Category: Uncategorized

Myth: B.C. means ‘Before Cable` & A.D. means ‘After Dominos pizzas`

B.C. actually means ‘Before Christ` and A.D. means ‘Anno Domini`. There are a few people who think that B.C. and A.D. are reflective of Christianity, and since not everyone in this World is a Christian, it should be changed to something non-religious. How would you feel if B.C. was changed to mean ‘Before Celine Dion` and A.D. to ‘After Dalai Lama`. The authorities are still debating.

Myth: War is bad

For those who thought war was bad, I have some news….earthquakes are equally bad. Indians and Pakistanis are battling it out together…for the first time in 50 years. Usually, they battled it out against each other. If not for war, people of England and France – the heights of culture and civilization today – wouldn`t have had anything to do for close to 116 years (between 1337-1453). Imagine being unemployed back then…at least now we have TV and cable. Thanks to the 100-years war …between the two nations…they had a way of brining home the bacon. Sometimes coffins. Whatever be the argument, war doesn`t decide who is right. It decides who is left.

Myth: Creams, lotions can`t make u look younger

They says creams and lotions can not make you younger…youthfulness needs to be in ones heart. I completely understand. But I also believe that creams and lotions can make one look younger. All you need to do its apply the cream, and the lotion….stand further away from the mirror and take a look. I am sure, the further you are from the mirror…the younger you will look.

Myth: Miss Universe actually represents the whole universe

Winner of the Miss Universe competition doesn`t represent the whole Universe. If that were true…why does the Miss Universe always have to be from Earth? Wouldn`t the aliens be interested to showcase their women with asset? There is one explanation though, the organizers call for nominations to these beauty contests only in Earthly media…

I am no exaggerator…but last night while having dinner I got a call from the Indian President Dr Abdul Kalam. He said I was being awarded the ‘Exaggerator of the year award`. Since I don`t like to be disturbed during dinner, I informed him that I would call him at the next available opportunity and kept the phone down.

After dinner, my curiosity got the better of me and I did a Google search. Seems ‘Exaggerator of the year award` has been previously won by Subramanian Swamy, George Bush, Amar Singh, TN Seshan, Bishen Singh Bedi, Uma Bharati, Krish Srikkanth and Anirdham Chaudhri among others.

On further research, I found that on 5th of January of each year, both the Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha members in consultation with the Executive and Judiciary come up with a list of ten biggest exaggerators from various walks of life. Behind each of these ten individuals, the Govt then tags a CIA operative. You probably wonder why a CIA operative behind each of these individuals….but this shift to CIA operatives is being followed since the late 1950s when Jawahar Lal Nehru won the award for exaggerating the benefits of socialism.

In their bid to win the award, the selected individuals had begun to bribe the neutral watchers…back then the RAW agents. The decision to request US of A for ten able bodied CIA operatives for the above said task was taken after Mehboob Khan won the award for his exaggerated direction of the 1957 Nargis-Sunil Dutt starrer called Mother India. After he won the Best Exaggerator Award, Times of India (which was then actually a newspaper) had said: “No amount of awards will be enough for the way Mehboob Khan exaggerated the troubles Nargis faced. Wherever she went she faced trouble…sometimes the viewer wondered…if the movie was supposed to relax?”

After the awards were announced, the neutral observers said that they had been tempted by Nargis and Sunil Dutt…and recommended that CIA operatives be used so that the language problem and the minimal exchange rate ensure no money exchanges hands.

After a while, I stopped searching and looked for Kalu`s number. The person you address as the President of India is a pal of mine and I address him as Kalu. I had his number stored in my mobile…and thus gave him a missed call. I generally do that because for him outgoing is free…and he always says all calls he makes go into Gandhi`s account. Within a few seconds he gave me a call…and we spoke for about 21 minutes.

Why 21 minutes? I was only trying to convince him that I didn`t want the award…but he won`t listen one bit.

