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This post is dedicated to all fathers, whose contribution to child birth has gone unnoticed and unrewarded.

If you have been reading Ouchmytoe for a while now, you probably remember than on 29th March 2007 our daughter Rhea was born in a hospital in Kannur, Kerala. If you remember reading this post on Rhea`s birth you would remember that she decided to NOT take the door and come out of the window instead (meaning it was a C-section or Caesarian, as they call it).

Well, this blog post isn`t about Caesarian births…instead it is difficult of the two options – Natural Child Birth.

Some months back, I was part of a discussion with two of my 29-something-girl-colleagues. Both of them wanted to have babies but were scared of the pain. Being a man, I told them they should face it like a man and deliver when it really counted.

“Come on, you have no idea. Even to think of it scares the shit out of me,” Colleague A said.

“I totally second you. So much so that…I am planning to adopt a baby.” Colleague B said.

I stood there dumb-folded.

“Why don`t you have the first baby, and adopt the second baby?” I spoke like a true man.

The two girls looked at me like they would look at a goat chewing grass and walked away. I didn`t bring up the topic after that.

Yesterday, I met a friend whose wife delivered a baby boy last Saturday. He used to be a bundle of energy…not the baby…my friend….but when I met him, he looked like a bag of old clothes. For those of you who have never seen a bag of old clothes…well, he looked like a new bride just back from a 15-day honeymoon in Mauritius.

“What happened?” I asked. And I guess that was my mistake, for he started his story. Here I present his narration as is…with no ‘Expert` comments of mine.

———–X—————-X————-

“Jammy…didn`t women give birth in caves when the men went out to hunt for food? Why is it that now-a-days they need our support? If back then somebody had said that men have to be holding the lady`s hands while the baby was being delivered, they would have just laughed, scratched their bums, picked their nose, spit out a seed and walked away. Pity we men can`t do it now-a-days.”

“I understand.” I managed to utter.

“You know… I didn`t mind holding my wife`s head while she puked her way to glory in our washbasin. I didn`t mind sitting at the gynecologist, reading the magazine WOMAN`S HEALTH. I didn`t mind being asked to leave the doctor`s room when the male doctor wanted to run some tests on my female wife. I really didn`t mind when I had to hold my wife`s hand and walk at a snail`s pace every evening. I didn`t mind when people stared at my wife`s belly and gave a smile. In fact, I had started to love it.”

“I remember the belly-stares.” I thought my smile would comfort him.

“Man…but when my wife was in the fifth month of her pregnancy, I got the shock of my life. She asked if I could stay in the delivery room while she delivered. I nodded my head unwillingly. How could I hurt her by saying I might end up puking and perhaps even falling unconscious.”

I thanked my stars that Rekha`s was a Caesarian and the doctors asked me to stay outside. But I didn`t show my happiness on my face.

“And then our classes began. In spite of shelling Rs 10,000 for the classes I was forced to attend them. My wife and I would end up every day at the Poly Clinic with two colorful pillows. If you thought carrying two colorful pillows and walking on the road wasn`t punishment enough…factor this…in the first week of our classes we spent time studying the Uterus. As if that wasn`t enough, they told me about the Fallopian tubes and the Ovum…like I wanted to know all that. I agree I had a keen interest in all these when I was in class ten…but that was then. There was curiosity back then. Not anymore!”

“What is a Fallopian Tube?” I enquired. But he didn`t seem to bother.

“I thought the discussions would ease after the first week, but before the end of the second week they had shown us two movies of mothers giving birth to babies. I watched it for real…just that I went out for the washroom 18 times and for water 13 times during the 15 minute movies.”

“Who was the Director?” I asked. But again, he didn`t seem to bother.

“Surprisingly my wife was loving it. In fact, she would want to discuss it on the way back in the car. As if that wasn`t scary enough, they forced me to see a 20 minute movie on how the fetus grows within the womb. Because my wife had caught on my escape tricks…I couldn`t even go to the washroom.”

“Who was the child artist? Was it Haley Joel Osment of Artificial Intelligence? Macaulay Culkin of Home Alone? Or Michael Oliver of Problem Child?” I was curious to know but somehow my friend just didn`t seem concerned.

“If I thought my ordeal would end with just watching scary videos of babies & mothers, I was highly mistaken. For we soon began the breathing exercises. Apparently, around the time of birth pregnant women develop contractions – a pain so painful that you start wondering why you had sex in the first place and got pregnant in the second place.”

“What are breathing exercises? I thought doctors prescribed them for asthmatic patients!” It was me again. Why am I even interrupting? I am anyway not getting any answers.

