Author: Jamshed V Rajan

What is Sympathetic Obesity Syndrome

In the World of Gynecologists there exists a term called ‘Sympathetic Obesity Syndrome.` If you are a doctor and know that such a term doesn`t exist…well…it exists now. In fact, now that you have found out, I might as well name – ‘Jammy`s Obesity`.

To cut the fat story short, when a lady is pregnant…she eats a lot. My wife indulged in various items found both inside and outside the refrigerator. Her indulgence was so intense that when the baby arrived the refrigerator was empty. Outside the refrigerator…we were left with out double bed, treadmill, Television, bookshelf, computer, printer and the stack of newspaper. Some clothes of mine went missing, but I doubt if my wife had a hand.

When the lady of the house eats so much it becomes difficult for the man of the house to remain inactive – the competitive animal that he is. In no time, the man in the house also starts putting on weight. Needless to say, I fell prey to this conspiracy of nature and today I am a bulky man. To five you the facts, Rekha put on 11 Kgs during her pregnancy and I put on 17 Kgs.

Now that my wife has delivered, she has lost all the weight and is almost back in shape. When I approached the gynecologist, he refused to induce labor and thus am left with all of my 17 Kgs intact.

Walking into a fitness center

Unable to handle the trauma, I walked into a fitness center five days after our baby was born.

“Hi, I am here lose weight,” I said.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were showing off their muscles on all the walls. For those who didn`t know…Arnie didn`t start his movie career with a porn movie. His first was Hercules in New York. However, Stallone had good fun before he started acting with clothed women (his first movie was Party at Kitty and Stud’s. No, serious).

The lady at the counter looked at me from top to bottom and smiled. Perhaps she found effeminate…but tell you what…she was so much on steroids that it wouldn`t have been appropriate of me to address her as ‘sister`. I probably had to refer to her as ‘that brother at the counter`.

“You have come to the right place”, she said.

“Thanks. So, how much will it cost me to join your fitness center?” Cost would have definitely been a factor. If it was too costly…I had decided to stop using the treadmill at home as a clothes line and use it for jogging.

“We are pretty cheap at Rs 20,000 for six months.”

“If that is what you gain from me, what do I gain?” I heard my voice shaking…for I didn`t want to intimidate the huge lady.

“Down here, you all come to lose…not gain.” She smiled. She was cracking a joke she knew by heart.

“That`s true. So let me re-phrase my question. How much do I stand to lose?” Surprisingly, I was being persistent.

“It depends on your level of involvement. We had a guy walk in yesterday and today he lost 20 Kgs.”

“Wow…that soon? How?” They sure showed quick results.

“Well, this was a unique case. He didn`t know to use the treadmill and ripped his leg off while running on it. But the end result was a body that`s lighter by 20 Kgs.”

Resisting a ‘lady` brother`s approaches

I stiffed up. What business were these guys into? Fitness center or contract killing where the victim pays for his own death?

“I am sorry. I don`t think I can join you.” I said fearing the worst.

The lady moved from behind the counter, came near me and placed her hands on my shoulder. Believe me, a lady is a lady…even if she looks like a brother…and when she kept her hands on my shoulder, I felt a surge of love.

She softly whispered into my ears: “We will make you feel welcome everyday.”

Surprisingly, I was still resisting. I searched my brain for something convincing to say and finally blurted out what Carol Leifer had once said: “But, my philosophy is different from yours. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.”

I don`t think she heard what I said. Perhaps she had a liking for me…for she ran her hand behind my back and asked me for the second time, “So, how flexible are you?”

I thought for a while before answering: “Mondays and Tuesdays are hectic. I can come on rest of the days.”

I am now a member of the fitness center. I see her everyday but she turns her head away…wonder what she meant when she asked me how flexible I was.

Other Funny, Funnier, Funniest Reads

# Conversation: Optimist vs Pessimist
# Getting a treadmill for the house…
# Treadmill and its implications
# Fitness Tip: Smoking, a virtue
# Looking for smiling joggers

The Klein family united via Yahoo Groups!

