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Imagination has no shape…no color…no direction. In the given link…it is aptly signified. Give it a try. Let loose your imagination. Just don`t lose it; you might be thrown out of your job. And I am not recruiting any sooner.

Don`t you want to remind some friend of yours to eat fruit today?

I reminded my wife…and now she has asked me to buy some when I go home in the evening. Why do I always end up axing my own foot? Comes naturally to me, I guess. Just like the fruit.

BTW, did you know that a ‘fruitcake` is a term used to describe a crazy or eccentric person? In some parts of the world it is used to describe people who are not straight in their sexual preferences.

If you are a literate person you would have heard of fruit flies. Yes, the same one that is used for genetic engineering. Did you know that for a long time it was thought that fruit flies were generated spontaneously? For more on Fruit flies Click Here.

Why am I in a fruity mood today? I have no idea. Probably it has got to do with Rekha giving me fruits for lunch. Yes, it is true…I have been coerced, black-mailed and threatened to take lunch to office. That too, cooked by Rekha.

I have been suggesting that we get a cook, but she insists. She still thinks that the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach. Wonder when we getting a cook for the house. One cannot survive on good food once every week. BTW, did I tell you that Rekha and I go out for dinner on all Saturdays?

Here is an article on why we should eat more of fruits and vegetables.

Why am I being so erratic in this post? Why are my thoughts acting like crazy? Am I a fruitcake? If yes, where is the cake part of me? I like cakes.

Now…there is one more thing that Rekha and I disagree on….I think I am a fruitcake and she thinks I am a vegetable!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers

(You bet sir. For I don`t think what is happening to me is comedy…but these guys who are regular readers of my marriage woes think it is funny)

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny …’
– Isaac Asimov

(I agree with you Mr Asimov (have read his book called ‘Naked Sun` – no it is not porn)

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
– George Bernard Shaw

(Now you guys know, I have been writing nothing but the truth)

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov

(Did not quite gather this, but thought somebody among you would help me out)

They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you’re having them.
– Eeyore, Pooh

(Phew! Tell me about accidents. BTW….have you guys heard this one – Children in back-seats of the car cause accidents and accidents in back-seats cause children.)

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
– Horace Walpole

(Mr Horace…so you telling me that I am a thinker! You guys heard that?)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
– Mel Brooks

(Very well said. Are you telling me that I am typing this from an open sewer?)

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
– Charlie Chaplin

(This Comedy King could not have said truer words. Comedy is really easy. I think that to make a comedy all I need is a park, a policeman, a pretty girl and my wife Rekha)

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
– Charlie Chaplin

(Damn true. If you guys were in my place you will be seeing the things in my life as a close-up. Only then would you know the tragedy in my life. And you heart-less people…you have the guts to laugh at me)

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
– Edmund Gwenn

(I would not want to question that. Never heard of anybody who has disproved that…probably coz nobody ever lived to tell that dying was difficult)

On my Income Tax form it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
Tom Lehrer, lecturing in “The Nature of Math”, 4/4/90

After seeing the movie Black, I have realized that our senses are really important. And among all, the ability to see is the most vital.

If eyesight was not important, why would Sanjay Leela Bhansali name his movie Black? If hearing was more important he could have named the movie ‘Silence.` Or if speaking was important, he could have named it ‘Gossip`.

Ironically, it is in this ‘seeing` department that I have a problem. The picture of mine atop the page was taken without my glasses. Perhaps, that`s the reason why I look so natural…I did not see the camera…neither did I know when the flash went off.

I have been wearing glasses ever since I was in class six. Wearing glasses changed my life forever. Now, the girls didn`t seem interested in me. It is only now that it is cool to be sporting a spectacle…in those days…spectacles were death sentences for your love life.

My tragic days in school forced me to become a shayar/poet. Here is my first shayari (written when I was in class Ten)-

Pyaar ke raasthe paar akele hain,
Agar chashma pehenthe hain,
tho ladkiyan dekhthi nahin.
Agar chasma utharthe hain,
Tho ladkiyan dikhti nahin.

When translated to English it means:

I am alone on the road of love,
For when I wear my glasses,
The girls don`t see me.
And when I don`t,
I can`t see the girls.

I being half-blind (without my glasses) have given Rekha an edge in our marital life. After our fights, I always find my spectacles missing…and only after I apologize to Rekha do I get them back.

