Author: Jamshed V Rajan

The Avian flu is finally here (Read News). The endless wait is over and we can now celebrate.

The poultry owners in these two districts have noticed that some of the chicken actually crossed the road before falling dead. Ouchmytoe Times caught with one of the Poultry Owners Association representative, who didn`t want to be identified due to the sensitivities involved, and asked him: “Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?” He gave the reporter a stare, scribbled this url – http://www.whydidthechickencrosstheroad.com/ on a piece of paper and left.

Deaths of so many chickens in the neighboring state of Karnataka would not have raised any eyebrows. PETA would have straightaway attributed it to the Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in Bangalore (is it still functioning?). Talking of KFC…will the sight of a ‘Bucket of Kentucky Friend Chicken` depress a chicken so much that it will contemplate kicking the bucket?

On a serious note, a few years back, I read that the Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was a vocal critic of KFC`s way of making chickens suffer before killing them. I wanted to call her up and tell her, “Hey…you made men suffer for 20 years and now have the balls (can we say that?) to stand up for chickens?”

Coming back to the core issue here – the avian flu -be careful with what you eat. The poultry farmers have the tendency of killing birds that are most likely to die in the next few days…and birds with avian flu…are generally the ones to die in the next few days.

If we can tackle the Avian Flu and ensure the epidemic doesn`t catch on…it will surely be another feather in our cap!

Avian Flu Updates:
Thanks to Phoenix and the Indian Govt, now I know that the Avian Flue virus is rendered ineffective at low temperatures. Considering the Indian style of cooking that would be easy killing. Moral of the story: You can eat chicken, if cooked properly. You could still get Avian Flu if exposed to an affected poultry bird. If in the last few days you have been experiencing breathing problems, fever, cold and sometimes diarrhea, this would be the right time to visit a doctor.

Valentine`s Day went on well. For Rekha. The only problem is…for the next year`s Valentine`s Day I have set a certain level of expectation and will be forced to live up to it. If the rate at which Rekha`s expectations have ‘upped` over the last few years is any indication, on Valentine`s day in the year 2018, I will be building a revolving restaurant on Eiffel Tower and in 2029, I will have to speak to NASA and become the first couple in space!

Five years back, I had a choice. Use a magnifying glass and play up Rekha`s importance in my life for one day…and get treated well for one week, or celebrate the Valentine`s Day as every Tom, Dick & Harry would and forget about it the next day. Must have been one stressful time for I decided to do the former.

Let us understand this better. For the benefit of all those who have not interacted with women (because they work), here is an easy explanation –

If in April 2005 appraisal you got “Mostly Exceeds Expectations” (which is the max you can get), you have to strive to get that in April 2006 appraisal too. If you don`t it becomes your fault. It doesn`t matter that it is your boss who is rating you. Now, replace the annual appraisals with Valentine`s Day and your boss with your wife (girl friend). Fortunately, this year also I exceeded expectations.

How did we celebrate our Valentine`s Day? Simple. I told Rekha that I will be coming in late but came early and decorated the house. There are three ways to get any work done – hire somebody, get a few kids in the locality involved and tell them not to do it…and do it yourself. I choose to decorate the house myself. Not much, just some colored frills over the graffiti we have on our drawing room walls. I also played the Sagar Jaise Aakhon Wali song in a loop. That was a wise decision, for sometimes I get caught lying.

At 7.30 p.m. Rekha walked into the house with the bunch of flowers I had delivered to her in office…

“How much did these cost you?” Now, that`s what I call focus.

“Rekha, happy Valentine`s Day!” I insisted.

“Tell me. How much did you pay for this?”

“Nothing.” I said, trying to be smart.

“Nothing?” She doesn`t like to be fooled around with. Even on Valentine`s Day.

“Actually, it cost me Rs 500. The vendor said he will come home and collect it from us after delivering.”

“What? For that money…we could have gone out in the evening. And anyways, how many roses did you ask him to keep?”

“Forty.” I had surrendered by now.

“Forty? That guy has you fooled. I could count only 33 roses. Why don`t you go right away and tell him and bargain down the price. He will forget if you leave it for tomorrow.”

BTW, next year Rekha wants me to paint a mural for her.

Now you know why women live longer then men! They don`t have wives!

