Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Some children are not as lucky as I have been. You could blame it on their parents.

While my father and mother taught me some damn nice things, I think there are various kinds of parents out there who would teach any darn thing to their kids.

Take Girisen for example – a very good friend of mine – who learnt something unique from his father. When he takes his dog out for a walk, they both use the same tree. I know what you are thinking… Girisen has stopped doing this since he shifted to Chennai. He and his dog are yet to find a tree.

Or for that matter take Nameet`s mother. She is quite a lady. I have met and found her to be truly domesticated. When she smiled, I spotted a black hole. Curiosity got the better of me and I enquired: “You must be only 45 or something but have already started losing your teeth.”

“Ohh…I lost that at the Leather Bar while trying to open a beer bottle,” she replied emphatically.

I remember her son (and my friend) Nameet giving me a look, which meant: Don`t pursue any further.

You wouldn`t believe it but there is a grandma called Rakkamal, who lives in Madurai, Tamil Nadu. I wouldn`t have known the 65-year-old Rakkamal if I hadn`t fallen in love with Shalini Natarajan when in college. With love come the chase-her-till-she-gets-into-her-house sessions. During one such chase, Shalini whipped out a AK-47 and said: “Why are you chasing me?”

First I was surprised. It is not daily that you see a gun-wielding damsel. The last time I had seen something like this was when I went to watch Angelina Jolie starred Lara Croft and the Tomb Raider. Eventually, I managed to say: “I am in love with you.”

“There are so many of you who say this.”

“Do they? Bastards?”

“I want you to leave immediately. Yesterday was my birthday and you have no idea what my grandma gifted me.”

“My belated birthday wishes. To hell with what your grandma gifted you…I am not leaving you behind. If you didn`t know, Darr is my favorite movie.”

Shalini immediately whipped out an AK-47 and pointed it at me. All hell broke loose…I was no longer the Shah Rukh Khan of Darr. Suddenly my favorite movie was Rajan or was it Raju baan gaya Gentleman.

Thanks to Shalini`s grandma, I ever did the chase-her-till-she-gets-into-her-house session again.

If you are the man in the house, the only thing you probably cut at home is vegetable. If you are cutting vegetables, I assume you have been man enough to handover all finances to your wife. The person responsible for the financial health of the family generally does cost cutting, but here are a few tips for men to cut costs.

From tomorrow itself leave your car and/or bike at home and resort to hitchhiking. To avoid the rush hour start early. You cut down on your transportation cost.

If the office sends you on a business trip to a far-flung place, just buy a ticket, photocopy it and cancel it for reimbursement purposes. Once that is taken care of, visit the airport again to buy a plane ticket to a nearby place. Something that wont cost you much. On the day of travel, carry a small pocketknife. Mid-way through the journey announce the high jacking. As planned, ask the pilot to take you to the far-flung place where the office wanted you to go. Assuming ticket to the nearby place cost less, you would have saved considerable amount of money. Double the figure because I expect you to highjack the plane on your way back too!

Somebody living so dangerously is bound to have anxiety. With anxiety in one`s life…blood pressure can`t be far off. If high blood pressure surfaces, I suggest you don`t go to the doctor and increase your medical bills. Just take the pocketknife you used to highjack the plane and cut off one of your veins. After half a liter of blood flows out use a cheap handy plast to cover the wound. Don`t we all know our physics – the lesser the blood the lesser the pressure?

To cut down on electricity cost, wear un-ironed shirt and trousers to office…but reach early. Thus, you will have time to assemble your James Bond Hot Iron apparatus (weighing only 100 grams), plug into your monitor`s three-pin socket and start ironing.

To cut down on toilet paper costs, you can visit the loo once you are in office. This way, you will also end up spending less on water charges. Don`t be disappointed…I am not asking you to hold nature`s calls till you reach office in the morning. Here is an alternative: Drink Harpic – the toilet cleaner – in between meals, so when you piss you don`t have to flush the potty. If you think, the potty will need water even if you consume Harpic, you could try the sink. The added advantage of trying a sink is that you don`t need to keep the toilet lid down!

If even after drinking Harpic, and using the sink…you still end up spending a lot on water charges…try diluting the water you use. Might help.

You have probably read why for a long time I thought I was a lesbian. If not, read it here. It is a must read, especially if you are a man. Knowing why I call myself lesbian will double your chances of getting a date on Friday evenings. Not with me, of course.

