest, it was my job to wet the bed sheet every half hour in a bucket of water kept beside the cot…and then spread it on the railings again. In effect, I was my family`s air conditioner from 1985 to 1990.

After my father retired, and we moved back to Madurai…I was too old to be an air conditioner and too young to buy one for my room.

There were occasional air conditioner related disappointments – a visit to a friend`s place, an A/C advertisement, an old A/C in the junk shop….anything and everything related to A/Cs was disappointing. Probably because my father didn`t believe in A/Cs. He was of the opinion that if God wanted us to have A/Cs he would have attached one on our bums.

Which good son doesn`t have his father as a role model? I too grew up hating A/Cs and people who used A/Cs. It helped that A/Cs cost a lot and back then the disposable incomes weren`t huge either – the time when Dr Manmohan Singh hadn`t opened up the Indian Economy and five figure salaries were manna from heaven.

And then I got married. Every time Rekha suggested that we buy an A/C, I would say: “Why? My great grandfathers slept in the open…let us open the bedroom`s window. Maybe even leave the door open.”

After four years of marriage my wife Rekha decided not to take it anymore. So when I repeated the above statement, last Friday, she said: “Well, in that case…go sleep with your grand fathers.”

And on Sunday, we bought a cheap LG AC.

Moral of the story: When it is the right time to buy consumer durables, grand fathers can`t do a thing.

Other Funny Reads

# Entering a new house
# Of what could have been….
# Getting locked inside somebody`s washroom
# A south Indian family in North Indian winter
# CBI arrests Joe King; detains him for questioning

When deodorants got banned

Deodorants are very important in today`s World. In fact, when the first time capsule was buried 50 feet below the ground, during the World Fair in 1937, a deodorant can was one of the items kept inside. It was expected that after traveling a long way the Aliens would take bath, spray the deo and freshen up before sitting down for a dialogue. Just in case you believed me, I am kidding.

While reading this blog post further….think of me as an 82-year-old journalist writing a news item in the year 2057 A.D.

If you are as old as I am, you probably remember the days when one could use deodorants without the fear of being arrested. Back then, parents would gift deodorants to their sons on their 18th birthdays. Or sisters would take their brothers out for shopping so that they could select a good deo for their boyfriends. Or husbands would walk up to their wives and say: ‘Hey, you smell of onions and garlic. Here use this deo!”

If you don`t remember, let this 82 year old man jog your memory. In 2025 A.D Indian doctors identified eight dangerous compounds in deodorants and recommended that its use be banned. At first the Government didn`t take notice of the scientists` findings…but when the scientists proved that consistent use of deodorants on white mice resulted in infertility, they sat up and listened.

The Government discussed it in both the Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha, where the ban found 100% support. Some traced it to the fact that our MPs raise a stink because they don`t use deos….and perhaps that`s why they didn`t oppose when the bill on banning of deos.

Some of the deodorant manufacturing companies protested, but when the CEOs were asked to use their own brand of deodorants and prove that it wasn`t harmful…they all backed out. One of them blacked out.

Thus in 2030 A.D. deodorants were banned. Life wasn`t really affected much because people moved to perfumes. But in 2033 A.D. Priyanka Gandhi, the new Prime Minister of the country, banned perfumes too. She said she didn`t like Robert Vadra using it.

Ever since that day, Indians have been living a life without deodorants and perfumes. The outside world didn`t really notice, till Pakistan & Bangladesh complained that its citizens living on its borders were being affected. The stench was so bad that some of the kids born in the border areas were born with deformities.

On April 1, 2050 A.D. Pakistan raised a stink about the issue in United Nation`s Security Council and said that the lives of its citizens were being compromised. At first, the Security Council`s members laughed thinking Pakistan`s concern about the lives of its citizens was an April Fools joke. But when Pakistan`s Foreign Minister Iqbal (some say he got the name because he only had one hair on his head) insisted on the severity of the issue, the Security Council members relented and agreed to speak to India`s fourth Prime Minister from BJP party….Rahul Gandhi.

Many Indian thinkers, in jail for using smuggled deos on their armpits as a mark of protest, wrote to Rahul asking him to revoke the ban. The scientific man that Rahul was, he asked his scientists to check if the ban on deodorants had improved the fertility amongst the Indians and the population growth was back on track.

