Here are two things I came across today.
1) When you rearrange the letters in ‘MOTHER-IN-LAW` you get ‘WOMAN HITLER.` Why am I not surprised?
2) Today (20th May) something amazing is going to happen…something that doesn`t happen every other day. At 8.05 pm today the time and date will be: 2005 2005 2005 (20:05 20/05/2005). Now, thats something huh?
On Divorce
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
– Robin Williams
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
– Woody Allen
American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.
– Elinor Glyn
In our family we don’t divorce our men. We bury them.
– Ruth Gordon
The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.
– John Kenneth Galbraith
Divorces are made in heaven.
– Oscar Wilde
On Marriage
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
– Mae West
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
– Clint Eastwood
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
– Rita Rudner
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
– Voltaire
Wonder why I could find only four nice quotes on marriage but had plenty to choose from on divorce!!
Have you ever tried having a conversation with somebody from the Finance department in your office? Chances are you hated the conversation. If you liked the conversation, chances are you also work for the Finance department. They always end up talking of money.
The Finance people are only slightly better than LIC agents. Robinson and I were very good friends till the time he turned a LIC agent. Now, I hide when I see him approaching. Sometimes he manages to catch up (he used to be a 100m runner in school while I was more of a marathoner) and makes me stare at death in close quarters. When last heard, his wife left him because he always spoke of accidents, theft in houses, burning of shops, losing a limb, losing a job….nothing positive.
While talking of negative things, people working in the Quality Department (QC) are the worst. Throughout their lives they find fault with the work others have done. And they end up doing the same once they go back home.
A typical Quality person while entering his house always say: “And why is this chair in the middle of the house?”
Or perhaps: “Why didn`t anybody plug the gap created by somebody leaving the door ajar?” Didn`t understand? Don`t worry nobody understands QC people.
If there any bunch of professionals who can give the QC people a run for their money…. They are the proof readers. I have worked in newspapers and I can tell you from experience. Employed by the newspaper publishers to spot errors in the articles written by the newspaper`s editorial..just before it goes to print…these men…know how to be picky. Typos, extra full stops and even that occasional extra space do not escape these men.
They carry it to their families, who care too hoots about being spic and span. I still remember a proof reader I worked with when in Indian Express. Legend has it that Balu (as he was affectionately called) sat down and corrected all the mistakes in his son`s answer sheet even though he had scored 100/100. But 100 marks is not the issue here…the issue is…it was a mathematics answer sheet.
There are some other professions equally dangerous –
1) Engine drivers, who have this habit of hooting in the middle of a conversation to attract your attention
2) The Zoo keepers, who have this habit of maintaining an arms distance while conversing.
3) The photographers who try to focus really hard and turn the conversation boring.
4) The dentists, who by the time you finish the conversation leave you with a few teeth less.
5) Gynecologists, who converse with the wives and ask the husbands for money
6) Mathematicians, for whom the art of conversation is one big problem.
It is not easy being in showbiz. You got to be a show off, and you got to have something to show off. Like for example long, never-ending legs. Or a figure of 32, 28, 32. I am just close…34, 34, 34.
Isn`t that the ‘size` of every other model that walks the ramp on fashion Television? No, I was not referring to 34, 34, 34.
Yesterday, I had Monday blues. As a result I was left in the house…all alone with nothing to do. Rekha works…in the office.
At 9.30 a.m. I switched on our Television and started surfing. By chance…and only by chance…I landed at Fashion TV. Quite a channel.
As I sat there looking at the models walk the ramp, I was reminded of what my Grand Mother once said. “Why don`t they give these people a chair to sit? They must be tired after all that walking.” she had enquired innocently.
For the not-so-good-with-the-women-folks…all the models look alike. Some in my village even think they are advanced versions of the mechanized dolls kept outside of the shop to say Namaste. Their walk, their standard grin, and the way they turn and leave…only to smile during their second trip on the ramp with their Fashion designer…. is so mechanical.
So aptly named models. Here are some synonyms to the word Model: clone, copy, copycat, dead ringer, ditto, dummy, duplicate and effigy.
Not just the models, but also the Fashion designers are mechanized. They always have standard lines to say. Here is a conversation I heard on TV. The Fashion designer was speaking to a media person –
“You just finished a successful fashion show. What was the key to success?” the media man asked.
“These designs are from my heart. The man that I am…my whole self…I just tried to put them in the form of clothes.”
