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My work interfered

My apologies. I was held up with work. Not my fault. Who doesn`t get held up with work. At last count more people get held up due to work than those due to traffic.

I love it when somebody calls out “T.G.I.F” when I enter office. It is a sweet smelling, melodious word which means “Thank God, It is Friday.” I accept, sometimes, I have to remind them that it is not Friday yet. How do I remind them? “S.H.I.T” is the abbreviation, which means, “Sorry Honey, It is Thursday”.

My Monday fever rises to such levels that on Mondays I walk into the office with a resignation letter. Enough of these 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. jobs, I tell myself, and walk in. But soon the dust settles down and by afternoon…I am ready for another week`s haul.

I once tried setting up a business and went to my Bank manager for advice.

“How do I set up a small business?” I asked him.
“Simple. Buy a big one, and wait.” He replied.

But I didn`t get de-motivated. I walked up to an entrepreneur friend of mine and initiated small talk.

“So how is business?”

“Business is looking up,” he said. I detected some anguish in his tone and probed him further.

“If business is looking up, why are you upset?”

He chided me for not getting the joke. And later clarified that when somebody says that “business is looking up” it means the “business is lying on the floor…flat on its back”.

Ever since, I have decided to quit trying to be an entrepreneur and concentrate on my 9.a.m. to 5 p.m. (this timing is only namesake) job.

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who works for a top IT company. We had met up after three years at the Central station in Chennai…and could catch up only for a few minutes.

Me: Hey, where have you been all this while?
Friend: Bangalore.
Me: Working somewhere?
Friend: Yes at [Beep].
Me: That`s really good. How long have you been working for them?
Friend: Ever since they threatened to sack me for non-performance.
Me: How is the work atmosphere?
Friend: It was good till the time they found out I had given 5 years experience, when I actually had only one.
Me: What did you say when they enquired?
Friend: I told them, their advertisement mis-lead people like me by saying they were looking for people with imagination and creativity.
Me: You are intelligent.

That was all we could speak before we realized my friend`s train to Banglore had already taken off.

Talking of pre-employment blunders …recently I saw an advertisement seeking drivers for the top executives in the company. It said:

Drivers Wanted. At least five years of experience. Should be willing to travel.

I wonder if there can be any driver on duty who is not traveling! As an extension of the above advertisement, the day is not far when we see adverts like –

Developers Wanted. At least three years of experience. Should be willing to code!

Heard about this Chennai guy?

Heard about this Chennai guy who recently got caught between a concrete wall and a corporation bus? He lost both his left hand and left leg. According to the latest reports…he is all right!

Monday post coming soon. 🙂

I also think Google will take over the World

[This serious article is an attempt by your favorite satirist to turn into a Technological Evangelist. If you hate serious gyan, I would suggest you come back on Monday to read the next post. If you don`t care…go on.]

When you first come to the Internet you come for porn. At least that is what most of my friends say. And I believe them. Google starts out as the search engine helping them find porn. After a while Google and not porn becomes an addiction.

The other day, a friend of mine was searching for information on Samsung D600 …and Google was the first to come to mind. That is normal, you might say. Read on.

She found out that there were seven online shopping malls selling the model. Easy math and she found out the cheapest option…and bought it. It was a customer win. In a real World situation, she wouldn`t have visited seven shops.

The World is getting better for the ‘customer` and that means us…because even as I type, Google is experimenting with free wireless Internet service in San Fransisco. Google will make the money via advertisements but the service will be free. Another customer win.

If the business model works fine, hypothetically Google will be able to provide free wireless Internet access to people all over the World. What does that mean for today`s broadband providers like Sify, Airtel, Tata Indicom, BSNL etc? Do they lose business and wind up? Perhaps.

With Internet access being as important as access to information (that`s what Google CEO Eric Schmidt feels), business sense will ensure that all are connected to the Internet in the next 10-20 years at the maximum. Wishful thinking? Do a trace-route of how far we have traveled in the last seven years and you would realize that the deadline is within reach.

Those connected to the Net will check the cheapest option …and if it were true…won`t go to any Sony showroom or LifeStyle or Spencers or Hi-Style. Why would I waste my time and pay higher when I get it for a cheaper price and from within my house.

