Naming our son was stressful but we still managed to find him a name

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Sometime back we named our son, Ritwik. In fact the same day we even booked RitwikRajan.com.

Apparently, in US & Europe you have to decide on a name for your kid within two days of their birth. That is it – 2 days. Meanwhile, here in India, twenty five days after Rekha and I had our second child…we were still looking for a name.

In our son’s case we wanted to give him a name which starts with alphabet ‘R’ for that odd day when our family became a family of SuperHeros, we could call ourselves The ‘R’ Family. But our astrologer sought after by Rekha’s parents didn’t quote the alphabet ‘R’. So it was a question of starting a new life on this planet with a bribe – pay the astrologer to get a favorable alphabet. We did exactly that.

The astrologer was able to add ‘R’ in the list of probable alphabets without affecting any of the stars & moons, thanks to a NEFT transfer of Rs 1000/-.

I went thro’ all of this favourable alphabet seeking exercise in spite of being an opponent of the whole naming ceremony before the kid is 10 years old. I remember being pissed at my parents for naming me without consulting me. I think it was 1986 and I was a 11 year old whose name had been disfigured by his classmates.

“Why couldn’t you consult me before naming me?” I had shouted at my parents.

“Son, you were sleeping 22 hours out of 24 hours. How could we consult you?” My father replied.

“How about in those 2 hours?” I insisted.

“Son, even if we had asked you…you would have only replied with a ‘blahbla blahhbaba,’ my father kept a straight face.

“You should be glad we gave you such a nice name – Rajan.” My mother chipped in.

Anyway, as I said I was a reluctant participant in this naming ceremony. I thought I was cheating my son by not giving him an opportunity to decide for himself. As is always the case, nobody listened to me and we went ahead with the naming.

Since the alphabet was decided, we had all and sundry giving us name suggestions – from the fine sounding name ‘Rafat’ to the villain meaning ‘Ruffian’. While we politely refused the suggestions – the challenge of finding the right name hung over us.

To complicate matters, within a week of our son’s birth, celebrities Kim Kardashian and Kayne West had a daughter whom they named her ‘North West’….which unfortunately for us ended up trending on Twitter, globally. Now, we were under pressure to beat this and get a name that would also trend.

My mother had always wanted me to be a doctor and whenever I had asked her why, she had said: “Son, I want them to call you Doctor Rajan.”

So, Rekha and I deliberated on naming our son ‘Doctor’ so that when they combined it with his second name, it ended up become ‘Doctor Rajan’. Now that is how he would have been called and my mother’s wish would have been fulfilled.

We had almost finalized on ‘Doctor’ when I remembered that my father had wanted me to join the Army and become a General so that the World would address me as ‘General Rajan’. For a brief while we even deliberated if we should name our son ‘General’. But it was shot down.

With my two chances gone, my wife decided to chip in with suggestions. Her first suggestion was ‘Fire’….yes, she wanted to name our son Fire. Maybe, because he was born due to a fiery session of sex we had after a late night movie on a Saturday evening – a session that lasted between 11.00-11.10 pm. This is one of the advantages of having a planned sex life for you know the time of conception of your child till the last minute.

But I refused to accept Rekha’s suggestion saying I didn’t want my son to be listening to “Fire Rajan!” every time he turned his face.

During one of these days we had one of Rekha’s friend Shaina Ladiwala visit us.

“Why don’t you name your child 123ABC?” Shaina asked.

Rekha knotted her eyes and shot back, “And why would I want to name him 123ABC?”

“So that everybody can find him easily. On whatsapp if somebody’s name is stored as a number, he/she is visible right on top.” Shaina was convinced that it was a great name but we weren’t.

Many such suggestions poured in from all directions.

It would have been so easy if we had had twins – we could have simply named them Karan & Arjun or Dharam & Veer or Ram & Shyam or Sita & Gita, whatever be the situation. Our son being a single child we had to rely on our own creativity.

Whenever Rekha and I zeroed in on a name, and I gave my mother a feeler about what we were thinking and she would ask: “So, was it suggested by our side or Rekha’s side? ” My mother’s reaction on the name was always based on my answer to her this question.

Similarly, there was intense pressure from Rekha’s side to name our son using the Malayali Name Maker. There is a very convenient Name Maker Table that is available in every Malayali’s house, and all we have to do after giving birth to a child is to pick up one syllable from the first column and a syllable from the second column and combine it to form a name. OK…now try it.

Here are some syllables from the first column:
Jo, Ti, Bi, Si, Vi,

Here are some syllables from the second column:
Nu, By, Bi, Ju, Di, Jul

Now you know why we fought the Malayali Mafia, tooth and nail and didn’t get a name out of this Malayali Name Maker Table.

In spite of all these challenges, we did manage to find a good name for our son – Ritwik. I am very proud of him.

In fact, on many days I stand before my washroom mirror, extend my arm forward and say aloud to myself “Hi Ritwik Rajan here. Nice to meet you” just to visualize how my son will introduce himself to the rest of the World long after we are gone.

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How sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

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Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Peter Russell – what’s common among them all? For the not-so-trained-an-eye, it would seem as if the common thing between them is the lack of sex in their lives.

