Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

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When I was no longer “cute” for the women

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date April 15, 2007
20 Comments on When I was no longer “cute” for the women

Barbers & Their Tricks

I now have very closely cropped hair. Only because my barber didn`t having Rs 10 to give back.

He asked me for Rs 40, for a close enough cut. I handed him a fifty rupees note and waited for him to give back the change. The deft barber – I know for only a few minutes back he had tried to sell medicinal oil from Kerala which would make my hair grow like Jack`s magical beans – looked in his cash box for long before saying he didn`t have Rs 10 to give me. He meant business.

“Now, what?” I asked.

“I can give you a shave.” The barber replied. He had a glint in his eyes, which roughly translated meant “MONEY”.

“No…I don`t want a shave. I had one only this morning. Can you give me a massage?”

“Massage for ten bucks? I didn`t accidentally cut the blood supply to your brains or did I?”

Saloon Business

We continued our argument before the barber came up with a classic offer. He said he could compensate by cutting my hair ‘shortest` so that I wouldn`t have to spend money on my haircut for another two months. I agreed because initially I had only requested for ‘shorter`. Now we were going for ‘shortest`.

Before you agree to such a deal with your barber, let me warn you it is a dangerous thing to do. People around you look at you as if you were an anti-social element. The movie directors of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and the 90s…should be blamed for this. In all movies their villains had to be abnormal and what inexpensive way to stand out than by tonsuring the villain`s head? There was no risk either – the hair would grow back again.

Hair – Part Of The Body That Grows Back

Now, you know why there is such a huge line of devotees in front of Tirupathi`s tonsuring center. I am yet to meet a person who stood in front of Tirupathi (or any other temple) and said: “Wow…am so happy…I am going to sacrifice my right arm today. It was something my mother promised when I was sick and everybody thought I was going to die but I lived on.”

At this juncture, let me state that I believe in God and will soon be having a tonsuring ceremony for my daughter (and might have one for myself too, for I have heard it works out cheaper!).

Scaring Away the Clients of Indian Railways

Right now I am in a train – on my way back from Kerala and thanks to this stereotyping of the villains (remember the bad man ‘Shetty`…who always died in the climax because the hero pulled out a live wire and placed it on his bald/tonsured head)…two young girls (and their pretty mother) have been regarding me with suspicion.

When the Traveling Ticket Examiner came, I heard the mother whisper to the TTE: “Can you move that dangerous looking man to another compartment please? My daughters are scared.”

I dug deeper into my book but continued to eavesdrop. The TTE said: “What? Him? He seems to be only 4 feet tall and you are scared of him?”

“Yeah. I won`t be able to close my eyes if this man (at this time she was pointing at me) is sitting so close to my daughters.”

The TTE seemed to be a determined person. He said: “Do you realize that your younger daughter – the one you say is eight years old – is taller than him?”

I swallowed the insult with a dose of PG Wodehouse (that`s what I was reading) and continued to listen. Luckily there was no more talk of my height. After the TTE left, I smiled at the lady and she smiled back. Looked like the smile I would give a class X bully. I didn`t pursue the case. No man worth his salt can ever get angry on a pretty lady. Even if she is a mother of two.

Nothing much happened thereafter…but I still think the movie directors should try out different types of villains – like the one-handed one, the one-legged one…and the one with no large intestines.

Till then, I pity all the Peters of the World. Wasn`t that the name of all the villains` right hand men? Remember: “Peter, mujhe who chahiye… zinda ya murda.”

*I tried to look really scary while the photographs were snapped. You have to tell me if I succeeded.

Lateral Thinking – 2

A man waved a cloth and another man died. Why?

Update:

Answer 1: The man waving the cloth was announcing the start of a duel. As soon as the cloth was waved, the fastest of them shot the other man down.

Answers which came out of all the comments the readers left:

Answer 2: The man waving the cloth was a station master and when he waved the cloth (a flag, if you insist on the right term) the train started and a man standing on the tracks died a gruesome death.

Answer 3: A man waving a piece of cloth was the signal for a firing squad to shoot down the man standing in front of them.

Answer 4: Here is the bullshit-est of all the answers. A man standing behind a matador in a bull ring waves a cloth and enrages the bull. The angry bull attacks the matador when he is not looking and kills him.

And now for some self gloating

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date April 11, 2007
12 Comments on And now for some self gloating

Yesterday www.ouchmytoe.com got listed as Desi Blog of the Day @ Gauravonomics – a blog by, my guess is Gaurav (He tells us that he is sometimes single but doesn`t reveal his name in the ‘About Me` section).

The complimentary post also mentions the Ouchmytoe Error page.

If you visit the site, please do take a look at the two comments (at the time of writing this post). Quite flattering…and interesting because now I have to find out who is De Bono.