As of now I have agreed to be at the presentation ceremony scheduled at the Indira Gandhi Maidan in New Delhi. Heads of State from 189 countries have agreed to grace the occasion – the biggest gathering since Diana`s death in a car crash. It is being telecast live on NDTV, Aaj Tak, Doordarshan…and on Sun TV because somebody from Tamil Nadu is winning the award after a long time.

To congratulate me on winning the award mail me – jv.rajan@gmail.com

I think I was brainwashed by Research and Analysis Wing (RAW), coz I am not the type to volunteer for tasks requiring courage. But there I was infiltrating the porous India-Pakistan border. I think I took the route Abhishek Bachchan walked/ran in his first movie Refugee.

My instructions were simple…I was to get into Pakistan and lie low for close to a year or two. I was to read all the pages of the daily called “The Dawn” delivered at my door exactly at dawn….instructions for me were to appear in the classifieds section.

From building or destroying a bridge single-handedly to taking care of an Indian diplomat`s 18-year old daughter when her father went spying were the kind of tasks I was to do. Though, I never got any assignments for the first two years.

Then things started to change. I got instructions to quietly sneak out of my house in the middle of the night and wait in a dark alley for somebody with a red rose in his suit. Thanks to the dark alley, I never got to see any rose. Once while waiting in the dark I was caught by the police but I refused to throw light on the situation. A spy`s best friend is his/her lie-ability….thanks to which I reached home safe.

The night after, the policeman caught me again. This time I had little choice but to accompany him to the police station. They drugged me – which ensured that I didn`t resist the arrest – and put me in a cell. The cell did have a cell-phone….no no..not a mobile…but a phone for the cell…but I didn`t make any calls. It was not like I had stolen a few books from the library and they had me booked. I didn`t even know why I was in the prison for. I knew for sure that even if I had stolen a safety pin, the Pakistani authorities wouldn`t be able to pin it on me. My papers were all intact and in place.

I would have got out of the Pakistani prison soon…but unfortunately I was correctly suspected of being a RAW agent. I did try to tell them that I was part of the Refugee movie crew and had been left behind by Abhishek. I tried to reason out that Abhishek was jealous of me getting too close to the movie`s heroine Kareena Kapoor…but they didn`t buy my story.

The good thing about being a writer and being in prison is that there are prose and cons. Ask Mandela, the man knows. I began to write my autobiography.

My heart did believe that the Indian President will get in touch with General Pervez Musharraf and get a presidential pardon for me…but my brain suggested…he might as well get another sucker and brainwash him.

Had it not been for this thief whom I befriended at the state prison, I would still be in the 12X12 cell (which is any day bigger than the 4X4 cubicles all IT people sit in, the whole day long) in Islamabad. A lingerie thief who also happened to be the local commander-in-thief helped me give the jailor the slip!

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

This is the time for buying books and getting more education. Working-men will show a keen interest in current education. Especially the book titled ‘Laws of Electricity`. As for the ladies…don`t worry you will continue to show interest in another book – your honey`s cheque book. You probably wonder what`s the connection between a balance (the symbol for Libra) and books….well…haven`t you read Rohinton Mistry`s novel titled ‘A Fine Balance`.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

Scorpios brace up for tough times. You will be paying for all your bad deeds. If you or your wife deliver a baby …make sure not to pay a 21-gun-salute. The child might die of cannon-ball injuries. I also suggest that you play it low this week because your ‘Sting` will be missing. Your friend, who borrowed the Sting CD is most likely to elope.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Just because nobody has ever complained that a parachute didn`t work properly…it doesn`t mean that all parachutes work properly. Be alert…don`t believe anybody. You will end up spending a lot of time in front of the television. In short it will be a half-baked week for you. “Why half-baked?” you might ask…and the answer is “because Television is a medium.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You will feel patriotic this week. If you end up on your deathbed in Pakistan you would die before being buried in the Pakistan. One good thing to come out of your death will be your whole family marveling at the strength of your human weakness. For those of you who are not in Pakistan…this week will involve a lot of spending. Try and finish this week within your income, even if it means borrowing from your friends.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

