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When the toe mattered

It seems happiness of a man depends on the length of his wife`s toe. No, unfortunately..I am not gifted with foot fetish. Blame it on all the smelly feet that I have come across in my good old romantic days.

According to an urban legend if the second toe (one next to the thumb toe) of the wife is longer than the thumb…she would dominate. And if otherwise, man gets to wear pants in the house.

I never believed it. After all, Rekha`s second toe is longer than her thumb but in our house I wear the pants. I am serious. Even as I type this, I am wearing one.

Here is the story of one close friend, who believed in the urban legend…

Praveen Menon was quite a handsome lad. He would attract girls like flies to shit…but he was very choosy. While we were jealous of him, we were also close to him…for we knew that he was our passport to the fairer sex. The girls would get rejected by Praveen…and eventually end up in our laps. Not literally, of course.

A year back, he decided to get married. This is how his Matrimonial Ad in The Hindu read:

Born and bought up in Delhi. Convent educated, BA(Hon), MBA…looking for a bride for permanent matrimony. Girl should be strong and independent, yet should respect family values. She should be 170 cms or taller, with model-like legs, yet be a traditional Indian girl. We are Havyaka Brahmins and the girl should belong to the same Gotra. More importantly, her second toe should be smaller than her thumb toe. Call 98843-97658 to get in touch.

It is not that he did not get any responses. Within 24 hours, he got five calls. But the problem was…each of the five missed out on at least one of the selection criteria. And that was sad.

A week days later, he got a call from a girl`s father. We suggested that he do not take the call seriously, because the very fact that he had been called after a week suggested that he had been the last option.

Whatever we said, Praveen had decided to give it a try. We would come to know later that the girl`s father had withheld one small bit of information, that really mattered – length of the girl`s second toe.

Our man went all the way to KanyaKumari – the southernmost tip of Indian Peninsula to see the girl. She was pretty all right. Was educated…good mannered… great in-laws. Everything that one desperate man could aspire for…she was endowed with. But Praveen would come back empty handed.

When we asked, he said: “But for her longer second toes…she was every bit how I wanted my wife to be.”

Days passed by, more street lamps got fused, the road opposite my house saw a few more accidents, I got into Rekha`s good books (then we were not married), I dropped more coins (and one mobile) into my potty….

Eventually, Praveen Menon would find the girl he liked. One with smaller second toes. Today, he wears the pants in the family. His wife prefers sarees, and sometimes churidhaars.

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Kissing – how it all began

Kissing is fine if it is within the five walls of the house. Yes, ours is a unique house. Once, outside…it is a big mess. Unless of course, you live in the US of A or the fashion capital (or French capital?) Paris.

After the Kareena Kapoor-Shahid Khan kissing episode that hit the headlines of most newspapers, I was left wondering how kissing could become so important in the life of a man (or an woman). So, I tried to do a trace-back…

Flashback: To the days of innocence days – well before the French people decided on a Cabinet-ranking Minister for Love, and Amsterdam decided on a Mayor for the guys (or gays?) who were not straight, and Nelson Madela witnessed his own son`s death due to AIDS.

Venue: Garden of Eden (Not the cricket venue, stupid!)

Movies to watch out for in 2005! Click Here

Adam and Eve were having some good quality time. God has given them a fruit and asked them not to eat it. And the twosomes are discussing weather they would be well within the rule of law if they take a bite.

As usual, it is the lady who is more adventurous of the two.

“Adam, why do you think God has asked us not to eat this fruit?,” Eve asks.

“Maybe God wants to eat it.” Adam`s reasoning is as simple as a man can get.

But the curiosity in woman was noticeable even then: “If he wants to eat it, why would he give it to us? Is he hiding it from his wife? But is he married at all? Never seen him and his wife together…hope their marriage is safe.” Eve comments.

“God knows.” A God-fearing Adam exclaims.

“Trying to be funny huh?” Eve censures him.

Eventually, as happens in all our homes, Eve wins the argument. She eats the fruit. Since, there were no fruit knifes, and no salad forks in those days…a few pieces of the fruit stick to Eve`s rosy little cheeks. On seeing this Adam, who is scared of God (as most men are), tries removing the pieces on Eve`s cheeks using his lips. That was the first ever kiss recorded on Mother Earth.

