Month: January 2008

How years fly by. Back then I was a dashing 30 year old, but now I am reduced to a weary 33-year-old man. Though dark complexioned, back then I was a heart throb amongst the dark skinned, relatively short Dravidians but now am caught in a vortex of tall, fair & handsome Aryans.

I am referring to an incident which happened in 2006 – a girl reader from Gurgaon mailed me saying January 31st was her birthday and she wanted an article dedicated to her. The confident girl hadn`t even sent her photograph, which would have helped me decide (We are suckers for profiles pics…aren`t we?). But the magnanimous I wrote an article titled A Birthday Post for Himani Sahni on January 31, 2006.

The problem with such high value birthday gifts is that, the receiver gets a taste of it. So on January 29, 2007 – exactly a year later – when I was struggling with the Cricket World Cup 2007`s special for Yahoo….I spotted a mail in my inbox and have given the text on the side in bigger font and darker color (just for emphasis):

It is my Birthday tomorrow and I would again like to request you to write something really hilarious and interesting…..I know I am being over demanding but wanna open my eyes with a big smile!

Not too sure about your work schedule….so if things are tough at your end and you are time stressed then pls feel free to reject the request. I would not mind:-)

Can somebody have the guts to place a second free request? Well, some people do.
Can somebody have the guts to refuse a second free request from girls? Well, some people don`t.

The disadvantage of being a descendant of Mahabharat`s Karna`s family is that you continue giving. So on January 31, 2007, I wrote another birthday article for this Gurgaon based girl and named it And then, one year flew by.

The second article did raise my wife`s suspicion. How could a married man dedicate two posts to the same girl? It didn`t matter that this girl was 2500 kilometers away – she stayed in Delhi and worked in Gurgaon and I was in Chennai!

Maybe that`s why when months later I told Rekha that we were moving to Gurgaon, she was like: “Huh? Anything to do with this Gurgaon friend of yours?”

Anyway, coming back to the issue at hand….today is January 31, 2008 and I haven`t yet got a mail from this Gurgaon girl asking for a blog post dedicated to her. Familiarity does breed contempt. Now don`t you go around shouting: “Familiarity also breeds children!”

Happy Birthday Friend!

Note: If you are a pretty girl (aged 22-30…what the hell… let me increase it to 35) and your birthday is fast approaching, please get in touch with me. You could get a free birthday post!

Other Funny Reads

# Dangers of Short Messaging Service (SMS)
# Sending off a girl to Mumbai
# On why I hate chicken….
# Valentine’s Day Special – A conversation overheard

In recent times my HR has been asking me to interview candidates for the few Product Manager openings ibibo has (and if you are interested, mail me your resume. If you get selected, I can always throw you a party with the referral money I make). Mind you, interviewing candidates is a difficult task…sometimes insulting too.

I wouldn`t reveal the candidate`s name, but you should know that she had an awesome resume. From the resume, I could also make out that she had been active in the blogging scene since 2003 – the year I had started blogging.

After introducing myself as JV Rajan , I asked her: “You have been an active blogger since 2003….do you have any favourites amongst the top Indian bloggers?”

“I love Amit Agarwal, Rashmi Bhansal & Amit Varma.” The lady knew her subject.

Not one to give up so soon, I insisted: “Any humor blogger you like?”

“Hmmm…I love Great Bong and Point Blank. Not to mention Swadeshe of Rahul Razdan, who I heard works for your company.”

I was shocked. I was under the impression everybody in this universe read Ouchmytoe and loved it. Here was a girl – a pretty one at that – who didn`t even mention Ouchmytoe in the top three.”

I persisted: “Have you heard of this humor blog called www.ouchmytoe.com?”

“What is the name of the guy?” She enquired.

“Some guy called Jammy.” I tried to control myself. In moments like this, it didn`t help to knit your brow and give the game away.

“Nah…never heard of it.”

I lost all interest in conducting the interview and went thro` the motions as a corpse in the Hollywood movie ‘Return of the Zombies`.

After 30 torturous minutes, we called it quits and went our own ways. I was able to manage myself because this definitely wasn`t the first time I was being insulted.

The last time, I remember was during lunch. Three of the people reporting into me (when I was with Satyam Computers, Chennai) were in a discussion. I just happened to over hear them because I was sitting at the next table…with my back to them.

Reportee 1: I think it isn`t Jammy`s mistake. His father shouldn`t have told his mother that night that he was feeling excited.