Of late, I have this feeling that I am pregnant. You might ridicule me, but that is not going to stop me from delivering my child. What you think doesn`t matter to me because you are mere descendents of the people who nailed Jesus, who banished Lord Rama to the jungle for 14 years, and sent Buddha alone to angulimal.

I rushed to a fruit market and bought a green mango. The problem is, I was able to eat it. I even bought five more!

Indians are not going to win the Mumbai Test. If they win, well…they win. But the cricketer in me says that the English are going to square the series 1-all. To know why don`t look any further than Kumble`s 2nd innings bowling figures of 4/49 and Harbhajan`s 2/40. That definitely means the spinners are getting the assist. (Use Sify scores, for I contributed in the design and development)

Talking of the ongoing Test, I feel Sachin doesn`t deserve to be booed by the Mumbai crowd. Since the International Cricket Council has no penalty on thinking (they have for everything else), I am sure Sachin now thinks all spectators are assholes.

I wonder what came over us that we booed the World`s greatest batsman off the field. Agreed he is great no more but we still owe him our respect. Where did the cricketing spirit vanish? Aren`t we the country that sent this telegram to one of its sons residing in US of A: Regret mother passed away this morning STOP Funeral Sunday STOP Come home soon STOP India beat Pakistan by 87 runs in final STOP Sachin scores century STOP.

I wouldn`t have been such a big fan of Sachin had I not met him. Maybe because I have seen him in flesh and bones (on 5th of July 2003 and here is the article as proof) I somehow can`t think of him as a goner. Everybody can`t be a champion and if you are one you become a legend by keeping quiet about your achievements. Sachin is one such person.

Some of us with nothing to show as achievements demand bragging rights. I think it was 1996 and I was in the Indian dressing room when in walked Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid. Back then Ganguly was still in Sachin`s shadow. He started off: “I am happy to say that in the 80 One-day innings I have played, I have never scored less than 20 runs and never taken less than two wickets when asked to bowl.” I could sense Ganguly was upset with all the focus on Sachin. I replied: “I wish I could say that.”

At this Dravid, who has always been known for his wit, shot back: “Come on, Jammy, Sourav just said. What is wrong in saying?”

It was a perfect example of a ‘Jammy` backing another. In case you didn`t know Dravid is also known as Jammy.

I wonder if you remember but on two instances, Sachin was no less than cricketing God. It was the Hero Cup semi-final against South Africa in 1993. Defending 195 runs, Azhar was forced to give the ball to Sachin when the little master asked for it. And what followed was an over that saw the fall of one wicket and only run allowed…India would go on to win the match. Match Scorecard. Back then, I remember thinking that even if a gigantic spider stood in front of the stumps, Sachin would have taken his wicket by trapping him LLLLLLLBW!

The other instance that I will not forget in a hurry is the Sandstorm innings Sachin played against the Aussies on 22nd April 1998 in Sharjah and the follow up knock he came up with on the 23rd – his birthday. More Here.

Time, is a great leveller and even legends have to bite the dust someday. Perhaps that is what has happened with Sachin too. Now, he needs the BCCI to come to his rescue and soften his dropping from the one-day team. They say, Sachin has to be treated for a shoulder injury. “The Doctor has said Sachin can`t play,” the BCCI representative said at the press conference. One of the journalists sitting whispered: “And I thought the doctor didn`t watch Sachin play.”

I was born by Caesarian. You can`t usually tell, but whenever I go out of the house, I take the window.
– Steven Martin

Today, I was telling my Reporting Manager (I use the word because it sounds less sinister than ‘boss`) that I wanted to have a baby. I mean not deliver…but be the father of a baby. She immediately said: “Good, that`s the first step.”

Now I realize…for men it is just the thought that needs to enter ones brain. But for the lady it is quite different. No wonder, all married men start respecting their wives after they have a kid. Unfortunately, the wives never come to know of this because once the kid is born, they cut loose their husbands. All focus shifts to the new born. Bigger babies are no longer cared for.

I am told the gynecologists don`t give anesthesia to the expecting mothers because it delays the delivery process and increases the danger for the yet-to-be-born. A few brave husbands make it to the Delivery room. Fewer still come out of the room by themselves.

