Author: Jamshed V Rajan

I don`t know how your workplace is. Mine have always been fun. Wonder if it is a reflection of me as a person (is this correct English?).

You won`t believe me but one of my colleagues comes to office naked. Now…nobody steals his chair. Sometimes he comes drunk, sometimes without deodorant but nobody complains…they are all too upset over him coming naked. Even at lunch he doesn`t need to spend money. He says: “Oops, left my wallet in my trousers.”

There are many who have a post-lunch siesta. Funny it may seem, but it is true…especially in technology companies where late hours are common. The problem is when you interrupt them mid-way they don`t accept that they were sleeping. Over the years they have practiced reciting sleepy statements like: “Just taking a power nap taught at the Management course” or “God bless all, Amen!”.

I have always believed that we go to workplaces to earn money. There is no loyalty. I mean…if somebody needed loyalty…they better get a Dog. Why me. On second thoughts …am I a dog?

But seriously, all workplaces have their issues…and thus it makes sense to work in a company that compensates you better for all the shit you need to take.

Especially after the IT boom, offices have become chaotic. Employees` get into trouble and employees get out…and those that don`t worry when they get into trouble probably already have a scapegoat in mind. And those that stay calm when the crisis is building around them probably don`t have enough IQ to comprehend the situation. Unfortunately, it is such people who are promoted because they are considered to have a cool head in crisis.

One mantra that I go by at workplace is….aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Just don`t go around telling people that you are aiming low. You might end up becoming the target.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

We all have heard of the above statement in motivational speeches and seen it on huge wall-posters…but have we seen anything like this happening in our workplace? No way. In fact it is exactly the opposite: When the going gets tough, the tough take a tea break.

If you have trouble at office…but are not able to do anything about it…don`t worry. Just shift companies. Not talented enough to shift companies at will? Still no worries….in India the retirement age is 58….and that means only 30 more years. Hang on!

This happened today morning. Rekha and I got up at 6 a.m. Getting up together is a relatively new habit. There used to be a time when Rekha would get up at 5.30 a.m., take bath, pray and with water dripping from her tied-in-a-turban-on-top-of-her-head hair, she would touch my lotus feet for blessings before bringing me a cup of hot tea.

I would have tea, read newspaper and go for a hot water bath. Meanwhile, Rekha will leave for the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Anyways, these are things we can discuss anytime of the week. Today we are here to discuss the war games we play when the weather is good. I think it was Saturday evening and it had just started drizzling.

“Rekha, how about a ride in the rain. Long time since we did anything like that.”

“Sure, I don`t mind but you might get a cold.”

(What she actually meant was, she could get a cold and she can`t afford it because she has to attend Sheela`s son`s birthday party on Sunday)

“You are right. Before marriage when you were more romantic… I always got a cold after the rain ride.” I get sarcastic.

“Don`t get me started. You were a lot younger then…and healthy.” Rekha retorts.

“Must be the marriage huh?”

“Don`t you get started on my cooking now? I am doing whatever is within my limits to keep you happy. Look at that paunch you have developed since marriage.”

I am a man of honour. I can take blows on my face and yet be standing tall. But I cannot digest anybody pointing out that I have a paunch. I might have one…but I won`t accept it. The last guy who said that had a paunch was admitted in the Emergency ward of Apollo Hospitals. I had bit his tongue. Even today I think that all those who have potbellies should be shot in the head.

“Rekha I have a paunch because of your cooking.”

“See, I told you … I was cooking good food.”

“Before you came into my life…I was having food cooked by my mother and hence did not have a paunch. But since your arrival, I have been eating out in various restaurants…and you know oily stuff these restaurants serve…. gives you a paunch. There you go…”

Rekha gets angry. After all she is entitled to. In fact she is the only one who is entitled to.

Since I cannot get angry in front of her…I take my Yamaha keys, my wallet and my cap and go out in the rain. After a sulking smoke and a sullen ride in the rain…I have cooled down (she did say I will catch a cold). When I go home, Rekha is on the phone speaking to her best friend. She has a filter coffee in one hand…and the TV remote in the other.

Signs of good weather…

Even as I type this, I am getting drunk. So don`t expect any coherence in this post. I know after some time my hands will start shaking…perhaps that is why I want to write about old people. Why? Simple. Don`t their hands also shake?

Talking of Rekha…I have decided to become a Mangal Pandey. Enough is enough and it is time for The Rising. And anyways Independence Day is round the corner. I have decided to revolt against her reign in my house. Just in case you did not know…she has accepted an offer from Cognizant Technology Solutions and has put down her papers at Sify. Ever since, her atrocities have increased. I am rebelling and am going to push harder. BTW…did you know that Push = Pray Until Something Happens.

Some animals have unique features. Some don`t. A giraffe for example can clean its ears with its twenty-inch long tongue. Give that tongue to a man and he would be cleaning the ears of the lady sitting next to him.