Ouchmytoe.com

George Bush has been caught red handed, giving away large amounts of money to influence opinion in his favor. Some call it Public Relations, some bribery.

In the backdrop of the latest crisis to hit the Bush administration, here is a conversation between the President and a commoner, on the lawns of the White House (now yellow, due to pollution).

Commoner: Dear President, if I am alive today it is because of you.
Bush: I should ask my secretary to put this testimonial up on my website.

Commoner: I can give you my digitally enhanced photograph, if you want.
Bush: I am against putting up pictures on the net. I once did, and somebody morphed it with monkeys.

Commoner: That`s understandable. Internet doesn`t have Homeland Security like the US of A.
Bush: Truer words were never said.

Commoner: Talking of security, what about Osama? We should jail him in Guantanamo Bay.
Bush: We have almost got him. On Monday, we are searching the White House. We have news that he has been hiding inside the White House to avoid the radars.

Commoner: Why not search today…now?
Bush: Weekend man…I need to visit Camp David, my Presidential retreat. In fact my wife Laura and two daughters Jenna & Barbara love it more than I do. Now you know why my wife wanted me to get re-elected.

Commoner: I thought you deserved a second term for the 2.6 million jobs you created in the last two years.
Bush: That.. I was forced to. My men in Iraq were dying in their sleep or while having dinner….I needed replacements.

Commoner: Talking of Iraq, will we ever find the WMD?
Bush: If only the UN inspectors leave Iraq for a few hours, my team will be able to find the WMDs. We have managed to sneak the WMDs into Egypt, but are unable to place them in Iraq yet.

Commoner: The Iraqi elections were good huh?
Bush: Yes. But now-a-days I don`t get thrilled lying in front of the camera.

Commoner: I am glad so many Iraqis turned out to vote.
Bush: We had to decide on the exact percentage that we would say turned out to vote. And we decided on 60-75%. Only later did we realize that even in countries like India – the biggest of all democracies – the voters turn out is only 60%.

Commoner: That is all right. You were just doing your job.
Bush: By the way, who are you? I have been sharing classified information and your name is not even Donald Rumsfield or Condoleezza Rice.
Commoner: I am just a columnist you took money from your agents to be your jester.
Bush: Great, now go ahead and write about what we spoke.
Commoner: Sure.

US President George Bush`s administration has spent more than $88 million on public relations in 2004. A major part of this money is spent on columnists who write against him – by buying their integrity with loads of cash (sometimes more than $ 20,000). This column has been written in order to catch the US President`s eye…and convince him that my views matter…thereby forcing him to buy my silence.

Does anybody know where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are? Not the ones in the magazine Playboy, but the ones supposedly hidden (and not used) by Saddam Hussein.

Having followed the un-biased reporting in Fox television for years, I know for sure that the most powerful man on Mother Earth – US President George Bush, doesn`t know where the WMDs are. Neither do his entourage of Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld.

A few tyrants & traitors have been insisting that WMD were never there and it was just an excuse to dethrone a wily old fox called Saddam. These views add salt to the wounds of the US Soldier, who has been fighting a very slick war for the last year or so. Don`t they say crude is slick?

Saddam is a mass-murderer. He killed millions and for no reason. The US Prez, on the other hand is a savior. He saved the world from an almost-certain atomic bombing by the Iraqi dictator and in the process saved numerous lives. It is another thing that Iraq has so far lost one million civilians and 5000 US soldiers have either died or have been wounded.

A few American citizens believe that Iraq is going to be another Vietnam. Those that don`t believe so are named George Bush and Dick Cheney. In case you believe in coincidence, you might want to know that before he became Bush`s running mate, Dick Cheney was CEO of Halliburton, a Texas-based oil company. And as luck would have it, Halliburton was given a no-bid contract to rebuild Iraq. Here is another coincidence: A lot of money is involved in the contract.

The Economics of War has attained a completely new meaning. Somebody once said: “The great thing about wars is that when they are over, no one talks about it. Instead, they make documentaries.” How wrong. I thought, after the war was over…they made money.

I admire the US President – a very determined fellow. He wanted to bring peace to the World and he brought. When the United Nations (UN) was against peace (by refusing to bomb Iraq), Bush decided to do it by himself. Ohhh…how can we forget his ‘Best Man` Tony Blair.

Now that Iraq has been torn down like wallpaper from the crumbling walls of a Texas home, Bush wants to use United Nations` ability to raise money. He wants UN to lend a hand in Iraq`s recovery. The man knows the art of delegation, huh?

The Americans who like me, followed Fox News` unbiased coverage of the Iraqi war probably think United Nations is an enemy. The President sure has confused his countrymen by asking United Nations to help him rebuild Iraq.