You would ask me why he did not use his hands to remove the fruit pieces. That is because, he was holding two plantain leaves to cover his front and behind (Remember they did not have Tibre trousers then). The plantain leaves are probably the reason why a school of thought believes that Adam and Eve were South Indians.

Since Adam cared for Eve, in the sense he did not want Eve to be scolded by God for eating the fruit…touching ones lips on the other`s cheeks or any other part was soon associated with ‘caring`.

When Adam`s Family (not the scary ones you see on Cartoon Network) grew, the relatives started putting their lips to their children`s cheeks to show that they cared. They would do this when they went hunting and when they returned.

Since some of the parents did not share all of the meat they hunted, with their children, sometimes the children were scared of their parents. And kissing sometimes got associated with reverence and subordination – as happens to this day with the kings and queens…and bosses…we kiss ass.

Over a period of time the cavemen realized that kissing was not always the chore that it was made out to be – if only you chose your partner right. Now kisses turned romantic and passionate. They became more intense and prolonged. Young guys started choosing young girls and vice-versa.

Tsunami Special: Will the cricketers go shirtless? Find Out

Then, human beings had loads of body hair. To top it, there was no brushing of teeth, no shaving, and no bathing. Kissing on the lips could have been quite a chore…so to avoid a certain black out while kissing, the couple decided to keep their noses as far away from their partner as possible. This is why even today we notice that a couple will often turn their heads to one side or another when kissing.

The French have always wanted to be different. “If the Britishers can do it with their mouths closed, we can do one better…we can keep our mouths open.” That was the origin of the French kiss.

Today…one doesn`t need to be a learned French Scholar to be an exponent of French kissing. By the way, did I tell you…I know nothing of French!

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What’s Cooking?

Ever tried impressing your wife by cooking a decent meal for her? And surprising her? (That`s one of my New Year resolutions).

I suggest, you don`t. I tried, and it only backfired. I went without lunch and Rekha, my wife of 115 days, had her fill.

It was 1st Jan 2005, a holiday for both of us. Rekha wanted to go and meet a friend of hers who had only recently given birth to a baby girl. And she did.

Since one of my resolutions was to surprise Rekha (instead of shocking), I decided to prepare lunch by the time she was back. It was pretty easy. All I had to do was go to http://sify.com/food, search for the ‘Culinary Delights` that I wanted to work on and get preparation methodology.

I remember my mother once telling me that cooks were like engineers. You decide on the plan, source the raw materials and then go about building the small blocks which when put together will become the ‘building`. In my case – a tasty lunch.

Once I had the recipe from the net, I needed to source the raw materials – vegetables, rice and masala, oil etc. It never occurred to me that Rekha would have all the required vegetables in the fridge. I thought that was for ice cubes when you wanted to have some whiskey, for beer when you had decided on the barley drink, for ice-cream for when visitors came knocking, and for keeping harmless stuff like Coke, cheese, butter, paneer etc.

After an hour-long search in the market-place I had all the vegetables I needed. I had decided on paneer palak and aloo mutter as side-dishes. Needless to say, we would have needed sambar for rice.

With the main course ready on paper, I had to decide on the dessert. I decided on gajar-ka-halwa – the favourite of Bollywood actors spanning three generations – from Raj Kapoor to Rajesh Khanna to now Shah Rukh Khan.

After spending three hours in an oven like kitchen…I had the full course ready. It was not tasty and all, but at least it was a beginning.

Rekha came back at 2 p.m….she sure was surprised. Shocked would be a better word. For the next half-an-hour I was lectured on why I should not indulge myself in cooking. It was 2.30 and I was hungry. But she went on….here is the list of things that I should have kept notice of while cooking –

1) Switch on the exhaust fan before you start cooking. This could save you from allegations like you burnt the food (even if you did, they wont know). You could also smoke in the kitchen and get away with it.
2) Make sure the vessels are clean before you put the vegetables inside. She refuses to agree that I washed the cooker clean…in spite of the sambar smelling of Dettol soap.
3) If you wash the vessels, make sure you remove the vim bar from inside. She says I could have left it inside the cooker. Actually, that does explain the green colored rice, I made.
4) Fruit Spice, cardamom, ginger, saffron, jeera, fenugreek, garlic, mustard, turmeric belong to the Spice family but don`t necessarily contribute to making the sambar spicy. Hence, don`t have all of them in the sambar.
5) While cooking, please don`t assume that it is going to be the last session inside the kitchen. Remember, that kitchens are not use-and-throw…they need to be used again…hence keep them clean.

