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I read Kiruba`s ‘How to increase your Blog Traffic`…pretty neat stuff. He should know, for he is the top Blogger according to BlogStreet. He is a good friend of mine…at least he was when I began writing this post.

Here is what I (notice that I is in Bold) think will get you more traffic –

Put Up Your Picture
If you happen to be as handsome as I am, you should put up your photograph on the Blog. Suggest you take the picture from the best angle. Not from where your huge tobacco-stained teeth show…and definitely not from the angle where girls will be able to see pakoda-nose. If possible, apply some gel and let some strands on your forehead. Will give you that romantic look. If you don`t know what I am talking of …see the top let corner of this page.

Write About Your Wife
Everybody in the World has worries. As a result they like to read about somebody else`s worries…like when my wife used forceps to pull out my nails or when she poured hot water on my feet when I ask for new pair of socks. So write about your worries…crib…stomp…puke…do whatever but never ever write anything positive.

Book your own domain
Yes…I would say that. Book domains like www.sexy.com, www.naked.com or www.porn.com and then redirect them to your Blog. I can assure you…your hits would go up in no time. Who knows the men visiting your site might also end up reading some of your posts.

Get Your Custom e-mail
Here again, I agree with Kiruba. The traffic to your site increase when people realize that you actually have a site. But wonder why my custom e-mail id did not work. Perhaps, it was too long…jamshedvelayudarajan@jamshedvelayudarajan.com

Add Meta Tags
I added Meta tags to my site and in no time the search engines started throwing me up all over the place – as if I were some dosa had in the morning. Here are some of the Meta Tags I have added: Sexy babe, Mallika Sherawat, Jism, Kareena Kapoor and Shahid kapoor, DPS MMS, Paris Hilton, Anna Kournikova, Pamela Anderson etc.

Make your site look Orange
Change your website`s look and feel to Orange…the color of life. Now you know why when it is sunrise…the sky is orange. It is the only color that comes from a fruit…Orange. There is no fruit called red, yellow, green or black…and naturally… none of these colors come from a fruit. Once you make your site orange, all those people who are in the pink of their health will come to your site…and anyways if they don`t come you can beat them black and blue…till they lie in hospital bed looking all yellow.

Comment on Other Sites
I would say go ahead…and comment all you can. Initially that trick did not work…and nobody came to my Blog. Then I understood a surefire method to boost traffic…I started leaving messages like “You are a sucker!”, “Hey…dirt bag…care to chase me?”, “Hey sack of shit..want a one-on-one…come to my blog”, “A*&hole…how about being decent in your posts?” As you all know….now many visit my blog.

Unmarried friend: You picking up your wife on your way?
Married friend: Yeah…
Unmarried friend: Why you so upset?
Married friend: This is no longer exciting…it used to be great before marriage.
Unmarried friend: I can understand. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Married friend: Damn true. Now, if you ask me….picking ones nose is better than picking ones wife.
Unmarried friend: And why so?
Married friend: At least when you pick your nose you can wash your hands and get rid of the dirt.

This was inspired by a reply I sent to a fan mail from Libu B. Thanks Libu.

What would happen if tomorrow all men in the World stop lying? They will start dying. Simple.

You probably think I said the men would be dying because it rhymed with lying. No…if I wanted a word that rhymed with lying…I would have gone with – crying, spying, eyeing, flying, sighing and vying…and I can assure you all of them would have made sense and yet rhymed with lying.

But believe me…the moment man stops lying…he will have no option left but to leave this world. The logic is simple…can fish live without water? Can bears live without salmons? Can butter flies live without necter? Can men live without lying?

Look at me for example..I am the guy who quit smoking two days back because it was the ‘No Smoking day.` Since my promise to Rekha I have quit thrice and started again twice.

I know a guy who would lie to his wife so much that out of habit he started lying (next) to his mistress. Don`t ask me why the mistress did not complain…she was more than happy that he was lying (next) to her and not to some other lady.

Men from different religion, caste, creed, economic strata lie the same. I know a man who tells his wife that he is a religious preacher but the most he says while seeking alms is “Baba..bhagwan tumhara bhala karega…kooch paise dedo….khuda ka vastha.”

Let us now pull ourselves away from the husband-wife scenario…for it gets too congested and every sentence of mine could be construed as if it were directed towards one particular lady called Rekha. And as you all might be aware, I don`t intend to pull her down or crib about her. And I am not lying.

Here are two instances of a man-woman meeting where the man did not have the option to lie. Judge for yourself –

Scenario 1

Man Colleague: So, how are you doing?
Woman Colleague: Good.
Man Colleague: You married?
Woman Colleague: Nope.
Man Colleague: Great. So can we go out?
Woman Colleague: Nope.