Some critics believe people go shopping for the ‘experience`. It is true. But true only till the time you give them alternatives that are equally good if not better. Today, the purchasing power of an average individual (here we are talking of India) is relatively higher than what it was 10 years ago. But the time an average individual has for himself/herself has also shrunk. Options like Google will be seen as time saving devices and embraced. Are we hinting that Google is directly competing with the shopping malls? Perhaps.

Isn`t Google supposed to be international? Isn`t it more apt for global products like a GM car or an Omega watch? What about local products? How do I buy milk if I don`t visit the store? Answers are easy. Have you noticed that in the last 2-3 years the newspapers have turned local? Some did the shift even earlier. The Hindu has supplements like Metroplus, which cater to the local market. Similarly, each newspaper has its own local supplement. This is a trend aped from the US, where local newspapers sell more than the ones like ‘The New York Times` or ‘Washington Post`.

Google has gone local to an extent. If you sit in India and type in www.google.com…you will get www.google.co.in…and the keyword advertisements will be more localised. For example, if you visit www.google.co.in and type in the keyword “Ford” you are more likely to get “Ford Ikon” or a “Ford Fiesta” as a Sponsored Link, than “Ford 150F” – a popular pick-up truck in US. Unfortunately, this doesn`t happen today because Ford India is not a customer of Google keyword advertisements. Ironically, when you search for “Ford” in Google, while sitting in India, Tata Motors` Web site gets displayed as a Sponsored Link.

With better sense prevailing and obviously with time, anybody who is interested in taking his/her business forward will advertise in Google. This surge – crowd psychology – will feed itself and eventually we will get good localized content as well. With time, Google will be able to identify which city you are sitting in and throw you results related to the city. In our example, maybe the Sponsored Link of a Ford Dealer in Chennai.

One might question the logic behind local advertisers going in for Google, when the traditional media – the newspaper & TV channels – are available. Today, travel between two locations is quicker, easier and cheaper. With time, businesses will learn that population living in their areas is not their only customer. They will learn that a huge floating population, which is active on the Internet, is also their potential customer.

If Google Print, an initiative where Google plans to scan all the books ever published and put them on the Web, takes off it might be the beginning of the end of libraries. Why would anyone travel a distance, sit down quietly in a wooden chair for hours on end to read a book when one can do so comfortably at home? If you are a die-hard library fan and think a book has the added advantage of being portable, think Laptops and Tablet PCs and free wireless Internet access. For all you know, you might even go for the Microsoft Reading Software read out the book for you as you plug in your earphones and close your eyes. End of the Library culture? Perhaps.

Newspapers are in for trouble too. If you get free Internet access, and can read all the news on the Web, with the option to rave and rant whenever required, and see your “Letters To The Editor” appear two minutes after you dispatched the mail, why would you want to buy a newspaper? News minus those huge print advertisements – quite an appealing option. Google might even come up with ‘Google Engagements`, which will tell you where what is happening; ‘Google Obituary` could alert you if somebody you knew passed away, and ‘Google TV Listings` will update you with television timings. What else would you need your newspaper for? To add to the woes, traditional companies advertising in newspapers are now moving to the Internet. End of newspapers? Perhaps.

Last heard Google is working on ‘Google Real Estate`. End of brokers who always knew where a newly constructed house was up for grabs and how much it costs etc? Perhaps.

What about Gmail? Have the innovations ended? No way. With the onset of Tablet PC (in another 4-5 years all the features in a Tablet PC would be available on Desktops, that is if Desktops are still in vogue) all of us will write mails and not type. Thus incorporating into emails, the only feature we have been missing – personalization. End of Post offices? Perhaps.

Which side do you want to be – winning or losing?

[I guess I should give due credit to the inbox innovation which made me write this article. Read about the ‘Gmail Web Clips’ on Google’s Blog…Here]

Shopping malls are funny places…

Did you know that the concept of shopping malls came up as early as the 1950s. Did you know that the biggest shopping mall is in Alberta, Canada …a place where I actually have an old …long lost friend called Jaron Rovensky (more on this dude soon). Did you know that some shopping malls being built today have skiing facilities? Did you know that in another ten years, seven of the largest shopping malls in the World will be in China!

We all live a consumerist life. We buy things not because we need it but because they are there to be bought. Funny. But that`s what life is…funny.