One of the daughters of two split sisters set up a group and sent across messages to all Judys born on April 7, 1940. This letter was also put up on the Group home page for all others to see. The KleinFamily Group | The Letter sent to all Judys

The plot got interesting when the actual family didn`t spot this Group but a third party spotted I and said: “Hey! I know a Judy who has been looking for her long lost sister for the last 40 years!” The First Contact

If you have the time, you can go thro’ the initial messages shared – makes interesting reading. Very filmi. 🙂

I am not the kind to make fun of somebody`s mistakes – especially because my English teacher never made fun of me. She didn`t because she knew that I was eyeing her and if she showed more care towards me (coz I was weak), I might mistake that for love.

There were eight of us in the class who were in love with that English teacher. Incidentally, she had stepped down from being a college lecturer to being a higher secondary school teacher because of the “typical lover boy behavior” by everybody in college.

Why am I giving you all this gyaan? Well, check out this visiting card I picked up two days back. If you don`t get the humor, leave a comment – just make sure it is anonymous. 🙂

Any other such visiting card mistakes you are aware of?

That is when I first accepted taking the war to his turf by bringing in weapons of mess destruction. I had picked up the butter knife and fork from the Rekha`s mess that we call kitchen. The sharp negotiators that Rajans are, I only gave up my fork and didn`t reveal the butter knife and the bottle of Harpic.

Don’t understand a thing? Don’t get the context? Well…you are reading part three of a series and looks like you haven’t read the first & the second parts. Please read When I was the villain – Part 1 and When I was the villain – Part 2 before you proceed any further.

As soon as I entered his territory, I knew I was going to have a tough time. He had strategically placed evidence of Priya`s love for him – mushy greeting cards on the television and decorative hangings on the walls. Here is a sample to give you an idea of how big a show off he was: Just below a 15-inch-by-20-inch wall hanging with “I love you” embroidered on it, there was a 40-inch-by-60-inch chart paper saying: “Gifted by Priya”.

I hadn`t known that the girl had fallen completely for this bloke`s smooth talk I somehow needed to save her. Now, my job was going to be even more difficult.

“Let us go to the terrace,” my enemy-number-one said.

“Sure,” I said. Though I had said it I wasn`t so sure. What if he had organized for a pretty girl to jump at me as soon as I stepped onto the terrace, and also arranged for photographers from newspapers like The Indian Express, The Hindu, The Statesman, Pioneer, Times of India and many more to catch me in compromising position with the lady and put them on their newspaper`s front pages with headlines like “Top Blogger caught with pants down”, Ouchmytoe`s Chairman chairs a paid sex worker”, “Ouch my f*&^ing toe, says Jammy” and the most dreaded of them all, “Who is THIS girl, asks blogger`s wife”.

Had I known that the duel would be held in a terrace, I would have practiced jumping from a third storied houses without my shoes, or at least I would have learnt wrappling – the art of sliding down ropes.

Just when I was surveying the only exit – a door to the staircase – Rahul asked if I would be terribly upset if he left the house for 10 minutes or so to make a STD call. I said what any Rajan would have said: “Sure.” Those were the days when a single call on your mobile cost no less than Rs 7….and this guy had to make an STD. While on the topic, can STDs be transmitted thro` STDs?

As soon as he left, I checked under the mattress spread on the terrace for wires and detonators. Once this check was over, I pulled out the ‘poison tester` which one of my uncles had got me from West Indies and tested the Pepsi he had left for me. It tested negative for Aconite and the other popular poisons. Unlike people, popular poisons are also effective poisons.

After vigorous testing, I looked around for other exits and found a ladder against one of the side walls. I decided to use it in case of emergencies – leaving nothing to chance, I even tried the ladder once. It was a dress rehearsal of sorts because I went down the ladder and came back again. The wooden ladder could well have been a corporate ladder…it was easy to go down but difficult to come up.

I was panting when I heard Rahul climbing the stairs. As he entered, I said “Welcome, dear Rahul.” The way I said it made it clear to all present that I was in command of the situation.

On the way back, he had picked up two beers. The fact that he didn`t ask me if I preferred beer over whiskey or vice-versa didn`t bother me much. After all, we Rajans are known for our adaptability.

