Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

Categories
Uncategorized

Traveling makes one intelligent

Apparently, traveling makes one intelligent and broad-minded.

Am not so sure, coz I traveled the whole of last weekend and my spectacles fits me just fine. From puking eight times between 12 midnight and 6.30 a.m. to traveling to Madurai in a 3rd AC with loud pack of Gujaratis, to picking up a fight with an auto-rickshaw guy for 10 bucks, to traveling in a rickety bus for three hours, to watching a 1980s Vijaykanth movie during a bumpy ride, to getting my uncle`s car grounded, to eating half a kilogram of pongal…I did everything this weekend.

One of Rekha`s relatives had once asked me, “So what is the right time to travel to Madurai?”

I said: “The best time to travel to Madurai is between age 18 to 34. Any travel before or after could be tiring.”

Somehow, age has not stopped my in-laws from traveling to Chennai. They will be here for the long Republic Day weekend. Am glad. If they had come during the Independence Day holidays…it would have been real irony. Imagine me losing my independence on Independence day?

Incidentally, travel works both ways. When you travel, you can inconvenience the stationary objects (relatives staying in the city you are traveling to) or somebody traveling with you can inconvenience you. Especially, if you were traveling with your bitter half…oops…better half.

Take for example, this incident that happened in Matthuthavanai (the biggest Bus stand in Madurai). I asked a bus driver, “Will your Bus No. 12B take me to Reserve Line bus stop?”

The driver gave an emphatic reply: “No sir, this bus can`t take you to the Reserve Line Bus stop.”

As has been happening ever since we got married, Rekha was watching all this from the sidelines. The driver hadn`t even finished, when she stepped forward and asked the driver: “Will it take me?”

During my travel, I also happened to visit Sivakasi – the land of matchboxes and fireworks. Like all cities, this too has a urban legend, narrated to me by a 24-year-old cousin. As all urban legends, this happened two years ago. A rich fireworks factory owner had decided to take Viagra when his wife left India to be with her kids for summer. Apparently, most rich kids from small towns now head for the US and refuse to take up their ancestral business. Anyways, coming back to the Viagra story…this rich factory owner tried taking Viagra but the capsule got stuck in his throat. Legend has it that the next day he got up with a really stiff neck.

We were back on the Chennai soil on Monday morning. Even as I unlocked our house…I realized…I hadn`t been complimented by anybody during this trip to Madurai and Sivakasi. In comparison, the Keralites (my wife`s relatives) had given me a compliment the last time we went visiting. I remember they calling me a PERFECT idiot!

My article is on Rediff!

I have finally managed to get a story of mine on Rediff. It is on how to shop smart…esp with your wife around. Thanks to the Editor it sounds a lot better now! Read More

Categories
Uncategorized

Disability – an excuse

In the name of humour, we will now learn to respect and appreciate the capabilities of the disabled.

I wouldn`t have written this piece had it not been for this stupid guy in my office who parks in the handicap-parking slot. I tried to argue with him…but he just wouldn`t listen. Eventually, he agreed that he has a handicap…if stupidity could be one.

I asked him: “Do you ever participate in the Special Olympics?”

“What is that?”

“It is a special Olympics to recognize the capabilities of the disabled…like you.”

“Wow…can I also go there?” He seemed pretty excited.

“Yes mate. You can participate. In fact…Kho-Kho for the disabled will be held on 14 & 15 Jan, 2006 at Patna, Bihar. This could be a selection event for the 2007 Special Olympics to be held in China.” More Here

I started walking even before I finished…and I wondered if outside of the stadium, I would find one parking slot marked “For non-handicaps only”.

This had happened to me once in school. We had a blind classmate who was good in music. At the annual day celebration, he won the first prize – a cheese grater. Not knowing what it actually was…he started reading it. He thought it was a storybook in Braille. He never realized and we never told him but even to this day…he thinks the story shouldn`t have ended the way it did.

