There is nothing like sipping white wine in the afternoon, content in the thought that the previous day`s pizza which is now in the refrigerator….is next in line. Any other day I would have preferred red wine. But why drink what you like when everything else in your life is going the other way?

Nah…I am just kidding. It isn`t that bad yet.

My wife has left me for a 45 day vacation. My girl friend will soon be leaving me for another guy. As for my daughter, she has forgotten that I exist. I am told in my daughter`s recently updated dictionary now “father” means the proud, plantain tree in the backyard of my father-in-law`s house. At least she got one bit right – the ‘proud` bit.

For the last 15 days I have been staying alone in Gurgaon, and here is how I have progressed:

Day 1:
Wow! Free again! Man needs his time away from wife. One definitely can`t smile at all the nagging all the time. Four years of marriage is long. Marriage should be a year long contract to be renewed at the end of the expiry date. Each party should be able to pull out of the contract with one month advance notice. Disputes, if any should be settled in the jurisdiction of the Husband`s home town.

Day 2:
Is it OK to walk nude out of the washroom when you are dripping wet to pick up the towel drying on the treadmill? Where are my ironed clothes? Where is the magic cupboard from where ironed clothes keep coming out every day? Socks? Why are they so small…can`t we have bigger socks so that they don`t get lost? Can`t a single sock be made…so one isn`t left with one in hand and another God knows where?

Day 3:
The two utensils that can be used to make tea are in the sink. Can`t have tea. Is Pepsi a good supplement for tea? In MBA classes they did mention that nimbu pani, tea & lassi are Pepsi`s competitors! Ironed clothes are fast running out. Is ironing other`s clothes still a career option? Are people still doing it? Where do they stay…how do I find them?

Day 4:
Damn! Soap slipped and fell in the potty. I know there is unused soap in the house. Where is it? Idea…let me use the small soap I picked up from Land`s End in Mumbai when I stayed there for three days….six years back. Split between corn flakes & oats. Corn flakes wins because the only utensil in which oats can be cooked is in the sink.

Day 5:
Shoes are dirty. Where is the shoe brush? Can I use the tooth brush and wash it later? Who is gonna know? Where is the house key? If I didn`t bring it inside the house how did I get in? Did I leave a window open? If I left the windows open did the thieves get in before I did? Did they hide under the bed to avoid detection? And slid out of the house when I dozed off? Check if everything is in place….don`t know what is where…but my laptop is safe. They definitely didn`t walk away with the internet connection.

Day 6:
Should I take up dieting? Instead of saying I slept hungry coz there was no food it feels better to say I was dieting. On second thoughts….Is Corn Flakes a good meal for dinner? Maybe for dinner I can have corn flakes with curd. For breakfast it can be had with milk. Wow…a balanced diet.

Day 7:
There are no clean undies to wear. Wear them inside out? Will colleagues know? Not till the boss strips me pants down….and that`s not gonna happen. Some consolation that I am not superman…else dirty undies will show.

Day 8:
When the tomato sauce is over…. pizza goes well with mango pickle. Why do Indians eat pizzas with tomato sauce?

Day 9:
Started drinking a lot of water – drinking out of the pressure cooker helps. All glasses in the sink. Ants on white marble floor make a good sight. But where are they all rushing? What can be the hurry in a bug`s life?

Day 10:
Girl friend busy with boyfriend (which unfortunately isn`t me). She is also out of town, so phone calls are getting costlier. Enough. I am missing my family. Independence comes with a certain amount of problems – wonder if Gandhi & Nehru also felt the same way 10 days after Indian independence?

Day 11, 12, 13, 14 & 15 have been equally good (positive, aren`t I?). In short…I have run out of patience to complete this article…so here it ends.

Have you downloaded the best of Ouchmytoe, yet?

Other Funny Reads

# How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
# Much married, much harried
# Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
# Traveling makes one intelligent…
# Group dynamics in a married man`s house

When a man makes a woman his wife….it is the highest compliment he can pay her. In 95% of the cases it is the last compliment. In the other 5% of cases, the last compliment is when the bags are being packed at the honeymoon location.

In most of these cases, this last ‘honeymoon` compliment is an indicator of the things to come. Here are some examples:

“You look good in a Saree!”
Meaning, the jeans that you are wearing now is bursting at its seams.

“You have worked hard this honeymoon, why don`t you sit and let me pack.”
Meaning, your packing is bad that we will need two extra bags.

Anyway, the brief is…making a woman your wife is the biggest compliment you can give her.