———X——-X———

In late February www.theindicast.com in a series called Amuk Amuk (on blogs and bloggers) mentioned www.ouchmytoe.com. In the podcast which can be downloaded from this page, our post on the different types of fathers in law is mentioned.

Rishi Raj, a young lad with a lot of ‘blogging` enthusiasm has left a comment which made me blush. And want to delete it.

———X——-X———

In late March this year, Sudhanshu Raheja compiled the Complete A-list of the Indian Blogosphere, and www.ouchmytoe.com seemed to have crept in unnoticed. While, there is no such thing has a ‘A` blog because a blog is only as good as its most recent post…one couldn`t but feel happy at being mentioned with the likes of Digital Inspiration, Sepia Mutiny, IPatrix, IndiaUncut, Youth Curry, and the good old friend Kiruba.

Sudhanshu has used Alexa Rankings to come up with the list and www.ouchmytoe.com comes in 74th – not bad for somebody who can`t spell ‘dsylexia`.

Family

Shopping for my baby daughter

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date April 10, 2007
30 Comments on Shopping for my baby daughter

Shopping at Mother Care, Chennai was quite an experience.

For those who have been lucky enough not to shop in the place, Mother Care is a store that caters to pregnant women and babies born thereafter.

My wife who is still in Kannur REQUESTED me to visit them and buy some clothes for our Miss Sleepy.

No price can be put on the first dress that a father buys for his daughter.

And when I say ‘no price` I mean ‘no price`.

That`s why I was mighty upset when the salesman said the pink colored 7 inch by 9 inch dress will cost me Rs 500/-.

Why would anybody want to buy a baby dress for Rs 500/- when one can get a Color Plus trouser for two hundred rupees more (at a sale, of course).

I ditched clothes and looked for a utility bag for us to carry the baby stuff around – it was labeled Rs 3000/-.

The baby trolley`s price range started at Rs 8000/- and thankfully ended at Rs 25,000/-.

The baby car seat started at Rs 7000/- and went on till Rs 16,000/-.

Somebody needs to tell Mother Care that not all fathers who like to carry their babies in a car seat rob banks!

I wondered if God was punishing me for wanting to carry the Rajan`s family name forward.

Or was he punishing somebody else…and I just happened to be in line?

And, then it stuck me.

In spite of Father Francis` best efforts I had failed to understand the story around Adam, Eve, the apple and the punishment given by God for disobeying him.

After my visit to Mother Care, Chennai…it was all clear to me.

For the benefit of those whose parents didn`t believe in God and thus never narrated the story of how God created man, here is how it goes:

God sat down to create the most intelligent of all living beings and after a lot of thought decided that Adam should be created first….for had he created Eve first, he would have been forced to create Adam according to Eve`s wishes.

Even as God worked on Adam, Eve would have said: “Why don`t you give him four hands – he will not ask me to hold the stool while changing the light bulb.”

She would have probably even said: “Can`t you make that thing a little longer?”

So, the intelligent God made Adam first. He walked a few steps back, and looked at him with pride in his eyes.

Some say that having practiced creating a human being, God then went about creating woman and came up with a better product.

I would rather not believe this – for there is no “New & Improved” tag on any woman.

Neither is there a tag which says: “With features not seen in earlier versions.”

Anyway, after creating the two, God went about his other chores like – pissing (which we consider as rain), farting (storm, typhoon, cyclone), smiling (lightening – remember the best dentists in the world are in hell and he can use their help), and cleaning his ears (the white clouds that you see are the dirty cotton he throws down with utter disregard for global warming).

Before parting, God asked Adam & Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit – an apple which grew nearby. I am glad Adam and Eve didn`t listen to God and ate the apple anyway- for if they hadn`t we would have had no blogging in the World.

But seriously, I think it was God`s mistake that he created Adam and Eve at the wrong age… as teenagers (maybe a 17-year old Eve and 19-year old Adam).

An age when you always want to break rules and see what could go wrong.

If only God had created a 33-year old Eve and a 35-year old Adam, they would have listened to him and not ate the apple.

Don`t believe me?

Ever asked a 35-year old office colleague to break a rule?

Especially if he/she is your boss?

So, our teenager Adam and Eve broke the rule and God in a fit of rage shouted: You will be punished” before walking away into the sunset.

Just then Adam looked at Eve as if he were a librarian accepting a book back from one of the students and said: “Hey, there is a leaf missing.”

Nine months later they have a baby – a baby boy. I forget his name…maybe one of the readers knows what Adam & Eve`s baby boy was called.

The proud parents looked at the baby and felt elated.

Though they never knew then that there was something called heaven (for Vatican hadn`t invented it yet), they were in 7th heaven.

Out of curiosity, Eve asked Adam, “Remember God had said we will be punished?”

“Yeah.” Adam had started what husbands today do – passive listening.