This friend used to wear dark glasses. I wondered…why glasses? If there is a reason, why don`t the deaf wear something on their ears? Talking of ears…did you know Mike Tyson was once named Sportsman of the Ear?

Only half the disable men (and women) in this World have a reason to be disabled. The rest acquire disability. Take for example…the former Philippine First Lady (and World’s best-known shoe collector) Imelda Marcos. What if she were to be amputated? What would happen to all her shoes? Will she have a yard sale or something? Or will she prefer the e-bay?

Thirty year olds

This post is in a form of a mail and is dedicated (and addressed) to a regular reader called ‘Wrongone`, who turned thirty on 6th Jan, 2006 but was disappointed when he had nothing to read on this Blog on his big day.

Here is a comment he left on this blog…

Complaint: I turned 30 today, which means I have lived half my life. Obviously it is a sad feeling. I thought I will get to read a good post here which will lift my spirits. But nothing 🙁

Dear Wrongone,

My apologies. I was caught up with work and couldn`t write for the whole of last week. But I am going to make up for it by dedicating this post to you.

Thirty is a nice age; to stop looking at girls. If your eye-specialist has his way you will soon start wearing glasses. Or if you already wear contacts, you will start thinking of them as a hassle and shift to glasses. The problem with glasses is…when you wear them, girls don`t see you….and when you don`t wear them…you can`t see the girls.

You probably think that eating carrots will help you ignore glasses. Not possible. Agreed, we have all never seen a rabbit wearing glasses…but believe me eating carrot daily can`t improve one`s eye-sight (I am no Doctor!).

The ‘girls` problem is not much of an issue if you are already married. But if you are not…but are above 30, I wouldn`t suggest you go on a honeymoon. Try to spend quality time at home with your wife. For I know a 35-year old friend of mine who went on a weeklong honeymoon.

“So, how was it?” I remember asking him.

“We had physical contact nearly all week!”

“Wow man!” I faintly remember becoming jealous.

“I mean…we nearly had physical contact on Monday, then nearly had physical contact on Tuesday, then nearly had physical contact on Wednesday…went on till Saturday and then we came back home.” I didn`t have the heart to wish him good times, and just walked away.

The moral of the story is, at age 30+, there is very little physical contact in a man`s life. Ask Shoba De…and she is bound to say that men deserve the ill-treatment.
But I ask why should a 30+ guy`s sex life get restricted to seeing and thinking?

There are some exceptions too. For I have an 86-year-old uncle who wanted to marry a 21-year-old Tamil model. After we persisted, he decided to take our family doctor`s advice before tying the knot.

I was also there in the room when the doctor advised my uncle, “Dear grandpa…I would suggest you don`t get married to the 21-year old girl.”

“Why?”

“Physical contact with a 21-year-old could be fatal.” The doctor was trying to be as polite to my uncle as possible. After all, he wanted his fee.

My uncle just shrugged his shoulders and said something that pulled the rug off my feet. He said: “If she dies…she dies. Can`t help it.”

Dear wrongone…not everybody gets as lucky as my 86-year old uncle. Your 30th birthday is also beginning of the stage in life where when one door closes…another slams on your face.

Soon enough, you would have so much experience as baggage that you would be the perfect example of pessimism. After all, aren`t pessimists well-informed optimists?

On a serious note…I am just making this up.

Life doesn`t suck unless you are at least 60 years old (and that gives you 30 more years). It is only after you are 60 that your grand children develop an attachment for you…and in all probability stick it to your mouth so you can`t speak!

One simple doubt: If I have to order Marijuana by phone…do I press the ‘hash` key?

Why Microsoft?

[OK…this one is stupid…but does make sense!]

Ever wondered why Bill Gates named his corporation Microsoft? It goes against the naming convention. What kind of entrepreneur wants his firm to be associated with words like ‘Micro’ or ‘soft’? Should not he have chosen words like ‘Macro’ and ‘Hard’. If he had, the biggest Technology Company today would have been called ‘Macrohard`.

