Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Salman Khan has been arrested. Pity, for he was one Bollywood guy who indulged in social causes. Population control for example.

Yesterday, the star was convicted of poaching endangered Indian gazelles – a crime done almost a decade ago. Unfortunately, the watchman of the guest house where Salman stayed during the ‘shoot-out` has also been sentenced to one year RI. What could the poor guy have done? When Salman Khan wanted to shoot a buck …he wanted to shoot a buck. The irony of the whole thing is the watchman would have thought he could make a ‘buck` or two helping out Salman.

Apparently the laws in India are stacked against the human beings. Take for example the Jessica Lal murder case in which all the nine accused are still happy and gay. At this rate, very soon human beings will be endangered. Honest human beings are anyway endangered. Last time I visited a zoo, I saw a sign post “Honest Human Being” and inside the cage was a Khadi clad 80-year-old man.

Salman`s nemesis has finally caught up with him. Or has the media finally caught up with him? He has always been on the wrong side of the media ever since roughing up a few journalists in 2001. The actor did try and argue in the court (not a tennis court, stupid) that he was under the impression that a stunt scene from a movie was being shot, but it didn`t hold water.

Later, he would split up with Aishwarya Rai. Back then Vivek Oberoi was the apple of Aishwarya Rai`s eyes. Last heard, the apple had rotten and the beauty queen had bought a new apple (Abhishek) and kept him in cold storage. Why are we not hearing anything about their impending marriage?

Even if we ignore the recorded conversation between Salman and Aishwarya which rocked the country (Salman went to the extent of saying he knew of the Mumbai blasts before hand), we can`t ignore his Land Cruiser trip which ended with the killing of a few poor, not-so-important people. Some argue on his behalf that he has his own ways of controlling population. A few others say by keeping his shirt on and minding his manners, he can cut down on population.

Coming back to the laws of the land…I think we need somebody as determined as Maneka Gandhi to fight for human beings and their rights

If Khivraj Motors the Maruti Car Agency I am interacting with is true to its word by today evening I will be the proud owner of a silver-colored Suzuki Swift. Don`t ask Rekha, for she would say she will be the owner.

From a rag-tag Yamaha to a four-wheeler has been quite a bumpy ride. If you have noticed, thanks to my excellent riding/driving skills…I have got a double promotion. Instead of graduating to a three-wheeler, from a two-wheeler, I have moved straight to a four-wheeler. Something equivalent to a brilliant student promoted to the fourth standard without having to go through the third.

Not all can manage this. I can say it with confidence because a friend of mine, who would come to college (The American College, Madurai) on a TVS 50 is today driving an auto. It is another thing that he had discontinued his studies and is finding it difficult to make the ends meet. This ‘making the ends meet` thing can be quite tricky. For instance, a friend of mine who couldn`t ‘make the ends meet` decided to ‘meet the end` and gave up his life.

Anyway, now I (and Rekha – I can`t miss out her name here for technical reasons) am a proud owner of a Suzuki Swift. This also means that I have the right to question Maruti on the name they chose for this car. Why Swift? Why not Suzuki Sparrow? Why not Suzuki Seagull? Why not Suzuki Eagle? Why not Suzuki Kingfisher? After all, they are also birds.

When I decided to buy a Suzuki Swift, nobody in my office had one. Unfortunately for me (as if it were a conspiracy hatched by somebody really powerful), the very next day…I saw a Silky Silver Swift in the parking lot! The same color I had booked! For a moment, I thought somebody had stolen my thunder…but later I would find out that the car didn`t belong to any of my team mates. That was a consolation.

The day I confirmed the order by depositing the down payment, a colleague and friend (who now ceases to be one), walked up to me and said: “Hey Jammy! Today I have come in my Swift.”

“What?” I shot back.

Wonder if Girisen was surprised by my tone and understood the anguish that went behind it. Even if he did, he didn`t show it. He gently asked: “What happened, you ok?”

“Yeah, I am fine. Are you saying that you bought a black Swift and you have brought it to office?”

“Indeed.”

Girisen is a good friend of mine, and I knew I would have been one of the first people he would inform. I gently prodded him: “You haven`t told everybody right?”

“Well, yesterday I treated some 30 of them for lunch. That`s all. Why do you ask?”

My world crumbled from under my feet. Standing in front of me was the guy who had stolen my thunder and I was to act happy for him. With great difficulty, I managed a smile on my face. Suddenly, I realized maybe I had a chance…what if he didn`t know to drive and was using a driver? Technically, he wouldn`t have been the first person in my team to drive to office in a Suzuki Swift.

“Did you drive it yourself?”

“Yes. I had bought it a couple of days earlier and was training for four hours in the morning and four in the evening. Now I am an expert driver.”

That meant he was well ahead of me for I needed to practice before I could drive it to office. I had to give it one last try, so asked him: “But you didn`t get a double promotion did you?”

“What is that?”

“From a bike did you straightaway graduate to a four-wheeler? Or did you spend time on a three-wheeler?”

Girisen stared at me a while and then asked me if I was fine. He also pointed out that I had been sweating profusely. When I said I was fine, he said “Chalo mate, think I chose the wrong time to share the good news with you. Catch up later.”

I don`t think he heard me ask him: “What makes a better scratch – a key or a knife?”

As usual, by afternoon I had to apologize and patch up.

I still wonder, why I was the only guy who apologized. Either women don`t know how to apologize or God forgot to give them the ‘apologize` gene!