Do you know why only stand up comedians don’t get enough sex? Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody gets enough of it but it is only the stand-up comedian who complains about it in front of a crowd.

One doesn’t need to be an acclaimed stand up comedian for your sex life to be screwed up….it is enough if you are an aspiring stand up comedian as well.

I remember we would have a go at it at every available opportunity. Just so you are aware, once we celebrated Rekha making round rotis (for my non-Indian readers, that’s bread) with a half hour session on the cemented floor. I also remember the time when we had successfully carried a table fan bought from Saravana store, T-Nagar, Chennai – on my bike me riding and Rekha sitting behind me and holding the table fan. Though tired to the bone, we celebrated the moment we were home by switching on the table fan and enjoying in its fresh breeze.

Back then it was spontaneous. And back then, it was more.

Nowadays, things have changed. Only yesterday, I was with Rekha as she was making the morning tea and said: “When we got married you didn’t know cooking. Remember, how I taught you to cook?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere. Just wanted you to NOT forget your teacher,” I insisted.

“Just in case you don’t know tonight is the night. Do you want to mess it up?”

I backed off. Got into my shell. I hadn’t known that tonight was going to be the night. Now that I knew I couldn’t risk it. When Rekha says such a thing, it is as if the court has given a date, and one has to keep it, else it gets pushed back by another week.

“No, I don’t want to mess it up Rekha,” I said. Then I took my cup of tea and went and sat down where I had the least chances of running into Rekha – near the books.

After two hours, I slowly walked towards Rekha and asked: “Is the breakfast ready?”

“It will be ready soon.”

“OK,” is all I could say before going and sitting next to the books again. An hour later – at 10 am – I got my breakfast.

If Rekha hadn’t told me at 7 am that tonight was the night I was going to get lucky, I would have known anyway – around 12 noon.

My wife doesn’t know that I have read the signs and can now predict with 99% accuracy if I am going to get lucky or not. The remaining 1% is when we end up watching a Richard Gere or George Clooney movie after lunch or dinner and suddenly Rekha starts hating me. She still repents not marrying a Hollywood hunk.

This is how sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

12 noon: Rekha asks me, “You aren’t shaving today is it? You know, you should shave on weekends so that you can avoid the Monday rush.”

12.15 pm: Rekha tries hard to get our daughter Rhea to finish her lunch by 12.30 pm and sleep off by 1 pm max.

12.30 pm-2.00 pm: Rhea doesn’t understand our emergency and continues to play around in the bed. Initially, it looks cute but with time she starts looking like a monster who doesn’t want you to get close to your wife. Sometimes it even appears as if she is doing it on purpose. Around 1.30 pm the patience wears off and both Rekha and I start scolding her to sleep. By 2 pm, both of us have forgotten about making love and are more concerned that Rhea sleeps off early so that we can have our lunch.

2.20 pm: We are just winding up our lunch, while watching TV and Rekha says: “You want to postpone it?” I chuckle as if we are talking of Olympics, which need to be postponed because the stadiums aren’t ready. But most of the time I agree with an “In the night then?”

3.00 pm: We are both lying in bed tired and full of food. We are glad that it isn’t over yet. At least, there is something to look forward to.

3.30 pm: Rekha has slept and I am thinking….why couldn’t it be possible twice? Why not now and then again in the evening? Since when did that stop happening. I don’t even remember it now.

4.30 pm: The alarm goes off and the whole family is out of bed. The first thing that comes out of my mouth as I get up and look at Rekha: “In the night then, huh?” She agrees. But I can already see she is repenting it. She would have preferred finishing it off in the afternoon so that it doesn’t hang over her head as the Damocles Sword.

5.30 pm: I approach my wife, “Pratap just called….said he wanted to catch up over a beer. You have any plans?” Rekha shoots down the plan saying she doesn’t like the smell of beer and I will have to choose between Pratap and her. I call up Pratap to say that wife had already planned a shopping trip and I won’t be able to join for beer.

6.30 pm: Rekha approaches me and asks, “You haven’t shaved yet?” I tell her that I was going to in the next ten minutes at which she quips: “In that case, you might also want to take a bath.”

6.45 pm: I shave and reach out to Rekha to let her know. She responds with: “You still understand that we might not do it at all today, right? What if Rhea sleeps late tonight?” I respond with, “Yes I know. I just shaved now to avoid the Monday morning rush.”

7 pm: Rekha decides that it is time to wash the bedsheets and pillow covers in our bedroom. She changes them with a fresh set even as Rhea and I watch her indulge in the activity.

7.30 pm: Rhea’s dinner time starts early today. It is scheduled for 8 pm but today it starts at 7.30 pm. This is to provision for that extra 30 minutes needed to squeeze in “love making” into the daily schedule.

8.00 pm: Rhea is still eating…

8.30 pm: Rhea has reached her dessert.

9.00 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has just begun.

9.30 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has got extended by another 15 minutes for the third time.

9.45 pm: Rekha and I are losing our patience. And Rhea isn’t sleeping. It looks like a close finish – will we be able to make it? The huge question hangs in balance.