A survey conducted in Chennai suggests that there are very few Aquarians left in the city. Some attribute it to water problems…others to the lack of interest in maintaining an aquarium in one`s house. You will spend most of this week saying, “Damn!”. Exactly the same words a fish would say when it hits a wall under water.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be inventive the whole of this week. If being a scientist is not your taste, then you will at least tune a piano. But you can`t tuna-fish. You will get argumentive with your parents. So much so, you might even contest your father`s belief that paraffin are the fins on the sides of fish. With an instinct to explore you will also feel like gambling….but remember the World is not yet a bettor place yet.

This astrologer friend of mine used to write weekly horoscopes. For reasons unknown to the junta he has now stopped.

Like anything else associated with me, the below given weekly predictions have no rhyme or reason. They will ‘definitely’ come true…so take it with a pinch of salt.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The week will be good. I mean, what better way to lose the battle than lose it at home. If you want to land in office safe and sound, buy your wife that expensive fire extinguisher she has always wanted. It is another thing that she might never use it and later call you an extravagant.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is my sign so I better be good. You might buy a car this weekend. Perhaps even a battle tank if you live in Afghanistan. If you live in Iraq…duck now…a grenade has just been hurled at you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Beware of your twin for he might be after your girlfriend. If you were born single…try and get a partner. It isn’t a great idea to be living alone at 35 with just a sports channel, pizza and a bottle of Coke for company. All you Gemini girls…shift to some other sign.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

This week sea is where you should be headed. Afterall, crabs live in the sea. If you are a man don’t go near the Naval headquarters …they could turn you into seamen (hope you got the pun regarding naval & seamen). That is if you don’t want to create waves.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The issue with lions is no one wants to follow their tracks. You will also feel the same this week. If ever you meet some old friend never
say: “I passed your house last evening.” For he/she is bound to reply: “I appreciate it.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

If you are a lady you are a safe Virgo. But Virgo men beware…especially if you are married…for your wives will be very calculative this week. Even to the extent of using a bow and arrow to kill you, just so they don’t wake up the kids with a gunshot in the middle of the night.

Predictions for the next six signs will put up on Saturday morning.

Found some interesting quotes on “Names”. Yes, names. Here they are –

Mr Ball? How very singular.
– Tomas Beecham

Some people have difficulty deciding on the name for their new-born baby. Some have rich relatives.
– Don McElroy

The batsman`s Holding the bowler`s Willey.
– Brian Johnson
[The commentator was trying to explain that Holding was batting and Willey was bowling]

And here is a conversation overheard –

Character One: Surely you can`t be serious?
Character Two: I am serious. And don`t call me Shirley.

Girls always put on weight after marriage. Men lose flab if they take lunch to office…or gain weight if they eat out during lunch breaks.

The issue compounds when both the husband and wife work in IT companies where, even if one doesn`t have work one is forced to hang on till 7 p.m. and leave after the boss`s car rolls out of the entrance.

With 8-30 a.m.-8 p.m. out-of-home schedules it becomes difficult to take time out for the other partner…leave alone for yourself. For example, it has been 97 days since Rekha (my wife) left me alone for more than 39 seconds at a stretch. 98 days back she had once left me alone for 45 seconds. Perhaps because we have only two hours to spend together before we hit the sack and dream of better days and then get up to go to the office again.

Thus, getting up early and going for a jog…or having an early dinner and going for a walk is ruled out. Enter the treadmill.

“Why don`t we buy a treadmill?” It was Rekha.

“For what?”

“Cutting down the flab, of course. You need to.”

“So do you!” I scream.

“I know, but you need it more than I do.” Rekha retorts.