Ten years back my father gifted me a book by Dale Carnegie titled ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People`. It is a self help book that`s been on the New York Best Seller`s list for a whopping ten years and has sold 15 million copies so far. OK…now 15 million and one…now 15 million and three….now 15 million and four…. now 15 million and six….now 15 million and nine…

In the book, Dale Carnegie wanted me to compliment people no matter what. I began the practice 10 years back and have mastered the art. In the last ten years, I have complimented every person I have met at least once daily. So much so that I have run out of ideas.

Over the years I have also learnt never to give a compliment expecting a receipt for it. Especially because I am one dull and boring looking person – it only makes the life of the compliment receiver tough….makes him lie…and then go to hell.

Yesterday, with nothing else to say…I looked at my colleague Himanshu Mishra and said, “Nice shoulders!” He gave me a stare then and during lunch accosted me in the washroom. After a mild struggle, I managed to free myself and save my virginity.

Complimenting girls was easy earlier. I would start with the headband and work my way to the bindis, earrings, bangles, then to the anklets and then their high-heels.

With time, I wanted to improve on the quality of my compliments and ended up asking them to marry me. After all, didn`t somebody say that the best compliment you can give a lady is asking her to marry you?

Out of the 100s of girls I have asked out ….eight have agreed. What do I do? I am in a fix…please help!

Other Funny Reads

# Appreciating people who are different
# Am I turning into a woman?
# When deodorants got banned
# Maggi & Me – How Maggi has influenced my life
# Taking revenge, the Jammy way

Tell me….what comes to your mind when you say MBA? Masters of Business Administration? Monsters of Blah & Ass-licking? Mediocre But Arrogant? Or Married But Available?

If you haven`t yet got the hint, well……this post is about Abhijit Bhaduri. Like it happens with all famous men…if you don`t know Abhijit Bhaduri…let me explain….he is a leading HR Professional from India, who doubles up as a humor writer. The man in question once wrote a book titled Mediocre But Arrogant….which didn`t live up to its title…it wasn`t mediocre at all. After failing to ensure losses for his first publisher, he launched his second book Married But Available in the Indian Capital, today.

Being a humor writer of repute (hic! hic!) I was also invited to the launch. I am serious. If only there was a screenshot option in my mobile, I would have shown you the SMS he sent me.

Unfortunately, I couldn`t go.

Not feeling well…I was in my bed throughout the day. Staring onto a white wall with a rotating fan is like staring into a girl`s eyes. It makes you imagine things that don`t really exist the way you want them to exist.

I ended up imagining how the book launch would have proceeded.

You can buy MARRIED BUT AVAILABLE and get it delivered by mail (Order it from the Harper Collins site). You get a specially signed copy if you order by 30 September 2008. Buy Now
Still confused? Listen to him read out a chapter from his first book and then decide.

6.00 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri is prancing up and down the corridor waiting for the guests (read invitees like me….) to arrive.

6.15 p.m.: The first guests arrive. Most are his relatives, and friends who couldn`t refuse….or weren`t lucky enough to fall sick. A few of them are cursing him for launching a book on a weekend.

6.30 p.m.: Some fifty odd people have gathered. The publishers are now prancing up and down the corridor…they are waiting for the journalists to arrive, who like the police in Hindi movies, always arrive late.

6.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri has washed his face and donned a new coat of make up. Unlike me, he is a fair and handsome man alright….but who doesn`t need that extra coat of make up for that extra bit of glow on a big day? He checks his suit to see it is befitting the occasion – not all writers get published….fewer still get to make the second mistake.

7.00 p.m.: Everybody is in their seats – friends, relatives, readers, press-men, iron-walas…everybody. The publisher takes the podium and starts off on how he rejected Abhijit Bhaduri`s 18 manuscripts before he accepted the one that`s gone into print. After the publisher, the Editor of the book takes the podium for ten whole minutes and explains how Abhijit Bhaduri should have gone to a better school for better Grammar and how his punctuation leaves so much to be desired.

7.25 p.m.: After all the damage is done, Abhijit Bhaduri takes the stage. His time in Microsoft as the head of HR helps. He strikes a chord with the invitees right away. It helps that he is wearing a pink shirt with a violet trouser – after all he is a humor writer. He tries to contain the damage by saying that half of the 18 manuscripts rejected by the said publisher have been accepted by other publishers of repute. He also does some damage control on the “Grammar school” fiasco by saying he had a Grammar teacher who fell sick regularly.

7.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri finishes his speech and the whole crowd gets up in a standing ovulation. Ok, at least the ladies get up in standing ovulation.

7.50 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri invites the Chief Guest, who happens to be a humor blogger called Jammy and his girl friend called Tammy, to launch the book.