“It seems while inside the delivery room I have to hold my wife`s hand and ask her to breathe in and out forcefully so that she doesn`t feel as much pain and contractions are effective. The day I came to know of this….I lost all my sleep.”

“And then…?”

And then on the D-day…that would be Delivery-day…I was in the delivery room holding my wife`s hand. I didn`t know she had such a strong grip. When I said “Keep breathing sweetheart” she just gave me a stare and muttered “It is easy for you to say asshole!”. I never said anything after that (all that money given for the classes was a waste after all), and I think I fell unconscious when I heard a baby shriek.”

“Which baby? I inquired. Again, he never heeded to my curiosity and continued on his story telling.

“One would have thought they would give me Glucose and let me rest in peace till I came about. But no, the doctors had other plans. They brought a really dirty and ugly baby close to my face and suggested I kiss him. I didn`t. Just when I was getting up and walking towards my wife the doctor shouted across the room “Want to see your son`s placenta?”. As if we were in Madam Tussaud`s wax museum and he was asking me to see Amitabh Bachchan`s wax statue. I just nodded my head and walked out of the room.”

I didn`t know Madam Tussaud`s wax museum had Amitabh Bachchan`s wax statue! I exclaimed. Then realized my folly and asked him: “But what is the issue…you now have a new member in your family and should be looking forward to it.”

“That`s true. But it has only been four days and my wife says her first child birth experience has been so satisfying that she now wants to have a baby girl as well.”

Some how, “God Bless” escaped my lips.

Post Script 1: Some day I intend to tell my friend that he should suggest adoption to his wife. The selling point…in adoption, she can be sure of a girl.
Post Script 2: Who says only women suffer & sacrifice in pregnancy?

Other Funny Reads

# Rekha and I are proud parents
# Announcing – Pregnancy Diary
# The initial months of pregnancy
# The baby-mother bonding

If you didn`t know what a Zodiac is…well, it is a division of the year into 12 parts…each with a different movement of the sun, moon and the other planets. Since the movement of these celestial bodies is different during different Zodiac divisions…people born during these phase have different characteristics.

Yes, it is true…the celestial bodies decide how you behave.

No, it is NOT true that this blog post is about Zodiac signs & astrology. Instead, this is my attempt to map your Zodiac sign to the right dieting technique so that you can lose weight. Here we go:

Aries (Born between March 21 & April 20)
Aries are also known as the The Ram. Not Sita`s Ram…but the animal Ram (scientific name is definitely NOT Homo Sapiens). To ensure you lose weight stay away from meat, especially if it is Ram meat. Since, Fire is your element…ensure everything is cooked in fire before eating.

Taurus (Born between April 21 & May 21)
Taurus are also referred to as The Bull. Being a Taurean myself, I know that we eat, drink & sleep bull shit. If like me, you are also a Taurean slowly eliminate all bull shit from your diet. Care should be taken to eliminate it slowly for it has withdrawal symptoms. Since Earth is the element for all Taureans…a diet on anything that grows inside the Earth will help in losing weight. For example carrots, radish, potatoes, & earthworms.

Gemini (Born between May 22 & June 21)
Geminis are The Twins and hence you can only achieve weight loss if you work in pairs. The results will be there for all to see if you have an identical twin, who like you is hugely obese….and wants to lose weight. Air is the element for Geminis, and hence a dieting Gemini should try to keep the air intake to the minimum.

Cancer (Born between June 22 & July 22)
Cancer is a big disease. If you are a Cancer, dieting should be the least of your worries….your chemo-therapy should take care of that. A diet of Crabs will greatly reduce your weight. While eating crabs, make sure to leave the shells out else you might end up with a lot of bone weight. Since, Water is your element…drinking a lot of it will result in weight gain. Ever noticed that a drenched towel is heavier?

Leo (Born between July 23 & August 22)
You probably eat like a lion. Try the Hyena trick, which generally works for Leos. But for that you need a wife that eats up most of the food at home and leaves the remains for you when you come back from office. Another sure shot way to lose weight is to get cubs into the family…which will ensure you spend time feeding the Leo cub. For a Leo cub, you need to inseminate or get impregnated in the beginning of winter – October/November – which isn`t difficult, considering the number of Leos we have amongst us.

Virgo (Born between August 23 & September 22)
If you are a true Virgo, you are probably a virgin. Just in case you didn`t know, sex helps burn calories and thus lose weight. Drinking a lot of Bloody Mary (remember, Mary was a virgin?) will also help you lose weight. Sometimes, virginity too.

