Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

National Animal – a national concern

I am glad our National animal is a Tiger. It is proud animal, just like we Indians. While I understand, beauty is but skin deep (never really seen a skinned tiger), I would still say tigers are beautiful animals.


Wonder what would have happened if a Pig was our national Animal? Or for that matter a Donkey…or a Mule. Or how about a Mouse? A dog? Or a skunk?

I would not want to live in a country where the National emblem has a Mouse. Would be a big let down for all Indians, except Lord Ganesha, who would love to see his vahanam being patronized.

A Donkey would not make a good sight on our coins and rupee notes. Agreed the merchants in Tamil Nadu display a donkey`s picture in their shops to boost sales (I am not making up this belief), yet, I do not think he would look good on a coin.

Imagine Indian cricketers sporting a skunk on their chest when they enter the field to take on Australia. The Kangaroos would run away. For the uninitiated, skunks are small beings that let out a very stinky substance when challenged and you are doomed for life….well almost …because it will take you a fortnight to get rid of the stink. That is, if you take bath daily in tomato juice.

Everything said and done, am glad our National Animal is not Man. Would have complicated things!

I am getting married…

It is official. Rekha and I are getting married this Sept.

For those of you who have had the misfortune of knowing Rekha, well, bad luck. And for those of you who do not know her…you are lucky. Believe me. It is not always great to know somebody who stares you down when you look around at other girls, does not let you smoke or drink…or for that matter even eat oily food.

Her life revolves around the Khans and Bips of Bollywood. Here is an explanation –
JV Rajan: Sachin Tendulkar is the same as Rekha TP: Shah Rukh Khan.

Her work involves loads of Movies. And since my work is a lot of cricket, one can safely assume that it would be a marriage of sorts between Cricket and Movies. In fact Rekha has already decided to name our first-born Laagan.

I wonder if at all it is a safe decision. Especially, marrying a girl from Kannur (Cannanore in English), known for its well-managed riots. After all, Rekha once used to be the neighbor of Doctor Omana. To know more about this Kannur Doctor, ask around your mal friends and you would get it in graphic detail.

Tonight, how about lighting a candle for me….

In Kannur:
According to reliable sources, when my father asked Rekha`s hand for his son, her father jumped up on his feet, danced around and sang: Aasa dosa appala vada. The report is yet to be confirmed.

Sucker Punch

Is it the irresponsible consumer who is to be blamed. Or is it the companies?

Laloo Prasad Yadav, Minister for Railways

Laloo fan? Download wallpaper now!

Manmohan Singh`s decision is bound to have far-reaching effects. Thanks mainly to the Indian Railway`s network spread far and wide.

I am sure, all of us are glad that such an important ministry is in the safe hands of Laloo. A few critics suggest that he should have got the Agriculture portfolio. A few sterner critics explicitly hint that he should have been made Minister of State for Animal Husbandry. Pity those critics for they do not know that this was a revolutionary decision. Here are some pointers –

For the common folks
– If you are from Bihar, you need not buy train tickets
– If you are traveling in Bihar, you need not buy the tickets
– The vegetable vendors are free to ply their trade on all inter-state trains. You could sell pets too, but only domesticated.
– Beedi smoking will be allowed. But the ban on cigarette smoking will stay.
– If you are Laloo`s relative, you need not reserve your tickets early.
– The pantry cars will also sell cowfeed. But large scale buying and selling won`t be permitted.

For the rich folks
– If you are from Bihar, you are requested not to buy tickets. Just enter the compartment, grab a seat, walk up to the pantry, buy large quantities of the cowfeed being sold, walk back and light a cigarette and relax.

Here is a story that I read about Laloo. Thought will share it: Laloo was giving an enthusiastic speech. During his verbal diarrhea, he held out a potato in his right hand and a tomato in his left. He looked at the potato…sported his customary smile and said, “This is us, the RJD….strong …cannot be crushed.” Even as he said the above, he tried to squeeze the potato…but nothing happened…and the crowd roared. He then shifted his attention to the tomato and said, “this is the opposition and we will crush them.” So saying, he crushed the tomato. The crowd went ecstatic. Laloo had to be evacuated by a helicopter because the spectators broke through the security barricade. One wonders what was on their mind!

My baptism

Fortunately or unfortunately, my baptism did not involve wine. Instead, it was rum. 

It all started when I was in class X. My biology teacher Mrs Geeta Kumari asked me to bring a dash of alcohol to school so that I could in-sensitize the frog I would dissect the following day.

My father`s 32 years in the Army helped. He lined up the liquor bottles and asked me to choose one from among his repertoire. The magnanimous gent that he was he agreed to part with the designer-friendly Old Monk rum bottle that caught my eye. I told him that the onus of in-sensitizing all the 20+ frogs for the class was on me.

