Categories
Uncategorized

Victoria’s Secret – do you know it?

I was reading this book called Couplehood by Paul Reiser and in one of the chapters he writes about how he likes flipping through the Victoria`s Secret catalogue. And he finds it entertaining yet morally satisfying. His only complain is that even after thumbing thro` the catalogue a 100 times, he is yet to know Victoria`s Secret.

But my case is different. In my house, Victoria`s Secret is a secret. The catalogue is wrapped up in an old shirt of mine, which in turn is hidden in an old suitcase, kept in the corner of the storeroom. No, actually…under my cot…hmm… I think it is in the kitchen. (Note: I am trying to miss lead you, so that you cannot blackmail once our opinions start differing).

This was a catalogue gifted to me by a fellow college mate, who after spending six years doing BA Economics, eventually managed to get 36 per cent marks and make it to the World of opportunities. It is another matter that he now has a successful business running and earns at least five times more than I do. For the record, I spent only three years doing BA Economics and passed out with a creditable 74 per cent. Life`s irony huh?

Coming back to the catalogue, I have deep sympathies for these women models. I mean, these models deserve more sympathy than the hungry kids of Somalia (does the country still exist? I don`t see them on the TV anymore!). These models are skinny…God knows when they last ate. If only I was watching a live Victoria`s Secret show and I happened to have a breadcrumb (that, I did not want), I am sure I would have thrown it on the ramp.

Or for matter the clothes they wear. I have seen more clothes on people pulled out of fire accidents. Nobody gifts these models clothes for Navratri or Diwali or Christmas. Everybody thinks, “Why should I gift her a churidhaar, she looks perfectly alright in her whatsitsname…”

Sorry…I am so much moved by the plight of these models that I got sentimental.

Surprisingly, Rekha does not understand the plight of these Victoria`s Secret models. Last time she saw me with the catalogue, I got a nice scolding. “You are now married. It is time you stop all this,” she said. I tried to make her understand that I was only trying to give back to the society what I had got from it. She would not buy my reasoning.

By the way, today evening she plans to burn the catalogue.

Categories
Uncategorized

The other side of life

My parents have always told me, never believe the feedback that you get on your face. For once, they were correct.

The positive comments on my writing style, humor and attitude, left by scheming visitors kept me me in the dark, false World where I was made to believe that I was the greatest blogger since…whatshisname…ouchmytoe. But I was to be proved wrong. All the while, the same people had been Voting against me.

Now, you would ask me…how I got to know of the nefarious activities of the junta. It is simple. I had a link called “How`s my writing style?” from my blog. The unsuspecting readers had to choose between four options –

1) It is wonderful!
2) Good
3) Not Bad
4) Terrible. Let me go!

As the graph would show you, 76 per cent thought my style of writing was terrible. And mind you, 76 per cent here does not mean distinction.

If you thought that`s end of the story, you are highly mistaken. What the unsuspecting junta doesn`t know is that I have been keeping a tab on the options you have been choosing. Not to mention the IP addresses. Now, God save you.

Of course, salvation is just around the corner. All you need to do is…Click Here and say my blog is wonderful!

Categories
Uncategorized

Kitchen – place to rule

I wonder why Alexander the Great was ready to risk thousands of his soldiers` lives (not to mention his own) and conquer the whole World. Or for that matter the Mongol King Genghis Khan.

What did they get out of their never-say-die pursuits that led to such mayhem? I would never know. But one thing is for sure I am an aspiring Alexander the Great. I might not want to conquer the whole World, but I would want to have a space in my house that I could call my own. So I am on a conquering binge.

I tried out the master bedroom, but Rekha is a regular visitor. After the initial setback, I opted for our second bedroom, but we have the iron board there and every morning she spends an hour and a half ironing her clothes. The pre-marriage offer included ironing my clothes, but that clause was conveniently forgotten after marriage.

The balcony is no different. Sixty-year-old men staring at me spoil quite evenings at the balcony. They even dress up before they come and stand before our balcony to catch a glimpse of Rekha. The number of oldies coming in has increased ever since actress Rekha was named MTV Maha Style Icon. I even have secret information that they have daily wagers on whom Rekha will wave at.