Here in this picto-mour (picture humor), we present the humor within shopping malls. So next time you are shopping with your husband, wife, kids or grand-parents….remember to look around and laugh. At least give away a smile.

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Cheating on your wife

Kennedi who writes at www.askenni.com has revealed his two wives. He managed to keep it a secret for eight years…but yesterday his 2nd wife read the post and found out the truth.

As I always say, those that cheat…can`t eat. Today Kennedi has been thrown out of the house…and even as I write he is standing before an idli kadai hoping he hadn`t cheated.

Not his fault. Cheating on wives comes naturally to me(n).

Did you know why a “mistress” is so called? Because she ‘missed` becoming the most preferred wife and thus would spend the rest of her life under undue ‘stress`. Simple.

I was introduced to the concept of cheating at a very young age. I think I was only 14 years of age, when I found out that both my girl friends were cheating on me. This left me scarred for life but I didn`t resort to cheating.

But not all are honest like me. This 30-year-old friend of mine has two wives. One stationed in Anna Nagar – West, Chennai and the other in Anna Nagar – East, Chennai. Somebody had told him that ‘East` and ‘West` never meet. He was lucky till the time both his wives insisted on having him for all meals. Now he eats two breakfasts, two lunches and two dinners.

Unfortunately, it is not just the men who cheat. I have this friend who stays in Bangalore…and who once found his wife in bed with another man. My friend was getting crushed under the weight of his wife and the second man….and had to excuse himself!

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Babies

Rekha and I have suddenly become interested in babies. Perhaps, we don`t make enough noise at home…I stick to my Newsweek and she to her Star Dust. Maybe, we need somebody to trouble the neighbors living downstairs…by dropping the TV remote or the rattle or the plastic car.

I remember, Rekha trying to sell me the idea sometime back. Being a great haggler, she almost got me…till the time I stood up for my rights and said, “hey, we just got married. Let us at least go for a second honeymoon before we get the cabin baggage.”

Eventually, better sense prevailed…and I managed to keep my sleep. But now looks like I have had enough of it. Rekha (and I) want a kid.

I remember once having a conversation with a friend: “Initially, I thought I was trapped in a woman.”

“How and when?” I asked.

“It was till my delivery…after that I was a free man!”

“Cool. Was it a normal delivery?” I enquired.

“No. Caesarian,” he replied.

“So do you still take the window instead of the door?” He didn`t understand my joke.

“I take the door like all of us, but I don`t think my parents liked me that much.”

This explained my friend`s behavior. He would always look out for love… especially among young 19-year-old girls.

“Why do you say your parents didn`t like you?” I asked.

“It was my mother. She developed morning sickness after I was born.”

“Don`t the mothers have morning sickness when they are pregnant?”

“Yes they do. My father was even worse…he gifted me an Iron box to play with in the bath tub. Perhaps, he thought…if the hot metal didn`t get me, the electricity would.”

“That is really sad. Maybe it was not intentional.”

I had to get out of this discussion pretty soon. I stood silently waiting for my friend to say something. He seemed to be thinking hard, for I saw creases on his trousers…oops..on his forehead. After a while he opened up: “I guess everything was for a reason. Had it not been for my parents…I wouldn`t be working in an IT company now.”

“Definitely mate,” I concurred. “Maybe if you take a look at the video of how you were born, you would start appreciating your parents,” I added.

“That`s not a bad idea. But I would any day prefer to watch the video of my conception.”

There was silence for sometime, after which we decided to part ways for the day.

– – – – –

As I said, Rekha and I are now preparing for more responsibilities. On my part, I have started practicing my reaction when I hear the doctor come out and say “Congratulations. It is a healthy child.”

What would I tell Rekha, when I first meet her after delivery? Would this sentence be appreciation enough – “Great show Rekha. I always knew you had it in you!”

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Interview Interludes

Let us accept it. Not all interviews are with the intension of hiring. How many times have we seen Jeetendra or Shahi Kapoor or Shammi Kapoor sitting inside the Manager`s cabin…the phone rings…the manager picks it up…keeps on saying “Yes sir”…turns to the protagonist and says, “I was about to give you the job, but that was a recommendation from a higher up. I am sorry.”