There is one thing Rekha did not tell me and I learnt myself. When you cook, prepare enough of everything…otherwise chances are you would go hungry and spend your afternoon looking at your wife sleeping like an overfed-angel!

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Rekha in previous birth

Was wondering what Rekha could have been in her previous birth. Here are a few guesses –

Hammer – Falls right on the head
Blade – Nips & cuts
Knife – Cuts right through me
Coaster – Always missing when I want…
Needle – Pricks me
Iron Box – Flattens me & my confidence
Tweezers – Catches even the smallest of ‘mistakes`
Mixer – Makes my keema

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Roads – down the wild side

Requested by Anbu @ 11:16 am | Dec 1st 2004
Topics Suggested: Boss,Canteen food,Indian cricket,roads
Mail id: manbu@chn.cognizant.com
Blog:
http://vanguard2010.blogspot.com

It is now fashionable to use the sewage system to move around the city. It is less polluted and less crowded. And costs only Rs 10.00 – the price of one Rin Shakti.

According to a Tamil movie, a Nair has already set up a tea-shop in the sewage canal that runs along Mount Road, here in Chennai. And he is doing brisk business.

The trend is fast catching up in the Metros where bumper-to-bumper traffic has resulted in many babies being delivered on the matted floor of a car, many jobs being lost, many bridegrooms missing the marriage, many young men with good kidneys pissing in their pants and many losing the battle against cancer while caught up in traffic jams.

While the Radio Jockeys (including Suchitra Ramadurai of Radio Mirchi, who happens to know me) alert the public at regular intervals, it does not quite help.

If you are a truck or bus driver, you are King of the Indian road. But then, if you are a jeep/car driver, you got to be scared of the truckers & the busers (is there a term?). If you happen to be a poor guy, like me, and ride a two-wheeler…you command over the bicyclists and pedestrians. But ensure a safe distance from the heavyweights.

Due to such demanding traffic, the average Indian driver is put under severe stress. If the trend continues, soon drivers will be paid as much as the fighter pilots. In India, drivers think that to smile at others is to accept defeat. Each maneuver on the road is like a dog-fight indulged in by the fighter pilots of World War 1 & 2. You either survive to tell the tale, or you perish while traveling to office..or returning home.

Working under such stressful conditions forces the drivers to take stiff shots of whiskey or vodka to calm their nerves. This is probably the reason why the Government`s campaign of “Drinking & Driving Don’t Mix” is such a failure.

Talking of the Government, the PWD (Public Wrecks Department) also has a hand in the bad roads. Or did you know of this already? Some of the terms that the PWD employees are not aware of are – legal tender, good contractor, quality raw materials, durable roads, deadlines and above all…tar.

God forbid if it rains in India. If you live on non-metallic roads…you are doomed. It is like chocolate slush…and the only thing you cannot do is licking. If you stay on metallic roads…the gravel comes off and you don`t even know…the potholes fill up and you don`t even know (some drivers are known to have lost their lorries in pot-holes)…the dividers submerge and you are not even aware.

The bad roads and heavy traffic don`t just affect mortals like us… even the traffic policemen are seen complaining of occupational hazards. Most of the Chennai’s traffic-men are complaining of stomach & lung cancer. While the stomach cancer can be attributed to the free lunches they have walking into any nearby restaurant …the lung cancer is blamed on the pollution.

I am surprised my wife does not ask me to stop traveling…instead she keeps harping on the benefits of quitting smoking and drinking!

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Tough decision

You could be an Ambani, but there are going to be times when you are at the crossroads wondering…what shall I have now…tea or coffee?

Of course, the Ambanis have bigger issues to sort out but my point is…however powerful you are…there are some tough decisions that have to be taken. Take me for example: I have got feedback from my readers that I should not be writing such ‘positive` things about my wife so regularly. While some felt that it was funny, many thought it was not good for our long-term relationship. Big deal.

Though I get 1000s of mails everyday telling me how good my blog is, for the sake of all men in this World (and all women), I will stop writing about my wife. Of course, this does not mean we won`t have that occasional article slipped in (without Rekha noticing).

This also does not mean that this blog won`t be playing host to funny articles. As an incentive…now you can give me a topic to write ‘funny` on. Click Here to suggest a Topic.You can find this link on top right hand corner.