(Yeah Right. What about stupidity? We never noticed them on the clothes.)
“Ho..nice. So what would you recommend for today`s men?”
“I think today`s man knows what he wants. But still I would suggest a lot of earthy color.”
(Boss…for how long have you been suggesting earthy colors? If you are to be believed earthy Colors have been in vogue since the release of the Hindi movie Mother India).
The Media person is perplexed. Yet asks the next question: “What do you suggest the ladies?”
“I would say…stick to the essence of India. Bring out the bride in you. Let the World know what you are.”
(I know you said the same thing in your previous interview to India Today. And all yoru fellow mates in the industry also sound so similar)
The media person holds back a chuckle and keeps working. Looks like he also hates his job. After all, he has to put up with A%$##les each day.
The media person`s parting question: “Anything for the FTV viewers?”
“Yes…I watch FTV six hours a day, and it is an amazing channel for kids and elders alike.”
(Just make sure you kids and elders don`t watch it together)
Are you having problems with the latest version of Yahoo Messenger? Do you have to re-start often, or does your system hang all of a sudden…chances are the latest version of Yahoo Messenger is eating up your system resources. I would suggest you visit this url, download an earlier version of Yahoo Messenger and have fun. At the above-mentioned url you can download all versions of Yahoo Messenger ever released….
Men have this incurable habit of staring at girls. It is an inborn talent and is hard to leave behind once you get committed. This guide is aimed at helping out all hose men (and boys) who get caught by their wives and girl friends …and other girls on whom enough has been invested.
Many ask me how I manage to stare in spite of being a happily married man. I have a five-word answer for them all. Be Smart and involve your wife.
If you are married or have a girl friend, chances are you have stopped staring. If you haven`t stopped yet…chances are you are getting caught daily. If you haven`t got caught yet…chances are your wife/girl friend doesn`t care because she has some other love interest.
Or you are smart. Like me. Whatever your reasons are, it makes immense sense for you to continue reading because the staring is like Information Technology – you got to keep yourself updated with the latest or you lose your job. In this case, your wife, girl friend or …whatever.
Girls (and women) like to be complimented. And it is common knowledge. What many men don`t know is…they love to hear ‘bad things` about other girls. And it is this weakness that we men have to use to our advantage.
Here is one recent conversation between my wife and me.
Situation: We are waiting in front of Satyam Complex, a theatre in Chennai and I spot a very pretty girl. A real stunner. In short, she was to girls what I am to men.
“Rekha, check out that girl. Do you think she is color blind…look at her clothes.”
“Why they are not so bad,” a suspicious Rekha retorts.
The trick lies in sounding as honest as possible.
“I mean, why would anybody want to wear purple with black?” I argue. All this while I am staring right at her..and with full knowledge of my wife.
“That`s not purple..that is sky-blue.” She looks at me.
For a brief moment, I look at Rekha …stare right into her eyes and say…”Look at you..the beige goes so well with your brown trousers. That is what I would call a killer combo.”
“Well…yeah…” Rekha doesn`t complete the sentence.
By now the girl`s boyfriend has come and they have left the scene. I am also done.
The whole idea is to spot the girl first and then discuss about her with your wife/girl friend. That will give you enough time to stare.
Incase your girl spots a pretty girl first…just let go. React only if you spot the girl first. I say this because…as soon as our wives and girl friends spot a pretty girl…they invariably turn towards us (without our knowledge of course) and see if we are staring. This is the time for you to build/gain her confidence. If this is repeated a few times…you will gain her confidence…and life will take a turn for the better.
One word of caution is never let down your wife/girl friend. Your wife could be one sack-ful of rice…but never bring that up.
Also while talking of the target, don`t go overboard with statements like “She is not pretty at all,” or “I hate her dress” or “Look at her hairstyle..it sucks.” I warn you because…girls know when we are lying and when we don`t. Keep your comments straight and simple.
Here are a few statements you should not use to attract your wife/girl friend`s attention to the pretty girl you want to stare at –
– You think she should get a better tailor? Her churidhaar is too tight.
– Nice heels..makes her look good from behind.
– Where did she get that tight T-shirt from?
– Do you think she is taller that I am?
– What do you think would be her mobile number?
– Would you want me to get her mobile number for you?
– Wonder where she stays.
– You think your marriage saree would suit her?
Even after practicing these tips…if you still end up getting caught…get back to me.
Today, Ice creams are not a rare commodity….thus turning the life of husbands (and in some cases boy friends) a torture.