I have heard stories of women who died delivering their babies. I think every other 1970s movie hero/heroine was orphaned because his/her mother died during the delivery. I am yet to meet one man who died during his child`s birth. If you are stupid, you might ask me, “How can you meet somebody who has already died during the birth of his child?” But seriously, I have this friend called Pawan Kalyan whose father died during his birth. Apparently, he was run over by the Ambulance carrying his mother to the hospital.

I recently read an article on childbirths, in the New England Journal of Medicine. I quote it as was: It is not just the mother who goes into a state of shock after the birth of her child. As soon as the child is born, on seeing a bunch of butt slapping, white-coat wearing human beings, the child also goes into a shock. And it is so bad that the poor kid doesn`t speak for more than one-and-half years. That is why, if we can automate the delivery process so that when the baby comes out there is nobody in the room, besides the mother, the child might just say: “Hello mom!”

Those were very profound words by the researcher. When last heard the Royal College of Surgeons in England was planning to automate the process.

But why are we talking England all the time? Is it because…it was Winston Churchill who said: “There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies”?

It has been a heavy weekend for me. For fitness freaks a heavy weekend would mean lifting heavy weights at the gym. For the music types…a heavy weekend would mean hours of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Blue Cheer etc. But for me…it just means a weekend when I was not able to sleep in the afternoons.

On Friday evening itself, I had to rush to the rescue of Dimple Kapadia. Apparently, she had gained weight for the movie Being Cyrus but couldn`t reduce it after the shooting was over. I started off by saying she should have only three idlies in the morning. I would have continued had not she spoiled my appetite by asking: “After breakfast or before breakfast?” By 9.30 p.m. on Friday, I was back home for three dosas and coconut chutney, which Rekha made for me. Ok, she made the call.

On Saturday morning, Michael Jackson woke me from sleep. He was calling from Bahrain, where he is currently staying. From the lack of clarity in the line, I guess it was the ten-minute long calls that all Malayalees use to call their friends/relatives. Having finished with all small boys in California, Jackson had decided to shutdown his Neverland Valley Ranch. Some 60 odd workers who have been serving him for decades will now be left without jobs. The entertainer wanted to know if he should retain the 60 odd workers for later. I replied: “If with age your taste will drift from small boys to old men, you should keep them as back up.”

At 1 p.m. I was at my dining table (wonder why they don`t call it the lunching table?) with a 7-course meal, which Rekha had cooked, spread before me. Remember, this is a satire site. Even before I could swallow my first morsel, I got a call from Meera Jasmine, the South Indian heartthrob. She was upset that she had a small moustache growing and wanted to end her life. I reached in time to stop her from applying the Anne French hair removal cream, just below her nose. A satisfied man came back home at 7 p.m. to have the meal my wife had cooked for him – here the ‘him` is me. Now, it was truly the dining table.

On Sunday, had it not been for an SMS by the National Award winning director, Madhur Bhandarkar, I would have slept till 8 a.m.. Bhandarkar, whom I had helped with the movie Page 3, now wanted my opinion on his new movie Corporate. Or that`s what I thought till I landed in his hotel room. If you are a girl, I would suggest you don`t land up in his hotel room. This is how the conversation went:

“Jammy, save me from Bipasha Basu!”

“Why? What happened?”

“We had a premier last evening, and Bips is pretty angry. She is sobbing, in the next room.”

“Gosh, what happened? Don`t tell me you did a Preeti Jain on her?

“Not again. Wouldn`t do that. This lady is upset that before the shooting for Corporate began, I had told her she had to be in a suit throughout the movie.”

“What is so bad about it?”

“Hold on…as planned, she was in a suit…just that while signing the call sheet, she had thought it would be a swim suit.”

I was getting impatient. This is the problem with moviewalas. They always have to give a background, then the characters, and then reveal the plot.

“So what is she saying now?”

“Since morning, she has been asking me to include at least one swimming pool scene. And this is a movie on Corporate life!”

“Ask her to wear her swim suit, jump into your bath tub…and you handle the camera work using your Sony Handycam.”

That seemed to sooth Bhandarkar`s nerves. I was back in my house by 6.30 p.m.. Apparently, Madhur Bhandarkar stuck to my advice and went on to film Bips. Check it out – Click Here!

Currently there are two (or too?) many twins in our family. One of our relatives – Sandhya from Rekha`s side -gave birth to boy twins a few days back. Wonder how she is going to manage.

I know….the What-if article…”what if all men in the World were gay and all women in the world were lesbians” is still pending. Watch out!