Now coming back to my pursuit, I tried the washrooms. Not quite hygienic but that has never been an issue. Once when I was enjoying the purity of silence, I heard her shout: “Rajan, you are anyways inside the loo, why don`t you clean the closet. Lizol is on the window sill!” That did it, and I decided that the washroom was not the place I wanted to rule.

I got my space by accident. Or should I say luck. I went to the kitchen to drink water and some how fell asleep. I did not wake up for two days and even Rekha was not able to spot me. An FIR was filed, and a Police search party found me sleeping between the two gas cylinders.

From then on, I have been the king of the Kitchen. Rekha never comes here….

Categories
Uncategorized

Some number crunching

All of a sudden I realized I have been blogging for more than a year now. Guess, it was time for some stock taking. Just when I had given hope, I realized that Go Stats could provide me with the information. For those who do not know how many people visit their blogs..or from where they come, I suggest they take a looksie at the site.

As for my blogging progress…looks like I really turned the corner when my blog was showcased on the Hot Sizzling Blogs section of Rediff in May.

In the graph, the black worm depicts the Unique Visitors the blog as had and the white worm depicts the total pages viewed. Needless to say, the X-axis (horizontal) shows the time-line while the Y-axis (vertical) gives the numbers.

Also, the site has been re-designed. Please do give your feedback.

This table line-graph was done in Excel. And Excel can be learnt here.

Categories
Uncategorized

When the mobiles fell silent

The French, connoisseurs of art that they are, are planning on jamming mobile signals at entertainment joints where people come to see theatre, movies or for that matter hear orchestra.

Pretty good move by a country, where having beer at work is fine with everybody. Now, there would be no disturbance while the French entertain themselves.

According to the order, the jamming equipment needs to be installed in the premises by the owner of the joint. And he should ensure that the emergency calls reach the mobile owners. Now, how is he going to do it? Hire somebody who can keep an eye on the radio waves with an emergency tag, perhaps. Forgive me if its not radio waves…the only other waves I know is microwaves.

Of course, the French will miss statements like “I-can`t-hear-you-I-am-in-a-theatre,” “Can-I-call-you-back-I-am-in-a-meeting,” or for that matter the one that takes the cake – “I-am-busy-right-now-can-I-call-you-in-an hour?”

If you spare a thought for all those obnoxious, self-centered people like me, who always want to hog the limelight, you would realize it wouldn`t be easy on us. Even since I bought a mobile ten years back, I have learnt to use it to further my gains….to promote myself. Eg. If the I guy I was speaking to on my mobile asked, “Dai, coming for a smoke?” I would say: “No man. You guys go ahead. Here I have another meeting to attend to. Will join you guys when I am free.”

On second thoughts, why am I even worried about something that is about to happen in France? Beer in workplaces is accepted there…and the practice is yet to reach India even after 100 years. You think the mobile jamming bit is bigger than that?

Categories
Uncategorized

What is in a name – a lot

Growing up in India can be difficult. Especially, if your name was Jamshed Velayuda Rajan Ramaswamy. I have endured my name for long…but now I am wondering if I should change it to…Robin Wood…or maybe William Won`t Tell…or perhaps Shake The Sphere. Don`t blame me for the name change. I myself shudder to think of the logistics of it. But enough is enough.

Legend has it that patriotic reasons helped me land this name. How much I wish I were awake during the naming ceremony; I would have never let my father run away with all the credit.

‘Jamshed` was the Parsee and Muslim part, ‘Velayuda`, the Hindu element and ‘Rajan` the Christian fraction. For the record Velayuda means Lord Murugan in Tamil and Rajan is a popular Christian name among Malayalees. Or so my parents thought.

Few critics in the family believe that my father could have been led by Jamshedji Ratanji Tata`s success in deciding my name. Wonder if my father had such high expectations from me.

In case you haven`t guessed, I was born in Jamshedpur, Bihar. Now you know where I get my monkey tail from – from the land of Laloo!

Over a period of time, I would shed parts of my name. Firstly, I dropped my surname- Ramaswamy. With no time, I became JV Rajan.