8.00 p.m.: Jammy starts off with ‘I know it is getting late and you all want to go home early….” and continues to talk about the good times (and some peanuts) he has had with Abhijit Bhaduri. How they are like a mobile phone and sim card, how they are like a CD and a CD Cover etc. Jammy has been talking for 35 minutes when Abhijit Bhaduri walks in with a bottle of water and wispers something into Jammy`s ears.

8.35 p.m.: Jammy launches the book, and the crowd erupts in jubilation. Don`t know why….but the reporters ignore Abhijit Bhaduri and surround Jammy. They ask him why he isn`t publishing a book…Jammy nods his head and walks into the sunset.

*Glad the launch happened in the evening, else walking into the sunset wouldn`t have been possible.
**If you are Abhijit Bhaduri and reading this…my apologies I couldn`t come there in person. Believe me, in spirit I was with you on your big day. The operational word being ‘Spirit`.

Other Funny Reads

# Guess what we bought this weekend…
# Dry fish, deep fried
# Now I have a ‘study` of my own…
# Being a celebrity is difficult…
# How to get into a conversation with a girl

Here is a phone conversation I had recently with my girl friend. No, it wasn`t with Rekha, my wife.

My girlfriend: Hi!
Me: Hey!

My girlfriend: I see a bit of sarcasm in your tone.
Me: Sarcasm? Why would I be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: How would I know? Ask yourself.
Me: But pray tell me, how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: You wouldn`t understand. Forget it.
Me: Aree…if you didn`t want me to think about it, why even mention it? Answer my question – how can a “Hi” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno. I no longer feel the same warmth in your tone.
Me: Is it because of the cold I have?

My girlfriend: See, you are being sarcastic again.
Me: Yes, this time….I agree.

My girlfriend: If you can agree now…why didn`t you agree earlier?
Me: I am not being sarcastic baby. Tell me what makes you think something is wrong.

My girlfriend: I don`t know. My heart says so.
Me: Your heart? I didn`t know hearts could speak!

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic again!
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: I feel things aren`t the same with us anymore.
Me: What makes you feel so?

My girlfriend: Your tone.
Me: Do you think gargling would help? It is this darn cold.

My girlfriend: I can see the sarcasm flowing again.
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: You never used to raise your voice with me.
Me: But baby, we have known each other for two years now. Even married couples start fighting in two years!

My girlfriend: Don`t. Don`t raise your voice.
Me: No I didn`t! I didn`t raise my voice at all!

My girlfriend: Now you are. Why are you shouting?
Me: If you get unreasonable, what do I do?

My girlfriend: See….I told you…you aren`t the same anymore.
Me: Ohh God. What makes you think so?

My girlfriend: Don`t raise your voice, I said.
Me: No sweetheart. I am not raising my voice.

My girlfriend: You don`t have to say that so loudly. I am NOT deaf.
Me: I know you are not deaf of ears….

My girlfriend: See…sarcasm again.
Me: Ohh my God. Tell me what I have to do to make you happy!

My girlfriend: Just be yourself.
Me: Baby, I am being myself.

My girlfriend: No, this isn`t the man I loved.
Me: I am just myself. How can a man who lives for 100 years change drastically in 2 years?

My girlfriend: You never used to argue with me earlier.
Me: I am not arguing!

My girlfriend: Don`t shout!
Me: I am not shouting!

My girlfriend: I think you want to dump me.
Me: No I don`t. Why would I? This started as a casual conversation and here we are talking of dumping?

My girlfriend: Yes. That`s what you want to do…and I can feel that.
Me: What makes you feel that?

My girlfriend: I donno….I just know.
Me: How can you know ….when you donno…

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: Ok fine. So what should we do? You suggest.

My girlfriend: Take a one-week break, maybe?
Me: I am fine with the idea, if that`s what you want.

My girlfriend: I don`t want that. I am just doing it for you.
Me: What??!!

My girlfriend: Yes. Let us take a break, if that`s what you want.
Me: Ok fine.

My girlfriend: Now you being sarcastic…
Me: How can “Ok fine” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: I donno too sweetheart. But bye.

My girlfriend: Bye.
Me: Yes, take care. Call me if you feel like calling me.

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic about my feelings now.
Me: Yes, I was.

*Thank God my phone`s charge went off. Else, you would have been forced to read two more pages of mindless conversation.

**Men out there, beware of women. They are complex. Worse than the Algebra that you dreaded in school.

Other Funny Reads

# I have a big ego, they say
# Do platonic relationships exist?
# How I averted a flood, an earthquake and a Hindu-Muslim riot
# Celebrating birthday economy class
# What if there were no clothes
# The story behind Taj Mahal

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Thought it might interest you. Some of the above keywords are unintentional, though. 🙂

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