The “Quick Retort” Contest

Situation: Girl friend has cleaned up her main course at the family restaurant but the boy friend is yet to go beyond the chicken soup he had ordered.

“No wonder you are fat!”

Yes, that`s precisely what the boyfriend ends up saying, even though he wanted to say: “Honey, you look nice in this dress.”

Now, what will be the girl friend`s quick retort?

P.S.: Leave your retorts in the comment box…and since PRG never came forward to claim the Rs 500 he won for the last contest…the money will be used to award this contest`s winner.

This contest ends at 7.00 p.m. on Sunday. If you want your retort to be considered for the contest, please post it before the deadline.


And the winner is…. (uuff! Such a cliche)

On 19 July a contest titled “Can you put words into my mouth?” was announced on On 28 July, 13 funny lines good enough to make it to Jammy`s speech bubble were selected and were made open to the public for voting.

After a week of vigorous voting (during which 146 votes were polled), the winner has been identified. He/she is PRG, who came up with the line: “Naa, I am not overweight. I am just 3 inches shorter for my weight”

PRG…I am waiting for your address & your name. You know my mail id, don`t you? If you don`t …too bad…qyon ki jab Gurgaon mein koi baccha rotha hai, tho maa kehthi hai, “soja bete, nahin tho Jammy ka Gmail ke ID se mail aajayega!”

Important Notice: If you have ideas for the next contest on Ouchmytoe, please mail me.

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Arm your bachelor friends

Oscar Wilde had once said “Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” How untrue?

Who says bachelors are happy? They aren`t. It is not easy hanging around in the office, in pubs and finally sitting before a desktop and choosing between movies like ‘Angels on Fire,` ‘The Innocent Woman` and ‘My Tutor.`

Bachelors have so many questions they don`t know the answers for. What kind of girl friend should one go for? Is it a good idea? Should marriage be the ultimate aim? Will having a girl friend turn out to be costly? Is a King Fisher air hostess the best bet…or should one go for the Retail Consultant working with a research agency?

To cater to such desperate souls, has stepped in and made a compilation of articles those clear doubts that a young, handsome bachelor might have.

Don`t we all have such bachelor friends? Why don`t you help them – the least you can do – by forwarding them this guide to bachelordom?

Download Now [PDF, 235Kb, 17 Pages, 7 Articles]
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Coming soon! Compilations for –

  • Newly married men
  • Men married for more than two years
  • Men with Hitler wives
  • Expectant parents
  • Wives wanting man-management tips
  • Categories

    One week in North India – some observations

    I have spent a significant portion of my growing years in North India – Jamshedpur, Delhi, and Jalandhar to be precise. Just that this time around, I am not under the shadows of my parents. Believe me…life is really different and difficult when your parents are not around to protect you.

    Life here in Gurgaon is a lot different from the life I was living in Chennai. For starters, I can`t crack my favorite Sardarji jokes as I so often used to in Chennai.

    The other day I started off: “By the way, did you hear that Sardarji joke about ….”

    Before I could reach the subject, Dia had pinched me in the forearm, and Sunandini had stamped my toes. I didn`t take the hint.

    “Come on guys…have you heard that Sardarji joke or not?” I inquired.

    This time I noticed Sashwat making faces – I couldn`t understand what he was trying to convey. But there was a certain amount of urgency….he seemed so much in pain that I asked him again: “What is the matter? Why are you nodding your head so vigorously?”

    He didn`t answer…and excused himself. In the next 3 seconds or was it 4…everybody fled from the scene. Just then, a six and a half footer sardarji got up from his cubicle and asked: “So, you were saying?”

    I don`t know why…but my trousers felt warm. I stood there for a while…and after the carpet had soaked up the discharge I walked back to my cubicle.

    On advice from Uma, I have now re-phrased the first line of my sardarji jokes to: “By the way, have you heard that joke about a Madrasi …”

    Aryans vs Dravidians

    Whenever my history teacher told me that the North Indians were Aryans and the South Indians Dravidians, I didn`t trust her. Probably because she was a North Indian….but now I trust her completely.

    On my first day here, the guest house keeper gave me chapattis and mango pickle. When I asked him if I will get any Sambar, he just looked at me as if I was asking him about Polonium. Not one to take it lying down, I asked the guest house keeper for some variety the next day. So, on day two…it was Chapatti with curd.

    I have been here for a week now, and every day in the morning, afternoon and dinner there is chapatti and nothing else.

    I think this is the right time to apologize to the ace film-maker Manmohan Desai. I didn`t believe him when his 1977 film titled Dharam Veer started with a scene wherein Daram Singh (Dharmendra) and Veer Singh (Jeetendra) are on their white horses (isn`t white supposed symbolize good?) and their mother throws a freshly made roti at them. The two brothers catch the hot chappati, tear it and stuff it into their respective mouths and then ride away into the jungle. I now completely trust Manmohan Desai`s film making abilities – if the movie had been shot any other way, people wouldn`t have been able to associate with it.