10.00 pm: TV has been switched off and Rhea has agreed to hold her mother’s hands and sleep.

10.10 pm: Because she wasn’t closing her eyes, Rhea gets scolded by her mother. Now she isn’t friends with mother, but friends with her father, so now she is trying to sleep holding her father’s hands.

10.20 pm: Slight nasal snoring indicates a child with common cold has finally hit the bed and has started sleeping. Both Rekha and I watch ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for 15 minutes just to be sure Rhea has slept well.

10.45 pm: Rekha opens up first, “Do we really want it today?”

I nod my head.

“After dinner or before?” She asks.

“Hmm…difficult question…its almost 11 and I am hungry as hell.” I say.

“I know. Me too.” For once my wife and I agree on something.

“But will anything change after dinner? We might be done with dinner only by 11.30 pm and you shouldn’t say its really late and all that.” I make sure I am not going to miss today’s sex.

Rekha said: “Frankly, even now I am not 100% decided, so lets have dinner and hope for the best.”

Thirty minutes later, we leave Rhea sleeping in our main bedroom and move to the second bedroom. As I close the curtains in the room, I see my neighbor standing in his balcony staring in my direction. He grins and gives me a thumbs up sign. If I were him, I would also have done the same – why else would somebody pull the curtains close at 11 in the night.

As I walk to the bed, my mobile phone buzzes….it is a Facebook notification. My neighbor from the balcony has updated his Facebook status and tagged me as well. His update reads: “Predicted right for the 37th time. He gets lucky tonight!”

P.S: But we seem to be one of the lucky couples. I know one that send an Outlook Calendar invite to each other, when they need to make love.

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Reluctant husband goes on a picnic with wife’s friends

Four nights back my wife turned towards me in bed and stared at me. Having been married to her for the last six years I knew this was a dangerous move. As a weapon, it ranked a little below Arnold Schwarzenegger’s AMT Hardballer Longslide (with laser sighting) in the movie Terminator but above Sylvester Stallone’s SVD Dragunov in Rambo III.

I immediately closed my eyes and lay still thinking playing dead might work. But through the dark room, Rekha’s piercing eyes noticed that I was still breathing and she started: “Rajan, you awake?”

I continued to play dead.

“Rajan, you just adjusted your pillow. You can’t be asleep so soon?”

The problem with my wife is that she can never make up her mind. She is always confused if her sentence should be a statement or a question – and that confuses me to bits.

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I continued to play dead. Better be dead than fight a battle weaponless and die a tragic death.

“Rajan, I am feeling romantic. Must be the fact that you came home early from office, after about two months.” Rekha sure was persistent.

But at the mention of romanticism, I lowered by guard just that little bit. If you are married you would know that wives never feel romantic, leave alone in bed. So when she does feel romantic you don’t want to let that chance pass.

I said: “Sorry, you were saying?”

“What is it with you men? You force me to play dirty. I am not romantic or any shit like that. I just wanted you to respond.”

“Rekha, I just liked the thought of it. You should have at least continued to play dirty for a while.”

But Rekha was determined to not let silly girly things called romanticism come in between her mission.

“My friends and I have planned a picnic this Saturday.” She was blunt.

“Picnic?” I shouted. And almost woke up our daughter Rhea whom Rekha conveniently places between the two of us every night. If I were the Prime Minister of India, I would have definitely suspected that ISI had a hand in placing Rhea in between to stress me out…but alas no.

“Yes picnic. In Leisure valley park. This Saturday.”

Rekha’s voice was commanding now. It felt as if she was coach Tony D’Amato (played by Al Pachino) in the movie Any Given Sunday and I was one of her players. She was playing me.

“This Saturday? But why? Can’t we just chill at home?”

“Nope. I have already agreed to bring you along.” Rekha insisted.

“Agreed to bring me along? Then there are others as well?”

“Yes, my friends in the apartment complex.”

“But Rekha, I barely know them.”

“Rajan, in case you haven’t noticed I barely know any of your colleagues but when they come home, don’t I behave?”

“Hmmm…behaving is such a subjective word. Anyway, that is for later. So, how many ladies are coming?”

“We are four – Sonal, Pallavi, Meetu and Smitha – and we are the gang in Uniworld.” Through the dark I could see that Rekha had a smile when she was reciting the names. She must really like them. How naive, I thought.

“Not fair right? Five ladies and just me? You know me, I would shiver in my shoes.”

“Don’t get your hopes up. They are all coming with their husbands.”

“No way Rekha. I can’t come. If it were just the women I would have managed. How do you expect me to have a picnic with strangers?”

“But Rajan, this isn’t fair. I always do it for you.”

So saying, she looked around for my hands in the dark and grabbed them. She always does this when she has to convince me and every time I fall for it. Anyway, to cut the long story short, after 30 minutes I was lying in the bed thinking, what a stupid idea it was to spend six hours with strangers on a picnic in exchange for ten minutes of sex. Wives sure know how to screw their husbands.