Libra (Born between September 23 & October 22)
Since your motto is ‘balancing act` you are most likely to succeed in dieting. You will need to weigh everything you eat against the pleasure it will give you and then decide on whether to eat or not. Remember, you have nothing to do with the “scales” on a fish…so you can consume as much fish as possible without the fear of gaining weight. Just don`t go for chicken, else you might end up saying “Dam!” like the fish that hit a wall under the water.

Scorpio (Born between October 23 & November 21)
However hard Mahindra & Mahindra might try to convince you…remember…you are not an off-roader. You need sting in your food…so have a lot of pickle. To lose weight, follow up every morsel of food with a spoonful of pickle. Since, Water is your element you can always have a glass of water after every spoonful of pickle.

Sagittarius (Born between November 22 & December 21)
You are the Archer, so you should try and start hunting & eating. Hunting will help you burn calories, while eating sparrows & crows & squirrels – which are the only wildlife you will find in our cities – will ensure you lose weight. If you are in New York, you might find an occasional dinosaur destroying the city…that`s if some movie shooting is going on.

Capricorn (Born between December 22 & January 20)
Your animal is sea-goat. Being a goat is bad enough, but being a sea-goat? If you want to lose weight, you should indulge in sea food. If you are of marriageable age…see if you can either marry a Bengali or a Keralite for enough of sea food at home. If you are already married to a non-communist (why are both the communist ruled states in India so fish-friendly?)…suggest you rent/buy a house near a good sea-food restaurant.

Aquarius (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Aquarians are ruled by the planets Saturn & Uranus. Saturn will ensure that your mind goes haywire when you see food….while Uranus will ensure that what ever you eat gets out of your digestive system (re-read if you didn`t get this awesome joke!). You are the only Zodiac sign that can eat anything and wash it down in a single flush.

Pisces (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Needless to say, you need to rely on sea food. But only two fish at a time…anything more and you might start putting on weight. My personal advice to all Pisces will be to go for an aquarium at home, but start with at least six fish every day – why go to bed empty stomach?

Other Funny Reads

# Different types of fathers in law
# Jammy`s weakly predictions – Part 1
# Diseases – the evolution
# Check-mate over the phone
# Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man
# The frog in my father in law`s house

I have been dancing since I was just 3 years old. I started off dancing to the tune of my mother, and by 10 when I got beyond her control…I my father took over and gave me the tune to dance to. Around 15, I was dancing to the tune of my physical education teacher at school…and by 20 was dancing to Kavita`s tune – yes, she was my first girl friend. Just that she didn`t know.

When 26, I started dancing to Rekha`s tunes, and one day when I was deeply engrossed …she tied the mangal sutra on my neck and made me her husband. Ever since our marriage, I have danced to her tunes. Now that I have a new girl friend, I have been dancing to her tunes. Believe me, dancing is tiring.

Recently, I was dancing to my girl friend`s tune when an old friend came up to me and asked: “Know why you can never be a good dancer?”

Perplexed, I said ‘No.”

“You are an animal, that`s why you will never be a good dancer.” The old friend seemed tense. From the expression on his face, I could make out that even if I did dance well, he would come home and break my legs.

“You mean in the sense that all human beings are animals?” I enquired for more clarity.

“Yes, and all animals have two left feet.”

“That`s not true. Monkeys don`t.” I protested.

“Dogs do. Cats do. Horses do. Want more?” My old friend was enjoying the domination.

“What about centipedes? They have 100 left feets?” I was not trying to make fun of him…I just wanted to understand the concept well.

My friend got angry and left the place. But he had taught me a lesson. Perhaps, that`s why we human beings dance only when we have to.

Take this young lad for example, who spent half an hour looking at the jam bottle on the table and then started to twist dance. Apparently, on top of the jam bottle was written ‘twist to open`. Don`t believe me? Check out this video.

The problem with dancers is that they always want to be in the front, seen by the audience and applauded.

One of my gay friends, who was into ballet once called me up at 6.30 a.m.. “Jammy, I had a nightmare last night!”

Knowing how excited he could get, I just said: “OK.”

“Wouldn`t you want to know what I saw in the nightmare?”

My friend wouldn`t give in so easily so I said, “Sure tell me about this nightmare that made you get up in the middle of the night at 6.30 a.m. and call me.”

“I was dancing with a group of ballerinas in Amitabh Bachan`s family show.”

“Wow. That`s pretty nightmarish. So what did you do?” I have this knack of saying what my friends want to hear.