Came across this interesting link and thought I might as well share it with you.

http://uncyclopedia.org – A satire site, which is patterned on the lines of Wikipedia.com. Especially liked their piece on Captain Obvious.

And here is something I came across in the Indian Association for the Study of Population`s website (just kidding). It is the formula to estimate India`s population at any given time –

Apparently, this formula is sometimes also referred to as ‘A Lot`.

What is life made up of? Simple: Take a lie, add the F-word and you get L.I.F.E. Cool isn`t it?

Anyway, I have arrived in life. Last evening I bought L`Oreal`s Out Of Bed Long Lasting Messed Up Effect hair gel! There did seem to be a conspiracy by the sales girl manning the Health & Glow billing counter, which almost stalled my purchase.

“Sir, the 150 ml can will cost you Rs 335,” she said.

“You either say ‘can` or you say ‘will`…it is wrong English to use both ‘can` and ‘will` at the same time,” I corrected her.

Perhaps, she was not used to people correcting her English for she looked right into my eyes and stated that she was referring to the L`Oreal can.

“Rs 335 for what I bought? Did I just buy 150 ml of gold flakes?”

“Sir, we don`t sell Gold Flakes here. To buy them, you need to visit the tea-shop across the road.”

“Very funny!”

“Honey?”

“I am not your honey,” I lashed out at the sales girl who was now giving me a confused look.

“I called you honey, honey.” It was Rekha. I thanked God.

Rekha is so protective of me (which is a difficult task considering the number of girls who swoon for me) that she doesn`t even let her split personality speak to me. The other day, I remember when Shalini surfaced (yes, that`s Rekha`s split personality) Rekha didn`t let her serve me food. Eventually, I had to sleep hungry.

“Yes, darling. Tell me.” I was now looking at Rekha.

“L`Oreal products are costly. In fact, the Black Triple Protection Color packet, which I have picked up, cost us Rs 475 and the eyeliner set us back by Rs 225.”

“So it is not a conspiracy by the sales girl to ensure I don`t reach my office with the Out of Bed messed up look?”

“No,” Rekha said. Her tone suggested I had made as much a joke of myself, as was allowed under our marriage contract. I looked at the sales girl and nodded. She immediately billed me.

Even as we walked out of the shop, I wondered at the irony….was the L`Oreal Out of Bed look gel a hot seller because it helped people get in bed? You never know.

Ok, that was a very desperate attempt at fooling everybody.

But then, somebody left a comment saying “I guess, we can expect a prank or two here at Ouchmytoe”. That kicked me into action. I now had to come up with a prank, to not disappoint the Ouchmytoe readers!

With time running out, I had to think fast. If Ouchmytoe were a BBC (which we sure will be one day) whatever I upload would have been believed. But Ouchmytoe was still a small fry in the big scheme of things. Which is why I had to bring in a bigger player – Rediff Blogs Team – into the picture.

Now that the prank is over I hope the crowd comes back. You can help me get back the crowd by posting a line in your blog that Ouchmytoe is back and it was just an April Fool`s Day prank!

We are only one day away from becoming fools. Yes, yours sincerely is referring to the All Fools Day. Being the sober Blog that it is, Ouchmytoe has lined up a list of popular pranks mainstream media has played on its readers since time immemorial. The intension of this write-up is only to alert you.

On April 1, 1957, BBC reported a sensational pasta harvest in Switzerland. The report caused major excitement in the whole of Britain. The BBC journalists, even as they concealed their smiles, managed to report that the Swiss didn`t know what to do with such a heavy harvest of pasta. More than a hundred British called up Pasta companies and asked for tips to grow pasta.
Many others who already knew that pasta was man-made began doubting their long held belief. Talking of pasta, click here to know why I hate pasta`s cousin – noodles.

If the British could do something, the Russians can do it better, only later. In 1998, the Russian newspaper Izvestia came up with the country`s first April`s Fools Day prank – Diego Maradona to play for Moscow`s soccer club ‘Spartak` was the headline. The only issue, the star footballer was already 38 years of age and it didn`t matter which club he played for. Anyway, according to the story carried Maradona was to play for the Russian club on a $6 million a year deal. This prank is very close to me because my father was also a soccer player who almost made it to the Indian team. Click Here to read about him.

Irish are to Europe what Newfees are to Canada and what Sardars are to India. With the introductions done, let me tell you about an interesting prank one of their newspapers played on their people. The headline read: “Lenin’s body to be exhibited in Disneyland in Paris”. The story claimed that the Disneyland executives were negotiating with the Russian government to purchase Lenin’s body. And if the deal went well, Lenin`s body will be kept on display at the Disneyland in Paris. Since it made little sense for the communist Russia to deal with a capitalist like Disneyland many found it difficult to believe. Click Here to read about my deal making abilities.

If you see such stories in your newspaper on April 1st…just ignore it and pay Ouchmytoe a visit!

This is old but worthwhile. In 2002, a British University decided to find the World’s funniest joke. Laugh Lab set up the rules of the scientific experiment to find out the world’s funniest joke.

After a while, the results of the study were published in The New Scientist. As a bonus, Laugh Lab was able to find out that Duck was the world`s funniest animal. Now we know why we laugh so much when Shewag makes a duck! In case you didn`t know Japan has no joke culture.

Now for the World`s funniest joke –

A couple of hunters from Bollywood are out in the forest when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”