Scenario 2

Actor: Liked the movie? How did I act?
Actress: You did well.
Actor: Wow…did not know you would be impressed.
Actress: And how did I do?
Actor: Are you married? On second thoughts…does it matter.
Actress: It matters. And now stop staring.

In the below mentioned scenarios, we allow man to lie and hence the conversations get longer and yield results.

Scenario 3

Man Colleague: So, how are you doing?
Woman Colleague: Good.
Man Colleague: That`s a nice top. Where did you get it?
Woman Colleague: Aahhh…that one was in Spencers.
Man Colleague: Damn neat place huh? I have a friend who owns a shop there..sells fancy jewelry…dirt cheap.
Woman Colleague: What is the name of the shop? And where in Spencers is it?
Man Colleague: Don`t exactly remember but I could take you there…if you don`t mind.
Woman Colleague: Sure. How about today evening?

Scenario 4

Actor: Liked the movie? How did I act?
Actress: You did well. How about me?
Actor: Wow…I was zapped by your performance. Did not realize you were a new comer till you told me.
Actress: I promise, this is my first film.
Actor: Thanks you told me. So how do you memorize your dialogues?
Actress: I just go through them before going to sleep.
Actor: That`s funny coz I also do that but I somehow never remember them.
Actress: I could show you how…
Actor: That would be lovely…I will be at your door step at 9 p.m. tonight.
Actress: Great!

Shakespeare said it. And we have lived with it. But there is a lot in a name. Shakespeare who in one of his theatre production (think Romeo & Juliet) said “What is in a name. A rose by any name will smell the same.”

I disagree. If that were so, why is Shah Rukh Khan always named ‘Rahul` in his movies? And why was Amitabh always named ‘Vijay` in his movies?
Why were these two men never named Ramaswamy (incidentally, that is my father`s name) or ChandraShekaran (coincidentally that is my father-in-law`s name)?

While on the topic of names in movies…we cannot ignore the fact that all male servants are named ‘Ramu`. Watchmen are always ‘Bahadur`.

One small Trivia: In the movies made in 1940s and 50s Ramu used to be the hero`s name.

When on the subject matter of watchmen…how can we forget the criminals? Those that are always named Peter, Tony and Robert. Ever wondered why the henchmen are always Christians? Some day I want to catch a movie-maker by his collar bone and question him on why they never name the henchmen…Shivnarain, Narayanamurthy or for that matter Balasubramanian.

Talking of Christian names in movies…when it is a Father in a church, he is always addressed as Father Francis. Sisters are always Sister Mary. Think about it…have you ever heard sisters being addressed as – Sister Miranda, Sister Teresa, Sister Meganalia or for that matter home grown Sister Kamala.

Our movies have always been masala items. A Hindi movie is ready if it has one romance, one item number, one villain, one comedian and one murder.

Talking of murder…the police inspectors are always Inspector Pandeys. The one movie that had a different name for an inspector was when Nana Patekar played Sadhu Agashe in Ab Tak Chhappan. The funny thing about that movie was…just because Nana Patekar`s name was not ‘Pandey` everybody went around saying that the movie was a lot different from the usual police flicks. They even called it Experimental.

The last time I heard an Indian heroine say her role in her yet-to-release movie was experimental, I asked her: “What is so special?”

She said: “I cut my hair short for the movie.”

Ever since, I have stopped watching her moves, leave alone movies.

Getting back to the whats-its-name….yeah…the whole naming business…I still wonder why all the Anglo-Indians in Hindi movies are called Gonzalves. And why are all poor Goan fishermen called Barganza?

This logical conclusion that names are important and there is more to them than mere smell …makes us wonder if Shakespeare was a fool. No…not the Hindi fool, the English fool!

Did you know the intra-city bus service in Chennai is considered one of the best in India? If you didn`t …chances are don`t read the magazine I have subscribed for.

On Saturday, I traveled by bus from Velachery (in Chennai) to the Central station. It was quite an experience.

While talking of bus travel, I cannot but narrate what happened when I traveled from Delhi to Jaipur in a bus. It was way back in 1995…and I was traveling with a gang of young boys willing to take on the world. I still believe at least two of the advertisements we see on TV are inspired by this bus service – first would be the Fevicol advertisement in which 100+ people are stuck to the outside of the bus, and second would be the car advertisement wherein the catch line is ‘because we like to carry our world with us`. I think it is for the Indigo car.

In that bus, all had forgotten to travel light. Besides, half of them were always asking for a light to light their beedis. Thanks to the beedis, the inside of the bus looked like a dream sequence. The only thing missing was a heroine to dance to our tunes and her coterie.

Some of the travelers were transporting hens & other birds in cages, some had sacks of vegetables, many others had bundles of crackers, few others were sophisticated…they were carrying suitcases. It seemed everybody in that bus to Jaipur was shifting his or her house.

