Ouchmytoe.com

My father always wanted me to marry a lady army officer. He started nursing this wish after I failed the National Defense Academy exam, Combined Defense Services exam and the Armed Forces Medical College exam, in that order.

With my job here in Sify taking me no closer to an Army officer, leave alone a lady officer, my father was forced to redefine his preferences. Now, he wants a 21st century woman.

And who is she? Let us have a looksie –

She is the one who goes to the moon as an astronaut, yet is at loggerheads in the house, failing to understand how a DVD player needs to be operated. The same woman can go to combat wearing the fatigues, but lets out a shriek on seeing a cockroach.

The same woman, who cannot read a map and changes her mind every second. The same woman, who has no addictions – except for lipsticks, shoes, nail-polish and hand bags.

The same woman who claims to hate lies, demanding that I should never lie to her…yet when my moment of triumph comes, fakes an orgasm.

The woman who chooses her own man. The woman who insists she is no hooker hence be treated with respect. That is, till I have bought her dinner.

Papa, you lived in a better World. Pity my son, though.

Dear ladies, my apologies if I have hurt your feelings. And if you think you are a lady, and yet are not like what I have written, check again. If doubts persist, see a qualified doctor.

My office has at least six pregnant ladies. One could blame it on last year`s winter, which must have seen the couples cuddle together in their warm beds.

On extrapolation, one can safely assume that every body was healthy in the winter, otherwise how could they have had all the physical activity.

Now, since everybody was healthy, can the poor doctors and nurses, who work throughout the year, be given a break during the winter? Perhaps.

Agreed, we can close down the hospitals for the three winter months. But what will happen to the emergency cases? According to reliable figures most hospital deaths occur because the patients do not get treatment as soon as they reach the hospital. Thus hundreds will lose their lives in the hospital courtyards.

What do we do to save all those who will die due to the non-availability of doctors and nurses? Don`t let husband and wives sleep together during winter?

Potti, even before you start reading, remember that a tribute from me does not take you places. Atleast not yet. Firstly, sorry for pronouncing your name for the major part of our association as if it were `Potty.` Realised it myself, and corrected it…after debating for 3-4 months if at all I should correct it.

BTW, was looking for your foot prints on the internet and here is what I found

http://potti.blogspot.com

http://themissinglinks.blogspot.com

http://holydiver.blogspot.com

http://blogs.sify.com/neverclever

Pretty smart. Impressive to note that you took to blogging by the middle of 2002.

It was your methodical approach that struck me most. And struck me good. And this led me to a few comparisions. Here you go –

– if you owned a bus service in Chennai, it would have been a KPN.
– if you were an actor you would have been Al Pacino
– if you were a mobile, a Nokia
– if you were into selling bags, you would be a Witco
– if you were a flirt, you would be …actually theres too much competition
– if you were a butt, you would be J Lo’s
– And if you were a sports website, you would be Sify Sports.

Now, that you have a tribute on the Internet, it only makes sense for you to pay back in kind. You know…when Polaris plans to start a sports website…:-))

I envy ornithologist Salim Ali. People believed him when he said he was a bird watcher and spent his life time watching birds.

My parents never allowed me to do it. You are a bad boy, they would chide.

In my school days, my rakhi-sister Latha Jayashree would come in between the birds and me. I could not say no to her…and thus would bring down my binoculars.

In college, the birds were very rare. Guess, it had to do with the fact that my college had fewer trees than the Lady Doak college for ladies, next door. Don’t think it had anything to do with the fact that mine was a boys-only institution.

Now, that I am a professional, I have a Damocles sword hanging around. She is the girl, I might marry. Looks like I will never be able to bird watch in my life again.

If only I could see a big breasted, bed thrasher before I die….

Amazing book. Close to five hundred pages and just 100 Indian rupees (at the old books store).

A proud me carried the book home, refusing the khaki cover the shopkeeper gave me to carry the book in. I was elated. I was about to read a guy, who could see future. I had been told he was also a member of some committee formed by Prez Bush for the governing of US.

Toffler is Tom Clancy and Issac Asimov rolled into one. Just that I had read Clancy and Asimov (Naked Sun) when in grade X.

I finish the 3-page first chapter on The End of Empire, and found it awesome. I call up a few friends, who like me pretend to be good-book-aficionados, and tell them about it. The pretenders they are, they feign excitement.

I come to office and tell Rajesh (my cricket-eating-breathing-drinking colleague) about the book.

“He is a stupid guy,” Rajesh starts off. He is pretty upset that I bought an Alvin Toffler. He says he has never come across a bigger pretender in life. Was he talking of Toffler or was it me?

Now, I am reading the second chapter God in white Coat and am not impressed. Am I impressionable?

Very special, double strong coffee …err…correspondent Jamshed V Rajan will be covering the Election beat. Irregularly of course.

By Jamshed V Rajan

Delhi: This scribe did not expect somebody of the stature of Mr Vajpayee to come out against Sonia Gandhi`s nationality. But on second thoughts one wonders…maybe…just maybe the present Indian Prime Minster could be right.

I checked with Venkaiah Naidu, the BJP party President and he said: “Sonia has never spent a day without food, has never waited for a bus, has never tried to retrieve her dead relative’s body from the Govt. Hospital’s mortuary.” Wonder if he has undergone the above mentioned.

Sitting next to Naidu on the make-shift pandal was LK Advani (Lieutenant Kolnel Advani?). An indignant Advani said, “agreed there are no cases of communal riots against her, but she is dangerous to the social fabric.” I held back a ‘yeah right.`

When pointed out that she was neither a Hindu nor a Muslim by birth and thus would be better placed to solve the Ayodhya issue, he would say that Ayodhya had never been on BJP’s manifesto. Guess Advani would rather be Vajpayee’s deputy than be stripped of his portfolios and made to sit in the opposition.

Down south, Karunanidhi, who had till very recently been hobnobbing with BJP, all of a sudden has no problems with Sonia’s origin. “In fact, I asked her to wear a Saree with the `DMK pallu` but she refused,” he said.

Andhra Pradesh Chief Minister Chandrababu Naidu could not be traced. According to reliable sources, he was closet with his cabinet trying to Spam Sonia`s inbox. The source also added that the former airhostess` mail id was still_trying_to_be_PM@India.gone