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Today at office one gentleman yawned during a meeting. But he yawned with his mouth closed – a sign of good manners you would say. But is it actually good manners?

I wouldn`t mind if Aishwarya Rai or Vidya Balan (of Parineeta) tried to stifle a yawn…they would look pretty doing it. But have you ever seen a 45-year old man with beer cheeks hanging on two sides and a dumb-bell shaped moustache stifle a yawn? You would call it ugly.

Now, before you start yawning…let me be good mannered and start making sense.

Sometimes manners don`t get you anywhere. Like for example…that day in the bus when I said “Excuse me!” many times yet was caught in the middle when my bus stop came. I think it was when I shouted, “I am about to puke” that they made way. The moral is: When manners don`t get you anywhere, try getting dirty. Perhaps this is why some of the manners are also dirty. Ever seen a man (or woman) who has just blown into his (her) hanky? The next instant he/she tends to look into the hanky to see what they have just let out.

Sometimes good manners can be dirty but mind you bad manners kill people. I have this friend who works as a Chemistry lab assistant in a College. He has lost many friends because of one of his bad manner – he would fart in the open. These friends of his didn`t leave him because of his farts….but died when exposed to the fumes.

When I was in Canada (I had to bring this up because it has been a while since I have bragged about this trip), somebody once told me that the British always lied and the Americans always said the truth. I never believed it. Today, that I am a good-mannered gentleman…I understand that this Canadian guy was right. The Britishers lie to be polite (For eg saying “That`s a nice dress you are wearing” even if the dress is bad) while the Americans consider it a good manner to tell the truth.

I wonder what excuse do we Indians have…why do we lie? Maybe we have always believed in the adage “Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Many a times, I have wondered…does it make sense for me alone to be good mannered when Tom, Dick and Harry around me is bad mannered? Do I just smile at the bad mannered person and carry on? After all it takes only 113 muscles to give out a smile. Or do I pull the trigger….for when I googled, I found out that it takes only 4 muscles to pull the trigger!

Life is a bitch, and my beloved papa embraces death.

But when was life fair? Had it been…wouldn`t Elvis be roaming the streets of Los Angeles and Abraham Lincoln the lanes of Manhattan? By the way, did you know that Lincoln was assassinated in a theatre called Ford when he and his wife were watching a play? It seems when Lincoln`s wife came out of the theatre and she was asked how she felt, she said: “The play`s direction could have been a little better…and they need to improve the lighting.” No, just kidding.

Somebody once said life was like a dog-sled. You need to be the leader dog…otherwise you spend the rest of your life staring at the leader-dog`s ass. True advice indeed.

Talking of advice, I now feel vulnerable. It feels like a matador who has lost his red cloth and is standing exposed to a raging bull. Wish my father were around. He always said life was God`s greatest gift to man. And whenever I complained that life was hard, he would ask: “Compared to what?” I never had a satisfactory answer…but I did remember once replying: “compared to just being a student.”

In an age where most individuals (read Homer Simpson) spend their lives latching on to two phrases – “good idea boss,” “it was like that when I got here” – my father was different. He stood his ground. Well….at least when my mother wasn`t around. I wouldn`t blame him for losing his ground in front of my mother. Most great men lose theirs when in front of their wives. Take me for instance. Didn`t a great poet once say:

Blame me not, for few have held sway,
When pretty girls have come their way.

(And that lame poet is none other yours sincerely)

My father also always said that one needed to believe in something or somebody – the way he believed in me. Pity, I resisted his love till two years back. But now….I believe. I believe I need another drink….

My father`s success formula was ‘rise early, work late and strike oil`. He had come up with it when he all of 14 years – like Dirubhai Ambani of the Reliance fame.

I know a few friends of mine who were impatient and could not wait for success. They went ahead with their life. Surprisingly, they are doing fine in life. That is if you can call working with Infosys, Oracle and PeopleSoft as success.

One of these friends got a job in PeopleSoft because he married the daughter of a top Director in PeopleSoft.

I guess, when our elders said “Behind every successful man stands a woman” they were very right. What they forgot to add was: “Behind every woman stands her ex-boy friend”. My friend now has job with PeopleSoft but his wife is with her ex-boyfriend. What would you call that?