Sometimes I wonder, if there was such a dearth of jobs in the 70s and 80s…where would we hide our face for the situation that prevailed in the late 90s – just before the IT revolution ensured a job for anybody who could speak English or could think straight (logical). Anyways, we are now beyond that…and there are plenty of jobs for the taking. If you didn`t know already there are more vacancies than can be filled for the next few years.

Yet, some of the interviews that happen today are plain whitewash. The culture of ‘referral fee` introduced by the top companies is playing spoilsport. While it helps companies cut headhunting costs to an extent, it doesn`t guarantee that the most deserving candidate is always hired.

Thinking on these lines, I realized that an interviewer can suggest alternative professions to aspiring candidates using the cues provided under the “Other Interests/Hobbies` sub-heading in the candidate`s resume. Confused? Read on.

If you are an interviewer and have already decided not to hire the candidate sitting in front of you…just look at what he/she has mentioned in the “Other Interests/Hobbies` sub-heading of the resume.

If it is ‘Philately`, start off like this ….

You: So you like to collect stamps?
Candidate: Yes sir.
You: Then why do you want to join us? You could be a postman.
Candidate: Postman?
You: Yes. It will be a Government job and you will also be able to pursue your hobby. All you got to do is remove the stamps from the letters before you deliver.

If it is ‘Gardening`, here is the kick-off…

You: Why don`t you become a gardener?
Candidate: Gardener?
You: Your Resume here says that you love gardening.
Candidate: That`s my hobby.
You: We have the right opportunity for you. Our gardener`s slot is vacant – the right amount of passion and work.

If it is ‘Singing`…

You: I heard there is lot of competition in the electric trains.
Candidate: What competition sir?
You: With too many people singing for alms, the not so competent are trying to get into IT.
Candidate: I am not so sure.
You: You would be surprised to know that some of our most promising resources are getting back to singing in the trains.
Candidate: Why so?
You: No…income tax, flexible timings, higher variable component in the package, traveling involved, and to top it all…very little peer pressure.

If it is ‘swimming`…

You: Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet are looking for you.
Candidate: Why?
You: They need a good swimmer to play dupe to Leonardo Di Caprio.
Candidate: You mean in a movie?
You: Almost. Remember, the Titanic sank in the Atlantic Ocean in 1912?
Candidate: Yes…that`s when I learnt swimming…
You: What? You leant swimming back in 1912?
Candidate: No…no..when I saw Jack go down the water in that movie.
You: Good. Then you must remember that scene where Jack and Rose stand hand-in-hand in front of the ship?
Candidate: Yes.
You: Leonardo Di Caprio is looking for a good swimmer to replace him in the actual remains of the ship, 5000 meters below the sea level. Compensation is good. Interested?

I couldn`t think of any other hobby. Guess…we need to float some creative resume.

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Pawarful Politics

Sharad Pawar is the new BCCI President. How refreshing. The democratic country that we are, anybody can be elected to top posts. Just about anybody. Even Sharad Pawar…

Indian cricket has eventually managed to get out of the frying pan and reach the fire. I am not surprised Sharad Pawar is from Mumbai. The filmi-capital provides all the glory/popularity to handsome people and forces the ugly to get into politics.

All politicians are in it because of the power they get on winning…power-hungry would be the word. Thanks to politics, for most politicians ‘power` is the middle name. For Sharad Pawar…it is the second name. Well, almost.

Some like me blog about politicians…some just don`t care. Perhaps they have read what Chris Clayton once said: Politics is derived from two words – Poly, meaning many and Tics, meaning small blood sucking insects.

Some politicians only win when they oppose somebody in an election. When they stand unopposed…they end up losing. And who can make it big in the political arena? Anybody who is intelligent and corrupt enough to understand it…and dumb enough to think it is important. The rest of us will just sit and crib.

I know a friend who once went to the Parliament and was asked to sign the Guest Book. He wrote- “Half the people in this building are dumb-asses”. The Floor Manager was pretty upset and wouldn`t leave my friend till he changed it to “Half the people in this building are not dumb-asses”.

Everything said and done, I think we should not make a big issue out of this bad reputation of the politicians. As Henry Kissinger said, it is only the 90 per cent of the politicians who are giving the remaining 10 percent a bad name. Or if you still think politics is a big issue, try finding a parking space in T Nagar, Chennai on a Sunday evening…