Just don`t give me obscure topics like Robin William`s nose, Ceaser`s incest, Mandira Bedi`s noodle strap or for that matter Manmohan Singh`s turban. I promise a delivery within 24 hours and anyways if I don`t…life goes on.

Since we started with the Ambanis, I suggest we end with them….Ambanis.

Yours Truly,
Jammy

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A Dog’s life, this

At the drop of a hat we use the phrase, “a dog`s life.” When somebody asked, “So how is it going?” I would reply, “It has been a dog`s life.”

All the while I never thought how a Dog`s life would be. Now when I think…I shudder.

He would get up in the morning, i.e., if he were not run over by drunken lorry drivers, when he was sleeping on the road. No brushing of teeth or taking a bath. No prayers required.

He could go to the nearby tea-shop and stand there pleading some kind-looking soul. If he obliges, our Dog would have a biscuit to ward off the early morning hunger.

For lunch, the Dog will go looking for a non-vegetarian hotel where they throw away the chicken or mutton waste out in the open. In India, there are many such hotels, and our protagonist has a good meal. Of course, he has to use his survival instincts to beat the street-corner beggar who is also looking for some protein-rich diet.

A fulfilled, yet thirsty Dog would go looking for drinking water. If it were a Chennai Dog, it is doomed. But thanks to the Public Works Department, the Dog will find bowls (read potholes) of rainwater on the road. After a brief fight with other stray Dogs, ours hopefully wins and gets a drink.

In the evening, the dog takes a trip to the butcher shop. When the butcher closes the shop, he throws away the day`s waste on the road. While the Dog mafia decides on what to do with the loot, if our Dog can reach there in time…he could have a bite. Just the right snack for a tiring day.

There is very little dinner involved in a Dog`s life. The sewer-water, which is difficult to identify in the dark is drunk. It is the Dog`s equivalent of a beer. And a tipsy Dog goes to bed…God knows on which road.

Actually…come to think of it…it sounds like my life. Pleasing my bosses for a lone salty biscuit. Doing stuff that I don`t like doing for that odd piece of mutton, and trying to be in the good books of the mafia (my wife Rekha).

I am having a Dog`s life. Or am I a Dog?

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Tailor shops’ – whats in a name?

If you have not been as big a fashion freak as Britney Spears or David Beckham, you have probably bought cloth bits and stitched a trouser or a shirt in the tailor shop on the street corner.

Ever wonder what goes behind naming each of these tailor shops? Loads of crappy advice.

A few hours back I saw this shop named `Look Pass Tailors.` Perhaps when the committee sat down to decide on a name for the shop, the guy putting in the money said: “Ok guys, our name should be so good that a passerby should stop, have a look and then move on.” And one intelligent dodo in the gang said, “How about ‘Look Pass.` And the name stayed on.

Very soon, another guy will set up tailor shop across the street. To beat his competitor in the naming game, he would call his shop ‘Look, Peek, Pass Tailors`. No surprises if one day somebody names his shop ‘Look, Peek, Piss & Pass Tailors.`

How can I forget the one called ‘Ray Man Tailors` in Madurai (my native). I suppose he wanted to capitalize on Raymond`s Brand Equity. This guy`s business flourished and next year he opened a Ladies only tailor shop, naming it “Ray Woman Tailors.” That was when I left Madurai and came to Chennai.

And then, there is this TEX syndrome. There are these tailoring shops named A-Tex, B-Tex, C-Tex, D-Tex…till Z-Tex. Now, don`t ask me Y-Tex!

In God`s own country (and that would be Kerala), it is totally different. If the tailor`s name is Thangachan Kumaran, the name of his shop will be ‘Tee Kay Tailors`. God forbid if the tailor`s name were Padmanabhan Pillay for his shop`s name would be ‘Pee Pee Tailors`. Man, the name stinks.

There are many names that I think are worth mentioning here. Here is the list –

1) Indian Tailors – you better be Indian if you want to do business in India.
2) Cuts & Stitches – For a moment I had thought it was a polyclinic.
3) Soft Wear Tailors – Somebody who got pink-slipped during the IT bust and came back to become an entrepreneur.
4) Good Looking Tailors – Does it matter if the tailor is good looking?
5) Future Tailors – Guess, in future they hope to become tailors.