‘Where is the punishment? It has been ten month since he swore at us…and our life has only gotten better.

We have invented sex, and now even have a baby.” Eve was doing what all women do today – asking questions which are difficult to answer.

“No idea.” Adam said.

“Anyway, can you buy some clothes for our son?” Eve didn`t want her son to grow up the way she grew up – without enough clothes to wear.

“Where do I get good clothes?” The good for nothing Adam asked.

“Why not try Mother Care in T Nagar, Chennai. Heard it is good.”

See…I told you…I just happened to be in line.

My divorced, dentist neighbor

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date April 5, 2007
15 Comments on My divorced, dentist neighbor

My apologies. This post should have been up by 8 a.m. today but got delayed because of my divorced, dentist neighbor late last night.

Usually, I don`t like discussing my neighbor`s life on my blog (why should I? He should start his own f%$#ing blog!) but since the story is interesting, I will do it – just once.

Last night at 10 p.m. when I had just sat down to blog (holding the book from where I pick up all these jokes) I heard somebody knock on my door. Apparently, my divorced, dentist neighbor had tried to commit suicide by drowning in a bucket and fairly succeeded. Did I mention he was only 4 feet 3 inches? Anyway, the crowd at my door was looking for somebody who could do resuscitation (‘CPR` if you are an American).

“I am sorry, I don`t know CPR,” I said even as I held my red “Her`s” towel together.

I was about to turn when somebody from within the crowd said: ‘No, he is lying. He did it to a nurse once. He told me the whole story.”

“I told you SHE gave me the CPR.” I retorted.

“It is all the same thing. You kiss her…or she kisses you. Come over…the man is about to die. Save him.” It was an elderly man speaking. The type usually represented in animated movies by an old, wise monkey.

There was a silver lining – the victim was a dentist and his oral hygiene would be good. But as I walked into the victim`s house some male nurses rushed in with a stretcher (in the process pushing me). Luckily, my red “Her`s” towel held strong. Within minutes they had put him on the stretcher and were off. Before I realized, the crowd of 40-odd people had also vanished.

I stood there alone in my neighbor`s house. As happens with in Manmohan Desai`s movies…I saw a suicide note fluttering under his wife`s framed photograph. It is being reproduced verbatim.

Here is the funniest suicide note I have ever read

Dear Shwetha,

I married you because you had nice, white row of teeth. Within a month I realized that marrying the whole girl just because of her teeth was a mistake.

Had you not fixed up an appointment with me on 7th of July 2003 and had I not said “keep away from cold drinks, sour food items and sweets” you wouldn`t have asked me: ‘How about sex?” And if you hadn`t asked me that, I wouldn`t have told you that I would love to. Had it not been for that silly mistake, we would have been two happy individuals today.

After you left me I have been a devastated man. I didn`t believe in divorce till I got married to you. Divorce is so much like removing a tooth – once removed, however hard one tries, one can never put it back.

I still don`t understand your reason for leaving me. Why blame me for not being as romantic as George Clooney or Hugh Grant? I didn`t have an answer back then…but do you know how much these guys get paid for acting like a romantic? You probably don`t know because you never read ‘Star Dust` while waiting for your dentist (again, because I never kept you waiting).

You never respected my profession which was a bigger insult for me. The last time you had tooth ache, you came up with your own dental plan. You decided to chew food on the left side. On the day I was declared ‘Dentist of the Year` and given a plaque, you didn`t turn up. Fortunately or unfortunately…you started the divorce talk the very next week.

When you read this letter, I would have swallowed a lot of water and died. Ironically, I am the guy who used to say: “Don`t swallow, spit!”

Yours,
Ashok

I took the note (so that I could type it verbatim for my blog) and replaced it with a small note just in case my neighbor came back home, alive. It said: “Man, you should be glad your wife thought of divorce and not murder. Heard of aconite?”

Interesting Reads

Mirror, mirror on the wall
The day I drank acid
The ‘rich` experience
Cartoon – A Dog`s Life
Mother in law vs daughter in law

Pick your topic

Here is your chance – on which of the below given topics would you want me to write?

Dentists and their sessions

Divorce – reasons and consequences

My good old neighbors

If you want me to write on more than one topic, please prioritize.

Update: To arrive at a quantitative number so that I could decide the popular choice, 5 points were given to the first choice, 3 points to the second and 1 to the third. Here is the scoreline –

Neighbor – 52
Dentist – 33
Divorce – 29

The outright winner is ‘My Good old neighbors’. I would have written about it had it not been a slight rising of the stakes by Santosh who wants the article to be on a ‘divorced neighbor who is also a dentist’. Quite a challenge. Or does it make it easy?

nAL, I agree with you that divorce is not funny but it is a secret source for a lot of humor. Don’t believe me…ask Mark Twain who once said "The secret source of humour is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven."

