Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

On why I hate old men in post offices with a postcard in their hand

I have to tell you about this gentleman I met in the post office.

I being a man of old thoughts and beliefs was entering the post office to send some money to my parents. And it was near the huge red post box that adorns most post offices that I met him.

“Sir, I cannot read or write, could you help me write a letter,” he said.

The man`s brashness upset me, and I almost ended up suggesting that it was not hard to guess his educational background.

Anyways, the good in me took over, and I readily agreed to do him the favor. We went inside the post office, and I started writing the letter on the post card he gave me.

The old man dictated as if he was some corporate honcho and I went about my job as if I were Lily, the silly.

“Here, you go old man. Your letter is complete,” I said after I finished.

“Just the address sir,” he requested.

“Fine,” an indignant me replied.

After I was finished with writing the address, he had another request.

“Sir, could you please sign at the end of the letter. My name is Mohana Karrupan.”

I had given up resistance, and went about signing his name.

I saw a smile on the old man`s face. I was happy, that I had done my good deed of the day. But the old man`s smile slowly vanished…and he seemed worried.

“Now what?” I asked.

He said, “nothing sir. Just wanted you to add a line at the end of the letter.”

“What line?” It was about to blow my top.

“Just that I am in a hurry, and hence the bad hand writing,” the old man announced.

I have never been to that post office since. Neither have I insisted on one good deed a day.

Improving night life in Chennai

In Singapore there is a bus service called Pub-crawlers. It picks up people who intend to do some pub hopping at a nominal price of $35 per night and take them to four different pubs in the city…each night. Pretty innovative.

The service has been around for a year now (actually, I am lying. I don`t even know if such a service really exists).

The service is so popular, that the owner has already bought a car. If you think that is a small achievement, picture this. To get a driving license in Singapore, one needs to pay $3000 as trainer fee to the guy who will teach you driving, and then invest in a car that will cost you anywhere between $ 100,000 to $10,00,000.

Was wondering, if such a service would sell in Chennai. Maybe, maybe not. But if an entrepreneur intends to borrow the idea and diversify he could mint money. Here are a few options with him –

Water Gatherer: This bus service will start around 9 p.m., just after the Corporation water tankers finish their round of water distribution. The idea would be to beat the tanker traffic, and wriggle your way to other sources of water like idling hand pumps, muddy public wells and points where the corporation water pipes are broken. The final stop will be the Marina beach. But that would be resorted to only if the earlier stops do not yield enough water.

Liquor store hopping: In Singapore, since the cost of owning a car is high the pub-crawlers are a big hit. But in Chennai, a guy who can afford a pub should invariably own a car. Proof: I do not own a car and do not go pub hopping. Hence, how about liquor store hopping? All shops close at 11 p.m. And for all those drunkards like me who get drunk and then look for more it is a nightmare. We would really welcome a bus service which could take us to all those joints where rum, whiskey, vodka blah blah are slid from under the shutters under the watchful eyes of policemen, well after 11 p.m. The only hitch is, the bus will have to be washed every morning (thanks to the overzealous drinkers like me) with Domex. But then, don`t we want to have a cleaner Chennai?

The Anti-Manager campaign

I generally despise Managers. The others get to do the work, and these guys walk away with all the accolades.

Even if they knew nothing about let us say subject A, they would wax eloquent on the topic till kingdom come..and would never give up. I wonder, what all I could accomplish, if I had the time they had. But one good thing I like about the Managers is, they never give up.

But then, as they say all good things come to end, the managers will become extinct. I think. With time, humans will become intelligent and realize that nobody needs a well-salaried, high-heeled gentleman (or woman) to just sit and watch work being done.

In short, the human race will identify them as fattest mammals lying around doing nothing..well..not exactly the fattest…there would be the dead whales.