I remember the scientists` verdict coming in after a fortnight. It said: “The ban on deo usage has improved the fertility of the Indians…but our population growth rate is still going down.”

Can you guess why? If yes, please leave a comment.

Other Must Reads

# What if I was born in 2050 A.D.?
# SPAM = Somebody`s Patience Almost Murdered
# How life style changes after heavy rains
# Wasn`t cricket supposed to be a man`s game?

A lonely, desperate man

Have you ever been desperate? If you are a lady, you probably DON`T know how it feels…but a man will understand. A man, who is short, dark and makes no sense to pretty girls will understand it better. Just in case you don`t know, I am short, dark and make no sense to girls…somebody like GB Shaw. >> See his picture

GB Shaw

Gb Shaw

Some of you might argue that GB Shaw made no sense to the girls because he was intelligent. But that`s not the point I am debating here.

Anyway, I have been home alone for the last 25 days. Rekha has been away since April 12 and my girl friend has been away on assignments ever since (how I hate working girlfriends!). Thanks to these thankless souls I have been having a lonely existence.

Here is how a desperate, lonely man`s average day goes:

6.35 a.m.:
Get up and check the phone first. See if the girl friend called you while you were asleep. Why didn`t she call? Has she found a boyfriend? Check the missed calls. What if she called late in the night and you missed it? As a last resort, check if the wife has left any missed calls. Pointless, I know. Why would a wife leave a missed call late in the night? Wouldn`t she be snoring?

7.00 a.m.:
Check mobile again. What if the girl friend called when you were in the loo reading the newspaper.

7.20 a.m.:
Debate if one has to make tea. For it means, three utensils will get soiled and will have to be washed – the pan, the sieve and the ceramic cup. Eventually one makes tea and looks at the mobile again – this time for missed calls.

8.00 a.m.:
Sit in front of the desktop and see if there are any new mails. After the gmail account, try the hotmail account and then the Yahoo account. The last mail in Yahoo account is at 12.30 a.m., which you have already seen. It is the one about ‘how to give complete pleasure to the woman in your life,` and you had already responded saying there were none to be seen around.

8.15 a.m.:
Wonder if you really have to take bath because no one will know if you didn`t. Decide to just brush your teeth – and that too because Pepsodent Mint was bought yesterday and you are keen to know how it tastes. Try eating a squeeze of Pepsodent Mint tooth paste and find out that the froth (or is it foam?) is more than that in a Close Up paste.

8.25 a.m.:
Come out of the washroom feeling happy that you didn`t have to take bath. Dry the towel outside anyway because you don`t want the neighbours to suspect that you didn`t take bath.

8.45 a.m.:
Lock the door hoping to bring along a girl (or a boy) in the evening for some company. Before you lock and turn your brain lets you know that it is not going to happen. So feel sad and depressed.

8.50 a.m.:
Sit in the car and wonder who to call during the 10 minute drive to the office. Think of girls in previous office. Wonder if the girl reportee in previous job would be married or not. Wonder if her husband would end up pick up the call? Anyway, try her number and find out that she is already talking to somebody – her boyfriend perhaps.

9.05 a.m.:
Reach the office car park. Try hard. Anybody who can be called? Decide that even a boy is fine as long as he picks up the phone. He doesn`t pick up the phone. Console self that he must be driving.

9.15 a.m. to 7.30 p.m.:
Spend the whole day thinking if you will get somebody to spend the evening with. After 5.30 p.m. decide that even a man will do. After 7.00 p.m. decide that even somebody about 45 years of age will do. At 7.30 p.m. – when you are leaving office – realize that even a plastic doll will do.

8.00 p.m.:
While opening the door, wonder if it would have been better if you were a girl. It would have been child`s play to get a boy home. A nudge here, a wink there….that is all one would have required.

8.30 p.m.:
Wonder if you can call that girl who once said she liked your funny articles on Ouchmytoe. Was she married? Did she sound as if she was married? No idea. Plan dropped because didn`t want to be confronted by an upset husband/boyfriend.

9.00 p.m.:
Nothing like a Fosters beer to give you company. Two Fosters is even better.