Reportee 2: ha ha ha…agree with you. You know, he is good….so good that when we manage to hang him, I would like a piece of the black cloth we put around his face.

Reportee 3: I would also like a piece then. I could frame and hang it on my drawing room wall.

Reportee 2: You know, I treasure every moment he isn`t in office.

Reportee 1: Me too. In fact, I think he should go to a mind-reader everyday and save us the trouble of seeing him in office daily.

Reportee 3: And for all we know…the mind-reader might only charge half the price.

Reportee 2: Man…I hate him so much …I wish I could flush him down.

Reportee 1: You mean, like a used toilet paper?

Reportee 2: No…like shit! That`s what he is full of anyways.

My sincere apologies, I an unable to re-produce the whole conversation here because I couldn`t sit there listening to all this talk. But then I am not alone – anybody would find the lunch revolting if the discussion bordered around shit!

Equally Funny Shit

# When somebody stole my show
# When I was no longer ‘cute` for the women
# Platonic relationships
# The tonsuring & ear piercing ceremony
# Flirting with an air hostess with a baby in hand
# Introducing: Sleeping beauty Rhea Rajan

Harry Kurnitz was once asked what he thought of Volkswagens. He said: “I have been in bigger women.” Not a polite thing to say, but I think the same of Tata Nano. Very unfortunate then, that Ratan Tata (the man who dreamt of Tata Nano and made it possible) has a father who shares his first name with me – Jamshedji Ratanji Tata.

In Automobile industry there have been quite a few car-for-the-masses experiments and not all have succeeded. We all know that Henry Ford`s Model T was a success…but then what about Yugoslavia`s cheap car project…which ended up making Yugo?

Here are some Yugo jokes I came across when I used to handle Sify`s automobile channel called Carstreet.com.

# How do you upgrade a Yugo car?
– Put in an engine.

# Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
– To keep your hands warm when you’re pushing them.

# What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user’s manual?
– The train & bus schedule.

# What is the sport-version of Yugo?
– The driver wears Nike shoes.

# What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
– A miracle.

# What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
– A mirage.

# How do you double the value of a Yugo?
– Half fill it with gasoline!

———–X———–X————

Having born in the era of white Ambassadors with curtains and mini fans, I didn`t see much of cars till I was really old. My 10-month-old daughter has already tried her hand on my Suzuki Swift`s steering wheel…but I was at least 11 years old when I first sat in a car – my father`s unit Commanding officer`s car, when he spotted us walking to school.

It all happened so fast, that I couldn`t even move my bums up and down and feel the cushions.

I had to wait till I started working before I next sat in a car. I was working late one night and I asked my boss if he could call me a cab.

He eventually did…but not before asking: “Do you want me to call you a cab to your face or behind your back?”

I remember sending the same boss an SMS, after I bought my Swift. See accompanying picture to see the SMS I sent. >>

Buying the car was the easy part…getting the four wheeler`s driving license wasn`t.

I remember the Brake Inspector asking me to demonstrate car parking. I thought I parked the car well, and walked up to him and asked: “So, how was it?”

“Well…it will get you a fine.”

“Ohh…and is ‘fine` enough? Or do I have to get a ‘good` or an ‘excellent`?

I remember being asked to try for my four wheeler`s license after three months.

If you have ridden a two-wheeler and now own a four-wheeler, you probably know the difference. When on my Yamaha 135, if I spotted an accident….I would drive carefully for the next ten minutes. Ever since I have bought a car I just say: “Kill ‘em bastards,” and drive faster.

Other Car Reads

# When this blogger met God
# Wish our real life had the benefits of online life
# How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
# Sending off a girl to Mumbai

I am no behavioral scientist, so please take whatever I say in this post with a pinch of salt. You will be happy to know that what I am going to tell you always happens around a dinning table in a restaurant – so salt will be at arms length.

Yes, seating arrangement in relationships change with time. When you and your partner are married, you won`t walk into a restaurant and take your positions, as you would if you were courting. My research in this area (aided by personal experience, of course) is spread over at least ten years.

During this research, I am not taking into account the behavior of my father and mother because back then eating in restaurants was a sin. Don`t believe me? Try ordering food from outside when your mother is visiting you. When I did, she asked me: “Why, has the cylinder gotten over?”

Anyway, during my research I have come to notice that there are six different positions that a couple can take when they walk into a restaurant – depending on which stage of their relationship they are in. Here, we are excluding gay couples because yours sincerely has not come across any. If at all he has, they have managed to hide the fact from him successfully.