We were the first to reach Leisure Valley Park – I wanted to be done with it and move on with life. It was as if I was indebted to somebody and I just wanted to pay it back and be answerable to no one. Within an hour everybody had assembled. Rekha introduced me to all. Here is how it went:

“Rajan, here are Sonal and Rahul and their kids. Remember we have been to their house on their son’s birthday?”

Rajan: Did we?

“Forget about it. And this is Pallavi and her husband Anmol. We have met them before, remember?””

Rajan: Yeah? Hmm….I don’t remember.

“Anyway, this is Meetu and her husband Amit and their daughter Molly.”

Rajan: “Hi Molly!”

“Rajan, do you want to say a Hi to Meetu and Amit as well? I have told you so much about them…haven’t I? ”

Rajan: Have you?

“And this is Smitha. They are Konkani and have settled in Kerala, so I can speak to her in Malayalam.”

Rajan: She knows English, doesn’t she? Or should I speak in Malayalam as well?

“Rajan, she knows English and now is the time to say your greetings. I would really like it.”

Rajan: Hi Sunitha.

“Not Sunita….Smitha.”

To cut the long story short….the first one hour of the picnic was a disaster. The wives and husbands were telling their kids not to go near me. I did notice two of the parents pointing their index finger to the sides of their head while telling them to stay away from me. And five minutes later I did hear a few of the kids calling me crazy and throwing stones at me.

-X——-X-

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In moments such as these the genes in the 24th chromosome of the Rajan clan gets activated. The right juices started flowing and soon, I was that suave, sophisticated conversationalist that the World has seldom hoped for but never seen.

If you have been reading this blog for long, you know that the Rajans are a clumsy and crude lot but when challenged, they rise up to the occasion. That is exactly what happened at this picnic. Within the next 3 hours this Rajan had become the most popular picnic-er in the party.

When the stray dog attempted to eat our food, I was chosen by all to chase the dog away till a distance of 2 kilometers and come back. When a child from another picnic party was lost, I was told to go and find his parents and that took a whole 45 minutes away. And when we ran out of water, I was the guy who was selected to take the car and buy some bottles of water. We had great fun at the picnic and my wife’s friends loved me!

Story of how I ended up starting Ouchmytoe.com

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I was reading a news item in The Telegraph yesterday, and apparently, there are at least 300 positions in sex. Oops, that didn`t come out as intended. Let me retry. I was reading a news item in The Telegraph yesterday, and apparently, there are at least 300 positions available in the British sex industry.

How do I know? Because an “adult chat line company” has advertised all over the United Kingdom for these 300+ positions, and it is being discussed in the British Parliament as well.

Anyway, I would like to seize this opportunity and share with you the fact that the porn industry has a major role to play in Ouchmytoe.com’s presence. Here is how:

When I was in class seven, in Kendriya Vidhyalaya Ballygunge, Kolkata, a few of my classmates had access to ‘Baywatch`. This was way before Priyanka Chopra got associated with ‘Baywatch’.

Priyanka Chopra Rock in Baywatch
Priyanka Chopra and Rock in Baywatch movie. Image Courtesy: Indian Express

Every day these privileged kids would discuss ‘Baywatch’ and its star Pamela Anderson and the rest of the kids, which included me, would listen in rapt attention. With time, the discussions turned to soft porn, and then hardcore. I had access to these concepts of sex only through the four friends who watched ‘Baywatch’ at home. It was as if I was Dhritarashtra and there were four Sanjays explaining to me what sex was.

Things didn’t change when I was 16 years old. Not having seen porn till I was 16 was a huge cause for concern. I think that`s why I couldn`t be a good student or a good son. Maybe that`s why I used to steal the centre-spreads of magazines as docile as Grih Shobha. And maybe that`s why I wanted to become a cameraman of a porn movie once I grew up. Needless to say, I kept my ambition a secret and whenever elders asked the obnoxious question, I said: “I want to become a doctor when I grow up!”

My life changed in the second year of college – that`s 1996. One rich classmate took me to a cyber cafe and showed me how nirvana could be attained inside a 2-feet-by-2-feet cubicle of a cyber cafe. I might as well have taken up sniffing cocaine…at least I could have taken refuge in a Drug Rehabilitation Center.

Having seen porn up close, by now I had realized that being a camera man in a porn movie wasn`t that good an idea. Now, I wanted to be the hero of the movie. I immediately subscribed for ‘Employment News,` a weekly newspaper that came up with a list of job opportunities available. Three weeks later, I came to know that recruitment for the porn industry happened in the dark alleys and not via ‘Employment News`. I did try hanging around dark alleys and spending time with drug dealers but to no avail.

On my last day in a dark alley, I did meet a porn movie director who was willing to make me the hero of his movie.

Everything was going on well, when he asked, “What is your take on horses?”

“I like horses,” I said.

Even before I had finished my sentence, I knew what he was getting at. I fled the spot like a race horse which wanted to pee and never come back.