10.00 p.m.:
See if the porn collection you have been building over the years still looks exciting. Find out that you have outgrown your collection and need something more contemporary. Age has mellowed you down and you are treading new territory – tasteful porn.

10.15 p.m.:
Find out a site called http://www.savitabhabhi.com (Don`t click if you are in office) – realize that this will be a sure hit among the Indian audience. Especially the male audience.

11.30 p.m.:
Realize that porn is a bad thing. Decide to have dinner instead and hit the bed.

12 midnight:
Hit the bed a lonely, desperate man.

Other Funny Reads

# Hosting a dinner at home
# Now I have a ‘study` of my own…
# Losing bets
# Train-ed Romance
# When you are in love with yourself…
# The art of shaving

Ouchmytoe Recommends: Smoking Joe’s Cartoons

When I first visited his blog (or is it a she?) I read the blog title as ‘Suicide and other pancreas.` On reading it a second time, I realized it was ‘Suicide and other panaceas`.

Smokin Joe, as he likes to call himself comes up with simple cartoons, which even a cartoon can draw. Try out a sample shown below. To check out Smokin Joe`s other cartoons, click here.

Today is my 33rd happy birthday

The first birthday celebration of mine that I remember is when I was in class four and we were in Kholapur, Maharashtra. Those were the days when non-Maharashtrians could also live in Maharashtra. I remember my father taking me to a small time smuggler operating out of his house to buy me a nice pair of trousers. Apparently this man visited Singapore and brought back to India small items which he would sell at a higher price because of the novelty factor.

Back then we were living off my father`s Armyman salary so new clothes could be bought only for Diwali and birthdays. And my father, like all fathers, wanted the best for his son – a nylon trouser.

My mother on her part took us to the temple in the morning, and made halwa for breakfast.

Since cakes were costly, we would sing Happy Birthday in front of a kadai full of halwa.

Just in case you didn`t know the here is the full lyrics of the Happy Birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear ________________
Happy birthday to you

Happy long life to you, Happy long life to you
Happy long life dear _________________
Happy long life to you

May god bless you, May god bless you
May god bless dear ______________
May god bless you

Though nobody in my family knew the happy birthday song lyrics, we loved singing it together. Like this:

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Rajan
Happy birthday to you

La la la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la Rajan
La la la la la

La la la la, la la la la
La la la la Rajan
La la la la

With time the clothes my parents bought didn`t suit my taste. And they started giving me money to buy my own birthday clothes. I didn`t realize how I had snatched from them a moment of joy they loved to experience.

With time, mother lost her powers to take me to the temple. I was a grown up now and couldn`t be spotted in a temple. Mother`s halwa on the birthday morning became a mere formality and on one of the birthdays I even remember saying: “Can you just give me some toast? Halwa in the mornings somehow suffocates me.”

That day I broke her heart and stole her moment of joy. Back then, I hadn`t realized that the light in her eyes when I sat down to eat halwa on my birthday morning and she sat across me, was love and not the window`s reflection.

What goes around, comes around they say.

The last few days, I had been worried about spending my 33rd birthday all alone in Gurgaon – at least Rs 18,000 and 1800 kilometers away from people who love me.

Considering that timely calls – at 12 midnight – on one`s birthday are good enough consolation I waited for the calls last night. A call from my wife was ruled out because she was traveling by train and was reaching Madurai (where my mother stays) in the early morning.

Even as I waited for the calls, exactly at 11 p.m. last night (on the eve of my birthday) the Airtel Network conked out and there was no signal on my phone. I checked with a few of my Delhi/Gurgaon friends who were online and they confirmed the outage. At 12.40, the network came back….but my guess is that by then those that loved me had given up and gone to bed.

Since Rekha reached my home early, and my mother got busy with her grand daughter – our daughter Rhea – she also forgot to call me on my birthday.

As I said, today is my birthday and nobody who loves me is with me. Even my girl friend is in Mumbai!

Moral of the Story: Screw the moral. But do wish me.

This post was intended to leave a lump in your throat. If I didn`t succeed don`t blame me, for chances are higher that you aren`t an emotional person.