Here are a few alternative jobs I would suggest –

– Space Securities: All Managers will be dispatched to the stratosphere and left there with their space suits on. Their job will be to watch out for asteroids on collision path with Mother Earth, and warn NASA and Bruce Willis` team in advance.
– Human Chimps: Cosmetics that were previously being tested on chimps could be tested on these guys. They need not do anything, just sit there with face-pack on their face.
– Electrical Testers: With the ban on plastics, Electricians will not be able to carry those traditional testers, which light up when they come in contact with electricity. All electricians will be accompanied by a Manager, who will step in for the tester – by inserting his finger into the nook and corners of the Electrical Boards.

Note: These suggestions have nothing to do with my hatred for Managers.

The Sexy Mafia

I know this girl
And I think she is mafia.
Shes a BOMB herself.
Now, that’s a handy weapon.

She also sells opium
For when I near her
I get a high.

An expert in unarmed combat,
She just has to touch me.
And I cave in.

Shes got weapons hidden
Underneath her jacket
That could blow my head apart.

She avoids the public glare.
Prefers `secret’ redenzvous.
But I dare not.

For I am a man of virtues,
A man quite chaste.
Joining a mafioso is ….er..
Not upto my taste!!!

– jamshed `Corleone’ rajan

Tipping the Scales

It is very true that the rich are less generous than the poor. The best example lies in the tip that we leave for the waiter, once the meal is over. A good tip will be/should be 15% of the cost of the bill. I know that is on the higher side, but that is the way it works.
I do not leave a great tip…about Rs 10 for every hundred…at the max…which means I should have dinned with a girl, who agreed to come home….. It is a no-brainer, that this does not happen with me…hence I always end up paying much less.

No wonder, I keep getting hints from the waiters wherever I go. Esp if I am going to a restaurant for the second time. They seem to say, “Ok, last time was not a great harvest, how about tipping me appropriately this time.”

Here is one such incident….a little exaggerrated.

 

Going mobile…for the pretty babe

I have a Nokia 3310. A very basic model when compared to the hi-tech mobiles that I see in the hands of hi-tech people. I am not aware of the features that the latest of mobiles come with, but I think the phone companies should seriously think of incorporating the below given suggestions if they have to stay ahead of the competition.

Spot The Number
I should be able to point the mobile at any pretty girl and press a single button, and get her phone number stored. This could be risky if girls start carrying their father’s mobiles, but considering the benefit the features offers, it is worth the risk.

Locked Stocked
This feature will help me point a mobile to another irresistible girl and get into the lock mode. Once locked, she should not be able to lose me. Thus, I can find out where all those pretty babes stay.

Invisible Mode
Once locked to a girl’s mobile, I should have the option of going underground, yet being linked to her mobile. Whenever she gets a call or she makes a call, my phone should ring…and I should be able to listen to the full conversation. This will help me know her likes and dislikes…and in the process increase my chances.

Slippery Contact
This feature will help me call her up on her mobile, yet not divulge my number. I will be able to express my love for the lady and yet not risk my neck on the altar of love.

Voice Sexizer
This feature will turn my moronic voice into like that of Stallone’s.

Pronunciation Enhancer
This feature will roll my tongue for me and help me pronounce all the difficult words like – excited, love, sex, horny…blah blah

The Mimic Artist
This feature will store the conversation between the pretty lady and her friends, and later help me mimic her friends. Thus, I would blow my own trumpet till kingdom come and find a foothold in her heart.

Commitment Negater
This feature will ensure the disabling of my mobile the moment she talks of meeting parents, eloping, engagement or marriage. It will work on a key-word system, that I could feed into my mobile.

The most important feature will be called Blow Yourself Up You Sucker. This would be one red button that will help me blow myself up, if I still fail to get the pretty one!

When daddy came home early – to tell stories

Do you have a kid at home? And do you find it difficult to spend quality time with him…rather get to see him only late in the night when he is in bed. Here is your chance to redeem your guilt. Tell him a story that he would remember for life…and in the process become the Best Daddy of the World. Read on ……
There is nothing more interesting for your kid than to listen a bedtime story from his/her father. You might be tired from the day out at office, or probably do not have time on your hands, but I can tell you it is that five-minute presentation of yours that will make you a hero in your kid`s eyes. Try it tonight.