As he looked around for the beer opener, I tried to seize the upper hand in conversation by saying: “Maybe you should have asked Tendulkar to come over.” He didn`t get the joke. If you are also an MT, here is the complete explanation: I had asked him to bring along Tendulkar because he was/is an opener.

We chatted for a while, during which he gained the conversational upper hand. That`s when Priya called. How much I wish 9884391229 (number changed to avoid angry, blank calls from Ouchmytoe readers) was my mobile number for then I would have picked up the call and spoken to Priya. Alas, it was his and I was now listening to one side of the conversation. This is how it went –

Rahul: I have a guest with me.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: You have probably seen him.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: A short, round-about guy. Looks like a cross between Nana Patekar and Johnny Lever.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Dances to the name Jammy. Heard of him?

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Ohh…yeah. The same guy we were laughing about the other day.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Yeah…yeah…the cooler guy.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: We are just having a beer. Yeah…he leaves the minute he finishes it. Promise.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Aree…promise yaar. Trust me.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Ok…I will call to confirm. In fact, don`t wait up for this stupid little thing. Will send you an SMS as soon as he leaves.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Some day you have to tell me why you hate him so much.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Sure sweetheart. Love you too.

Priya: blah blah blah

Rahul: Bye…good night.

Priya: blah blah blah

A good trait about the Rajans is that we can smile even in adversity. A trait we develop early. My mother says I developed it as early as two months…when I would shit in my cloth napkin and smile as if nothing happened.

Anyway, as I was saying….I smiled at Rahul once he was done with the call.

He said: “That was Priya. She was having trouble remembering your face.” He had victory written all over his face.

I maintained my smile (though I did wonder if I could salvage some pride by jumping down the terrace). We Rajans love a good love story with a happy ending. I asked him: “So, are you going to marry her?”

“Well, if you insist…I can marry her as a favor to you.” He started smiling even before he finished his sentence.

Phew! That was easy. I didn`t tell Rahul how glad I was. I finished my beer in two minutes flat and left his apartment a contended man for I had succeeded in saving Priya`s dignity and love life.

I still wonder if Rahul sent Priya the SMS, that fateful night.

Other Funny, Funnier, Funniest Reads

# Places you visit before and after marriage
# Making full use of the bath tub
# Conversation: Osama vs Batman
# Inviting friends over
# If only we could hear the mind speak

Tomorrow at 11 a.m. or so, I will be working on the 3rd part of the ‘When I was the villain’ series. Here is your chance to make the ‘story ending’ difficult for me – leave a word or phrase I should include in the third part of the series. Would be great if one reader leaves only one word/phrase.

I will try and include a many words and phrases as possible…and ensure they don’t read like force fits. By suggesting words/phrases, you will be contributing to the story’s end. After all, I can’t use the word ‘funeral’ without killing one of the characters!

Warning: Words like B*&^%%$, F&^&%$#$, I*&^$#, D$#@&, O&^%$% and Q@#%&*&^% can’t be left in the comment box.

Update

I did try using the words suggested…but it was pathetic to read. In order to maintain the Ouchmytoe tradition, I had to let down the readers and write the final part of the series without using any of the words. Please note that if some of the words/phrases have made it to the article…it is purely unintentional.

Going by the words suggested…I sure under-estimated the intelligence of the Ouchmytoe readership. A stupid writer doesn’t always get a stupid audience.

PS: Will try and come up with separate article using the words suggested.

The view from the hill is pretty. I am picking up speed too. Only sometime back my thighs were packed trying to force-pedal the bike….but now life is so easy.

Somebody had said that after 30, it would all be downhill…so true.

Birthday Update

Thanks everybody for all your wishes. With two women in my life…rest assured I will need all your blessings.

Some Statistics

On my birthday, I got 3 SMS’ and one-and-a-half call from Ouchmytoe readers. I say one-and-a-half because one of the callers asked me to call him back as soon as I picked up the phone and said, “Jammy here.” He saved Rs 98/- because he spoke for 37 minutes on how I had celebrated my birthday.

Moral of the Story: Never mention your mobile number on your blog, esp in a post announcing your ‘happy’ birthday.