“No stupid, that wasn`t the nightmare. I was in the fourth row…and that`s when I started sweating and got up from my sleep and sat down!” My friend was panting, so didn`t have the heart to say that in an Amitabh Bachan family show there are way too many stars.

While on the subject of dancing, here is a joke I picked up from the internet:

––

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly … “My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

––

Other Funny Reads

# When I became a cockroach
# Traveling by Kingfisher Airlines
# When I was a famous jockey
# December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006
# Ice Creams & their funny names

If you aren`t a smart person, you probably think Silicon Valley is Pamela Anderson`s cleavage. No! Just because Pamela Anderson has gone for silicon implants…one can`t take it literally.

Silicon Valley is the southern part of San Francisco Bay Area, Northern California, USA and a region where high-tech companies (and mostly internet-based) come up every day. Way back in 2000 A.D., when I was all of 25 years old I used to have a small company in the Silicon Valley.

This story is about how I lost that company to a sweet talker, and returned home a pauper.

I think it was sometime in April, 2000. I had been in the US for two years and was getting bored. Most of my time was spent in front of the computers thinking of ideas to take over the World. That`s when I decided to chill out….you know…visit a pub or something…pick up women…and bring them home. The plan was simple…turn into a heat-seeking-missile, spot the women, lure them into the trap, and get them home.

Google was then a new search engine on the block…and everybody was raving about it. So I decided to search in Google and find a good bar / pub that I could visit. The first result was a nice place called “Silicon Valley Bar Association.” I took down a second place as well…what if “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was crowded? Behind the back of a paper napkin, I wrote down “Silicon Valley Bar Association” & “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge“. We Silicon Valley people thought that if it wasn`t behind a paper napkin, it wasn`t important.

Unfortunately, “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was a place for attorneys…and indulged in courts & cases. They had nothing to do with chilling out….so I had to walk all the way back towards “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge.”

The problem with “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge” was that…there was a lot of space between me and the others. When you are a heat-seeking-missile, there is a range that you can operate in and beyond that range your signals fall week. Anyway, we Rajans are not known to back off ever – least so in a place throbbing with beautiful women – young, old, married, unmarried…all kinds.

The closest to me was a lady in black…I could see her back. The light shone on her smooth, curved back and I knew that very instant that I had to take this lady home. If possible, also make her my wife.

With the usual gusto that we Rajans are famous for, I stood up, checked my hair to ensure it was in place and walked towards her.

“Hi, looks like somebody needs a little company,” I quipped.

She was as smooth & curved from the front as she was from the back.

“Why? Do you have a company you want to sell?” She sounded so much in control. I made a mental note that this is the kind of women I like.

Somehow, the discussion veered towards my company…and ten minutes after her husband joined her….I had sold my company for a lot less than what it was worth. I did try to bring in ‘time-shares with the wife` as part of the deal…but that didn`t work out either.

Today, I am back in India…and working for somebody else.

Moral of the Story: Men, stay away from the women. They are way too smart.

Other Funny Reads

# A phone conversation with my girlfriend
# Am I turning into a woman?
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# How and when Jammy gets insulted
# Getting locked inside somebody`s washroom
# Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons

There is nothing like sipping white wine in the afternoon, content in the thought that the previous day`s pizza which is now in the refrigerator….is next in line. Any other day I would have preferred red wine. But why drink what you like when everything else in your life is going the other way?

Nah…I am just kidding. It isn`t that bad yet.

My wife has left me for a 45 day vacation. My girl friend will soon be leaving me for another guy. As for my daughter, she has forgotten that I exist. I am told in my daughter`s recently updated dictionary now “father” means the proud, plantain tree in the backyard of my father-in-law`s house. At least she got one bit right – the ‘proud` bit.

For the last 15 days I have been staying alone in Gurgaon, and here is how I have progressed:

Day 1:
Wow! Free again! Man needs his time away from wife. One definitely can`t smile at all the nagging all the time. Four years of marriage is long. Marriage should be a year long contract to be renewed at the end of the expiry date. Each party should be able to pull out of the contract with one month advance notice. Disputes, if any should be settled in the jurisdiction of the Husband`s home town.

Day 2:
Is it OK to walk nude out of the washroom when you are dripping wet to pick up the towel drying on the treadmill? Where are my ironed clothes? Where is the magic cupboard from where ironed clothes keep coming out every day? Socks? Why are they so small…can`t we have bigger socks so that they don`t get lost? Can`t a single sock be made…so one isn`t left with one in hand and another God knows where?