Back then, if you visited a porn site, you could only see pictures and that too after wading through a list of directories with blue hyperlinks & avoiding traps that would cheekily ask you for your credit card details. That the internet speeds were pathetic helped collection & cooperation among the connoisseurs of the art called ‘watching porn`. The full image would download in 3-4 minutes and even before it had downloaded half, one would start trying out the right click of the mouse to save it in the appropriate folder. The folders were mostly named – Asian, Latinos, Blacks, Celebs, Straight, Lesbians etc. Those that were creative named their folders Hardly-Can-See, Can-See-Little, Lots-to-See, Anna Kournikova, Bombs-Not-For-Kids etc.

Since accessing & downloading the photos was a costly and time-consuming affair, true connoisseurs of the art opted for co-option. “You give me what you got….and I will give you what I have got.” And the World was one friendly place. I think the rejection of Floppy Disks and quick adoption of CDs (in less than a year) was because of this need to share & store sexy photos for posterity.

As a BA Economics third year student, I saw immense potential in the porn industry – I mean 52% of the World`s population was our potential customers. And the other 48% (women) could continue to lie, but who were we to complain as long as a cash registers continued to ring?

With no prior experience, I didn`t know how I could create a porn industry start up. Does one start with foreplay? Or does one rush right into it? That`s when I had realized that both a relationship and an entrepreneurial venture raise the same set of questions.

I laid out my plan in front of my friends. The idea was to start a porn website for Indians, with Indian content. Once our plan was ready, we shared it with our Micro Economics Professor, who liked the idea and said he was willing to head the Quality Control Department. In fact, the good Samaritan that he was, he offered his time for free.

“But sir, what about ethics? Is starting a porn website OK? Aren`t we screwing up people`s lives?”

That`s when he said something that changed my outlook towards the porn industry forever. He said: “Gentlemen, three things. If it weren`t for porn, our streets would be a lot more dangerous for our women.”

“And the second, Sir?”

“If it weren`t for porn, our men would have never known what to do when they met a lady.”

“And the third, sir?”

“Incidents like the holocaust, world wars, nuclear bombs, Amway, Tupperware dealership etc have screwed more people than the porn industry ever can.”

We were excited by the professor`s encouragement and immediately promised to make him the head of our Quality Control department.

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We were working on the execution plan when we came to know that someone else had gone live with an India-specific porn site called Desibaba.com. It was a mere coincidence that he was the Micro Economics Professor`s ex-student. To make matters worse, the site had already caught on among Indians both in India and abroad. We dropped our plan to start a porn website and for our daily supplies, started depending on desibaba.com.

After college, I joined The Indian Express. After being a sports journalist with them for a year and a half, where I almost always dreamt of starting a classy porn newspaper, I quit.

Actually, the trigger for me quitting was a discussion with my father.

“How are the people at the newspaper?”

“OK dad. Not as classy as one would expect, but alright.”

“Always make it a point to stick around classy people. We don`t have class in our family…so we need classy people around us. It rubs on, you know?”

“Sure, dad. I agree.”

“You just agree or you doing something about it?”

“Yes dad. I am doing something about it. I am moving to the porn industry. I have heard people are classier there.”

“How so? Porn industry is all about writing erotic articles and publishing them on paper even the cows would refuse to eat. Right?”

“No dad. It has changed a lot since your times. We no longer read literature. A few years back we had still images but now there are videos too.”

“What? Videos? Where can I see them?”

That day Ouchmytoe.com was started with the intention of making it the classiest porn site in the World. And we are slowly getting there. Hold your horses!

The art of picking up women and its evolution over the years

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Back in the cave man days, finding a spouse was easy. One only had to go hunting and come back with a huge, dead deer on one’s back and place it in the corner of the cave. The woman, who obviously couldn’t go hunting and thus was dependent on a man for food, would come closer and whisper in the man’s ears: “How about we share this deer, and in return, I will provide you warmth during the night.”

Bingo! The spouse was found.

Back in those days, the men who couldn’t hunt, ride a horse or throw a spear were called ‘vegetarians’ and they had to make do with the grass, leaves, and fruits that grew around the cave.

This concept called ‘vegetarianism’ was also the reason behind the origin of another concept called “Gayism.”

A ‘vegetarian’ man (back then, they were defined by their inabilities and not by choice of what they wanted to eat) would suddenly have the urge to have meat and thus would be forced to whisper in another man’s ears: “How about we share this deer, and in return I will provide you warmth during the night.”

Then we started progressing – got out of caves, didn’t have to hunt any longer, women started having careers, we stopped living as communities and moved to individual houses etc.

All of this put undue pressure on the man to get a spouse. Now, women stopped being easy. Probably because food was always available in the fridge – vegetarian or non-vegetarian.

Like how a camel can go without water for days on ends, women can go without sex for months on end. So they could keep waiting till kingdom come. However, the men couldn’t wait because they needed sex every day. Unfortunately, back in those days having a woman around was the only solution for sex. Inflated dolls, porn sites etc were yet to arrive on the scene.

This pressure of finding their women got to the men and to get out of the pressure, they started smoking and drinking and joining clubs where all the men could form a support group and help each other out (the gay revolution got a second wind in such clubs). This went on for some time.

They say that when a man is pushed to the wall, he pushes back. Once he was ready to burst open, the man decided to go out and find a woman for himself. This was referred to as the beginning of ‘the art of picking up women.’

