Month: February 2005

Like hundreds, I have also submitted my story for the Sulekha-Penguin ‘India Smiles’ contest.

It is a unique contest aimed at promoting humor writing. One of my Blog readers had suggested that I participate…and I did.

Here is the story I have sent. Read it, and if you like it…leave a comment.

Titled: A Beggar`s Paradise

What is in it for me?

1st prize $2000 or Rs.1,00,000
1st runner up $200 or Rs.10,000
2nd runner up $200 or Rs. 10,000
Early Bird Prize $100 or Rs. 5000

Important: The 30 best stories get published by Penguin Books.

Unfortunately, today is the last day…if you still want to make it…Click Here

If I were an actor, I would have won an Oscar by now. I mean, I am all of 24-years old…but I am sure, I would have won it.

Damn it. It is easy. All I would need to know is…thank people. Those that signed me for the movie and those that helped me through my bad time. Aren`t all acceptance speeches about thanking people?

In fact, I could even score a brownie point saying that all credit goes to my wife Rekha. In a way, I would be telling the truth. She is the one who forced me to take up acting.

I was a very bad actor before marriage. When her father came to meet me, I even smelled of cigarettes. Later, I would know that there was something called ‘Method Acting,` in which one gets to use aids a la menthol candy or a Wrigley`s chewing gum to make the acting seem real.

Actually, he had asked me if I smoked, and I had said “No”.

When it comes to method acting, I am no Marlon Brando. What I mean to say is…that man kept cotton swabs inside his mouth to talk English like an Italian (that`s what I read), and he did go on to create ripples in the world of acting (seen Godfather?). But I did not quite succeed.

Once, Rekha called up to say that she was coming late and asked me to cook dinner. I decided on noodles, but was too tired so bought noodles from the nearby restaurant. Here is what I missed out from the standard Method Acting procedure –

1) I should have left some dirty dishes in the sink
2) I should have soiled the apron
3) I should have soiled the Gas stove
4) I should have left the Gas Cylinder switched on
5) I shouldn`t have left the polyethylene bag in which the parcel comes, on the dinning table
6) I should have misplaced the gas-lighter

I was caught noodle-handed that day. Of course, now I am smarter and don`t commit such blunders.

Sometimes, my way of acting runs into trouble…the other day she asked me to boil some milk and keep. And did you know…no shop sells boiled milk?

Rekha is to me, what the Director of the movie God Father was to Marlon Brando.

Over the last few months, I have honed my skills to higher levels. So much so, I have even convinced her that I don`t smoke. According to her, I have even given up drinking.
Sometimes, I do have my own doubts….is she so gullible that I can work my way around her? Does she really believe me? Or is she also acting? And if she is….I guess the Oscar goes to…..Rekha Rajan!

I have always had trouble with Noodles. Read this to know why I run away from noodles!

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Visit this page, give your name…and type in your url in the slot provided for the same…and submit.

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Please don’t leave the answer in the Comments Box. You don’t want others to know the answer and walk away with the prize…or do you? Shucks…in that case how would you convey to me that you know the answer? And that throws at us another question…what if everybody says they know the answer but can’t type it out in the comments box because I asked them not to. Life is so goddamn confusing….

Anyways, you guys use your intelligence. Now, why you staring at me….did I say something wrong?

Of late I have been noticing a lot of promotions favoring helmets. There are advertisements shouting out one-liners like –

“Respect your brain. Wear a helmet.”
(What about the brainless? Or for that matter…what about the brain dead?)

“Your head is no coconut. Wear a helmet.”
(Oh My God…what a discovery! And we thought we could make coconut chutney with our heads. “Father, could you lend us your head today…need something to go with the dosa mother is making.”)

Tonight, before hitting the bed,
Go and buy helmet for your head!
(But I never hit the bed. I mean, what wrong has the bed done to me? And even if I hit my bed..it is not like my bed is going to hit me back and I need some safety.)

I wonder if the Road Safety commissioner has a stake in some helmet company. I am dead against wearing helmets. I don`t want that Road Safety Commissioner to get rich.

Moreover, all my relatives and friends know the design on my helmet. And if I wear it and travel on my bike…they would easily identify me. Now, that is not what I want.

And what about that wind-in-the-hair feeling? Gregory Peck never wore a helmet when he took Audrey Hepburn for a ride (on his Vespa) in the movie Roman Holiday. If Gregory and Audrey don`t need it….Rajan and Rekha don`t need it either!

I mean, I would have worn a helmet if I did not like my wife chattering away to kingdom come, when I drive. But I do like it. It might distract me, but still I love it. And with a helmet on…we would not be able to exchange our love-notes.

And lastly, what about all that wildlife that I support by buying a helmet and keeping it safely in one corner of my house. When Rekha last moved my helmet, we saw four scorpions and nine spiders crawl out. Not to mention the three centipedes. If I were to wear my helmet, how would these beings survive? Menaka Gandhi might even slap a case against me!

I say guys….don`t wear helmets. Be a cool dude…and hit the tarmac with a smile on your face. Let roads be remembered by your name. Let people say, “This is the road where that dude crashed his head against the tarmac and died a glorious death.”

*This post is aimed at promoting the usage of helmets.

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
— Albert Einstein

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
— Woody Allen

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
— Steve Martin

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
— Anonymous

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
— Cher

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
— Erma Bombeck

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
— James Fineous McBride

It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
— Joan Rivers

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
— Shelley Winters

If I go to Google, and search for ‘Funny` among the web pages in India…this Blog gets thrown up third. Wow. Quite an achievement for this small man (read 165 cms).

For proof that this is not the funniest Blog in India, Click Here