Month: June 2004

Diamonds mean a lot to women

Diamonds are real…problems. At least for the men. For the women it is a boon. I mean, what else can it be, when it helps you further your standing among the other women, yet you do not have to pay for it.

I know how it feels because I have once bought a diamond for my girl. Despite the fact that it was a dream, the feeling was nightmarish. Now, I cannot even dream of giving my girl a diamond.

For one, it gives her a false feeling that I care for her. And as if that was not enough she miscalculates the depth of my wallet and keeps mining for other things reserved for the elite of the society.

As of now we are not married, so I guess I have some elbow room to maneuver, but once we get married, I think I might be in trouble. But I might be forced to buy a diamond on the day we get married, or if finances permit, maybe on our first anniversary. Just wanted you to know that she is watching me as we type this.

When I decide to buy the piece of crap that my girl wants to hang around her neck, I will have to go alone. Never has woman walked into a De Beers showroom with a man, and come out happy. She might pretend to be happy, but deep down inside she is upset because she wanted the bigger diamond – the one, her man could not afford.

I had once been to De Beers, to buy a diamond for my ex-boss’ mistress. Here are two things I did not understand:

1) How can De Beers afford to sell a diamond listed 25K for just 15K, and yet make profits? Well, that`s the amount of discount they offered me.
2) When you end up bargaining, they say “fixed price”. But once you show you are determined, they say, “Sir, we do not make much profit on such small diamonds.”

Yeah right! Then how come you wear Armani suit, a Tissot watch and drive a Mercedes?

The White House Intern

I know, it could seem a little out-dated, but what to do. This occured to me while I was taking bath. Now, do not ask me what I was doing!

Get the message?

According to a survey, 70 per cent of all mails sent over the net are spam. And within the next few years, the figure is expected to reach 90 per cent. All this will happen from London, where laws for spammers are not so severe.


Ever thought how it would be to receive spam in your mobile? Well, to start with, it would be nice. You could get to know the local events – garage sales, exhibitions, food festivals etc. Slowly, you will also be getting messages from fitness centers, educational institutions and Churches – in short messages you are not keen on.

Philip Kotler`s next edition of Marketing Management will have a new chapter Mobile Marketing. And you will come across business units that are into sending messages to mobiles all over the world – in short, Mobile Marketing.

“So, what do you do for a living,” you would ask your cousin.
“I send mobile messages to the people. Will have to send 3,000 messages tonight – we are a 24×7 operation you see.”

Soon 90 per cent of the messages we get will be spam. And since we will learn to delete the messages without reading, the powers-that-be will come up with a genuine idea – their first spam to your mobile will have something called a Mobile bug.

Once in your mobile, every message you get from that marketer will be made to look as if it came from one of the guys/gals listed in your phone book. Now, you will never be able to delete the messages without opening them. Your mobile will say – Message from Mother. And when you open it, the message will read “Get the best of colored, scented condoms at Tri-Color Condoms, Adayar, Chennai. Door delivery for order of more than 100 condoms.” Dont ask me how you going to use them!

With so many messages to read you will spend atleast four hours of your waking time reading messages. Soon it will eat into your working hours, and your employer who anyways was not very keen in having you, will show you the door. With no money to even eat, you will eventually sell your mobile. And lead a peaceful life.

On why I hate old men in post offices with a postcard in their hand

I have to tell you about this gentleman I met in the post office.

I being a man of old thoughts and beliefs was entering the post office to send some money to my parents. And it was near the huge red post box that adorns most post offices that I met him.

“Sir, I cannot read or write, could you help me write a letter,” he said.

The man`s brashness upset me, and I almost ended up suggesting that it was not hard to guess his educational background.

Anyways, the good in me took over, and I readily agreed to do him the favor. We went inside the post office, and I started writing the letter on the post card he gave me.

The old man dictated as if he was some corporate honcho and I went about my job as if I were Lily, the silly.

“Here, you go old man. Your letter is complete,” I said after I finished.

“Just the address sir,” he requested.

“Fine,” an indignant me replied.

After I was finished with writing the address, he had another request.

“Sir, could you please sign at the end of the letter. My name is Mohana Karrupan.”

I had given up resistance, and went about signing his name.

I saw a smile on the old man`s face. I was happy, that I had done my good deed of the day. But the old man`s smile slowly vanished…and he seemed worried.

“Now what?” I asked.

He said, “nothing sir. Just wanted you to add a line at the end of the letter.”

“What line?” It was about to blow my top.