Day 3:
The two utensils that can be used to make tea are in the sink. Can`t have tea. Is Pepsi a good supplement for tea? In MBA classes they did mention that nimbu pani, tea & lassi are Pepsi`s competitors! Ironed clothes are fast running out. Is ironing other`s clothes still a career option? Are people still doing it? Where do they stay…how do I find them?

Day 4:
Damn! Soap slipped and fell in the potty. I know there is unused soap in the house. Where is it? Idea…let me use the small soap I picked up from Land`s End in Mumbai when I stayed there for three days….six years back. Split between corn flakes & oats. Corn flakes wins because the only utensil in which oats can be cooked is in the sink.

Day 5:
Shoes are dirty. Where is the shoe brush? Can I use the tooth brush and wash it later? Who is gonna know? Where is the house key? If I didn`t bring it inside the house how did I get in? Did I leave a window open? If I left the windows open did the thieves get in before I did? Did they hide under the bed to avoid detection? And slid out of the house when I dozed off? Check if everything is in place….don`t know what is where…but my laptop is safe. They definitely didn`t walk away with the internet connection.

Day 6:
Should I take up dieting? Instead of saying I slept hungry coz there was no food it feels better to say I was dieting. On second thoughts….Is Corn Flakes a good meal for dinner? Maybe for dinner I can have corn flakes with curd. For breakfast it can be had with milk. Wow…a balanced diet.

Day 7:
There are no clean undies to wear. Wear them inside out? Will colleagues know? Not till the boss strips me pants down….and that`s not gonna happen. Some consolation that I am not superman…else dirty undies will show.

Day 8:
When the tomato sauce is over…. pizza goes well with mango pickle. Why do Indians eat pizzas with tomato sauce?

Day 9:
Started drinking a lot of water – drinking out of the pressure cooker helps. All glasses in the sink. Ants on white marble floor make a good sight. But where are they all rushing? What can be the hurry in a bug`s life?

Day 10:
Girl friend busy with boyfriend (which unfortunately isn`t me). She is also out of town, so phone calls are getting costlier. Enough. I am missing my family. Independence comes with a certain amount of problems – wonder if Gandhi & Nehru also felt the same way 10 days after Indian independence?

Day 11, 12, 13, 14 & 15 have been equally good (positive, aren`t I?). In short…I have run out of patience to complete this article…so here it ends.

Have you downloaded the best of Ouchmytoe, yet?

Other Funny Reads

# How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
# Much married, much harried
# Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
# Traveling makes one intelligent…
# Group dynamics in a married man`s house

When a man makes a woman his wife….it is the highest compliment he can pay her. In 95% of the cases it is the last compliment. In the other 5% of cases, the last compliment is when the bags are being packed at the honeymoon location.

In most of these cases, this last ‘honeymoon` compliment is an indicator of the things to come. Here are some examples:

“You look good in a Saree!”
Meaning, the jeans that you are wearing now is bursting at its seams.

“You have worked hard this honeymoon, why don`t you sit and let me pack.”
Meaning, your packing is bad that we will need two extra bags.

Anyway, the brief is…making a woman your wife is the biggest compliment you can give her.

Ten years back my father gifted me a book by Dale Carnegie titled ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People`. It is a self help book that`s been on the New York Best Seller`s list for a whopping ten years and has sold 15 million copies so far. OK…now 15 million and one…now 15 million and three….now 15 million and four…. now 15 million and six….now 15 million and nine…

In the book, Dale Carnegie wanted me to compliment people no matter what. I began the practice 10 years back and have mastered the art. In the last ten years, I have complimented every person I have met at least once daily. So much so that I have run out of ideas.

Over the years I have also learnt never to give a compliment expecting a receipt for it. Especially because I am one dull and boring looking person – it only makes the life of the compliment receiver tough….makes him lie…and then go to hell.

Yesterday, with nothing else to say…I looked at my colleague Himanshu Mishra and said, “Nice shoulders!” He gave me a stare then and during lunch accosted me in the washroom. After a mild struggle, I managed to free myself and save my virginity.

Complimenting girls was easy earlier. I would start with the headband and work my way to the bindis, earrings, bangles, then to the anklets and then their high-heels.

With time, I wanted to improve on the quality of my compliments and ended up asking them to marry me. After all, didn`t somebody say that the best compliment you can give a lady is asking her to marry you?

Out of the 100s of girls I have asked out ….eight have agreed. What do I do? I am in a fix…please help!

Other Funny Reads

# Appreciating people who are different
# Am I turning into a woman?
# When deodorants got banned
# Maggi & Me – How Maggi has influenced my life
# Taking revenge, the Jammy way