Seldom has a young lad of 16 walked into a school building with a Old Monk bottle in full display. Later in the day, the teacher would say a few drops of the highly intoxicating liquid that I was carrying would be enough for the amphibians. Needless to say, the rest was consumed by 16 of my classmates. Fourteen of those got spanked by their fathers on returning home. The other two did not reach home till it was late in the night and their parents had already filed FIRs. They also got spanked.

The next day at school was different. Everybody was aware of our escapade, and there was no escaping the naughty looks we got from even our juniors.

Since, I was the protagonist of the episode, the Principal asked my father to meet him. They had a nice long chat…must have lasted an hour or so. I do not know what transpired between the two, but the next evening the principal came home for a drinking session with my father.

Ready to entice

Eyes of a fish,
With deep sea-secrets,
Drowning the innocent.

Cheeks of a rose bud,
Soft and subtle,
Waiting to blush.

Forehead of a pigeon,
a play ground,
for her thoughts.

Lips like a spring tendril,
Curved and fresh,
Ready to entice.

Dark clouds for hair,
waiting to drench a trespasser,
with her body smell.

Hic.. hic…hic

Is the trespasser me?!

Vision Statement

Most often than not, Vision Statements form the first slide in all corporate presentations. Suggest, from now onwards we all have it as the last slide. Who would want to start off with something that deep down in our hearts we know is not possible and is a darn lie.

Sonia and Manmohan caught on tape

Inspired by this guy at http://bigshakes.rediffblogs.com

Here is the transcript of a discussion between Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh, just before the Italian lady decided not to become the Prime Minister.

SONIA: Praji, do you think I should become the first foreign Prime Minister of India?
MANMOHAN: Not necessarily.
SONIA: You suggesting that I should not?
MANMOHAN: I did not mean that.
SONIA: What did your statement imply?
MANMOHAN: Just that the BJP, esp Shusma Swaraj and Uma Bharati would not be very happy if you become the PM.
SONIA: Guess you are right. How about Rahul or Priyanka as the PM?
MANMOHAN: Maybe not. Remember, they are half Italians?
SONIA: I do not understand this hatred for Italians. They seem to love Pizza and Ferrari.
MANMOHAN: Yes, it baffles me sometimes. In fact, the most ardent Ferrari fan Vinesh Nair is against you becoming the PM.
SONIA: You must be kidding!
MANMOHAN: No, I am serious. In fact, he has started a drive against you. While he is holding his cards close to his chest, our intelligence reports suggest that he has quit having Pizza.
SONIA: What do you suggest?
MANMOHAN: I am ready to share your burden. I could become the Prime Minister. Would help the keep the Sensex steady.
SONIA: How will you manage that?
MANMOHAN: How would I know? It always happens. Remember, everything was hunky-dory when I was the Finance Minister last time.
SONIA: I do not remember.
MANMOHAN: Don`t you remember that guy called Rajan who wanted to become a Surgeon but decided to do Economics only because I was awarded the title “1993`s Best Finance Minister of Asia”.
SONIA: Ok fine. Assume you become the PM. What is in it for me?
MANMOHAN: You could become the Foreign Minister and catch up with your family at the Govt`s cost. Moreover, the World would know that you are not power hungry.
SONIA: What about that ex-Uttar Pradesh MP who is threatening to shoot himself if I do not become the PM?
MANMOHAN: I enquired. It seems he was a theatre artist before he entered politics.
SONIA: That solves it. What if you sideline me after becoming the PM?
MANMOHAN: I cannot do that. You know I am a sardarji and I cannot think, leave alone conspire.
SONIA: That`s true.
MANMOHAN: Also, I can keep a check on Maneka and her son.
SONIA: But I want a road in every locality named after me. Preferably, roads next to the ones named after my husband Rajiv.
MANMOHAN: Sure, can arrange for that. Anything else?
SONIA: How about a statue in Chennai?
MANMOHAN: Why Chennai?
SONIA: They are the only people who allow for statues when the person is living.
MANMOHAN: Done deal. But you might have to wait till we overthrow Jayalalitha. With her around you cannot dream of any statue…she is known for removing them in the middle of the night.
SONIA: Understandable.
MANMOHAN: What do we do with Pranab Mukherjee?
SONIA: How about the Finance Ministry?
MANMOHAN: I had reserved it for P Chidambaram.
SONIA: Shucks. Lets keep our options open. Greedy buggers will go to any levels to get a Ministry. Understandable though, eight years out of power empties the coffers.
MANMOHAN: Ok. It is 11.30 in the night. Meet me tomorrow at my office to discuss the cabinet.
SONIA: I can already feel a change in you.
MANMOHAN: Oops! Ms Sonia, when can I drop by at your office? Need your advice on the Cabinet Ministers.
SONIA: Hmm…..will check with Rahul and let you know tomorrow morning.
MANMOHAN: Did I just hear a Dictaphone click….

I then picked up my dictaphone and ran for my life.