Other Funny Reads

# Celebrating my birthday in 2007
# Celebrating my birthday in 2006
# Celebrating Happy New Year 2008
# Celebrating a new house in Gurgaon
# Celebrating an Ouchmytoe reader’s birthday

Call4Free – Free Calls, SMS & Voice mails

Ibibo, the company I work for, has re-launched Call4Free.

Call4Free is a service that allows you to call, sms or leave a voice mail for your friend absolutely free. Yes! You read it right….absolutely free! To use Call4Free the only condition is that both you and your friends need to be registered members of ibibo. Sign Up Rightaway

I know you have loads of question on how Call4Free is possible, and how to go about calling for free….and that`s why I am reproducing the Call4Free FAQs as is:

What is Call for Free?

Call for Free links your phone to your ibibo account, so you can start calls – or hear from callers – all over India while keeping your existing phone number private. The service also enables you to send and receive SMSs and voicemail.

Who can call, SMS or leave voicemail for me?

Only your ibibo friends can do any of those. (Your ibibo friends are those whom you have added as friends, or whose friendship requested you have accepted, on ibibo.com.) If you don’t want to receive calls, SMSs or vociemail from a specific person, please ensure they are not on your friends’ list.

How much does it cost?

All calls, SMSs and voicemail are completely free for both sender and receiver. You start with a limit of 5 calls you can make per calendar month. Each call can last up to 2 minutes. You can add more calls by inviting new people to join Call for Free. For each person who accepts, you will get 1 extra call.

However, if you send a SMS directly from your phone you will be billed for the SMS according to the rate charged by your mobile service operator for value-added services.

Do I have to listen to advertisements?

Yes. In order to keep Call for Free completely free, ibibo will serve three forms of advertising to you when you make a call, send or receive voicemail, and receive SMSs. These are: an advertisement you can listen to; an advertisement you can see on your computer screen; and an SMS offer.

Can I choose not to receive calls or SMSs at specific times?

Sure. You can choose the ‘Not taking calls’ and/or “Not taking SMS’ option, and no one can call you or SMS while they stay on. When you’re ready to take calls and/or SMSs again, you can choose the ‘Taking calls’ and/or ‘taking SMS’ option.

Please note:
* All mobile numbers will be kept completely private! ibibo will never ever share them with anyone.
* SMS charges applicable as per operator VAS SMS rates.
* Enrolling for these services means ‘opting in’ for receiving calls and SMSs.

Join ibibo now and Call4Free

Categories
Sex

Male sex organs (U Certificate)

Male sexual organs. Yes, that`s what this post is about. You are probably thinking why you should be reading this…well here are my reasons.

You are probably a male but don`t know that and need to be told. Or you are a lady and need to be told about male sexual organs, anyway.

Male Sexual Organs

Just in case you didn’t know where to find male sexual organs

Before I sat down to write this article, I did my bit of research. I rented 13 porn movies – two of them had interesting names: ‘The Extra Testicle,` a spoof on Steven Spielberg`s science fiction movie ET , and ‘Inspect Her Gadget,` a spoof on the Hollywood movie Inspector Gadget.

I didn`t really learn much about the male sex organs from the porn movies, because most of the time the focus was on the female sex organ. When I checked with my friend he said that it could be because the target market for porn movies was a male anywhere from 13 years to 90 years old and with nothing to do. Understandable.

For those of you that don`t know the male sex organ consists of Ureter, Seminal Vesicles, Vas Deferens, Prostate Gland, Urethra, Testes & Scrotum…we expand them further:

• Ureter – The narrator (I noticed it rhymes) of the announcement of a full bladder
• Seminal Vesicles – It is the point of origin of all seamen. Wonder why they didn`t name it ‘Ship` or ‘Submarine`.
• Vas Deferens – Definitely not a French restaurant. Instead, more of a captain of the ship because its job is to push the seamen forward.
• Prostate Gland – Since women don`t even have this gland, do you really care what it actually is? (Seriously, only men have prostrate glands)
• Urethra – More like an asshole without the ass. More here
• Testes – The real test of manhood, not because it is the sperm factory but because a hit here means 18 stars (that`s how many I saw)
• Scrotum – Unfortunately not a recycle bag.

Dear women, what you don`t know and we don`t show on our faces is that we men live in fear each day. Each visit outside the house involves saving our sexual organs from leather cricket balls, table corners, lamp post, small children, swinging hands, lady`s purses, lady`s bent knee etc.