This was a phase when my stupid friends started calling me TV Rajan. Don`t know if it had to do with that experiment of mine…where in an attempt to create a mega magnifying glass, I would drill a hole in our TV`s picture tube and fill it with water.

My motivation, you might ask…but only days earlier I had broken off the aluminum part of a 100 watts round bulb and filled it with water to convert it into a sort of magnifying glass. Not content with smaller achievements, I would move on to the picture tube of our huge EC TV. For the record the TV was so huge that whenever my mother scolded me, I would get in with food supplies for 2-3 days and escape the World. That was the first time when my mother saw me on TV. For a moment she even thought I was a celebrity.

(More on this TV thing later).

But today, I have dropped all the three parts of my legendary name. And the World addresses me as Jammy.

*I have always referred to my height in centimeters because 165 cms definitely sounds taller and better than 5 feet 3 inches (or is it 4 inches?).

Categories
Uncategorized

Don’t watch Lion King if you are married

I did and I am repenting. I watched the movie a few days back and thought the concept of Hakuna Matata was cool and worth implementing. But it was not to be.

Hakuna Matata means “Be Happy, no worries.” Something the groovy Bob Marley has already told us in his still groovier song “Don`t Worry, Be Happy.”

If I had embraced the concept when I was a bachelor, it would have meant shopping with my credit card at 50% off committee halls, having lunch at spicy, oily restaurants and coming home for a beer in the evening. Which would be followed by a hilarious English movie, before I pissed off my beer, had some noodles for dinner and went to sleep.

Now, things have really changed. It did not take Rekha (my wife of 39 days) a long time to realize that I had embraced hakuna matata – some kind of new-world Buddhism that the Disney World has been preaching.

Now, I was happy and gay. Less of gay, to tell you the truth. I was plying my own trains between the kitchen and the drawing room and was my own orchestra while bathing. So much so, at b`fast, I was treating myself to five-star service.

Rekha knew her moment had come and placed these requirements –

1) I make tea on all week-ends
2) I take out the garbage every night
3) I take up the responsibility for the plumber, electrician and any such contact with the outside alien world.
4) Wash the clothes every alternate day (Sorry…am not telling whose clothes…)
5) Take her out to buy vegetables every Sunday morning.
6) Get chicken every holiday (except the World Vegetarian Day, which falls on Jan 19 – the day World`s biggest slaughterhouse Iraq was attacked by George Bush. No, I am just kidding. ).
7) Whenever the electricity goes, I am the one who should change the phase.

If only I had not watched the kiddy movie and spoiled my angry-young-man image…Rekha would today still be scared of me. And I would have been the Lion King!

Categories
Uncategorized

The lesson I learnt yesterday

Sometimes life can be really cruel to you. It hurts more when you have been trying to be nice.

Yesterday, it was raining when I left home to reach office in time. I have been using Rekha`s TVS Scooty ever since we came back after marriage. And mind you, she still has a big ‘L` board on her vehicle.

The riding was difficult. The waterlogged roads were epitomes of bottlenecks and the traffic was equally bad. Yet there was no dearth of hitchhikers. Through my wet glasses, which one of these days will be fitted with a pair of wipers, I could see a middle-aged man signal frantically for somebody to stop and give him a lift.

It was raining and here was a fellow human being left with no transport but a pair of legs to traverse the potholes ridden Velachery Road. My heart went out to him. I stopped next to him and shouted to be heard: “Hop on, will drop you on the main road.”

He walked a few steps towards me, and then stood still on his tracks. Despite it being just rain, he froze. And then said: “That`s fine, you go ahead. I will manage.”

I was taken aback. I did not understand.

“Why? What happened? I though you wanted a lift and now you refusing?”

“No sir, that`s fine. You go ahead. I will manage.”

I could hold it no longer. He was testing my patience in pouring rain, and that I can tell you is a difficult test to pass.

“But why?”, I enquired indignantly.

By now, the man had managed to wave down another two-wheeler and was in a hurry to finish the conversation. Even as I sat on Rekha`s TVS Scooty, in pouring rain wondering what went wrong, he would say… “Saar, neengale orru ‘L` Board*” …before vanishing behind a sheet of rain.

*In English it means: “You still carry the ‘L` Board tag.”