Let me explain the six different positions in detail:

The getting-to-know-each-other stage

In this stage, the couple walks into the restaurant and feels happy that they are inside. If it is a small town (Madurai, for example) the couple even lets out a sigh of relief that they managed to enter the restaurant without a relative spotting them. The man then takes a position that allows him to see when the waiter is approaching. The lady sits directly opposite him. Some of the statements uttered by the lady are: “My friend Geeta has a boyfriend they have visited almost all the restaurants in the city” & “I would like to pack some food for my friends in hostel – the food there is really bad.” The man, if he is the talkative type might end up saying stuff like: “Maybe, next time we should go to a better place” (Girls, be warned…the man is pitching for the next outing already) & “You can have butter nan. Hope you aren`t cutting down because you think you are putting on weight.”

The Courtship Stage

By the time a couple reaches this stage, both have sworn allegiance to each other till death does them apart. Notice that the man still prefers to call the waiter and is willing to foot the bill. In this stage, the couple prefers to sit next to each other. The occasional brush of the legs and arms are cherished, and spoken about during late night phone calls in references like: “Remember that time when your shoe brushed against my shoe…that was heavenly.” This position also helps the couple get the same view, and thus help them make fun of other customers and have a hearty laugh.

The Engagement Stage

By the time the couple reaches this stage, they know each other well but are still yearning for more. Notice that the man still sits closer to the approaching waiter and thus is in command – he orders and he pays. In this stage, the chairs are pulled closer and the shoulders are almost touching. Since, in this stage the touching of shoulders is enough to send across an electric current… every trip to a restaurant is a shocking experience. Sweet nothings are whispered into each others ears which annoys the poor (read bachelor) waiter, who is still looking for a girl.

The Initial-Days-of-Marriage Stage

Every restaurant seems great in this stage. The ambience doesn`t matter…the food doesn`t matter. The couple believes that if they are together, they don`t need anything else. Notice the strange seating arrangement in this stage – which allows them to whisper into each other`s ears and yet allows them to gaze into each other`s eyes while they wait for the food. Notice the sudden change in the lady`s position (closer to the waiter`s path) which allows her to place the order and pay the bill. Note for those that are not married: More often than not, the bank accounts merge after marriage.

The Three-Years-After-Marriage Stage

This is stage when the couple has realized that they won`t die if they stop touching the other partner. While the lady continues to sit near the aisle, the couple now sit opposite each other. Sweet nothings are no longer whispered into each other`s ears…and neither a brush of the shoes spoken about. An occasional “Sorry!” is heard, when their feet touch under the table. Waiters love to serve couples in this stage, because it makes them happy about themselves. Some of the statements heard are: “Next time, remember not to bring me to this restaurant” & “These guys take so long to serve…why don`t they realize we come here to eat and not talk!”

The After-Two-Kids-Enter-The-Marriage Stage

Notice the lack of organization in the seating arrangement. Visits to restaurants are no longer occasions…but compulsions because the couple was busy earning money for their children and forgot to cook. Notice that the lady continues to sit near the aisle, and the couple take the two corners of the dining table. They do this to protect their two children from forks, pepper, salt and other such dangerous items one finds on dinning tables. Some of the statements heard are: “Let us cut down on such outings. Why don`t you ask the waiter if they deliver food home?” & “Who dropped hot soup on my feet?”

So which stage do you associate with?

Other Related Reads

# Do all married men need mistresses?
# Rekha and I visit Mocha, Chennai
# Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
# Valentine`s Day is over. Phew!

Just in case you didn`t know, I am 32 years old. Considering all the bullshit I deliver on Ouchmytoe, you probably thought I was a stud bull. Unfortunately, I am just another old man, who in 20 years time will get an ICICI loan for his daughter`s marriage to a US-based Software Engineer.

I wouldn`t have realized that I was old if I hadn`t had a 30 minute session with four of the interns in my office – three of them pretty and one handsome. They had completed their six months in ibibo and Uma Iyer and I were telling them how they can`t remain interns for ever and will have to branch out to different departments like Sales, Marketing, Project Management etc…of the organization.

Just to ensure, they didn`t feel any pressure I said: “I want you to understand that we want you to branch out and grow because ibibo cares for you, and not that we don`t need you anymore.”

“Yeah, we understand.” They said in unison.

“You trust me, right?” I asked.

While the handsome intern remained silent, the pretty ones let out the killer statement: “Jammy, we aren`t worried. You are like a father figure to us!”

Their statement hit me like a lead bullet…penetrated me, and left from my back leaving a wide wound. But I didn`t let my guard down…after all I was a true-blue professional.

