Author: Jamshed V Rajan

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. – Johnny Carson (1925 – 2005)

A few days back my team mate Sushmita said I looked good only when I didn`t use the costly hair gel (at Rs 350 per 100 grams) I had bought. If only she had said it a week back, I wouldn`t have wasted my Rs 350/- on the pack. One can`t really take the word of a 20 odd years old girl`s words at face value, especially if she belongs to your team.

I like people talking about me (why else would I blog?) and I thought my hair would make a great at-the-lunch-table discussion. Needless to say, I brought up the topic during lunch.

“So, how do I look without the gel today?” I asked.

Right when I had a few eyeballs looking my side, Naarayan butted in: “Did you guys see NDTV? They spotted a tortoise in the Crocodile Park?”

I know it is hard to believe but everybody responded to Naarayan`s question and ignored mine – a clear case of the tortoise winning over the hair.

A less strong-in-the-heart man would have found it difficult to get back the focus back to the hair but I did.

I looked at Leena (a good friend at work) and said: “Did you know, somebody told me that I look better without the hair gel.”

“Don`t tell me you went to the Helen Keller institute yesterday!” The giant conversation killer had struck…my second attempt at brining up hair-talk was buried deep.

This is the advantage of having born in a military family – one never gives up. I looked around…Aparna seemed a vulnerable target. She was busy with her Musk Melon juice. I hate juice. Wonder if that puts me in the league of people like Hitler, for he also hated juice. At least that`s what I had read in the history books.

I looked at her for a while – she did seem the right target. 

“What do you think about my hair, Aparna?” I asked.

“Hair today…there tomorrow.” Philosophical. Wonder if Musk Melon was Socrates` favorite fruit.

Like I have said before, it takes great courage to get up each time somebody piques you and yours sincerely has loads of it.

Ramesh had finished his lunch and was having his sweet. He seemed to be in a good mood, and perhaps that`s why I asked him: “Ramesh, my hair?” Even as I let out the words, I pointed towards my locks.

“OK.”

“Just ok?”

“Well, they are long.” It was Ramesh at his sarcastic best, because I now have hair that`s as long as that of Shabana Azmi in the Deepa Mehta movie Water.

“Long? No way!” I protested. I don`t like the script going against me. I stared at Ramesh for a while, but he had the final word. He said: “Must have been quite a hair rising experience.”

I nodded and looked away. I can`t mess with my Delivery Head, can I?

That`s when Amreetha looked up and said, “Jammy, I totally understand your concern.”

“What concern?” I demanded indignantly. 

“Your hair…”

“What about my hair?”

“Those are hair to dye for….”

Always been a Google fan? Become a better fan by knowing about all of their products here.  As if this list wasn`t enough they have many other services in the pipe-line. To take a look at them, visit the Google Lab. Why are we talking of Google`s so many services – because, the Search major has put a cap on new product development, for a while. Could this mean more focus and consolidation of the existing products? Perhaps.

A few of my fans were upset that I was being a MCP by only showcasing my photograph on this Blog. I really can’t carry Rekha’s photo in the top mast because if I do, I will start looking handsome! 

OK fine…I relent. Here is a photograph of my wife as can be seen in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York City. Why is her photograph showcased at the Metropolitan Museum of Art? That`s because I had taken that photograph (during our courtship days) and it had won an international photography award in 2003.

If you want a photograph of yours to be included in Metropolitan Museum of Art’s collection, Click Here.

Even for one moment, I don`t want you to believe that the Vacancy Available advertisement I gave in The Hindu dated September 30, had any sexual intension.

Here is what the advertisement said:

A handsome young man (I am 31 years old) is looking for an understanding, compassionate lady partner to be his mistress. The applicant should understand English and should be well-versed in Internet (I travel quite a bit and for six months in a year will be in touch only thro` mails). I believe that looks don`t maketh a man (or a woman) and hence a 28-32-28 structure (or should it be 32-28-32?) is definitely an advantage. While prior experience can be an advantage, such candidates may please excuse. To get in touch with the applicant, log onto Yahoo! and add SeeHeaven_1975@Yahoo.com  as your friend.

The advertisement was an instant hit. I was added as a friend by 1738 applicants and I have face-to-face meeting scheduled till Oct 19, 2008.

You probably think I am an evil incarnate. Why would anybody have such a pretty wife and look elsewhere? (Fine! I know that you know that my wife Rekha visits this blog) Well, here is the answer.

On 24th of September, Rekha and I went to a restaurant for dinner. Both of us sat down at the most prominent table available. One of the many habits I have inculcated in Rekha is – never sit on the same side of the table. In the initial days of our courtship, we did …but it didn`t take me long to realize that ogling at girls becomes a difficult task when both of us sat on the same side. Soon we started facing opposite directions. Wonder why Rekha immediately agreed!

Anyway, we were enjoying our dinner when our waiter walked up to Rekha and said: “I don`t think you should be doing this.”

Both of us were perplexed. I stood up, looked at the waiter straight in the eye (only to find out that he was squint-eyed) and asked: “What do you mean?”

“Sir, you keep out of this. You are young and innocent. It is the lady`s fault.” The waiter was brushing me aside.

Having gotten used to this treatment after marriage, I didn`t retaliate and settled down.

The waiter looked at Rekha again and said: “You shouldn`t be doing this madam!”

“But what am I doing?” Rekha asked. I could feel the restaurant reverberate as she spoke.

When my wife speaks, everybody listens (including me) but this waiter was proving to be a tough nut to crack.

“Madam, you shouldn`t be coming out on dates with your students. That`s against the morals of our society.”

“Who is my student here?” Rekha shouted back.

“This young lad sitting across the table.”

“We don`t understand you,” Rekha exclaimed. It is a practice Rekha has perfected…whenever in danger of losing the conversation, include your husband.

“Let me explain. Looking at you, I would put your age at 32-33…this gentleman sitting across seems 24-25. From the mangalsutra and the kumkum I can see that you are married. Finally, from the way you laugh at every joke the gentleman cracks, I can tell you that you are not married to him.”

I can`t reveal what all happened at the restaurant after that. The money we have to pay for the broken dishes alone comes to Rs 16,981/-.

Now-a-days, immediately after getting up in the morning Rekha asks: “Do I look old today?” I lie every day (that too early in the morning), “No way!”

Now you know why I have advertised for a mistress – to accompany me to restaurants. We can always pack food for Rekha!

I own this blog and I know it…but Technorati wants proof. It asks me to paste a bit of code in a new post and update the blog. Something like British asking us to pay taxes for salt made in our own backyard?

Indians in those days paid the taxes, and bloggers in these days paste the code.;-)

Technorati Profile

One of the Ouchmytoe.com readers mailed this short piece and asked me to upload it on the blog. Not willing to disappoint her, here goes –

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his salary) partying with the boys.When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of abuse from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”
 
“That would suit me just fine!!!” the man said.
 
Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday went by with the same result.
Wednesday went by with the same result.
 
Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye!