Current Affairs

Roger Moore was the funniest James Bond we ever had

Roger Moore, the longest serving James Bond – over 12 years and seven movies – is no more. This is not an obituary but a celebration of the humor and fun Roger Moore was known for. That’s right, Roger Moore was the funniest James Bond we ever had.

In fact, when he was selected as the replacement for Sean Connery, his first comment was on the irony of being James Bond. He is known to have said, “James Bond is not a real spy. You can’t be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That’s just hysterically funny.”

Despite his opinion of the character James Bond, Roger Moore went on to play the character for the longest time possible.

Sir Roger Moore, 89 was a wonderful actor and lovely man who passed away after a brief struggle with cancer. May his soul rest in peace (now that Cold War is over).

He brought both humor and panache to James Bond movies. He was sophisticated and yet unpretentious, which allowed him to see through himself, and his role as James Bond and the Cold War plots he acted in.

He even went to the extent of making fun of his acting skills. He is known to have said: “I am talentless. I have three expressions: eyebrow up, eyebrow down and both at the same time.”

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His sense of humor didn’t take a nosedive with age. It only improved. Once he crossed 70 he is known to have said, “You can either grow old gracefully or begrudgingly. I chose both.” Classy guy, indeed.

Here is one more example of how Roger Moore was imaginative and used his imagination to keep people around him happy. Read both the stories.

One thing he never made fun of was the fact that he may have killed villains across all continents as James Bond, but at home, he was subjected to domestic violence at the hands of his two wives.

Roger Moore was my generation’s, James Bond. He was tough. He was a smartass. He knew how to deliver. While in all his seven James Bond movies he was always on the ‘hunt to kill’ he was a staunch supporter of animals.

Roger Moore never took anything seriously enough and would have wanted us to laugh away his death as well. To celebrate a James Bond life well lived, here are some Bond jokes which would have made Roger Moore smile.

Best James Bond Jokes

Please find below some of the best James Bond jokes we could find on the net.

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Bond Joke 1

Roger Moore is sitting at a bar in his tux, nursing a vodka martini, when a stunning brunette sits at the empty barstool to his left and confidently orders a vodka martini of her own.

BOND: I admire your choice, Miss…?
BRUNETTE: Conda. Anna Conda.  [Looks at Bond’s left hand]. I admire your wristwatch, Mr…?

BOND: Bond, James Bond.  Thanks, it’s an Omega.  A remarkable feat of engineering, if I may say so — I designed it myself.

BRUNETTE [coldly and objectively]: Oh please, do tell.

BOND: Well Anna, in addition to telling the time, it’s a Geiger counter, a powerful magnet, and a saw that can slice through rope.

BRUNETTE [still unimpressed]: All you are saying may be true.  Go on.

BOND: Best of all, it has a high-definition video camera that can store up to 12 hours of footage.

BRUNETTE: I don’t believe you.

BOND: Fine, I’ll prove it to you.  Tell me about…oh, your dress.  [Bond positions the watch so that the camera is focused on Anna, and proceeds to record 60 seconds of footage as Anna describes her clothing.]

BOND: OK, let’s see the recording.  [Bond hits the playback, which to both of their surprise shows 60 seconds of Anna naked in bed making bedroom eyes and lascivious gestures to the camera].

BRUNETTE [horrified]: You presume a great deal, Mr. Bond.  What the hell was that?

BOND: [tapping the watch, annoyed]:  Oh bloody hell, damn thing’s an hour fast.

Bond Joke 2

“Oh come on Melina Havelock, come to bed.”
“No James!” She sighs, “I know you special forces types. You’ll be in and out before I know anything about it.”

Bond Joke 3

Roger Moore’s favorite treat at Christmas time? Mince spies.

Bond Joke 4

Roger Moore: Will I need any other protection?
Q: Only if you don’t want any more children, 007.

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Current Affairs

Humor in Aishwarya Rai’s fashion at Cannes festivals, and other girl fights

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Hey, we all love Aishwarya Rai. Don’t we? I mean, it has been 23 years since she won the Miss Universe and we don’t seem to get enough of her. Aishwarya Rai is 43 years old and we are still drooling over her (Sorry Abhishek!).

Since we are on the subject, let me tell you that the only reason I didn’t marry Aishwarya Rai is because I wouldn’t have liked more than a billion men drooling over my wife. On second thoughts, drooling would have been alright…but that other thing…wouldn’t have been able to semen. Sorry, typo…wouldn’t be able to see ’em.

Class, after all has no expiry. And maybe that’s why even at 43, Aishwarya Rai looked so refreshing in an Indian Cinderella look at the Cannes film festival. This is one Cinderella who isn’t going to run away from the ball.

Am glad she left her pumpkin behind. I am talking about Cinderella’s pumpkin-chariot and not Abhishek Bachchan.

Humor in Aishwarya Rai’s fashion at Cannes festival

But it hasn’t always been an easy ride for the Indian queen of hearts. If you remember, last year Aishwarya Rai at Cannes was a disaster with her purple lips. A few even called it the perplexed purple. Some wondered who her fashion coach was. But we got the answer this year…her coach is a pumpkin. Didn’t get it? (Hint: Cinderella!)

Last year, it was as if Aishwarya Rai was competing with Sonam Kapoor for the funniest dress trophy. But then, Sonam Kapoor won hands down with her rumali roti dress. Yes, that’s what the South Indians had called it back then.