This post was written by Rajan last night. But is now being uploaded by Rekha because he is not good. I mean he is not keeping well. 😉

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Having started my career as a journalist with Indian Express, it is safe to assume that I would have interviewed a few celebrities. Having interviewed a few celebrities, I guess it is safe to assume that I know the issues they have been through to be where they are today. I also know the issues they face after becoming famous.

You will probably disagree with all the celebrity issues I list out but that is because you are not a celebrity and thus can`t empathize.

I wouldn`t say I am a celebrity myself. As a kid whenever somebody asked me what I would like to grow up to be, I never said “Doctor or Engineer”. Perhaps, that is why I have spent all of my 25 years (that`s a lie, I am actually 30 years old) wanting to be ‘a somebody`. The problem with wanting to be ‘a somebody` is that you are not specific and thus the chances of you hitting the bull`s eye is very less. Unless, you are standing right next to a bull.

Unlike me, a few of my childhood friends were particular (that is …they didn`t want to be ‘a somebody`) about getting into the film World. And they did. Aamir Khan, John Abraham, Bipasha Basu, Abhishek Bachchan and Lara Dutta to name a few. I know you don`t believe me. When you next meet them, just try mentioning ‘Jammy`. I would recommend you don`t mention my name to Bipasha Basu. We were a pair for a few years – think in college – after which I dumped her. She would be pretty upset with me. I am sure John Abraham reminds me of her. I am also upset with her but that is because as promised, she is yet to return all those gifts I gave her during our courtship.

I remember she so much wanted to be popular. Becoming my girl friend was one of the stunts she pulled off to be popular in college. But today, when I see her on TV…I know she wants to hide behind those dark glasses. During an interview on the Manish Malhotra show, ‘Bipu` as I call her, even confirmed that she loved the anonymity she got in countries like Iran, Saudi and Syria. These are the countries where it is compulsory to wear the burkha.

Just so we don`t be seen as biased, we will discuss at least one issue the male celebrities face. In case you didn`t know…Saif Ali Khan, another friend of mine, has now started wearing an earring. When I met him a few days back at a pub, I was surprised to see him wear a golden earring.

I asked him: “Never knew you liked Gold…and that too in the form of an earring.”

“Does it look good?” Saif asked.

“Sure does. But since when have you been wearing the earring?”

“Ever since my girl-friend Rosa found out an earring in our bed!”

I told you…these celebrities have their own issues. Well, some of them are the family driver`s issues!

Mondays are a big bore. I am sure, all those IT guys out there agree.

Not so long ago, I used to look forward to rushing to office on Mondays. Guess, priorities change with time. Talking of time, ever wondered why the third hand of a watch is actually called a seconds hand?

Anyways, on a serious note…I hate Mondays. And I am not alone – everybody I have had a chance to discuss ‘Monday Madness` has conveyed his/her hatred. If everybody hates it so much, why don`t we declare Monday a holiday? I suggested this to my boss and like always she rubbished my plan saying, “Then, everybody will start hating Tuesdays!” Sad but true.

If there is something I hate as much as Mondays – it has to be gossip. Here is a true incident, which happened in our cafeteria as I nibbled at my Dosa, one Monday morning. In the table next to me two lady colleagues of mine were having breakfast. They were discussing about me…not knowing that I was sitting right behind them.

“Rajan told me that you told him the secret I had asked you not to tell him,” Shalini said.

Rupa was pretty upset with Shalini`s accusation. “You won`t believe it but I had asked him not to tell you that I had told him the secret,” she said.

I was just getting the hang of things, when Shalini confused me further by telling Rupa this – “Oh my God! Don`t tell Rajan that I told you that he told me the secret.”

Wonder if it is only the ladies who gossip. I am sure there are some men out there who enjoy doing the same.

I have a husband-wife theory called: “Talk The Walk”. According to this theory, every woman who loves gossip gets married to a man who hates it. Thus, while she is talking…the husband is walking. Hence the unlikely name: “Talk The Walk”.

Some habitual gossipers will go to any extent to create gossip. A lady friend of mine – unfortunately, I only have examples of lady gossipers – is a great gossiper. She is so hooked on to it that she gossips even when there is nobody to listen. How does she do that? Simple: She would write down the news, where others can read.

On one such occasion, with nothing much to gossip about…she wrote this on the wall of the ladies toilet of a Club Rekha and I frequent: “Rekha`s husband dotes on her so much, that he follows her everywhere she goes.”

The next day, the janitor found a “Nope. I don`t follow her everywhere she goes” written just below that. I promise, it wasn`t me!