Over the centuries, various method were followed with various levels of success. By the 1970s, picking up of the women was templated. One only had to visit singles Bars, and wait for a lady to do one of the two things:

1) Take out a cigarette
2) Take the last gulp from her wine glass.

When the lady took out her slim, long cigarette, etiquette demanded that the man rush to offer her the light. This was the only, money-less conversation starter available. The small problem was that there were 11-12 men waiting for this lady to take out her cigarette and all of them would pounce with their lighters aflame. Back in the 1970s, this led to many women being burnt alive in Singles Bars only because they took out a cigarette out. Sometimes the whole bar would be gutted.

Since the free option was so crowded, a man could also wait for the lady to finish her glass of wine and walk up to her and say: “Miss, may I buy you another of the same?”

Women being women, the answer was almost always: “Yes.”

Both these methods of picking up women came under strict scrutiny by the respective Governments. Already reeling under the pressure of population explosion the Governments devised plans to NOT let the man and woman meet.

In case you didn’t know the “No smoking in public places” and ‘No drunk driving” rules were introduced by the Governments to make sure man and women don’t meet and thus don’t result in kids.

These rules by the Government forced the men to look for women in places where no smoking and drinking was allowed. These were Clubs/Institutes where they could find like-minded people such as – stamp collectors, karate lovers, salsa dancers, Star Wars lovers etc. The advantage of this approach was that once a man and woman met, they could spend their whole life collecting stamps together or doing karate, or whatever it was that interested them.

Most of the time people who met via this route lived happily ever after except of course when one of them picked up a new hobby.

With time, more and more women started taking up jobs. One would expect the women to start taking the lead in initiating the conversation with men. But unfortunately, that didn’t happen. The onus of starting the conversation even today rests with the man.

As the days rolled by, the men who didn’t have the balls to initiate conversation, introduced their own way of sourcing women. They called it Personal Ads. Personal Ads were received well by the women initially, and that’s because none of the Personal Ads ever said anything bad about the advertiser.

An average Personal Ad looked like this:

I am a self-confident man, and you should be the same. I am not keen on meeting women still reeling under the emotional problems from previous relationships – you should have gained your peace. Your age is not important to me as I am looking beyond the physical. You should be a college educated, financially independent, liberal minded woman. I prefer that you don’t have kids because I also don’t have any. I live in Delhi-NCR and expect you to be somewhere nearby because I am not interested in a long-distance relationship. If you see yourself in this description and are interested in meeting an intelligent, intellectual man, please contact me.

Soon enough the women saw through the Personal Ads trick and stopped responding. By the 1990s, the women workforce in corporate had increased significantly providing the men with one more avenue to pick up women. Today, office space remains the most prominent place to pick up women.

For the youngsters, it is bad news, but for the others it’s not bad news that half of the women working in corporates are actually married. A married woman is the most vulnerable when she is in her office. For her, the office space – where everybody dresses up well and aren’t in their pajamas, discusses stuff more important than prices of rice and pulses, argues over deadlines and not over why and how the milk was split – appears to be a very romantic place.

As for conversation starters with unmarried women in office, you can always call for a meeting to discuss the next upcoming deadline.

Note: If you are married or unmarried man looking for a woman in your life, try your office first.

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World Gin Day – best and funniest quotes on gin and tonic

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The second Saturday of June is celebrated the world over as World Gin Day. Why Saturday? So that one has Sunday to recover from the hangover. World Gin Day is all about gin lovers coming together and celebrating with a lot of gin and tonic. If you don’t understand all this getting together to get drunk, just treat it as your excuse to get drunk today. Check out the best and funniest quotes on gin and tonic below.

Funny Gin Quote: Gin is Liquid Sanity
Source: Etsy.com
Funny Gin Quote: Let the Evening Begin
Source: Notonthehighstreet.com
Fun Gin Quote: Don't cry over spilt milk
Source: Etsy.com
Funny Gin Quote: I heard Gin
Source: Notonthehighstreet.com

Funny Gin Quote: Cup of tea moved to gin

Funny Gin Quote: When life hands you lemons
Source: Houseandgarden.co.uk
Funny Gin Quote: To Gin or not to gin
Source: Instagram

More on World Gin day

Funny Gin Quote: Favourite Gin Next One
Source: Pinterest
Funny Gin Quote: Forgive me father for I have ginned
Source: Etsy

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Funny Gin Quote: Time and place for gin
Source: Brockmansblog
Funny Gin Quote: Is it gin o' clock yet
Source: Detallesconarteblog.wordpress.com
Funny Gin Quote: Good friends offer gin
Source: Pinterest
Funny Gin and Tonic Joke: Me talking to the gin
Source: Pinterest
Funny Gin and Tonic Joke: Job for a gin
Source: Brockmansblog

Funny reactions to India’s loss to Sri Lanka in Champions Trophy

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After a convincing win over Pakistan only a few days back, last night India lost to Sri Lanka in their second Champions Trophy match. Even a score of 321 runs in 50 overs wasn’t enough to contain Sri Lanka who romped home with seven wickets to spare in the 49th over. Twitter has gone crazy over India’s loss. Check out the funny reactions to India’s loss to Sri Lanka in Champions Trophy.