The North Indians didn’t want to be left behind. To compare Sonam Kapoor’s dress to rumali roti was an insult to the North Indians so the upset lot started comparing Sonam Kapoor’s dress to a dosa.

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Finally better sense prevailed and all Indians agreed to call it a pizza and close the discussion. We did drift a bit there with all that information about Sonam Kapoor so let’s get back to Aishwarya Rai.

Last year Aishwarya’s purple lipstick had raised quite a few funny jokes:

Purple lips happen when Asian paints sponsors you

Purple lips happen when black currant is your favorite flavor

Purple lips happen when your husband picks your lipstick

Purple lips happen when you have a flaw in your dress and you want no one to notice it

Purple lips happen when you have kalakhatta just before Cannes festival

Damn, and we went straight back to 2016 Cannes Film Festival. Coming back to the 2017 edition of the Cannes festival, while Aishwarya Rai is in the lead, Deepika Padukone still hasn’t given up the fight.

Missing from this Cannes fight is Priyanka Chopra. Want to know why she couldn’t make it? Well, she is busy doing this.

As for Sonam Kapoor who is also missing from the 2017 film festival edition. Well, she is busy making dosa at home. No, wait, rumali roti. What the hell….pizza!

Current Affairs

President Trump squashed my dream forever and is now celebrating 100 days

30 April, 2017 marks hundred days of Donald Trump as President of USA. Personally, I am a tad upset that United States has to see this day. But then who am I to complain? Even President Donald Trump himself isn’t happy that he is the President of USA. A few days back in an interview to Reuters he said he didn’t expect Presidency to be so hard. This is what he said:

I loved my previous life. I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier.
– US President Donald Trump

So, is Donald Trump going back to being just rich? We don’t know. But his elevation to the helm of USA has been a huge personal blow. So much so that USA is no longer my dream country. It is no longer a country I so desperately want to go to.


Why USA had become my dream country overnight


My parents have always been proud of my acting skills. Whenever our relatives came home my parents would ask me to enact scenes from popular Bollywood movies. And in between Gabbar Singh’s “woh kitne aadmi they?” and enactment of Amitabh Bachchan’s death in the climax scene from the same movie ‘Sholay’ I would be asked, “So, what is your dream?”

My mother had always wanted me to be a doctor and my father wanted me to join the Indian Army. Being the sentimental fool that I was, I wanted to make both of them happy by joining the Indian Army as a doctor. So, my answer to this question was always, “I want to study in Armed Forces Medical College, Pune and become a doctor in the Indian Army.”

One fine day, my answer to the above question changed forever.

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My eighth standard classmate Ikroop Singh had just watched the first episode of ‘Baywatch’ and during lunch break just wouldn’t stop talking about it.

“Does the camera really zoom in on the woman’s chest?” I asked in disbelief.

“Boobs. Not chest,” Ikroop smiled.

“Yes, boobs,” I sheepishly agreed.

“And the women run in slow motion too!” Ikroop chipped in again.

“Wow! I so want to watch ‘Baywatch’ now.” I meant every word.

That’s when Ikroop Singh said something which changed my dream for ever, and has had a far-reaching effect on my life ever since.

“Baywatch is set in United States. In USA, you can watch boobs whenever you want,” he said with a grin.

“Really? I want to live in USA!” I exclaimed.

“It is possible, you know? Just get your green card. Simple.” He said and walked away.

Since that day, if anybody asked for my dream, I would swell up my chest, raise my chin high, spread my arms and rest them on my hips and proudly announce to the world, “I want to own a green card.”

Nobody asked me why I wanted to be a green card holder, but I did get a lot of claps and shouts of ‘Bravo!’

Many years later, I would come to know that green card is never green but that’s beside the point.

It has been 30+ years since this incident and I have seen my share of boobs (if I double count them it is even more!) but I no longer want to be a green card holder.

My love for the United States didn’t waver when in 2011 American Financial Services company Standard & Poor’s downgraded United States top-tier credit rating from AAA to AA-Plus. I agree that the rating does sound like battery size and the name of the rater is prone to manipulation as ‘Poor Standards’ or ‘Standard’s Poor’ but this didn’t affect my love for the country.

I didn’t lose hope when I came to know that the USA owed China more than a trillion dollars in loan. They will pay back, I thought and moved on.

I kept my faith even when they went from one war to another – Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and the Star Trek wars. In fact, I didn’t even mind when Americans were pompous enough to live telecast one of their wars on Television in six parts – remember, the war led by General James T Kirk?

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When USA disappointed itself


My USA aspirations were first dented 100 days ago when Donald Trump became the President of USA.

Sometime back ex-President of United States Bill Clinton, who left the White House with a bit of a stain on his character and a bigger stain on an intern’s skirt had said: “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.” By the time President Donald Trump finishes his term Clinton would have changed it to “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is left with America.”

On April 30, 2017 Donald Trump marks 100 days as President of USA, and let me assure you it hasn’t been pretty watching him from outside of USA. But the folks in United States don’t seem to have any issue with him – they seem to be fine as-long-as Donald Trump supplies joke material for late-night comedy shows on television.

Maybe that is why the political commentators in USA don’t want Trump to go, because then they must work harder for their jokes.

In fact, I won’t be surprised if on his 100th day as the President of USA Donald Trump gets onto the podium, thumps his fist on the podium and claims that his first 100 days as the President of USA had more days than Barack Obama’s first 100 days as President.

So, here’s to Donald Trump’s 100 days – which are more ‘bigly’ than any American President’s first 100 days ever!

Dear Americans, today my prayers are with you. God bless America!