Naming has not been the best of strengths of the Gates family. They named him ‘Bill’. Bill for what? Did his parents consider him the bill God sent them for all their sins? I don’t think so…he is the kind every parent would aspire for.

Did Bill Gates` parents call him ‘Check Gates’ in pubs…because it is not cool to ask for a ‘Bill` in a pub…instead you ask for the ‘check’.

Let us assume that Bill Gates parents called him ‘Check Gates’ at times. How did they ask him to check the gates of their palatial house? Probably, his father would shout: “Check Gates, please check the gates?”

Funny? No? Continue…

We can’t blame Bill Gates’ parents for their second name for I am sure it has been in use for generations. But we sure can make fun of it. What if the Bill Gates ancestor who chose the name ‘Gates’ didn’t have a house with two gates? He would have probably looked at his window and said: “Hey, let us make ‘Windows’ our second name!”

If that had happened, we would have addressed Bill Gates of today as Mr Bill Windows. In that case…when his parents took him to a pub…would they have called him Check Windows? And in that case, would Mr Bill Windows have named his Operating System, ‘Gates`?

Hope…I don`t get a legal notice from Microsoft, saying ‘Check Mate!’

December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006

It was the 31st of Dec 2005 – last day of the year. After celebrating five dawn-of-new-years (four during courtship and one after marriage) inside homes…we finally ventured out yesterday. I agree, it was fun.

Dawn-of-the-new-year are occasions for people to do something special. Or a few like Rekha and I, it is an occasion to be seen doing something special. At 9 pm, both were at Hotel Savera – a not so up-market hotel…but just right for a cost conscious couple wanting to try their hand at the dance floor. Ok…feet, at the dance floor.

The event was called ‘Non-Stop Naach Nite’ and the ticket set us back by Rs 1699/-. We were to get four half-beers and two dinners as part of the package…and of course the dance floor for five hours.

As expected there was quite a crowd. For all we know…Robert Browning, the guy who authored Pied Piper of Hamelin, could have been inspired by such a gathering. At this event there were all kinds of people, like how Robert Browning explains in his poem…

Out of the houses the rats came tumbling.
Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,
Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,
Grave old plodders, gay young friskers,
Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins,
Cocking tails and pricking whiskers,
Families by tens and dozens,
Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives —
Followed the Piper for their lives.

*For easy comprehension, please replace ‘rats` with ‘humans`

There were eight of us but we won`t talk of them here as they might take offence. I can call them up and check if I can write about them, but they are likely to ignore me after how Rekha and I danced last night.

It was a wild party…until Rekha and I stepped on the dance floor and tamed it.

At nine, we entered the hall. The first stop, needless to say, was the beer joint. Since, Rekha doesn`t drink she wasted my beer coupon for a Pepsi. I am yet to get the equation right…. how can a bottle of beer equal a bottle of Pepsi?

Once inhibitions were drowned in spirits…we were ready to step onto the dance floor. Well, I have to be honest here, I had stepped on the dance floor earlier – when I went to buy cigarettes.

The Kajrare Kajrare song from Bubli and Bunty was playing…and we couldn`t have chosen a better time to start dancing. Rekha and I have never danced together…am glad. Both of us swayed our hands like windmills caught in a storm…we even managed to step on each other`s shoes. With each song we gathered speed and when Dus Bahane Karke from the Abhishek Bachchan movie Dus hit the walls…we were uncontrollable. We were generating so much breeze that the Savera Hotel management decided to switch off the AC. One gentleman dancing next to us did comment that our dance was cool. Wonder if he was referring to the breeze …

Dinner was good too. Since there was a huge queue at the starting point…we decided to start from the ending point – the desserts. Try it next time. Just don`t tell your wife that it was not a great idea…

On our way back, we did encounter some Formula One racers and World Rally Championship riders. The road looked like a racetrack…except for the track marshals…and at 2 a.m. on 1st Jan, 2006, we managed to race back home.

“Happy New Year,” I softly whispered into Rekha`s ears as we entered the house.