Back home, I asked my wife: “Do I look old?”

“Not very,” was her response.

I looked into the mirror. I wasn`t balding. At least, not yet. My hair wasn`t graying. But I had dark circles around my eyes, thanks to long hours in front of my laptop. Wrinkles had only started camping at the corners of my eyes – but the dark skin was helping camouflage it. I smiled at myself, just to be sure that my smile didn`t betray a few wrinkles – they didn`t.

What could be wrong? I asked myself…why was I being considered a father figure…and why not a buddy?

We Rajans believe in cross checking everything. A practice, my father ingrained in us…while trying to investigate the crimes me and my two sisters committed as kids.

“Are you sure you saw Sumathy (the younger sister) use crayons on the white-washed walls?” he would ask us. If one of us answered in the negative, Sumathy wouldn`t have to wash her own clothes that day. Though we made sure, she always did.

“All girls in the right age group consider me to be a father figure. Why? Why me?” I asked Mohak Gambhir (no relation to Gautam Gambhir), a male colleague in office.

“Hmm…tough question. But I can keep a watch on you and get back with answers.” Mohak is a man with solutions…so I decided to wait for his answer.

Two days later, he got back with his analysis. He had a flow chart ready…which looked like this:

Other Fatherly Reads

# Father vs Mother – what will the child choose?
# Entering a new house in Gurgaon
# Every photograph has a story to tell
# To be a father or not to be
# Different types of fathers in law

But enough of me. Let us talk about you. What do YOU think of me?
– Bette Midler

Recently, I got a mail from my boss saying that I was being made Head of the Product Group, responsible for ibibo blogs, ibibo Sawaal, ibibo Locals, ibibo Opinions & ibibo Polls. Phew! I agree…that`s a long list of products to handle if you are just 165 cms tall.

Ever since, some of my colleagues have been telling me that success has gone to my head…and I now have a big Ego (jokingly of course!). Well, dear colleagues…I have always had a big ego.

Don`t believe me? Let me re-produce the conversation I and my girlfriend (the 7th one) had before she walked away from me.

“Jammy, you have a big ego.”

“Do I?”

“Yes. You can never think beyond yourself. I don`t think I can marry a man with such a big ego.”

“So, are you leaving the awesome me?”

“See, you are the only person who addresses himself as ‘awesome`.

“Well…anyway, will you be sharing this ‘ego` bit with your friends?”

“And you are only worried about what my girl friends would think of you.”

“Can`t you think of some other reason to give for the separation?”

“Hmm…I can. How about I say we separated due to religious reasons?”

“Religious reasons? How would you justify that, Madhuri?”

“I will say, you thought you were God…but I didn`t.”

That was the first time somebody had told me that I had a big ego. To take my mind off myself, I took to blogging…but now (thanks to your comments appreciating my funny articles) I am more in love with myself.

My love for myself is so high that if I had been born before Copernicus, I would have suggested a Jammy-centric model of the Universe. In case, you didn`t get the joke you probably need to know that Copernicus suggested a helio-centric model of the Universe, where everything revolved around the Sun.

Maybe my childhood was deprived. Maybe, I suffer from a major sense of inferiority and that`s why I always have to be the center of attraction.

While attending a marriage, I want to be the bridegroom (once, I did manage to dislodge the bridegroom and snap a picture with his wife!). When I am in the church attending a baby`s baptism, I so much want to be the baby. I didn`t think this ‘disease` was much to worry about till I attended a funeral – I wanted to be the corpse. It is another thing that people had surrounded the corpse, and didn`t give me any chance to creep under the white bed-sheet.

Believe me or not…but when I am alone…I crack a joke, laugh at it and then pat on my back myself. Sometimes, I do sprain my right arm while patting my back.

“What happened to your hand,” Rekha would ask. I would just say: “Nothing!” and walk past. But one day, she spotted love bites on the bathroom mirror and found out that I was in love with myself. Thankfully, I was able to hide the few cuts on my voluptuous lips.
Warning: It is dangerous to practice love bites on the mirror, at home.

Now, it is an open secret.

Other Must Reads

# Saving your skin in North India
# The Kingfisher Class – Part 1
# The Kingfisher Class – Part 2
# When I was a famous jockey

Somebody has put Photoshop to good use. To quote the source from where I have flicked this: “Nice use of Photoshop to create a recursive paradox and a self-fulfilling prophecy at the same time.” To view the photograph, get high on some hash….by clicking here –>