Check out India vs Sri Lanka scorecard

As has become second nature with social media, poor Modi ji got pulled in here too.

Early indications suggest that Sri Lanka’s victory over India had more Pakistanis celebrating than Sri Lankans.

In fact, just too much of celebration in Pakistan.

https://twitter.com/Waqas_amjad/status/872864267472699393

India had left out spinner R Ashwin, who could have been effective against the stars of the night Kusal Mendis and Danushka Gunathilaka, both of whom are left-handers. Fans didn’t know why Kholi had made the blunder of not including Ashwin in playing XI. Thanks to this tweet, now we know.

Despite Kholi’s early loss, India still managed to score 321 runs, which is proof of a great batting line up. As for bowling, well….

Apparently, Obama and his team provided two minutes’ silence for India’s loss. Either that or they are listening to former FBI Director James Comey’s crusade against US President Donald Trump on the radio.

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And finally, what Sri Lanka thought of India’s over confidence.

As for the post-match analysis, there was the standard answer agreed on between the King of Indian cricket and the Prince.

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Enough of women empowerment, it is time men ask for rights

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The more I think about it the more I agree with myself – men need more rights. Funny, because not so long ago women needed more rights –from the right to vote to the right to wear clothes that showed cleavage.

I think now the Global body, International Women’s Commission and the local organization called National Commission for Women have served their purpose. They have uplifted the women and now need to move out and give way for the upcoming men-focused organizations such as the 3-member People’s Organization for Relief to Men (PORM) and the anonymous men’s support group Fellowship of Unnamed Confident Kings (FUCK).

Before we go into what the men are doing to uplift themselves, lets find out what how the last meeting of the National Commission for Women ended.

Purnima: “Thanks ladies for joining us. I will pass today’s agenda around, and we can start discussing. The agenda is: Defining what we are fighting for”.

Pankhuri: “Yes, Seriously…what are we fighting for? We now have as much rights as the men, if not more.”

Priyanka: “We hold their bank accounts, their wallets, and their balls – I think we are good. “

Tavneet: “Yes I agree. We decide what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

Bani: “I second you Tavneet. We decide how the furniture is arranged in the house, we get to work if required and quit if we feel like….can’t get better than this. “

Somyata: “Yes, and we get to dress however we want and roam around the streets of every city. Barring Guwahati, of course.”

Purnima: “Are you guys saying we should disband the National Commission for Women?”

All kinds of hands go up in the air – nail polished, mehendi-ed, krack creamed, bangle-ed, soaked in dishwasher-ed, and many more.

Lets not get into the gory details of how the commission got disbanded, and move on to a typical meeting of the FUCK group. Since nobody is really willing to take the onus and stepping in to organize the meeting, it all starts with a small email asking if “we should meet”.

For best results please read email trail from last to the most recent – as you would read a forwarded mail trail in office.

Remember I said “Start reading the emails from the bottom and move up.”

———-X———X———-

From: Manish Jain
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 12:21 PM
To: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Cc: Sharad Sharma; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Subject: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Guys, I am begging you….remove me from this mail trail.
My wife has my email passwords and if she sees these emails, I am doomed.
Thank you all.

Best wishes,
Manish Jain

———————–

From: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 3:27 PM
To: Bijoy Singhal; Vineet Duggal; Sharad Sharma
Cc: Manish Jain; Mukesh Tanwani
Subject: RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Hi all,
Though I didn’t get a rousing response to my suggestion of what rights we should be fighting for, here is another initiative from my side. I think it would be a good idea to agree on the following:

FUCKs official Drink: Bag Pipers
FUCKs official Snack: Lays Classic Salt Chips
FUCKs official Beer: Polygamy Porter
FUCKs official TV Channel: ESPN
FUCKs official Print partner: PlayBoy
FUCKs official Porn Partner: Youporn.com

So where are we meeting. Anything decided yet?

Please note, I have not yet removed Manish Jain and MukeshTanwani so that they know what they are going to miss. May the next person remove them.

Cheers
Harsh

———————–

From: Bijoy Singhal
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 3:27 PM
To: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Sharad Sharma
Cc: Manish Jain; Mukesh Tanwani
Subject: RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Update on recruiting for FUCKs:

Today evening I met MrNitinYadav and he is impressed by our plans and wants to join the movement. But as you are all aware, Mr Manish Jain and MrMukeshTanwani aren’t interested and hence didn’t join the briefing at Brix Bar in Sector 29 in Gurgaon.

Now that we are 4 member organization, we can legally go ahead and register and start fighting for our rights.

P.S.: Added Manish Jain and MukeshTanwani so that they know that we are done with them. Next person to email, pls remove them from the list.

Thanks
Bijoy

———————–

From: NitinYadav
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 3:20 PM
To: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal
Cc: Manish Jain; Mukesh Tanwani
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Guys, can we please make sure we don’t send any emails to Mr Manish Jain and MrMukeshTanwani.

Note: Have added them in this email so that they are aware that we are making an effort.