“You didn`t switch off the drawing room tube-light when you locked!” She was angry. New year or no new year….some things just don`t change.

Categories
Uncategorized

Our visit to the gynecologist

The fun things in life even out after marriage. Perhaps it is the commitment. Some call it baggage.

Last evening…Rekha and I visited a gynecologist. It was quite an experience.

She has been asking me to take her to a gynecologist for a month. I was postponing the meeting…perhaps because I couldn`t find a male gynecologist in the whole of Chennai. I wouldn`t have really minded a lady gynecologist…but one of my married friends scared me by saying they also take semen samples.

A visit to the gynecologist is one of those things where the lady takes the lead. I felt I was walking right into a marriage. Didn`t Rekha take the lead at all marriages too? Clad in her pattu saree with jasmine flowers adorning her dyed hair, jewelry decorating her long but old neck. As in marriage, here also I walked behind Rekha.

The receptionist was a lady and I can swear she gave me a smirk. Rekha says it was my imagination. Though my wife had fixed the appointment at 8 pm, we had to wait till 8.30 pm before we saw the gynecologist.

The waiting period was most fun. The room was filled with wanting to be pregnant women and pregnant women. Everybody was asking the other questions like – “So, how many months?”, “When is it due?”, “Is the child healthy?”.

Thanks to my eagerness to mingle with the ladies (to impress Rekha, of course)…I almost landed in trouble. I ended up asking a 7-month pregnant lady: “So who is the father?”. I suggest, if you are a small man like me…never ask such questions. It could land you in trouble especially if the lady`s husband is like a testosterone-driven hulk I encountered last night.

Some of the ladies had a baby on their bosom and another in their stomach (not medically, of course). Wonder why the hurry…I have heard of film-makers hurrying their releases…but even parents? Talking of movies…can we do a ‘releasing at the theatre near you` on the babies too? Releasing at an operating theatre near you….

The men were a busy lot too….exchanging cards, for they knew they would be encountering each other for the next nine months or so. A few men were heard whispering about a sob-and-let-it-out club called ‘The Expectant Fathers Group` near the Central Railway station.

Even as we entered, the gynecologist gave me a look. I knew she wanted to say: “Is this guy your husband? No wonder…you had to meet to me!” Rekha says the gynecologist gave no such look and it was all my imagination.

The gynecologist spoke to us for five minutes and said that both of us were stressed out. I couldn`t ask the gynecologist but ask you: You marry off two totally different people and ask them to make compromises and then ask them not to be stressed out? Not fair.

As for why we went to the gynecologist… I just wanted to check if I needed to change my glasses.

What happens when the World gets quirkier?

Simple. You get to read Quirky News.

Postmen taught dog psychology
German postmen are being dog-trained. Not the throw-the-bone-and-ask-to-go-fetch kind…but the kind which will help them reduce the number of dog bites while on duty. After being taught how dogs think, postmen (and postwomen) have reported lesser dog bites. In India, it is not a must to be a postman to be bitten by a dog.

Woman walks to hospital with bullet in head
Trust Rio de Janeiro (in Brazil) to do this to you when you are peacefully watching TV on Christmas eve. A 60-year old lady was doing what we all do day-in-and-day-out when a bullet hit her near her left ear. She didn`t call the ambulance but walked to the hospital to get admitted.

Einstein’s theory of boarding aeroplanes
What is the most efficient way for passengers to board an aeroplane? I wouldn`t know because my recent-memory cells die the moment I gain altitude. Why do you think I am not doing that well professionally. A recent study has suggested that the time honoured method of boarding by seat numbers is a waste of time. The researcher has suggested that all airlines follow the example of low-cost carriers who let passengers sit where they like.

Art expert fooled by chimp’s painting
I am not surprised at all. Those that know well practice. Those that know little become critics…and those that know nothing become admirers.

Site of the Day: http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com/
[This website’s home page is made up of 10,000 tiny advert boxes…and the owner (a 20 something student) has become a millionaire in just four months]