Is there anything bad the US President has done in the last four-five years? Yes, he has helped in Sunnis and Shias coming together to fight the US occupation.

Click Here to View the Picture
This pic was taken during the Republic Day celebrations, in Bihar. Don’t know if it was snapped this year…or the year before.

Look at the rest of the crowd…everybody is standing for the National Anthem. But Laloo Prasad Yadav and Rabri Devi are sitting even as the Anthem is being sung. Pathetic, is all I can say.

If only somebody can bomb his house when he is asleep (or when he is awake), the country would be a lot richer. I love the character that is Laloo, but I hate the man for what he does (or doesn’t do).

All those who hate Laloo and his politics say Aye….

With nothing else to write on, I have chosen a less funny item – the bag that I take to office everyday.

No, I am not going to brag about my laptop bag. Simply because, what I take to office is not a lap top bag.

It is a simple “Trunk & Co” bag…the kind you will find every Tom, Dick and Harry carrying to their office, if they want to feel important.

Now, that doesn`t make me any less important in the affairs of my office. I am perhaps, the second most important guy in my office. The first is the office boy who is responsible for locking and unlocking my office everyday, and then spends the rest of the day sweeping and mopping the granite floor in the President`s office.

Finally, coming back to what I wanted to write about – my bag is blue in color. Don`t ask me why blue…it is Rekha`s favorite color. At least that is what she told me….

In my blue bag, I always carry a magazine and a book. The magazine is the November 2003 issue of Wisden Cricket (I think I had bought the bag around that time)…and the novel is Malayalam Manorama Year Book 2003. Strictly speaking, both are pretty outdated. But, the bag doesn`t look good without these books…they give it a good square-ish frame.

I have two cheque books…with no cheque leaves. Financially, it is autumn for me and all the leaves have fallen. I have some coins that over the last year have been returned by the beggars, because their denomination was just too less.

I have a pen, that Rekha gifted me (supposedly) before we started going out. The pen stopped writing even before we started going out…but I was forced to keep it in my bag because she thought it was of sentimental value. In the last four years I have replaced the pen 5-6 times…every time I lose it..I have to buy a similar looking pen.

I have my access card…yes the same old dog collar. I also have a few one rupee Revenue stamps. You might suspect me to be related to Telgi..but I am not. By the way did you know that after Telgi`s (of the fake stamp paper fame) arrest, the Post Offices have not been able to manage the demand for Revenue stamps. There are no supplies they say. An opportunity for another Telgi to emerge?

Anyways, my blue bag also has one love letter. It was given to me by a girl. No stupid….not for me. She had wanted me to be the messenger. The girl was pretty and the boy was someone I hated…so I never passed on the letter. Today the girl is married to someone else and is pregnant. The guy I hated so much is now eyeing a 19 year old trainee in my office. We call him the pedophile. Shucks…did I just reveal my age?

It has a few mouth-fresheners called Mentos. Whenever I go near Rekha without chewing a Mentos, she finds out that I have smoked. And whenever I chew a Mentos and go near her…she says: ‘Haaa…you had a cigarette and then had a Mentos?”

I have some spoons that I steal from others houses, or my office canteen. I also have one Sify colleagues` undies in my bag. On my last day in Sify, we had gone for a swim…and this guy asked me to keep his clothes in my bag. I did.

After our swim, I forgot to give it back to him…and since it was my last day in Sify..I never went there again. Ever since, I have his undies in my bag. One never knows when it would be time to unload baggage of the past.

I also have my mobile charger. It is the same one that fell into the potty a few days back. The story behind it is being reserved for later publication.

In my blue bag, I also have the keys to my house (actually Rekha`s house), keys to my bike (actually Rekha`s …I have been using her ‘L` Board nailed TVS Scooty)…and keys to the hearts of so many other pretty girls that my new company AIG can afford to recruit.

And more importantly, in my bag I have ……..shit…where did go….now Rekha`s gonna scold me…ohhhh…my God…what am I going to do….

(You have probably read this…but since I will be busy the whole of Monday, here is something from the OuchMyToe Archives.)

I know this girl
And I think she is mafia.
Shes a BOMB herself.
Now, that’s a handy weapon.

She also sells opium
For when I near her
I get a high.

An expert in unarmed combat,
She just has to touch me.
And I cave in.

Shes got weapons hidden
Underneath her jacket
That could blow my head apart.

She avoids the public glare.
Prefers `secret’ redenzvous.
But I dare not.

For I am a man of virtues,
A man quite chaste.
Joining a mafioso is ….er..
Not upto my taste!!!

– jamshed `corleone’ rajan