For humor from within a hospital while I was taking care of my father, click here. He passed away two months later.

Will try and have the article up tomorrow by 8 a.m. IST.

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Baby Daughter’s Birth – Day one

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date March 31, 2007
22 Comments on Baby Daughter’s Birth – Day one

The word has spread and all the nurses have ganged up against me in order to save Rekha her husband. This is the problem with today`s World – news travels fast. Esp, news of somebody being a flirt.

My sense of humor didn`t help me either when I met my match in ‘Sister` Rosa Kutty (not the twin sister of Indian middle distance runner of the 90s).

“Sister, can you tell me how you differentiate between a boy and a girl when they are born?” I asked in an attempt to get closer to her.

She replied as if she had practiced the reply a 100 times before: “That`s simple. We just wrap the baby in a soft, white, cotton cloth and if he looks like an angel in it…it is a boy and if she looks like an angel in it, it is a girl.”

Moral of the Story: Never trust your sense of humor to take you anywhere.

Thanks to the baby daughter…we Rajans have achieved many firsts –

A lady who always called herself ‘A` and who has anonymously left comments on Ouchmytoe for the last 3 years or so… revealed her identity, today. (Discussion about her identity has spiced up our dinner many a times. Primarily because Rekha uses very little of spice and salt while cooking)

The Rajans have never received a call from Australia congratulating them on the birth of a baby. Probably because they have never had a baby before. Today, Ramadas Mannattil – a regular reader and friend called us from Down Under.

The Rajans have never received so many comments in a single day. On earlier occasions, 40 comments would have meant 20 stupid replies to beef up the number….but not today Sire.

Never before has anybody called from New Delhi and asked what the Rajans wanted as a gift for their new born. Again, probably because before 12 noon on 29th March the Rajans didn`t have a child. Please note that we quickly said ‘We don`t want anything` ‘We don`t want anything` and ‘we don`t want anything` and then in the same breath said “Why don`t you send us a white, cotton mosquito net?”. The Rajans always refuse thrice before accepting anything. A loop-hole left in Rajan`s mother`s diktat: ‘Whenever anybody give you something to eat, always refuse thrice before accepting it. Don`t rush for it.”

As of now the most photogenic person in the family is our little daughter but before her arrival the Rajans didn`t have anybody. The most photogenic person in the family before 12 noon, 29 March was uncle Subramanian who still steps in for Babloo the bear in Wandalur Zoo, Chennai whenever the original gets a stomach upset.

Post Script: Rekha is getting discharged from the post-operative ward tomorrow. If anybody wants to wish her, you can reach her at 09884391220 after 1 p.m. IST. I am sure she would love to hear from you. I am not giving my mobile number because I didn`t do much except for standing on a stool and clapping as the baby emerged out of the operation theatre.

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Rekha and I are proud parents of a baby girl

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date March 30, 2007
71 Comments on Rekha and I are proud parents of a baby girl

Today – 29th March 2007 – at 12 noon my wife gave birth to a baby girl. Now I know why babies are considered a bundle of joy – they come wrapped as a bundle in a white, soft, cotton wrap-around (doesn`t look as good on the baby girl as it does on other 18 year olds) for which I was asked to pay later – Rs 40.

It wasn`t a normal delivery. She was born via a C-section operation, where ‘C` stands for Caesarean. Legend has it that Caesar`s mother delivered him thus but there are doubts over the same. Read more about Caesarean deliveries.

I was just thinking about Caesarean deliveries – kind of different. If one were to look for an example in day to day living…it is like choosing to walk out of the window when the door is still available. Simple.

This incident has made me realize that childbirth is the only time one visits the hospital in a happy frame of mind. Doctors are an exclusion to this rule – why wouldn`t one be happy making money?

Rekha is still under observation. I am told that`s routine after a C-section. I am not complaining for it gives me ample time to mingle with the pretty nurses. Pity, one is forced to addressed them as “Sister”. I did try a Johnny Bravo line on one of the nurses. I walked up to her and said: “You smell kind of pretty. Want to smell me?”

She gave me a stare. Then smiled at me before saying: “Sure. First, let me clean the gooey mess you daughter has delivered on our operation table.”

Just when I was making some headway, the gynecologist walked into the scene. I have a feeling the nurses are not allowed to flirt with the patrons, for the nurse ignored me thereafter.

I did look thro` the glass window of the Isolation Ward (they could have chosen a better name – it is as if Rekha had been abducted by the aliens) and whispered “I love you,” to Rekha. She in turn said something which I couldn`t hear. When I called my hands and legs to the rescue and conveyed to her that I didn`t understand, she asked the nurse to write something in a paper and hand it over to me. It was the nurse I had flirted with, so I gave my million dollar smile as I took the piece of paper from her hand.

The piece of paper said: “Now you have got what you have always wanted – a second woman in your life. You better behave.”