I remember somebody had once said that for a marriage to be happy, a deaf man needs to marry a blind lady. How true. I would have preferred to be partially deaf instead. How much I wish I could open and shut my ears as I do my eyes. It could have benefited the whole mankind and saved them from the womankind.

Getting back to my poor eye-sight, my problem has reached such a high that today I don`t even see opportunities. Only yesterday, Rekha asked me if she could go to her native for five days. I refused. Only then did I realize that it was a good opportunity for me to be free of all hassles.

“Why me?,” I ask the Lord. There are so many people who have amazing eye-sight. Some are above 60 years old, but can drink straight from the bottle…why do I have to search for my glasses?

I had never fallen in love before I met you. And after I met you, there was no escape!
You mean so much to me, my dear husband!

The Husband`s reply

I had never fallen in love before I met you. But now, there is no escape!
You are so mean to me dear wife!

I think, February 14 should henceforth be declared a National holiday. I found it really difficult to get ready and reach my office in time.

Today, at midnight, my wife woke me up to wish me a happy St. Valentine`s day. A bleary eyed Jammy was pulled into the drawing room where on the dining table was a heart-shaped cake with a single lit candle. We were to blow off the candle and celebrate our first St. Valentine`s Day after marriage.

There have been four firsts so far –
1) Our first St. Valentine`s Day.
2) Our first St. Valentine`s Day after I proposed.
3) Our first St. Valentine`s Day after we decided to marry.
4) Our first St. Valentine`s Day after marriage.

She did surprise me. I blew at the candle and Rekha, who blew from the other end, fainted. Guess it was because I don`t brush my teeth after dinner. Before having a piece of cake, I had to brush again. By the time we finished it was 1.30 in the morning and the thieves were just going to bed.

Today evening, we have to go for a dinner. No…not my initiative. She waited all this while thinking I had already made reservations for tonight`s dinner, as I had always done before marriage. But when, I did not give any hint of an impending dinner…she checked with me. And even as I write this…I am upset coz I got a dressing down…and now am being forced to take her to a chutku-phutku restaurant near my house.

Why do we need this Valentine`s day at all? I fail to understand.

Is this what they call love? Costly dinners, late night cakes, costly gifts bought on credit cards…the list is endless (More because I can`t remember anything else).

At this rate…men will stop placing their wives on a pedestal…and instead they will place her under it.

They say Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. How true. Why don`t the women understand that it costs to celebrate Valentine`s Day. For the amount of money that`s she has already spent I could have bought more than 20 Kingfishers. All men should join hands and come up with a NGO called SWEAT. When expanded it would mean “Stop the Women who Eat Away our Time.”

Or if the presiding committee decides on including ‘Money` in the NGO`s agenda, we could name it: SWEEP – “Stop the Women, who Enjoy, Every Penny”

At least, I can blame Rekha`s age for her these misadventures with St Valentine. But think of all those really elder people you will find at the Marina and Besant Nagar beach? How true these words in Swahili are – &^%&^$%^$#% &**&*&^&$%##$(*)()_ &*^%&$%^#$%# @##@&**(*(())_*) (_&**^&$#$@!#@!, which when translated into English means: “Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.” No wonder Dev Anand…is yet to get old.

Is Dawood Ibrahim’s daughter marrying Javed Miandad’s son? Read More

Before I met Rekha…I had never fallen in love. Of course, I had stepped into it once in a while…and they were mostly during the St. Valentine`s Day.

It is heart-wrenching to be alone on Feb 14 – especially if you are as handsome as I am (or was?). As a result, I would start my hunt well before February began…and by the time Valentine`s Day neared…I would manage to get a date. After all, it is difficult and different to be alone. But the pity is, many wanting to be different, would end up being alone.

After marriage the equations change, and one yearns for some peace on the V-Day. Earlier, my heart would go out to those without a date on V-Day. Today I am jealous of them. Lucky guys!

You probably wonder if I believe in luck. Yes, I do. How else can I explain the success of all those friends of mine who managed to marry pretty wives?

I was thinking of what all I would have been had I not been lucky enough to be where I am today. Confused? Read on…

Don`t know if it was the movie Page3 or Fat Albert that made me wonder about my past. Don`t ask me why, coz even I have not seen these movies.