    Another thing I have noticed is that, here everybody has “Balle…Balle” songs as caller tunes. When I was back in Chennai, some had carnatic music…some had Hindustani…and some had English songs as their caller tunes…but here everybody has “Balle…Balle” songs. Wonder why.

    Don`t trust me? Call 09971996581…and find out. That`s my Gurgaon number!

    PS: If you are a North Indian, and want to issue a fatwa against me (Do North Indians issue fatwas?) please spend a week in Chennai before you sign the orders. Please.

    Other Funny Reads

    # When I was the villain
    # Platonic relationships
    # Different types of fathers in law
    # Letters to the Editor
    # Rekha is no longer my better half!
    # Mother in law vs daughter in law


    Lateral Thinking – 4

    Lateral thinking is in action when an individual or a group tries to make incremental changes in a mature product. Did that go over your head? It did for me when I read it for the first time. Read it again, if it helps.

    A mature product is utility/item/gadget which has all the possible features one can aspire for, and there is very little that can be added. For example…let us take Yahoo Messenger. Is there a feature you can think of, which the Yahoo team has failed to include?

    For our lateral thinking exercise, let us take a product we use every day – Mobiles. Is there any feature that currently doesn`t exist on mobiles but you would want included?

    I thought for a while and came up with this:

    The Alarm a Friend Feature

    Today`s mobiles don`t allow me to send an alarm to a friend`s mobile. Wouldn`t it be great if I could send an alarm to a friend`s mobile which would alert him a day before my birthday? I could send this alarm a week before my birthday – and unlike an SMS, it wouldn`t just lie in his inbox but would start beeping at the time and date I had set.

    After one of the comments, I tried my Nokia N70 and there indeed is a ‘Alarm a Friend’ feature. I thought hard…laterally of course….and here is another feature I want my mobile to have:

    SMS Signature

    I have 479 contacts in my mobile…and I end up sending a universal SMS to all at least once every year (stuff like my baby daughter’s birth). And on an average I send at least 10 SMSes every day. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a SMS Signature, which would allow me to send my blog url at the end of every SMS? Just like our e-mail signatures. Now, don’t you leave a comment saying the feature already exists. Is there any god damn feature the mobile guys haven’t thought of?????

    Anything you can think of?

    PS: If innovation & creativity excites you please read The Art of Innovation by Tom Kelly. After reading the book, you might be interested in IDEO – a company that helps innovate through design.

    Funny posts you might have missed

    # Communicating a baby`s birth to the World
    # Conversation: Osama vs Batman
    # The master of exaggeration at work
    # When I was in a Pakistani prison…
    # Ten reasons why you need a girl friend…


    Introducing a new social bookmarking site

    What is Bruce Lee`s favorite non vegetarian dish?

    Machlee (fish, in Hindi)

    And what is Bruce Lee`s favorite breakfast?


    What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?

    Thalee (Hindi for a 30-item meal in a stainless silver plate)

    Who is Bruce Lee`s favourite cricketer?

    Kambli (Vinod Kambli, that is) Brett Lee

    What is Bruce Lee`s favourite social bookmarking site?

    Yes, that`s what these questions were all about.

    FunnyLee is a new site trying its mark in an area – social bookmarking – already crowded by people like,,, (and did you know that also existed?). There are at least 50-100 other such sites which are doing brisk business.

    For those who still didn`t get it… has carved a niche for itself and is projecting itself as the only social bookmarking site for people like you and me – people who love humor!

    Now for the last question…why does cater to only those that love humor?

    Answer: Simply


    Babies – some learnings

    In my interaction with my baby daughter, I have come to know that they are quick learners, especially if they are girls. Take Rhea for example…yes, that`s what we have named her…Rhea has learnt the art of crying and not stopping till the end objective is achieved.

    There must be some gene in the girls, which helps them to retain this characteristic till they reach the grave. What else can explain a 30-year-old-mother of a 30-day-old-girl baby crying? Boys somehow tend to lose this gene as they become teenagers.

    I have also observed that babies have no ear for music. I once tried to stop my baby daughter from crying by singing the Hindi song ‘dhoom machale` from the movie Dhoom, but she just wouldn`t lend me an ear. Rekha says I don`t sing well…but how is a baby to know? If music knows no language, I am sure it knows no age too!

    When she was handed over to me in a bundle (click here to find out how much the bundle cloth cost me), I had found her so defenseless. Rhea had needed my help to even smile at the nurse who was holding her. In order to make my daughter smile, I was forced to get behind (real close) the nurse and place my head close to the nurse`s and make a lip-smacking noise. It is another thing that the nurse was frowning. Today, my daughter isn`t as defenseless. She is powerful and aggressive. In fact, I am told that all babies are like that – powerful and aggressive. So much so, they can beat young, able-bodied men in the race for breasts.