We men really don`t make a big deal about this, but it really pains. Forget childbirth pains….have you ever seen ex-India captain Sourav Ganguly writhe in pain after being hit by a cricket ball? Now, don`t you ask me where….for I won`t say “Eden Gardens”…instead say, “on the male sexual organ”.

Other Funny Reads

# Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
# Battle of the sexes: Father vs mother
# Flirting with an air hostess with a baby in hand
# How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
# Television – my new friend, philosopher & guide
# Shopping for my baby daughter

Taking revenge, the Jammy way

Somebody had said “Revenge is a dish best served cold” and they are still trying to find out who said it. Don`t believe me? Check out Wikipedia`s page on ‘revenge`.

In the 33 years of my life, I have had my share of revenges. It all began when I was in class three and somebody stole my scented erasers. In those days, relatives coming from countries like Singapore and Malaysia would hand us cylindrical, scented erasers in fancy plastic containers. The containers would be in various shapes…and mine was a pink peacock. I remember the eraser being a major hit in my class.

As luck would have it, I lost it after a few weeks. An average eight-years-old boy would have suspected the whole World if he lost his scented eraser. But not me, Sir. We Rajans know our enemies when we see them…and that`s why I zeroed in on my classmate Zafar Iqbal. He was the only suspect because my peacock shaped scented eraser had dethroned his Mickey Mouse eraser!

Back then, I didn`t know that revenge was a dish best served cold…so I decided to act the same day.

Like only CIA can do, I laid out my plans. I couldn`t steal his Mickey Mouse eraser because I would have been the prime suspect. I couldn`t cut his eraser into two because the whole class knew that I carried a Topaz blade in my geometry box. And I couldn`t draw moustache on his Mickey Mouse eraser container because I only had sketch pens which were not permanent and he would have easily washed it clean.

After days of thinking, my plan was devised. On the D-day, when Zafar was not near his geometry box, I stole the scented eraser but left the Mickey Mouse container intact. This was to give him the false impression that he still had his eraser with him.

The moment I stole the eraser, I placed it under my armpits so that it lost its scent. With time, I realized the eraser needed a bit of cello-tape if it had to stay there for long. I had to steal my class teacher`s cello tape for this.

After having his eraser in my armpit for 24 hours, I placed it back in his Mickey Mouse like container. For days after that, Zafar went around telling people that his scented rubber didn`t smell of mint as it used to. I just smiled.

I took my second revenge when I was nine years old and in class four. Coincidentally, this story also revolves around the armpit.

It was the annual sports day in our school and Himanshu Mishra had just beaten me at the 100 meters dash. I had come in second.

“Why don`t you participate in long jump…those that fail in 100 meters attempt long jump,” he said. I swear I spotted him winking when the words escaped him.

Like most of you out there, I am also a very bad loser. I start whining, and crying and plotting. That very moment, I decided to take my revenge. How…was the question.

For weeks, I didn`t know what to do and then it stuck me. One of my earlier classmates had once said that if a human being slept the whole night with onions under their armpits, he/she would get high fever the next day.

So, I walked up to Himanshu Mishra and said: “Hey, do you have trouble getting up early in the morning and studying?”

“Ohh Yeah.” Himanshu was falling for it.

“I know a trick to wake up early. But I can`t tell you.” I acted as if I was moving away from him.

“Rajan, please tell me na. We are friends after all…right?” I had Himanshu by the hook.

This is what I was waiting for. “Here take these two onions and keep them under your armpits while sleeping,” I said.

“What will happen if I do that?” He asked.

“Well, you will get up early, and thus will be able to study more.” I said it so convincingly that Himanshu grabbed both the onions and kept them in his bag.

He didn`t come to school for the next four days. Since we stayed close by, his mother asked me to deliver his leave letter to our class teacher. I just smiled.

After 25 years, I had my third revenge today. Unfortunately, it is getting de-classified (and thus will be ready for public consumption) only after 25 years. 🙂

Other Funny Reads

# My brother-in-law is a lawyer
# On why I liked to travel by second class
# Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons
# Wasn`t cricket supposed to be a man`s game?
# Much married, much harried