When I think of the alternatives…the first that comes to my mind is a shepherd. Yes, I would definitely been a shepherd and would have loved it too. Had it not been for my father, who lost a quarter of an anna in 1962 and fearing the wrath of my Grandpa, left the village to join the Indian Army, today I would have been sitting on a rock counting my goats.

I know…you are probably laughing at me coz a quarter of an anna changed the lives of two generations in my family. But I guess that`s the truth.

What if my grandpa did not have goats? And I had no goats to become a shepherd…the thought itself is scary.

If my grandpa did not have goats…he would have had cows for sure. And that would have made me a milkman. My day would have started as early as 3 a.m.. I would get up, milk the cows, distribute the milk, come home, have break-fast, sleep for some time and get ready for the second round of milking.

God forbid, but what would have happened if my grandpa did not have cows either. I would have definitely become a bullock-cart driver (or should it be rider – bullock carts have only two wheels). No gears, no brakes…plain gut feeling…of the bullocks. The cart and the bullocks would have been my property and I would have decided my work timings. On the pretext of resting the bullocks I could have rested. One issue though…there would have been no rear view mirrors for me to comb my well-oiled and parted hair.

What if my grandpa didn`t have bullock carts…what would I be doing in my village? Selling groundnuts in Rs 2, Rs 5 packs ? No way. The villagers are smarter…they don`t fall for such cheap tricks. Pushing a thela and exchanging plastic wares for old clothes? Nah…in villages people don`t sell old clothes…they wear it till they last. A vegetable seller? No way…in villages most houses have gardens and they eat home-grown vegetables.

What does that leave me to be? I did a lot of research, and found out a few things about my village –

– There is lot of disposable income
– People are a little fashion conscious
– They love nature and would prefer to sit under a tree that anywhere else.
– They are very simple people who don`t like to deal with technical stuff like shaving sets, hair dyes etc.

Bingo! I would have been a barber operating from under a tree, had my father not lost a quarter of an anna way back in 1962.

In a way bombs are like candies. Easily available, cheap and loads of fun.

I was left wondering where all these bombs are made? In factories? If yes, are these companies listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange? Coz, if they are …I sure want to buy the stocks. After all…they are making shit-loads of money.

Let us assume, they don`t make bombs in factories, coz if they did…bombs would also come in glossy packaging. For all we know, there would be Television advertisements selling bombs of various kinds.

After seeing the ads, if I end up in a shop…would the shop-keeper sell me a bomb?
Or will he ask me for age proof? Like how in US of A, you can`t buy a beer can if you are underage. But, I guess you can drink…

And if I have to show my age-proof, what would be the right age to buy a bomb? At 24-years would I qualify to buy a bomb? Ok…Ok…I am not 24…I am 27….

And if I do manage to get my hands on a bomb how can I be sure that I don`t blow myself up. Do they have a user manual that I can read before I go about planting a bomb? Or is it one of those plug and play types….

I wonder if they ever tried to have a training session for all those who bought a bomb. I am sure, they must have tried it out. Probably, it was stopped because Professors and scholars were no longer forthcoming to teach. One thing is for sure, the training sessions would have always been all theory and no practicals.

On second thoughts, if bombs were so popular…wouldn`t the AK-47s lose their market? The people used to seeing live about-to-blow-up bombs in other`s hands would no longer be afraid of AK-47s. With the AK-47 sales dwindling, the Russian economy will experience a steep decline.

Because, every Tom, Dick & Harry can afford to scare his neighbor with a bomb, terrorism will no longer be a lucrative career option. Many will quit LTTE, IRA or for that matter Hizb-ul-Mujahideen.

Terrorism will become such a badly paying profession that Osama will also emerge from behind Bush. Oops…from behind the Bush, if you know what I mean.

Because everybody will have a bomb in hand….nobody will steal, nobody will rob. Everybody will be honest. The Utopian world. So much so…nobody would come forward to claim their fields. Mine fields, that is.

With nobody to claim the mine fields, no children will lose their legs in mine blasts. As for their hands…one cannot be sure…they would be holding bombs you see….

Moral of the Story: However hard you try to change the World, you just cannot. It has a way of balancing itself.

Moral of the Moral: When somebody craps, don`t go beyond Moral of the Story.