My Saturday travel was quite different. The 11E bus goes to Central station, but when the 25B came and stopped right in front of me…I realized it doesn`t take long to be pushed into the wrong bus by strong people. It is only a matter of timing. Having got into 25B, going in the opposite direction, I had to get down and walk my way to the bus stand.

Eventually, I got 11E. Sometime back I had read that per-square feet rates were going up in Chennai. That seems to be truer in the case of busses. Try getting a space of your own in a bus at 8 a.m. on a weekday.

As soon as I got in, I heard the conductor saying: “Everybody out there…get in. I want nobody on the footboard.”

Nobody else but I moved. Guess, I am just too obedient. Marriage has changed everything.

While trying to get in, I brushed against a lady in the crowd. Not intentionally of course. The lady turned back angrily but when she realized that it was I – a young handsome man – who had by mistake brushed her, she cooled down and turned away. My guess is…if only I had not been handsome; she would have created a scene.

Inside the bus, I smelt onion, garlic, molasses, rum, hooch, Domex, Savlon, Liril, Rasna, lemon rice and rotten eggs. Not to mention all the other smells that I could not identify.

As I gasped for air and looked out of the bus, the outside world seemed good. More comfortable. Many things that work outside of the bus don`t work inside it. For example.. your credit card, which the conductor won`t accept.

I hung from the top rails as the bus meandered through the early-morning traffic. Some around me were standing yet sleeping. Perhaps, that is why I managed to rush to a vacated seat and yet get it. The moment I sat on the rickety seat, I regretted. Three pretty school girls – I think they were in their 12th grade – smiled at me and said: “Uncle, can you please hold our school bags?”

Before, I could get over the shock of being called an uncle; I had three bags on my lap. First had a leaking water bottle, second a lunch box that had opened and the third had a frog in a glass bottle – perhaps for the practical.

I had to get down at the Central station. I signaled the girls to take back their bags. As I got up, I offered one of them the seat….but they refused. I wondered why, because when I was 20-year-old, girls would rush in to sit where I had once sat.

As I was leaving, one of the girls said: “Thank you uncle.” That hurt.

Here are two things I came across today.

2) Today (20th May) something amazing is going to happen…something that doesn`t happen every other day. At 8.05 pm today the time and date will be: 2005 2005 2005 (20:05 20/05/2005). Now, thats something huh?

Have you ever tried having a conversation with somebody from the Finance department in your office? Chances are you hated the conversation. If you liked the conversation, chances are you also work for the Finance department. They always end up talking of money.

The Finance people are only slightly better than LIC agents. Robinson and I were very good friends till the time he turned a LIC agent. Now, I hide when I see him approaching. Sometimes he manages to catch up (he used to be a 100m runner in school while I was more of a marathoner) and makes me stare at death in close quarters. When last heard, his wife left him because he always spoke of accidents, theft in houses, burning of shops, losing a limb, losing a job….nothing positive.

While talking of negative things, people working in the Quality Department (QC) are the worst. Throughout their lives they find fault with the work others have done. And they end up doing the same once they go back home.

A typical Quality person while entering his house always say: “And why is this chair in the middle of the house?”

Or perhaps: “Why didn`t anybody plug the gap created by somebody leaving the door ajar?” Didn`t understand? Don`t worry nobody understands QC people.

If there any bunch of professionals who can give the QC people a run for their money…. They are the proof readers. I have worked in newspapers and I can tell you from experience. Employed by the newspaper publishers to spot errors in the articles written by the newspaper`s editorial..just before it goes to print…these men…know how to be picky. Typos, extra full stops and even that occasional extra space do not escape these men.

They carry it to their families, who care too hoots about being spic and span. I still remember a proof reader I worked with when in Indian Express. Legend has it that Balu (as he was affectionately called) sat down and corrected all the mistakes in his son`s answer sheet even though he had scored 100/100. But 100 marks is not the issue here…the issue is…it was a mathematics answer sheet.

There are some other professions equally dangerous –
1) Engine drivers, who have this habit of hooting in the middle of a conversation to attract your attention
2) The Zoo keepers, who have this habit of maintaining an arms distance while conversing.
3) The photographers who try to focus really hard and turn the conversation boring.
4) The dentists, who by the time you finish the conversation leave you with a few teeth less.
5) Gynecologists, who converse with the wives and ask the husbands for money
6) Mathematicians, for whom the art of conversation is one big problem.

Men have this incurable habit of staring at girls. It is an inborn talent and is hard to leave behind once you get committed. This guide is aimed at helping out all hose men (and boys) who get caught by their wives and girl friends …and other girls on whom enough has been invested.

Even after practicing these tips…if you still end up getting caught…get back to me.