    When I went to Kerala to see my daughter for the second time, I came to know that they don`t like plays either. For long I had tried to make her smile but she hadn`t responded. I complained to my mother-in-law who promptly advised me to hold her attention first and then try and make her smile. In short, I had to enact something.

    So, when I was asked to take care of Rhea when the mother went for lunch…I enacted Shakespeare`s MacBeth for her. She didn`t smile throughout the show. It took me a while to realize that I had chosen a tragedy and should have instead gone for Shakespeare`s Comedy of Errors. The good thing is…Rhea wouldn`t grow up to be a stupid girl…for I heard a relative say, “All study and no play will make Rhea a dull girl.”

    Click Here to read Ouchmytoe in a Feed ReaderMothers change after babies come into their lives. Take my wife for example…she doesn`t want me to kiss the baby (I am sure she secretly kisses Rhea when I am not looking). Initially, I was mad at my wife ….but now have worked my way around it.

    For all those husbands who after becoming fathers have lost their territory…here is a tip: If your wife gives ‘hanging cheeks of the baby` as reason for limiting your baby kisses…tell her that kisses are like fire-and-forget missiles…once one fires it…one loses all control over it…and it has to land at some place. If not the baby, it could be the mother`s cheeks. Upset with your regular pecking…your wife just might say: “Go to hell!”

    Other Funny, Funnier, Funniest Reads

    # Shopping for my baby daughter
    # Baby Daughter`s Birth – Day one
    # The initial months of pregnancy
    # Our visit to a gynecologist
    # I think I am pregnant


    When I was the villain – Part 2

    That`s when I decided to speak to him. It is always better for a man to talk to a man and solve issues. Men end up looking like fools only when they attempt to talk and resolve issues with a lady.

    Don’t understand a thing? Don’t get the context? Well…you are reading part two of a series and looks like you haven’t read the first part. Please read When I was the villain – Part 1 before you proceed any further.

    I walked up to him and said: “Rahul, I need to speak to you.”

    “Funny, for I thought you are speaking to me,” he replied. He sounded like the typical Management Trainee. I have nothing against MTs…I mean how could somebody have ill feelings towards a person whose designation sounded like ‘Empty” (Did you try saying ‘MT` again?).

    “No, alone.” If eyes could kill, I would be serving a 20 year sentence now. And might have turned gay by the 2nd year.

    “Great. You can go near the cooler and start talking. You will be alone there.” He let out a chuckle.

    We Rajans are known for our patience. In fact, when the Japanese announced World War – II by bombing Chennai in 1940s (this 40s, 50s, 60s option was definitely invented by somebody who forgot the exact dates regularly)…my grand father went under his cot. The patient man that he was, he stayed under his cot for two years. We served him food and toilet paper under the cot.

    I culled out all my ancestor`s patience and said: “Rahul, I want to speak to you alone.” If Priya had heard me say the words, she would have thought I was a wild animal. Such was my tone.

    Bowing down to the wild animal in me, Rahul accepted to talk to me alone.

    Me: “So, you dating that girl?”

    Rahul: “Yeah. Why? Is she your sister?”

    Me: “No!”

    Rahul: “Then why are you sweating?”

    Me: “Didn`t take bath today. Also Chennai is hot this time of the year.”

    Rahul: “So…what about Priya. Why are you asking me?”

    Me: “I can`t talk here. We need to go someplace else.”

    Rahul: “Where?”

    Me: “My place?”

    Rahul: “Will there be shots fired?”

    Me: “No!”

    Rahul: “Then, let us make it my place. With new furniture and all, I can`t take a duel home.”

    Me: “Hmm…how about mine?”

    Rahul: “Nope.”

    Me: “Can you ensure my safety at your place?

    Rahul: “Nope. Can`t do that. My mom bites me sometimes.”

    Me: “You son of a bitch!”

    Anyway, to cut the long story short…we decided to meet and discuss the issue threadbare at Rahul`s house. I was to meet him at 6 p.m. on Vijayaraghavan Road and he was to lead me for the last mile.

    Before I left my house, I strapped a butter knife around my ankles, cello-taped two forks on both my thighs and hung a bottle of Harpic on my hip. When it comes to nauseating a man, nothing is better than Harpic. Half of the men believe it is not the Harpic but the “Can you clean the toilets please,” request from the wife that results in nausea.

    In my bag, I also had some mustard seeds which I wanted to use if he chased me in a car. I had seen Noddy use mustard seeds to good effect in one of his shows on Pogo.

    As I lifted my right leg to step into his house, the fork attached to my right thigh pierced my skin and I let out an “ammmmaaaa!”

    That`s when I first….

    Jai Ekta Kapoor!

    Part three follows shortly. Would have finished this series today itself…but my daughter`s naming ceremony is scheduled for tomorrow and we need to decorate my house.

    Now that you have read Part 2 of the series, why not try When I was the villain – Part 3