Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

Rekha pips Jammy to the post

Rekha and I were part of the Vlogger Tinker Meetup held at Kiruba`s wife`s office on Sunday. The 15 or so video-blogging enthusiasts who had assembled were divided into 3-member teams and asked to come up with a video which could then be uploaded. From what I can see, only one team came up with a video. As luck would have it, Rekha was part of this winning team. Click Here to view Rekha’s video on her Blog
The other participants of the meet were –Kenndi – http://www.askenni.com/
Sunil – http://suneet.blogspot.com/
Ganesh APP – http://gapp.wordpress.com/
Kaushikram – http://chaosbudha.blogspot.com/
Bhargav – http://tsunamispeaks.blogspot.com/
Ramanujam – http://ramanujamp.blogspot.com/
Hitesh Mehta – http://hiteshmehta.wordpress.com/
Kummy – http://simpleblogsbyguru.blogspot.com/
Aswin Anand – http://aswinanand.blogspot.com/
Jaideep – http://jayselearn.blogspot.com/
Mahendran – http://rajamahendran.blogspot.com/
Nandhu – http://phoenixflicks.blogspot.com/
To know what all happened at the video meet, please visit http://www.blogcamp.in/ 

Rekha is getting ready for my family

This weekend we are holed up at home but the next one will be spent outside, with my family from Madurai. My folks from Madurai are coming to stay with us for a week or so. That`s considered a long stay in Chennai terms, but not according to Madurai standards.

“Amma, why don`t you and sisters come over to Chennai for sometime?”

“Will six months be ok?” My mother casually remarked.

We negotiated an exit-policy like Lord Mountbatten and Mahatma Gandhi (and like Edwina Mountbatten and Pandit Nehru – Shashi Tharoor confirms their relationship here) and came to the decision that that they will occupy my house only for a week. It was decided that my family will withdraw from Chennai in a phased manner – 50% of them at the end of seven days and the rest after ten days. My mother said she felt like the US Army General promising troop withdrawal from Iraq. I asked her not to feel bad, because unlike the General, I knew she would keep her word.

Rekha is very excited about my family`s arrival. She has hidden all her good sarees under the bed. She has packed all her gold in a brown cover, plastered it with duct tape, put it in a plastic cover and has buried it in the garden. She has taken the Bombay Dyeing (But why is Bombay Dyeing? Because Gwalior Suiting! And what is left? Only Vimal!) bed-sheets and stuffed them inside my pile of my shirts so that my family doesn`t know where to look for them.

Rekha has also taken out items like olives, honey, dry fruits etc from the fridge and kept them behind it. When I asked why, she said: “Your mother is getting old and we should be careful with what she eats.” I didn`t argue…she made sense.

Yesterday, Rekha even carried our spare, 10 Kg mattress to a shop opposite our apartment which specializes in making them fluffier. “Will we get it in time,” I asked.

“He says they generally take a month to make mattresses fluffier but for us, he will do it in 20 days.”

“Then, why did you give it? Now my mother will have to sleep on the floor!”

“Don`t you worry, I have already brought 30 A4 sized blank sheets from office…I am going to use cello-tape and fix them up together. It will make a nice bed for your mother.”

I stood there speechless for a while and then gave up trying to muster the courage.

Our house is now ready for my family, but for one small detail Rekha says is pending. When I asked her she said: “We need to remove the swing in the hall.”

“Why?” I questioned her.

“I remember somebody telling me that your mother likes swings.” Rekha always knows what to say when.

Phew! The extent daughter-in-laws go to make their mother-in-laws happy.

Of names and faces

A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.
– Evan Esar (1899 – 1995)

Rekha and I had a fight last evening. Nothing much happened. Just that now I have a deep gash on my left calf muscle and she has three cuts on her right fore-arm. As can be understood from the injuries, Rekha got injured while facing me like a man and I got injured while running away from her.

It all started rather smoothly. It had drizzled and the air was romantic. I started flirting with her and in a fit of excitement lost control over the names I was muttering and ended up saying, “Hey Nandita, I love your blue eyes.”

If I had only said, “I love your blue eyes,” I could have convinced my wife that her eyes were indeed blue. But I had mentioned a girl`s name too and I failed to convince her that she was indeed Nandita. (Actually eyes do change color)

Whoever said communication is better if you mention the name of the person you are talking to? I promise I had read someplace that if you mention the name of the person you are talking to often, it leaves a good effect. Maybe that`s why when I talk to my boss, I always end up saying: “Sure Aparna,” “Yes Aparna,” “Will do Aparna.”

I guess what works at office doesn`t work at home. Or maybe, I had just mentioned the wrong name.

While on the subject of names…I might as well tell you about the incident when my inability to remember names (and faces) landed me in trouble. I was standing in a bus stand (those were the days when even IT professionals used the public transport) when I saw this friend of mine. I walked up to him and said: “Wow, you have changed.”