“Just that I am in a hurry, and hence the bad hand writing,” the old man announced.

I have never been to that post office since. Neither have I insisted on one good deed a day.

Improving night life in Chennai

In Singapore there is a bus service called Pub-crawlers. It picks up people who intend to do some pub hopping at a nominal price of $35 per night and take them to four different pubs in the city…each night. Pretty innovative.

The service has been around for a year now (actually, I am lying. I don`t even know if such a service really exists).

The service is so popular, that the owner has already bought a car. If you think that is a small achievement, picture this. To get a driving license in Singapore, one needs to pay $3000 as trainer fee to the guy who will teach you driving, and then invest in a car that will cost you anywhere between $ 100,000 to $10,00,000.

Was wondering, if such a service would sell in Chennai. Maybe, maybe not. But if an entrepreneur intends to borrow the idea and diversify he could mint money. Here are a few options with him –

Water Gatherer: This bus service will start around 9 p.m., just after the Corporation water tankers finish their round of water distribution. The idea would be to beat the tanker traffic, and wriggle your way to other sources of water like idling hand pumps, muddy public wells and points where the corporation water pipes are broken. The final stop will be the Marina beach. But that would be resorted to only if the earlier stops do not yield enough water.

Liquor store hopping: In Singapore, since the cost of owning a car is high the pub-crawlers are a big hit. But in Chennai, a guy who can afford a pub should invariably own a car. Proof: I do not own a car and do not go pub hopping. Hence, how about liquor store hopping? All shops close at 11 p.m. And for all those drunkards like me who get drunk and then look for more it is a nightmare. We would really welcome a bus service which could take us to all those joints where rum, whiskey, vodka blah blah are slid from under the shutters under the watchful eyes of policemen, well after 11 p.m. The only hitch is, the bus will have to be washed every morning (thanks to the overzealous drinkers like me) with Domex. But then, don`t we want to have a cleaner Chennai?

The Anti-Manager campaign

I generally despise Managers. The others get to do the work, and these guys walk away with all the accolades.

Even if they knew nothing about let us say subject A, they would wax eloquent on the topic till kingdom come..and would never give up. I wonder, what all I could accomplish, if I had the time they had. But one good thing I like about the Managers is, they never give up.

But then, as they say all good things come to end, the managers will become extinct. I think. With time, humans will become intelligent and realize that nobody needs a well-salaried, high-heeled gentleman (or woman) to just sit and watch work being done.

In short, the human race will identify them as fattest mammals lying around doing nothing..well..not exactly the fattest…there would be the dead whales.

Here are a few alternative jobs I would suggest –

– Space Securities: All Managers will be dispatched to the stratosphere and left there with their space suits on. Their job will be to watch out for asteroids on collision path with Mother Earth, and warn NASA and Bruce Willis` team in advance.
– Human Chimps: Cosmetics that were previously being tested on chimps could be tested on these guys. They need not do anything, just sit there with face-pack on their face.
– Electrical Testers: With the ban on plastics, Electricians will not be able to carry those traditional testers, which light up when they come in contact with electricity. All electricians will be accompanied by a Manager, who will step in for the tester – by inserting his finger into the nook and corners of the Electrical Boards.

Note: These suggestions have nothing to do with my hatred for Managers.

The Sexy Mafia

I know this girl
And I think she is mafia.
Shes a BOMB herself.
Now, that’s a handy weapon.

She also sells opium
For when I near her
I get a high.

An expert in unarmed combat,
She just has to touch me.
And I cave in.

Shes got weapons hidden
Underneath her jacket
That could blow my head apart.

She avoids the public glare.
Prefers `secret’ redenzvous.
But I dare not.

For I am a man of virtues,
A man quite chaste.
Joining a mafioso is ….er..
Not upto my taste!!!

– jamshed `Corleone’ rajan

Tipping the Scales

It is very true that the rich are less generous than the poor. The best example lies in the tip that we leave for the waiter, once the meal is over. A good tip will be/should be 15% of the cost of the bill. I know that is on the higher side, but that is the way it works.
I do not leave a great tip…about Rs 10 for every hundred…at the max…which means I should have dinned with a girl, who agreed to come home….. It is a no-brainer, that this does not happen with me…hence I always end up paying much less.

No wonder, I keep getting hints from the waiters wherever I go. Esp if I am going to a restaurant for the second time. They seem to say, “Ok, last time was not a great harvest, how about tipping me appropriately this time.”

Here is one such incident….a little exaggerrated.

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