Yours,
Nitin

———————–

From: MukeshTanwani
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 1:27 PM
To: Manish Jain
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Guys,
I am already into Art of Living and I don’t need one more distraction in my life.

If anybody is thinking of meeting for badminton, table tennis or squash do let me know…I will be interested.

Thanks,
Mukesh T

———————–

From: Manish Jain
Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 7:27 PM
To: Sharad Sharma
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Subject: RE: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

I am still part of the email trail. Please remove me!!
Thank you all.

Best wishes,
Manish Jain

———————–

From: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2012 9:52 AM
To: Sharad Sharma, Manish Jain
Cc: Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Sorry guys, but it is whiskey to be blamed. They sure make tough whiskeys in India.

Anyway, what will we be fighting for? I have some suggestions:

– The right to drink in the house and in front of kids
– The right to buy beer in States at the cost price at which it is available in Union Territories such as Delhi and Pondicherry
– The right to drive after being drunk

Please add to your list.

Always,
Harsh Vardhan Thakur

———————–

From: Manish Jain
Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2012 4:57 AM
To: Sharad Sharma
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Guys, Pls don’t include me in these emails. My wife and I are happy with each other and have equal rights at home.

I have heard about FUCKs and my wife says they brainwash people. She says I can join carnatic music classes if I want to but not FUCKs.

Thank you all.

Best wishes,
Manish Jain

———————–

From: Sharad Sharma
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:02:40 +0530
To: Manish Jain; Mukesh Tanwani; Nitin Yadav
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal
Subject: RE:RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Looping in..Manish, Mukesh and Nitin to join in on the FUCKs.

@Bijoy: Can you meet them tomorrow somewhere in Gurgaon and take them through the advantages of FUCKs?

If they are in, our organization could be seven member strong.

Warm Regards,
Sharad Sharma

———————–

From: Bijoy Singhal
Sent: Tuesday, August 21, 2012 5:45 PM
To: Sharad Sharma
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal;
Subject: RE:RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Hi Sharad,

Apologies for the delay in responding.I thought we might as well wait for Vineet to come back from Bulgaria.

Thanks for taking the time to convince us on the benefits of FUCKs.Both Harsh and I are impressed and would like to be part of the movement. Though I agree with you that FUCKs has been in recent times more about the to-and-fro between us men. It is time we took it beyond the men now.

Regards,
Bijoy

———————–

From: Bijoy Singhal
Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 12:23 PM
To: Sharad Sharma
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Anytime between 2 – 5 pm sounds good. That’s when we get buy-one-get-one free at Barista. Let me block my calendar right away.

Looking forward (as always).

Regards,
Bijoy

———————–

From: Sharad Sharma
Sent: 16 July 2012 12:01
To: BijoySinghal
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur; Vineet Duggal
Subject: RE: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Thanks Bijoy,

Let me know your availability for tomorrow i.e 17-07-2012.
Would like to meet you and plan out on how we can meet again.

I understand your convenient times would be convenient times for Harsh as well, considering you will be carrying him to Barista. Pls confirm.

Regards
Sharad Sharma

———————–

From: Bijoy Singhal
Sent: Saturday, July 14, 2012 1:14 AM
To: Sharad Sharma; Vineet Duggal
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Subject: RE: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Hi Sharad,

Glad to get connected too. And I am sure Harsh agrees – if he isn’t already drunk on his whisky.

Would it be possible to meet on 17th July at Barista in Metropolitan Mall in Gurgaon, or alternatively we can first have a call on Tuesday and then meet up later on.

Regards,
Bijoy

———————–

From: Sharad Sharma
Sent: 13 July 2012 12:30
To: Vineet Duggal; Bijoy Singhal
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Subject: RE: FW: FUCK Meeting

Thanks Vineet, I am thinking of going ahead with the meeting while you are in Bulgaria. And I assure you it is not with the intension of saving the per-plate cost at the venue.

Hi Bijoy/Harsh,

Nice getting connected with you, would request you to spare some time for meeting next week for our FUCKs meeting. I can call you guys if required to take you thro’ our presentation.

Regards
Sharad Sharma

———————–

From: Vineet Duggal
Sent: Thursday, July 12, 2012 8:36 PM
To: Sharad Sharma, Bijoy Singhal
Cc: Harsh Vardhan Thakur
Subject: FW: FUCK Meeting

HI Sharad,

Since I am travelling, I would recommend that we either don’t have this meeting this month or you have it with my friends Bijoy and Harsh (who are marked in this email).

Bijoy is a well rounded man and will know what rights we should be fighting for. As for Harsh, it should suffice to say that he likes his whiskies.

Do note that you can increase the attendance by 25% if you wait for a month to comeback from Bulgaria.

Regards
Vineet

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———————–

From: Sharad Sharma
Sent: 12 July 2012 12:40
To: Vineet Duggal
Subject: FUCK Meeting

Hi Vineet,

As per our discussion on the phone I propose that the FUCKs meet so that we can start fighting for our rights. Kindly spare some time for the meeting as per your convenience.

Also attached is the introduction ppt of FUCK.

Regards
Sharad Sharma

Attachment: FUCKs_Intro.ppt