We all know Bill Gates is successful. But thanks to his success he worries about everything in the World (even a political fall out in China upsets him). The only thing he doesn`t worry about is money. We all have an option: Be successful and worry about a thousand things…or be not successful and worry only about money.

Once you have decided you can go ahead and chase success or run away from it.

An American scholar did suggest a plan to turn all the people in the World into success stories. He proposed: “The day we get rid of the concept called losing everybody will start winning. Thus everybody will be successful.” The plan did not take off because the scholar was assassinated a few days after. He was found with six bullets in his head. The police suspect a passionate loser to be behind the killing.

Like I said…if at first you don`t succeed…. check if the bullet is in the chamber and try again. You will succeed!

Work is important. Especially when ones spouse is not at home. It keeps ones mind from idling. After all idling is costly…haven`t the fuel prices shot up recently?

Rekha`s absence has seen a sudden surge in my official out-put. Even the Admin guys complained that they had to work late to shred all the crap I had generated.

By the way, did you know that the longer somebody`s designation…the less important his job? As a “Consultant” – my designation is just right. I could have got a still smaller one but the HR said “Con” was not a designation they appreciated.

Though I am a consultant today…this is not what I wanted to be. Even as a child I wanted to teach Math in school. During my interview at Kendriya Vidhyalaya, Madurai…I told the Principal (who was interviewing me) that I was ready to give my 110%. They rejected me. Since it was for a Math teacher`s post…they expected me to know that percentage was always 100 or below.

With the math teacher option ruled out, I decided to become an orator. It is another thing that I did not become one. Even at school I had been a good orator. So much so, the teachers facilitating the Debating Club suggested that since I had nothing to achieve in oratory, I join the Mime Club.

With both my favorite vocations ruled out…I remember spending time looking for opportunities. One particular advertisement caught my eye. It said:
Urgent Requirement: Wanted a good mind reader, Salary negotiable. I would have got it…but in the place provided for communication address the advertiser had just mentioned: “If you are a good mind reader, find out my address.”

Before I landed plush jobs…I had once worked for a hearing aid manufacturer. My job was to walk the streets, visit houses and sell hearing aids. The only problem was…my most prospective customers never answered their doors. I left the job because I could not reach my monthly target.

Those were difficult days. People all around me were making a living donating to sperm banks. My good friend Vijay Kumar still says that in the one year he was jobless, he let go of at least Rs 10,000 through his hands.

Right now, I have a job….and am not complaining.

Like somebody once said…don`t worry if you have to work late tonight…for you are lucky that you have a job! Get professional!

Life is a bitch if your wife of one year leaves you alone for a week and goes town hopping. Especially, if you have mouth-sores and find eating out difficult.

Now it is 11 p.m. and Rekha has just sent a message: “Watching Anniyan. Thinking of you. I love you so much.”

I reply: “Yeah, I also love myself so much.”

She called me an egotist and refused to pick up the phone when I called to patch up. Either she was upset or the movie was too good to be interrupted.

Good, my wife has finally realized the truth. I wonder why it took her so long to understand that I love myself. Chances are, she did not notice all those love bites on my mirror image.

I don`t want to be bragging here, but I think if only I were a little more modest…I would be the perfect human being that ever walked this Earth. I just need to be a little more modest…that is all.

I found out that I was perfect the day I played a Lawyer`s role in a school play. After I got off the stage, the audience went loud, crazy and unruly. I had to get back on the stage and request them to be calm. At this juncture, one of my classmates walked up to me and said: “You were amazing. I don`t have words to describe you.”

I said: “Try harder.”

He didn`t yield to my prompt and we spent the next ten minutes discussing the last few days of my schooling and what my future plans were. When I got bored I told him: “Enough of me….let us now talk about you.”

I could see he was happy.

“What do YOU think of me?” I asked him…but he stared right through me and went on his way.

If you don`t love yourself…I pity you. I wonder if you will ever be able to love anybody from the bottom of your heart.

A friend of mine has fallen in love with himself and is looking forward to a life-long romance. As if that was not enough, another friend wants to die in his own arms. Now, what do you call that?

A friend of mine went to a bar for the first time and realized that Kingfisher beer was a good gift from God (Vijay Mallaya is no God. I insist.). He quit his day job at Infosys and joined Kingfisher Breweries. Believe me?