Not so long back, they were a rare commodity. Back then, kulfis were the big thing. Not to mention the ‘noodles` ice stick (it would have semiya embedded). Some say, that was the beginning of the embedded technology.
Last night I was forced to take my wife Rekha out at 10.30 p.m.. She had this sudden urge to eat an ice-cream. I think I was asleep in front of the TV when she had this urge…and as a result I was pulled out of my shorts and T-shirt and dumped into my shirt and trousers and locked out of my house. I had no other option but to follow her to the Baskin and Robbins …some five kilometers away.
Once inside, we got the menu. It had the names of the combinations – very posh names….followed by a brief description of what it was. It took Rekha half an hour to decide what she wanted to have. All the while I was looking at the descriptions…to me they looked totally different…..like this….
Nutty Affair
A dash of ice-cream with all the nuts in the world. Exclusively prepared for rest of the nuts in the world.
Belly Dance
If you going to have this one, nothing can stop you gain a nice big belly which would dance to your tunes…as and when you want.
Roller Coaster
Want to feel like how you felt when you last went on a roller coaster? This ice-cream is just the right concoction you were looking for. It will make you nauseated.
Ice Berg
What you will see in your bowl is just 10% of what we are billing you for. After all…only 10% of any ice-berg is visible above the water surface. Got you!
Fruity Fantasy
Even as you are in the Fantasy world, we will strip you naked by filling your bowl with cheap seasonal fruits that we get at a still cheaper rate because we buy in wholesale.
Brown Sugar
This is the one we sell for the true-blue addicts. Just to make sure you come back yearning for more we add a dash of real-time brown sugar to this one. When you get your stomach cramps and start sweating…you know where to head!
Fig & Honey
Did you read it as Fig? Sorry that`s a misprint…it should have been Pig. This ice-cream borrows its origin from the Serbian practice of dipping the pig in honey before roasting it at the altar of hunger.
Calorie Shock
Think the bill that follows this offer would be biggest shock? You would be surprised when you clutch your heart and rush to the doctor only hours after having this ice-cream. Don`t tell we did not warn you!
Spanish Delight
It is all brown, and it is not chocolate. If you a Spanish, you probably recognize the dung that is collected from within the arena after each bull-fight. But then, this is Chennai and we don`t expect any Spanish to visit us. Did we just give away our secret recipe?
Royal Yatch
This is where we really take you for a ride. Not different from any other plain vanilla (pun intended) ice-cream…all we do here is strategically place a wafer on top. That too only half…and we don`t do that to cut costs. Doesn`t half of a wafer look like a sail?
Mad Rush
We have this reserved for all those who come, take four chairs each to sit and hang around for hours together…thus spoiling our business. Once you have this…you will have this mad rush to visit the nearest loo. By the way, we don`t have a loo around here.
Knock Out
Even Mike Tyson had a black out when he saw our bill for this offering. Better watch out…this one sure packs a punch.
I generally don`t work hard. I was even known as the hardly working journalist when I was with The New Indian Express. Now don`t ask me what is so new about that newspaper. Haven`t you heard of that joke wherein somebody said: “It took an illiterate man to build the Rs 99000-crore business empire called Reliance and it took an MBA from the Wharton and another from Harvard to divide it.”
Same was the case with the Indian Express family. On second thoughts…I think we should have never named the Leander-Bhupathi duo, Indian Express….they also parted ways. The difference is – Mahesh Bhupathi doesn`t call himself The New Leander Paes.
Not funny? You got to excuse me because I am not used to hard work. And today I have worked hard. Well, at least I walked around gripping a few sheets of white paper, my two arms hanging by my side like the two peels of banana skin that hangs on the side while you nibble at the fruit.
My hair is all disheveled. I also make it a point to not comb the hair on my ears. My grandfather once said it was lucky to have hair on your ears. I tried to argue that he was consoling me…but he stuck to his views. Till the day he died, he maintained that hair on the ears was a lucky thing. I still don`t believe him because he never left me anything in his will. Guess it is not lucky after all.
Anybody who saw me today would have known that I worked. I even made it a point to pour ink on my shirt. Since I don`t use ink…I had to ask the office boy to buy ink from a nearby shop.
Guess, it is the hard work showing. Or is it the jogging that I went for in the morning?
While on hard work…how about two very good quotes on the concept…
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
– Edgar Bergen
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’
– Don Marquis