Still unconvinced? After your story, here is what your kid will go to his bed with –

1) A hero to look up to
2) Liking for adventures
3) A solution for every challenge
4) Love for you

What kind of stories?
To say it in a sentence, your stories need to have a good protagonist, who needs to embark on an adventure, meet up a challenge in neverland, and be back home after solving it, for a happy ending. Even before you start, keep in mind that all stories should have a happy ending, and only monsters and bad guys get killed.

Creative stories make for good listening and in the process also help your kid build a good memory. Not to mention all those life-lessons he would learn.

Before you walk into his bedroom, have the story blue print ready. Ensure that you have given your hero (and your son`s future role model) an easy-to-remember name. As much as possible, try to use “Once Upon a time” to begin your story. With these four words you transport your kid to the world of imagination. A place where the people, trees, animals, and even the colors are his own. He paints it according to his tastes, and waits for the next sentence.

You have nothing to fear because this is a World of his own creation, and a kids mind cannot be as corrupt as yours. Besides, he needs a break from this world of bricks and mortar.

You hero needs to be honest, funny and determined. Give him/her a name that is easy to remember…something like a Mr Hornbill or Mr Shadow or maybe Miss Sweet Lime. My father had created a few heroes for my sisters and me – Miss Goosebumps, Mr ShortHands and Mr Pick-a-boo. I have not forgotten. And believe me, neither would your son.

Your kid has to be impressed with the protagonist you conjure up, so articulate you voice when you are speaking for the hero. Crack a few jokes here and there. To make the narration interesting, you could use some of the things you find on your kid`s bed as props.

In fact, your hero need not necessarily be a human being. It could even be a rat, a fox or a tree. But make sure you kid associates with the being. Make sure your protagonist has no weakness, and even if there is a temporary glitch, ensure that the character fights his way out of the mess.

There is one thing that you might be tempted to fall back just when your son`s hero is n trouble and you have ran out of creativity. And that is magic. Refrain from stories where the hero`s problem is solved by magic or supernatural powers. Some day, your son might be waiting for the same magic to happen, not trying on his own.

Your stories should be memorable, yet should have values. Believe me, it would be fun when you hear your grown up kids tell the same stories to your grand children!

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When Security increases

Yesterday South Indian actress Jyothika came to our office, and the whole building was cordoned off. She had requested for extra layer of security coz, it seems she is not good at handling crowd.

This made me think. In future, the World will be full of criminals, who want to rob, kidnap or kill. And since the voters will be intelligent (hopefully) the Government will have to do something about the crime rate. And since, it cannot sieve out the criminals from the society at will, the Govt will be forced to take samples of DNA, urine, stool, hair, blood, fingerprints etc from everybody on this planet.

This database will help to sort out criminals as soon as they commit the crime. With so much at stake, the criminals will get jobs. Most of them will end up becoming professional hackers.

But, with the decline of crime the Govt will not be able to return all the samples. Besides, too much of logistics…they would have started smelling. One can safely expect the Govt to get stricter, to keep the crime rate down.

Here are a few experiences you could be part of in such an age –

1) You walk into an ATM, give a sample of your stool and wait for the report that confirms your identity, and then withdraw your money.

2) When you go to pick up your bike/car from the parking lot, the security guard will scarp some plastic from the handles/steering wheel and send it for DNA testing. You will get the bike once the DNA report confirms your claim.

3) To get into your office, you will have to stand before an apparatus that will pluck both your eyes and take it to the Server room, where all the replicas of employees` eyes are stored. Once the replica is found and you identity is confirmed, the apparatus will bring back your eyes and place them in your sockets. You really do not have to worry about the blind period because it will last only a few seconds. Vice-Presidents and above will have only one of their eyes plucked.

4) For security reasons the toilet for your house will be outside. To enter your house, all you need to do is go to the toilet and take a dump. The mechanized toilet that it would be, a stool analysis will be done within seconds and when you flush a confirmation report on toilet paper will appear from behind the potty. And the door to your house will open.

If you want to know access details of anything in particular, let me know by posting a comment. Will get back to you.

Yours truly,

Jammy
Security Consultant to the Govt,
India.
28th May, 2035