I don`t care if you don`t believe me. I have Nelson Mandela, the apartheid hero, who would stand testimony. He spent close to 30 years in jail and had no troubles there…he wrote books, watched TV, had beer…watched sport. Just about anything he could do. Two years out of the jail and he and his wife decided to divorce. Now, what do you call that?

I know it sounds kind of kinky, but soon all kinds of meat will be made in labs. Don`t believe me? Read this The Sun Online article.

It could be years before the lab-meat gets supplied to our homes….but the news has shocked me. So many things that I love today will no longer exist after the lab meat is readily available. In fact, the whole practice of meat eating will change.

Right at the outset, vegetarians will have no excuse but to turn non-vegetarian. The age-old excuse that they can`t kill an animal to fill their stomach will no longer hold good. After all…it would be cultured meat.

The long queue that we see in front of the chicken, mutton & fish stalls on Sunday mornings will slowly dwindle away. Instead, on all Sundays there will be a long queue in front of all meat-rearing laboratories. The labs being seats of high technology…you might even be able to order over the Internet.

Meat would be available in flavors …to go with your desserts. You might evenbe able to match it with your ice-cream. Perhaps Strawberry flavored chicken or Rum flavored veal. Not to mention the Pista flavored fish.

I guess it would render the poultry-folks and fishermen (and women) jobless. Nobody would rear hens, cocks, goats, pig, cow for meat. Cows will still be found in households in villages….for their milk and sacred cow dung…but hens, cocks and goats might become extinct. As for the pigs….garbage in and around the city will ensure their survival.

The pigs brought up in garbage dumps will be black. At least, I haven`t seen a white pig in a garbage dump. This rules out a sequel to the sequel called Babe – a Pig in the city because there will be no white pig to act. Without hens and cocks…sequel to the movie Chicken Run will also not be possible.

Leaving the movies aside let us get back to real action – labs selling meat. The white coats of the scientists will now acquire a new meaning …and color… blood red. You could walk up to any scientist and ask: “Do you guys sell meat? If yes, I would like to book two kilograms for this Sunday.”

But then, there is a small problem. You will not be able to order your favorite pieces – lively liver, thunder thighs etc. You will only get protein-rich slabs. If you haven`t yet realized, this also means the end of the famed Indian Briyani. What`s a Biriyani without a leg piece? What`s a bathroom without a towel?

Thanks to the cultured meat we will neither have bird flu nor mad cow disease. But we will continue to have PMS!

I don`t know how your workplace is. Mine have always been fun. Wonder if it is a reflection of me as a person (is this correct English?).

You won`t believe me but one of my colleagues comes to office naked. Now…nobody steals his chair. Sometimes he comes drunk, sometimes without deodorant but nobody complains…they are all too upset over him coming naked. Even at lunch he doesn`t need to spend money. He says: “Oops, left my wallet in my trousers.”

There are many who have a post-lunch siesta. Funny it may seem, but it is true…especially in technology companies where late hours are common. The problem is when you interrupt them mid-way they don`t accept that they were sleeping. Over the years they have practiced reciting sleepy statements like: “Just taking a power nap taught at the Management course” or “God bless all, Amen!”.

I have always believed that we go to workplaces to earn money. There is no loyalty. I mean…if somebody needed loyalty…they better get a Dog. Why me. On second thoughts …am I a dog?

But seriously, all workplaces have their issues…and thus it makes sense to work in a company that compensates you better for all the shit you need to take.

Especially after the IT boom, offices have become chaotic. Employees` get into trouble and employees get out…and those that don`t worry when they get into trouble probably already have a scapegoat in mind. And those that stay calm when the crisis is building around them probably don`t have enough IQ to comprehend the situation. Unfortunately, it is such people who are promoted because they are considered to have a cool head in crisis.

One mantra that I go by at workplace is….aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Just don`t go around telling people that you are aiming low. You might end up becoming the target.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

We all have heard of the above statement in motivational speeches and seen it on huge wall-posters…but have we seen anything like this happening in our workplace? No way. In fact it is exactly the opposite: When the going gets tough, the tough take a tea break.

If you have trouble at office…but are not able to do anything about it…don`t worry. Just shift companies. Not talented enough to shift companies at will? Still no worries….in India the retirement age is 58….and that means only 30 more years. Hang on!