“I am sorry but do we know each other?” He seemed to be impatient.

“Arre, you have even changed your hairstyle. By the way, I love your new hairstyle,” I continued.

“I am really sorry but I am not able to place you.”

“Arre, you have even changed the way you dress.”

My friend looked confused. He didn`t seem to recognize me. I thought maybe he was also as bad as I was in recognizing faces and continued.

“By the way, you have even changed the Malayalam accent you used to speak in.”

“I am really sorry…but I don`t think I know you,” my friend seemed adamant.

I was getting angry. An indignant me shot back in anger: “Are you not Prakash, who studied with me in The American College, Madurai?

“I am not Prakash. My name is Rajesh.”

“Don`t tell me you have changed your name too!”

So saying, I turned and left the place. It pained me to see a confused look on a friend`s face. Anyway, I loved the walk back home.

If only we could hear the mind speak

Many movies have been directed and many stories written about what can happen if we hear people speak their mind. That is, if besides hearing what people say…we also hear what they want to say but don`t.

Here are some scenarios which could sound funny –

Executive: I will be getting promoted this time…won`t I?
Reporting Manager: Of course, you would be. I have already spoken to the boss.
(Like hell you will be. For what you are capable of doing, you should be paying the company to stay on the rolls. Anyway, I am quitting this place in a month`s time.)

Wife: Do I look fat?
Husband: Not at all. In fact this dress makes you look slim.
(And where did you buy that from – the Salvation Army? If you hadn`t had lunch your mother could have joined you inside the dress.)

Friend 1 (pointing at a girl): I think I am in love with that girl. Do you think she would like me?
Friend 2: Why not? You are both handsome and intelligent – a combination girls find hard to resist.
(Except that you are a hairy a*#hole who hasn`t taken bath in the last one year. Not to mention your dirty socks which make you a weapon of mass destruction.)

Patient: When will I be fine doctor?
Doctor: You will be up and running in a month`s time.
(Had I spotted that hole in the heart earlier, I would have taken advance payment. Wonder if your son will pay me after your death in two days.)

New girl colleague: Thanks for helping me out. The place and the process are all new and I was lost till I met you.
Old boy colleague: No issues. I was just doing my duty.
(By the way, is Jaganathan your father? Don`t tell me he is your husband. If yes, I have just wasted half of my day getting you the computer, configuring Outlook and getting you the internet connection.)

Policeman: You know it is wrong to stop your vehicle beyond the stop line?
Student: Yes sir. I am really sorry.
(But I never tell you that it is wrong to accept bribe for letting go offenders. I wish I could punch you in your face right now.)

Guest at the Hotel: My soup is cold.
Waiter: Sir, I will replace it for you right away. We will compensate by delivering a Chiken Tikka Masala – on the house.
(Try saying that ‘ soup is cold` to your wife. If the chief chef is not in the pantry…you unlucky b#*&%*d would get real warm soup. Hope you like the taste of urea.)

Oh my God

Did you see that? Jammy’s Talk Show is the third most popular show on Clickcaster!

To see it for yourself visit http://www.clickcaster.com/explore
(Once the page downloads, click on a link called ‘Most Popular` on the top nav)

Interested to know more about Jammy’s Talk Show? Listen to these podcasts – Click Here.

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Rekha’s birthday – the best ever

It helps to have a romantic husband.

Rekha had a ball of a time yesterday and she said: “This was my best birthday ever.”

This is exactly what she had said last time. Having set an expectation, I now have to beat myself on 5th July 2007. Tough task….but then I have one whole year to plan.

This time around, the surprise gifts began springing up at unexpected places a few days back itself and the climax was a dinner cooked and served by me – which happened last night.

Here are some pictures from the dinner celebration –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Happy Birthday, Rekha

Dear Rekha,

Exactly 25 hours from now you will be celebrating your 18th birthday. My best wishes. While you are sleeping, the celebrations have begun. I have already uncorked the whiskey bottle…I know…I know…uncorking has only been used figuratively here.

May God bless you.

This Blog wouldn`t be there without my wife…the least we all can give her today is a wish in the comment box.

Podcast: Jammy vs Jammy’s Split-Personality

Jammy’s split-personality who surprisingly prefers to be identified either as a half-boiled egg or cucumber because both sound cool decides to interview Jammy on his blogging experiences at Ouchmytoe. What comes out is an interesting mish-mash of what others would call ultimate crap.

A funny listen….buttered up by a dynamic intro and background music. In short a must listen!

Download the mp3 here (6.5 Mb)

Interestingly, Jammy`s Talk Show on Clickcaster (a prominent podcast service on the web) is currently rated as the 37th most popular podcast! Click here to see it for yourself.