“A motorized treadmill could cost us anywhere between 25K to 30K. And none of our neighbors have it. So why us?” I try to wriggle away.

“Money shouldn`t be the criteria. Health before wealth.”

“That`s true. But Kiruba has just bought an Accent. I think we should go in for a car… and try and keep up.” These kinds of arguments sometimes win the case for men.

“Hmm…” (For a moment, I thought I had convinced her)

I tried to persist: “And anyways where do we have the time to use a treadmill?”

“We could use it while we watch TV.” Rekha was quick as ever.

“That means, we get a TV before we buy a treadmill?” I tell her.

“Precisely. I heard Dish TV is damn good. Some good channels they have.”

“You can`t always rely on Television for your work-outs. Good programs are always around dinner time…and you won`t be able to exercise then.” I try to reason out.

“We could buy an I-Pod. I could listen to music and exercise…thus we won`t be dependent on TV alone.”

She was gaining ground quick. The bill had run up to 30K (treadmill) plus 20K (a 19 inch TV) plus 5K (Dish TV) and 8K (an I-Pod). Since I was an intelligent man…I stopped the conversation and agreed to her four requests. We are starting off from the bottom…and buying the I-Pod tomorrow.

I am writing a book. I have got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright

Some of the comments left in my Blog are very flattering on the surface – they say I should get into writing. I ask them all: “Haven`t I already started? And aren`t you reading what I wrote?”

Anyways….you can be excused for not knowing my literary prowess. A few of my friends believe that my connection with the literary world began when I accidentally hit RK Narayan`s car while it was returning after dropping the ace Indian writer at a funeral. I was on my bicycle….and was ten years old.

Connection or no connection…let me go ahead with my story. Initially, I started writing because it gave me pleasure. It was fun. And then, I wondered why not do it for friends and relatives…I started writing poems for their girl friends, their leave letters etc. Years have gone by since I first wielded my pen and now I intend to make money out of it. Sounds very much like prostitution…first you do it for self…then for friends and then wonder if you could make some money out of it.

In my attempt to make some money…I had once sent my manuscript to a publisher. He replied saying my book was both original and good.

I was excited…but when I didn`t see my book in the stores even after six months, I was forced to get in touch. He was apologetic but gave an honest reply: “Your book is both good and original. The part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.”

Talking of aspiring writers, one dude once walked up to Somerset Maugham and said: “Sir, I had sent you my collection of short stories.”

Maugham replied: “I saw.”

The amateur who had not yet learnt the ways of the literary world persisted: “Do you think I should put more fire in my stories?”

This was precisely the question Maugham was waiting for, and shot back: “I would suggest you do vice-versa.”

The idea is never to take advice from established writers or publishers. If you are also an aspiring writer like me, I would suggest you never send a self-addressed stamped envelope along with your manuscript….that is the mistake I had been doing for the last ten years. Each time, the manuscript was sent back. Guess the publishers are a little stingy (they don`t like to waste the stamp) and easily tempted.

Getting your book should be easy if you don`t send a stamped self-addressed envelope. But remember…writing books doesn`t pay you much. The most paying literary pieces are ransom notes. According to a recent survey, 80 per cent of the respondents felt that very soon doctor`s prescription will overtake ransom notes as the most paying literary pieces.

You probably wonder why go through the trouble of wasting a year in solitary confinement and writing a novel. I agree with you. That is why I have decided to walk into a bookstore and just buy a novel.

Some of you probably didn`t understand what this big write up was all about. If you didn`t… chances are you live in Australia. Didn`t Geoffrey Corttell once say: “In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important and in Australia, you have to explain what a writer is.”

I know a friend of mine, who started off writing for magazines…and even wrote a few novels. In over ten years, he has realized that he has no talent for writing…but now the publishers won`t let him retire because he is already famous.

Some like this friend are lucky. Some others like me marry money and lead a peaceful life as a writer. After all, to be a writer one only needs a pen, a paper and a corrupted mind.